butt in the car and go along for these dropoffs. At least for a while. I would make it obvious to BM who the boss is.

Sounds like BM doesn't know what she wants. She's playing the back and forth game. After everything she's done to you FH, I can't believe he would even entertain her whining about her situation. He needs to tell her the only conversing they will do is about the kids. Nothing else Period!

"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac

I agree, go along! if you need an excuse, suggest going to dinner afterward, stopping at the store, whatever, but at least at the outset, I think that's fine.

Men just don't understand the ways in which SOME women can be manipulative and downright evil. ulterior motives, underlying reasons, etc. it's all just face value to them, and it CAN make you nuts, b/c complaining about it makes YOU look nuerotic, and the one with a problem.

I won't get into it now, but I had a similiar problem with a female friend of my fiance. Eventually, after many arguments, it came down to it doesn't matter if he thinks she's making a move for him or not, I DO, and as his fiance, I have a right to say it's not appropriate, no more emails, no more calls, DONE, b/c if what he has with her is so meaningless, then it should be a no brainer b/c it's hurting me. With BM it's different, they're always going to have to communicate, but the type of communication can change.

Oh and in the 2 yrs I've been with my Fiance, BM has never ONCE even set foot on our property. Of course that would mean she got off her ass to actually pick up or drop off SD, but nonetheless, in my house??? HELL NO.

Yeah, why do they even talk about personal issues? She CLEARLY is looking for something and she sounds like a very selfish person. She needs to stay the hell out of your house too! Get a new dog, get a new life for that matter. Go with him on drop off and pick ups. When you are there, you will be able to observe body language etc...if they seem to have more than the necessary civil conversation, that is your que to say goodbye, you don't need to deal with that.

Oh crayon, you just gave me a flashback.......when fiance and I were first together, he was invited to SS birthday parties, bowling, and other family activities......I said NO WAY......not happening....you are not a family anymore, deal with it. Of course I looked like the bad guy, and we argued about it for awhile, but I stuck to my guns and said " If you go, we are done" so he listened. It was just another way for BM to control, and we look like the bad guys by not taking the bait.....she even wanted to meet me for coffee, how about you choke on your coffee after everything you have done and said about me........Now the kids think BM is the hero....miss congeniality......"

First of all, your skids BM and mine are one in the same. She is a needy leech that depends on my husband financially and a lot of times emotionally. She is diagnosed bipolar with BPD and needs her ego stroked in order for her to act like a normal human being.

My husband appeases her just to keep the peace. They have a different sort of relationship that wears on my nerves sometimes.

I have my moments of being uncomfortable. And in my darkest and most insecure moments jealous of a woman who co-existed with the love of my life for most of his adult life. They bore three children and will always have the connection that DH and I will never share. But it is what it is and I can't change that fact and I have to allow myself these moments.

You need to talk to your husband openly and honestly. Tell him that you can't help being a little jealous of their relationship. You want the confidence not to care but he needs to help you accomplish this.

I don't think going with to pickups/drop offs is necessary. My husband knows that I prefer she not come to my house. So when he picks them or drops them off he makes it quick and usually calls me the moment he gets back in his truck. He just knows this makes me feel better. I've explained that in all my self confidence I struggle with him and BM. I have faith in out marriage and his love for me but I have trouble with the fact that he will be the constant stability that she so desperately needs.

Like many others, I think she should just bugger off and accept me as the "new sheriff" in town (as you put it so well). But my skids BM is not wired that way. She will never give up the fight and doesn't have the maturity or intelligence to respect my presence in her life and the lives of her ex husband and children.

As much as we hate to do it, sometimes we have to trust our husbands to do right by us. And it's up to us to make sure they know EXACTLY what that entails.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Doesn't mean you aren't being screwed. Which of course, doesn't help. But think long and hard. Your description of "piecing things together" based on tidbits of information sounds familiar to me.

I had that same realization, when another puzzle piece flew in this weekend. I am back to defining what are my limits and clamping down (again) on DH and SD.

Trust is a huge part of the relationship. If going to the dropoffs is what you need to do, go for it. Maybe, if it will interfere with work - you can call him on the cell during the drop off for a while. Or maybe have him call you? sounds odd, but at least a check in like that on HIS end can ease your mind while still not interfering with your day.

I have found that even though I talk about MY feelings when it comes to BM with FH I hit a brick wall because he just didn't get it. He thinks because it is Ok with HIM then why should it bother me? DUH? I don't even talk to him about BM right now I am saving that for our first couples counseling session tomorrow. I think the problem is they are used to this "pattern" and when someone new comes along and the pattern has to change he has a real hard time with it. I know my FH hates BM and it makes me sick to know all the crap she has given him but still he has dealt with it for going on 16years now so to him it is in a wierd twisted way "normal". My FH is a great guy and we have a great relationship and he is wonderful to me but he can not talk to me about BM ever it is like this big secret that he is ashamed of - I had to accidently find out he was paying for a cell phone for her and had him cancel it even though it dragged out for a couple of weeks. I too was getting myself so physically ill over the whole thing because he wasn't getting it - what woman wants to be with a man that doesn't put her first and by arguing with us about BM it makes at least me feel like he is sticking up for her. I made a great example to my counselor last week and she is going to have me bring it up in our session this week. I am not jealous, I know he wants nothing to do with her, etc., but the fact is I do not like anyone using my man to depend on for anything, call and bitch and scream at, call because whatever she wants at that moment is so important that he must drop everything to see what SHE wants - I feel protective of him. I know whenever anyone makes a comment to me or even if my own BS gets smart with me my FH jumps right in and defends me and is adamant that no one will disrespect me - well I feel the same way about him - I don't want anyone treating him like crap either. Then they turn around and get mad at us for trying to make them see that the BM's are treating them like crap. Counseling is my last hope!

Thanks for writing this. It's exactly the same thing I try to explain to my BF. He doesn't hear me either. Bits and pieces maybe but just can't get it to sink in 100%.

"That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment."
Dorothy Parker, 'But the One on the Right,' in New Yorker, 1929
US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)