oh god, hell no....I wouldn't want to hang out with the BM...or BM's sister for that matter, but thats just me. I'd make him tell her that neither of you want her to go! Its his ex-wife, he should be responsible for keeping her out of your life.

If she goes, there will no doubt be some type of drama!! Drama drama drama, it's like she feels that it is her place to be anywhere your dh is.... I'm sure you dh really don't want her there, but like most men-act like they just don't care-that is what ticks me!! So, he wants to blame it on you, that you are the one who don't want her to come, but it's ok with him... Ge'ez

You can go tricking...when they go treating, hmmmmmm.

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

you are not OK with the XW in-law going? I am not quite sure if I get the issue here. I understand that you, DH and XH all have a decent relationship. What is the issue with the BM joining the great big happy blended family circle.

I am sure there are issues with the BM that you have posted on and I certainly understand wanting to limit her presence in your life. However, the extended nature of the party and the focus being on the kids maybe it is worth calling a truce for one evening?

This is not the easiest thing for me to do because in our case Bio-Dad is a worthless moron and I for sure would not want him anywhere near the party if it was my situation you describe. But, our family and his family to not ever blend except that SS belongs to both families.

Your husband making you the bad guy though is certainly an issue IMHO.

BTW, I think it is great that you, DH and XH all get along well. It has to be a good thing for your kids.

Good luck and best regards,

Rags is giving tough love, but in a way I get it here. I remember when my sons' SM had to pull the plug on her son coming to my house, because he told his BP father about it, and he wanted to have my sons over too. I had to bite the bullet and it was unfair to the kids, but now that SM's ex has been arrested for murder (yes you read that right) I am thankful she nipped it in the bud. The fact that you're attending your exH's party but don't want his exW there, no matter how justified, is likely seeming confusing to her, and to DH perhaps?

Why don't you have DH tell her that your exH feels uncomfortable in that situation. Maybe that can be your out.

I'm so sorry, as I know you were really excited about the party, and having to deal with her drama will likely take away from the evening for everyone.

Hopefully, DH will step up and realize that your exH is NOT the same as hanging out with BM.

OOOOhhhh....maybe you should tell him that the reason it's different is that hanging out with BM for you, would be like DH hanging out with BS's BF? That's a more comparable personality.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

CG et al,

I call Uncle on this one. I just thought I would ask from the perspective of a less than fully informed third party.

I have a very good friend that has two XW's and two blended families (3 kids with XW1 and one with XW2)who gets along very well with his second X but despises his first X. For some reason the second blended family can do the joint holiday thing with all four kids, boyfriends, girlfriends, neighborhood riff raff, etc ...... Any time XW1 gets involved all hell breaks loose.

I guess your Halloween Party situation is kind of like his deal. When the XW In Law shows up is when the trouble starts.

Do I have clarity yet? :?

I just thought I would ask.

Good luck and best regards,

I have issues with the bm ingratiating herself into our life. I blame H because he allows it and doesn't put his spineless little foot down because he doesn't want to rock the boat. Well, unfortunately sometimes the boat needs to be rocked.
When an H allows a bm and/or her family to be intertwined into his new family, he's creating confusion all around. Case in point...my H had allowed bm unfettered access to our home before we were seriously involved. As we got more serious, bm was unable to grasp the concept of "you don't live here anymore" and it has and still causes huge problems for us. H wants to be tolerant of bm for the sake of the kids, BUT he does not fully grasp the depth of HURT he's causing me and our relationship. It seems to be true for alot of steps...we feel icky inside about having to deal with bm and all her people. I feel alot of times like the runner up...miss ass-face 1998 couldn't perform her duties so she had to give her crown to the runnerup...me. It makes me feel crappy alot of the time because as steps are fully aware, we are always confronted with baggage from our H's past life. What we as the new wife, gf, fiancee, whatever want, is to build a new life with H with as little baggage as possible. Of course none of us want H to give up his kids or not be a parent. What I personally want is just to put the past in the past and go forward with a NEW life. That means no bm in our life. Yes they share kids, yes they co-parent, but that is IT...PERIOD! There is absolutely no need for any contact beyond that which involves the kids. Having some big group Halloween or Christmas or birthday is just weird and confusing. Case in point, my H has been doing separate birthdays since his divorce. SS12 says he wishes his dad could come to the amusement park with everyone for his birthday...I tell him that his parents are divorced so that isn't how it works...you get two birthdays instead of one which is kinda cool...but I understand it must hurt to not have the same things you had when you were a little kid. SS understood and realized he was lucky to get twice as many gifts now. But this all would have been avoided had H been firm in setting clear boundaries in the years past...explain to the kids that they are divorced and there are new rules now. They are not stupid, kids do actually get it. What confuses them is when parents pop in and out of one another's house like they still live there, even though they've been with a new partner in a serious relationship/marriage. Kids need consistency and to understand things and you are not doing them favors by saying mommy and daddy are divorced, and remarried to new people, but it's still ok for them to go running around in and out of each other's house. It's sending them the confusing message that maybe one day they'll get back together and gives them false hope.
It's just easier for everyone involved to just keep firm boundaries. Stand your ground girl!
Hugs

BM thinks she comes with SD as a package deal and feels that even though it is your time why can't you all just go together. My FH's ex is like this and even though she they have been broken up for 16 years she thinks she should be included in evertyhing. Nobody wants her around. Seperate households, seperate lives. I don't believe in playing this we all get along BS. I know some people will do that for the sake of the kids but I don't act fake. I'm sure BM is scary enough to have a good halloween by herself. DH should just email her and tell her that you guys are doig your own thing.