I went through this exact thing to, trouble was, I was already married, and had baby with him, before I realized that it was killing me. When I hit "rock bottom" I told my DH, that I was going home. We were in FL., but are both originally from Mass., and both of our families are in Mass. I was leaving, w/ my son to go home and get the support, love, and peace I deserved! I was going crazy, and had to save my sanity. I told him this, and told him my wishes to move, and that I loved him, and to consider coming with me insted of fighting a battle w/ no winners. I told him, past life or present life, you choose, no matter what I love you always. He choose us. I can't say I was not surprised, it was alot to ask of him, but deep down , he says, he knew what had to be done, and could not live w/o me. I know this is extreme, but the feelings are the same for you and I. I'm not going to tell you what to do, I believe you'll know that answer. I'm just giving you an example to ponder, and try to help you think about this situation. My heart goes out to you. Really think hard about what your doing, and how you want to live the rest of your life. "~waiting on the world to change~"

Talk to him. It helps! Tell him how you feel and what you think should be done and then ask him for some ideas on how he thinks the prob. needs to be fixed. If you can't handle this situation, how are you going to handle other situations that ya'll don't agree on?! You are not just marrying him, you are marrying SD7, BM and all that baggage...he needs to understand that. He needs to understand that you are doing this WITH him not against him. BM is going to be part of your life no matter what you do, accept that fact! The only advice that I can give you on that is to keep control of your household. There is no way you can "disengage", if you do..you are telling DH and SD that you aren't interested in their thoughts and feelings, not to mention it is YOUR house too..and I wouldn't "ignore" anything that happens in my home, no matter what the situation was. You will have to come to terms with the fact that as long as you have SD visiting or living in your home, BM will be there too. I went through the samething with my DH, we fought, we made up, and we fought some more. But, we always presented a united front to my SD and BM!! It's hard parenting someone else's child, don't let anyone tell you any different...but the outcome could be worth it if you make an impression on SD. I only allow BM to make enough of noise to let us know that she is still there. I don't allow her to turn my household upside down...I am the only woman who is allowed to do that LOL GOOD LUCK!!!

this is great advice from Angel, and that was my first approach with my DH, skids, and BM, when we did tie the knot. I thought it would work, and really tried, and I hate to bring this up, as it still makes me sick, but when BM said she wished my baby would die, and made threats to me, I knew I was not dealing with anything normal. I grew to distrust her, and even my skids, worrying that she would try to get them to do some thing??? Maybe sounds paranoid, but BM had told SS to do all kinds of things to disrupt our home while he lived with us, and he did, in lue of promisis that she would in turn do things, get him things that he wanted. .....What was that movie with the mother & son who were killers, and they fed off of eachothers sickness? Sorry, getting off topic, anyways, I do agree w/ Angel that communication is key, and to talk to DH, and take control of your home. Hopefully your BM is not as sick as mine ."~waiting on the world to change~"

I'm sorry to hear it's come to this for yuo. I agree with Desguized that communication is the key to any possible reconciliation, but I also agree with you in putting off the marriage until these things are rectified. It will NOT get better just b/c you're married, and perhaps if you tell him you are having doubts about getting married now because of the situation with SD and BM, and your role or lack thereof in the situation, he will take it seriously.

"I don't think I have it in me to live in a house with someone elses child and not have any control over when she's there, or her behavior or the intrusion of BM. I don't think I have the patience or understanding"

Have you said this to him? Have you said how this makes you feel? Wwhat do you think would happen if you said something like "I feel hurt and devalued in our home and our relationship when I am not allowed to have input on SD's care. I want to be a part of a team with you in helping to give SD a good, stable environment, but right now, I feel like the odd man out and that hurts. I need clear boundaries and limitations on BM in our life together, so I can feel safe and secure moving forward with our relationship. I love you, but I have been in pain because of the conflict, and I want to move forward into our relationship with an open happy heart, and I don't think I can do this until some of our conflict is resolved."

You may also want to consider counseling. Many churches require this to get married and even if it's not required, you certainly can do it on your own.

Read the most recent post by 5teens just below this one and then look at some of Crayon's blogs. Here's two examples of how this can turn out, neither are an easy road, and 5teens success was not overnight at ALL. Note that 5teens had a parenting coach and counseling to support their relationship and make it less her against him, or her critizing his parenting. Note Crayon's BF refuses to go to counseling, and very unfairly blames the problems on her.

I'm sorry to use both of you ladies as an example, but I think it's a very real illustration of a bioparent taking responsibility for their parenting style and it's impact on the child, and taking steps to rectify it to save the relationship, and how devastating it can be for the Stepmom if that's not done.

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

I guess, she is one of those women who worships criminals, attracted to the "bad ass" way of life. I can't even begin to list all of the things / ways she tried to hurt me & my family. She is truly a lost cause, but the state of florida deems her fit enough to keep on parenting. It's like ice water down the back!"~waiting on the world to change~"

If you're having this much doubt, then follow your gut instinct and call it off.

I think you're really looking at the situation, and I thought I'd say- that it takes GUTS to look at the bad, and realize that you want more from your marriage.

I think with whatever happens, as long as you can be honest with yourself, and what you truly want, and honest with your hubby-to-be, than you're a success.

perhaps you should tell him how you feel and try to see a counselor before calling it off. Maybe you can seek counseling alone if he won't go with you. I sure wished I had done that prior to getting married to a man with kids. I would have been at least somewhat prepared for what lie ahead.

It's very difficult at the point you're at to look at the real possibility of postponing the wedding. Use your strength to sort through the issues before you get married rather than to struggle through trying to tolerate a bad situation. Any real advice I would have to give would echo that offered by Northernsiren and others here – he needs to treat you like you’re both on the same team. You will probably always have issues with erratic visitation schedule and a myriad of other birth mother/step daughter issues but they are tolerable when you’re tackling them together. They are not if you’re left on your own. Best of luck whichever way you go. By the way, I woke up the day of my wedding to first husband knowing in the back of my mind that I was in big trouble. Six months later I was done. If you know you know. Depending on his reaction to your conversation… listen to yourself save yourself the six months and divorce costs.

I am also engaged and was ready to make plans for my wedding but because of BM and my FH's inability to shake her free (and not see what the hell the problem was) I put a stop to all wedding plans immediately. You are a strong woman for standing up for yourself - I like you can not marry a man who carries on this way. We have been in counseling two months now and it has made a HUGE improvement in our relationship. It was so bad before I was going to break up with him. We both go by ourselves once a week and then together once a week and let me tell you - YES MEN ARE THAT CLUELESS. A good counselor will not make too many suggestions the first two sessions you have together because she doesn't want to scare him off but hopefully by the 3rd session (which is what happened with us) she really broke it down and laid it all out for him. She explained what she saw as a 3rd party observing the both of you and she will tell him about boundaries and sticking to them and how YOU his partner come first. I hope this works out for you like it did with me. My FH actually said to me last week when we left our session "thank you for bringing me here and opening my eyes - I am so sorry to have put you throw these things - I really did not now how bad my behaviour was". I wish you the best and I hope to see another post from you in the next few weeks of your progress - if you have any questions about what we did through counseling please pm me - I would be happy to help in any way that I can Take care of yourself!

and let us know how it goes...