Questions
WARNING-this is much longer than I wanted it to be. I have posted my questions at the end, so feel free to skip down through my ramble.
Hi, I'm pretty new here, but I am so happy that I found this site. Nobody can really understand a stepmom's plight but another stepmom. I have a very, as I’ve come to find out from this site, typical situation. The BM of my SD11 is the average low-life, do nothing, blame everyone, complain about everything, manipulative alcoholic. BM has bounced SD around from school to school (total of 8 changes and she is going into the 6th grade), let her live with us (for 2 years-age 8 & 9), taken her back (1 year-age 10) and finally let her come back to live with us (since last November). We have never had formal custody arrangements because DH has always done his best to work out arrangements. We have hired a total of 3 lawyers and 1 PI (spending thousands already), and begun custody procedures on two separate occasions, but have always been dissuaded by either SD, who would much rather live with BM (lots of complicated, manipulative reasons for that), or the lawyers who say to take a child from a BM you have to have real proof of either drug use (we know, but have no hard proof) or physical abuse. Neglect is extremely difficult to prove.
But I think we are seriously considering again. Some background information-which I’ll try to keep as brief as possible: during the school year, since SD has been living with us, she has spent the weeks with us and been at BM’s from Sat. 12pm- Sun. 5pm. During the summer for the last three years SD has been on our neighborhood swim team. Last summer when SD was living with BM only a few miles away, and with us only on the weekends, her attendance was spotty, averaging about 50%. BM tried to talk her out of doing it this year so that she could spend more time with her (to sit around and watch tv), and laid a guilt trip on SD because she wanted SD to be with her the whole summer. We insisted though, and since BM is in no financial/emotional position to put up a fight she couldn’t say much. Swim team has been wonderful for SD. She has a lot of issues stemming from living with her crazy BM & SF. There are at least 15 really sweet girls in SD's age group on the team and they all get along really well and have been very supportive of her. Plus it is good exercise. We are planning on doing year-round swim team this fall/winter because it has been such a positive thing for SD and despite the guilt trips, has made her very happy.
We also take SD to see a very good therapist that is 45 min. away, because of all of her emotional issues. This therapist is not “in network” so we have to pay a lot more for her, but our in network therapists are terrible-we’ve tried.
The last four years DH and I have created a summer calendar of who SD will be with on which days, because we are always very busy. SD’s therapist said this is very good for SD, to give her a sense of stability. I am a teacher so I have summers off. We live in GA, and go to visit my parents in PA, go to the beach in NC, do summer camps, do swim team, gymnastics, etc. We give a copy to BM in the spring, so BM could give input. This year she didn’t say anything. DH asked her a few times if she had a chance to look at it, but she never did. We had given her all of the days that SD didn’t have swim team and we weren’t on vacation, which amounted to weekends and almost three weeks that were split by our week-long trip to the beach.
Except for this weekend. We wanted SD to be with us this weekend to split up the long almost two week block that she was with BM. And we wanted to have a weekend with her because since she has been with us, she has been at BM’s almost every weekend and that means DH doesn’t get to see her much. It just so happens that this weekend is tax-free holiday in GA, so we’re going to do some school shopping today. Yesterday we took a long drive to the mountains and hiked up GA’s tallest mountain. The problem is that BM didn’t look at the calendar and realize that we were going to have SD this weekend until this past Wed. On Wed., when DH spoke with her, he told her that we were doing back-to-school shopping. She didn’t complain much to DH, and we thought everything was fine. But when DH picked SD up yesterday, SD didn’t want to go on the hike, and complained in that lovely pre-teen way, “why do I have to go?” (This was a special hike that we did when my 1st BS-4 was an infant and we were repeating for 2nd BS-4 months.) Of course she ended up loving it, but BM had really done her best to ruin it for SD. She was thoroughly annoyed, why? I have no idea. It was OK for us to go shopping, but not hiking??? It isn’t like she had any grand plans to do anything with her. DH explained to SD that this weekend has been on the calendar for months, and we’re sorry that BM didn’t see it, but if she had a real problem with it then she needed to talk to us about it. SD said that BM didn’t want to do calendars anymore and just go week to week. DH explained that we have to make plans for the summer and BM needed to discuss this with him not go through her. BM would rather go through SD then talk things out with DH though. It is much easier to be nasty and irrational when you’re speaking to an 11 year old and not speaking to the adult face-to-face.
This may be the straw that broke the camel's back. We are tired of BM pulling these manipulative games and putting SD in the middle. We also don't want BM to try to control the summers, just for the sake of controlling them. If she was going to do something productive with SD it would be a different story.
Thanks for the opportunity to vent.
SO MY QUESTIONS ARE:
1. General-Does anyone have experience with/advice for fathers trying to gain custody? (esp. in GA, a very BM friendly state)
2. We have always paid an agreed upon amount of CS (which is much lower than the courts would award, but we make up for it in health insurance & all drs/dentist/psychologist visits, school lunch money, school supplies, all school related extras, all lessons, teams, camps, etc.) when SD is living with BM. They have never paid for ANYTHING when she lives with us. As others have said on this site it was because DH didn’t want to rock the boat and have BM take SD back because she couldn’t afford the CS. I think we should try to get court awarded CS, so that in case SD does go back to live with BM, she doesn’t get a huge amount awarded to her after years of giving us nothing. Thoughts?
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Comments
I am practically an expert in GA law....
This is because this is where BM lived w/skids when we faught her and LOST 2x. GA law states that custody cannot be changed w/out "a change in circumstance" this means things like......SD has lived with you for a consistent period of more than 6 months..... BM has emotional problems (you MUST prove it ) BM is alcoholic, again must be proven.......
I HATE GA courts!!!!!! However, I have had many attorneys there. If you PM me w/where you live, I might know an attorney there. BM moved around the state so much, that we had to use a different attorney every time. There are so outright awful ones!
GA dads have the right to pay child support and breathe, that's it! Especially in rural settings, BM's are God like!
I wish you the very best of luck, we never won any of our fights. BM called one day out of the blue and told us to come get skids....of course we did!
IL is also pro mom- screw
IL is also pro mom- screw dad- we got the same advice from one attorney- them got a better one who told us to document everything to do w'SD and BM- communications, things SD said, alot of teadious crap- but less than four years later we had custody and I might have carpo- I know southern states are usually even further behind on changes than IL(which is pretty slow to change) but hang in there- keep records and sanity, find another att!
There is no reason where logic does not exist
I am not a GA expert
But, minus alcoholism (but likely the same personality) we succeeded in gaining custody from BM over a year ago.
The atty, GAL, mediator and therapist are the keys. Get the best, rational, unbiased team, except your atty of course- mine was a SF himself, that was helpful. He was also part of the "good ole boys" network in the family court system, referred to me through the top mediator (personal friend) in my county, and double checked through some other atty friends of mine (prosecutor, city law director, and a public defender I know.) Find friends of yours who have good atty friends and ask them to ask for you.
Ask them who they would NOT want to be up against. Once, during our wait at a pretrial, another atty walked up to her client and said, "Well your wife got (our attorney). LOADS of FUN," in a very irritated tone. That little tidbit was good to hear, as the atty had no idea we were listening, and that she was talking about our atty. We thought it a good sign that another lawyer was not happy to be going against our lawyer.
Then, before you even file....
Ask the therapist to invite BM in, if they haven't already. If BM refuses to cooperate with the therapist, that's something to note for the court.
Call family court and set up an appt with a mediator. Go the first visit when it's just you and DH, as it may be the only time you get to have your side heard. Then request the mediator invite BM in. Hopefully, she will fail to cooperate (it's not court ordered yet, so many of them won't go.) But if she does cooperate, then HEY! you just saved yourself a TON of money.
(If she does not tell the GAL that in your initial visit. They will likely court order mediation or high conflict parent coordination. Put your whole heart into complying, have DH take a notebook with him to any mediation appts so when BM is babbling about how "intimidating" he is, or how he "attacks" her, he can calmly take notes without interrupting, then calmly respond to what she said. It's very important to make sure he appears in the most rational light and BM trips over her own insecurities, and irrational self.
Start a journal of daily offenses relating to manipulation of SD. One SM on here just mentioned this as well, she had at least a year (can't remember now) or more of these notes, she took on a calendar, like, "BM called and refused to give shared info regarding DR. appt." "BM called and stated SD didn't want to come over." Etc etc. With time, date, etc noted.
Then...
File a moderation/termination of your current agreement
Request a guardian ad litem on SD's behalf
AND a psyche eval
My visits to SD's therapist, both with and without SD, as well as my letters to the GAL, were integral in BM caving and conceding the night before our final court date. At first a GAL may see it as "he said, she said" eventually, if you keep your notes factual you will have a ton of info for the court. I did this by several drafts, continuing to remove any "emotionally charged" or "judgemental" sounding language. First draft was always a vent, final one was "ventless.") Document every sport practice/game she misses, every time she sick and doesn't get treatment, every time the BM denies visitation, etc, then you will have a lot of info the court will recognize. I signed everything with both DH and my name, since I wrote the letter. I used the pronouns "we" as much as possible, or "I" as though he was writing.
We had 4 or 5 "pretrials". It was a long, stressful, and grueling process, but now I realize this was in our favor, because BM cannot maintain a fake level of compliance or niceties for a full year. Twoard the end, BM was getting so uncomfortable with the process, that she tried to alienate SD from her therapist as well as the GAL. The therapist then gave up on BM ever seeking counseling with SD, and felt comfortable giving a legal opinion, which she did to the GAL. She confirmed that BM was the problem due to her inability to cooperate, her self centered approach to relationships, and her inability to understand the child's perspective. That was all quoted in the GAL report! Those terms, meant the judge would likely grant the psych eval, and if your BM is anything like ours (and I think she is) that struck the fear of God in her. She is too paranoid to let a shrink near her brain (unfortunately, because she could use some help!)
Good luck, and let me know if you would like any editing help when you get to writing those letters .
I'm a pro after all that practice!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Thanks so much
For the input! We have kept records on and off and have hundreds (literally) of emails back and forth to teachers, b/c SD kept switching schools. Unfortunately DH is out of town this week, but I will show him what you all said.