Should I get out now?

I am engaged to my bf of 3 years we are planning to get married just the two of us none of our children by eloping in Reno this winter. I found this site because I was curious about what struggles there are in blended families. This will be the second marriage for both of us. I have a 16 and 11 yr old daughters at home he has a 10 yr son and 8 yr girl at home we don't plan to live together until we are married. So far we have been getting along great the problems mostly come from his 8 yr old daughter. She is in competition with everything constantly comparing what the older children are "getting to do" and her father pays her off with different rewards to satisfy her whining. Since we only spend weekends together I look forward to cuddling with my fiance but she always finds a way inbetween us I usually just get up and go do something else. Another thing that bothers me is he still bathes her and fetches her water, combs her hair, cuts her pancakes, and the list goes on. It drives me mad my children were so much more mature at that age. When she asks me to get her something I tell her shes a big girl and get it herself but then HE jumps up and gets it for her. I am considering calling the wedding off because i am now scared of my future and my childrens future living with this whiney brat who is NEVER happy and ruins all of our weekends with her pouting and complaining about the food, sleeping arrangements, clothes, and Way More I could make a book of her complaints. She is miserable and negative just like her Bmother and I fear the man who hopes to please her someday because he will go insane trying.

Josie age 37's blog
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I am in the SAME situation...

Except I married him 5 months ago. His 11 yr old daughter is SAME as your 8 yr old future SD. It is MADDENING!! Both of his children literally act 2-3 years younger than their ages. We went to a counseling session this Saturday, all 6 of us (BS8, BS5, SS8, SD11)...focused on issues w/ the two 8 year old boys (although his 8 year old acts like a kindergartener...seriously...he plays w/ my 5 year old). The issues with the kids REALLY affects our relationship...I find myself DISGUSTED with my husband now rather than attracted to him. His coddling of his kids, then his passive aggressive attitude toward mine...it is tearing us apart. I have been contemplating leaving him for months...but am trying to not make a rash decision. I no longer feel in love with him...I NEVER knew it would be this bad, or that my feelings could be so affected by our circumstances...add to it the BM, and its a recipe for disaster...If I could do it again, I would not have married him...we also waited to live together until we were married for several reasons...but that is when ALL the issues came out into the open. If you have any doubts...wait...do not jump into marriage. I know that isn't what you want to hear...I did not want to hear it either...and it bothered me if anyone said it...but it is SO TRUE!! The things you are seeing are the tip of the iceburg...take it from me...I'm talking to you from the Titanic.

thx 4 tip

Thanks for sharing your experience! You should still be on your honeymoon phase not be facing regrets! I don't know what to do, I really do love him but at my age I will not put myself thru hell for another 10 plus years trying "win" the love and respect of a child who is not going to give me a chance. if that's the case I will be happier single. My children accept him, they listen to him and don't complain or try to steal my attention away from him likewise his son treats me very kind, hugs me and tells me he loves my cooking, he even wants my birthdate (19th) for the number on his jerseys! I was hoping the girl would grow out of her bratty stage but after reading all the comments in these blogs I am not so sure I know what I am getting into it's like a huge gamble on my life. I and my children are pretty happy go lucky's and to have someone so negative in our house would just devestate us and bring us down to levels we cant deal with. Thanks again.

can relate!!

Honestly, everything you described sounds just like us. I am a very optimistic person, and do not like discord. His son adores me, my boys got along well with all (until recently)...His daughter and I do get along, but there is that underlying 'woman' sort of thing between us. When my husband is gone and I have all the kids alone, it is much more peaceful, but when he comes back, everyone gets tense. I am not thriving in all the stress and negativity and I miss the days when I was single, because I didn't have all this stress! My son (8) has told me he wants to go back to our old life in the 'little house'...My husband is just a very angry person and all the kids feel it (not just mine) and we all walk on egg-shells.

thx 4 tip

I've been there!

My DH has custody of his 2 daughters, now 11 and 7. Three years ago the oldest SD acted the same way at age 8. Ironically my DH acted like your fiance!! (Baths were an issue also). It creeped me out at first until I talked to some people about it and realized he's doing the best he can the only way he knows how. What I did was discuss "parenting" things in a sensitive way with him until we were completely on the same page. It got so much better but it really took some time. We went to some parenting seminars and things like that... Now at 11 my SD is amazing and not demanding or princess-like at all. I'm really proud of her.

Another thing - we went to therapy together a few times with a counselor on blending families. One thing he said to me was I'm not a "dad" and it's not up to me to tell him what's appropriate in terms of getting her water and so on... (My DH would be driving and SD would say "DADDY - GET ME MY WATER" and he would turn around while driving and fetch the water from beside her and hand it to her!) Some of these things I did "let go" and it eventually did improve.

Good luck to you If you really love him you can make it work. Does he have primary custody??

what did you

do about the bath issue? This still does creep me out. My dad hasn't seen me naked since I was 5. She is going on 9 that's almost twice the age I was. She also is naked in front of her 10 yr old brother when she gets dressed sometimes, isn't this wrong?? I have only had girls but I just think it's wrong even if they are brother and sis.

Wow they should make that news public

because I think there are still a lot of fathers bathing their daughters not knowing! Just from reading the posts on this website it is a common issue--WTH? There should be a commercial or public service announcement or something because no one ever mentions it. I got creeped out quite a few years ago at work when one of the foremen told me he gave his 12yr old daughter a bath, I said "what you still help your daughter bathe?" he replied with "just her hair" "I hope she always feel comfortable enough to have me see her naked" Yuk! I thought, so I said "even when she's an adult?" and he said "yeah, she's my daughter" DISGUSTING but I didn't do anything about it because I was naive I guess.

Talked it out

I really just talked it out with him, slowly at first. The kids need some level of modesty. In my DH's case the kids weren't modest because their BM never was. It's all a matter of how you grow up - mine was a more modest household and it is different when "steps" are involved. Kindly remind him that she'll start developing in less than 3 years. What worked with my DH is discussing if SD was that comfortable around all men it could be a problem later. What about if SD has a stepdad... that one got him thinking. Now my SD's do have a stepdad so when they visit their mom on her weekends he reminds them about "privacy"...

Lots of red flags here!

Children ages 8, 10, 11 and 16? Oh my! Obviously many people do marry but IN MY OPINION, you might want to wait until they are older to solidify your relationship.

I married a man where the youngest was 12 (all the rest were adults) and I wished I would have just dated him until he was older. LOTS AND LOTS of challenges with second marriages & young children.

This is a great site with lots of information. I encourage you to READ A LOT OF POSTS and talking to lots of people with experience with this type of thing before you make up your mind.

Have you talked to a counselor?

Find one who is also a SM. They are magnificent because they really understand.

I would hate to give you advice on the title of your post. Because my first instinct would be to say get out if your reservations are this big. At the very least I would postpone until I talked with a counselor if I were in your shoes.

The best advice I have to offer anyone who is considering marriage and having some red flags is...

Do you want to spend the next 12 years with her if she doesn't improve? Gets worse?

I always tell young women marrying the first time, to pay attention to all the things that bother you about your future H. And really dig deep. If you are marrying hoping things will get BETTER than your relationship is in it's current state? Hmmmm.... on my second marriage I can honestly say, no problems, personality clashes, or sore spots ever get better magically by marrying them.

But being that you were married before I suspect you learned that the hard way too!

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

It's your fiance, not his kid.

I don't think I can say it any plainer than that... the problem is not your future stepdaughter, the problem is your future husband. And if the two of you don't come to an agreement on how to parent all of the children in your family equally and fairly, it's gonna be a real struggle. You will fight. You will fight long, hard and loudly. The kids will know you are not a united front. They will divide and conquer. There are things he needs to do better and there are things you'll have to find a way to accept. Only you can decide if you should get out or keep going, but I'd advise holding off until you can agree on a way to parent these kids.

♥ ANNE 8102 ♥

If 8 is a problem, just wait until the teenage years!

The things that annoy you now are only going to expand and magnify as they approach and endure the teenage years. It probably won't improve until they're in their early 20's!

I'm not saying this to scare you, but it's really important to reflect on these things before you're "legally bound" (as it were).

If you don't want to spend your days miserabble, you will have to decide what you're willing to "let go." For example, if your FH wants to get up every five seconds to wait on his kids, let him. Since he's not living with them like he used to and doing things for them on a daily basis, this may be his way of making up that parenting time to them. This is not something you should try to interfere with -- unless he is asking you to wait on them also (which I would NOT do).

You are doing the right thing by getting up and doing something else when she gets between you rather than shooing her away. She will naturally feel a competition with you - the worst thing you could do would be to engage in it (IMO). That only results in your FH feeling caught between the two of you and feeling like he has to choose. If he feels like you're making him choose between you and his daughter, you're in for a world of heartache. (Being SM to two teenage girls - trust me on this.)

We also did not live together until we got married, but we did spend some weekends together (he would sleep in the living room of my apartment on an air mattress with his daughters). But that did give us a sense of what living together would be like. It's not easy at times - that's for darn sure! However, unless his catering to the girls negatively impacts me personally, I stay out of it. When there is something that personally affects me, I address it with them if I can - immediately and directly (and with humor if possible). I try to treat them like I treat my own kids (although I'll admit I don't grab them by the ear if they don't listen, like I sometimes need to do with my boys!).

In a word...Counseling

Before you take that big step!!

When my DH and I got married in 2004, his girls were 13, 11, and 8
and my boys were 13 and 10.

And although we have gotten a LOT of therapy SINCE then- both couples, individual, kids' therapy, and seen a parenting coach together, I WISH we would have taken that step to see someone BEFORE we walked down the aisle!

Not that I would have changed my mind, but it might have made things a little bit easier on us to get on the same page sooner. Until we did that, it has been an incredibly rough journey for us.

Thank God we absolutely adore each other! If it wasn't for that fact, we'd have been just another sad 'statistic' in the failed marriages numbers a long time ago.

Gook luck to you.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

I agree with the

counseling. Pre-marital counseling is a must! I agree w/what Sita said, find one that is a stepparent! Good luck!

Thanks Everyone

Thanks for all the input, and I won't get married without the both of us going to counseling. If he wants me for his wife he'll have to be on the same page with me boundries and all. I will not have an 8 yearold dictate my home or my happiness.

Smart, Josie...

I married my DH 10 years ago and my SD was 9. She is worse than ever towards me now at 19. Set boundaries!

Go cautiously here

I would be very careful to not marry him until things were more settled. Maybe move in together and set a date some time down the road. You should live with him first before you're legally stuck with him.
It probably isn't the thing we all dream about...I know I was all about getting married before I lived with my first husband...huge mistake. Now that I'm married again, I lived with him and his kids beforehand. That way I could see how bad things were before I was forced by law to live there.LOL
I think Crayon has a good point too...people don't change all that much ever. So what you see now, is how it's pretty much gonna be years from now. Sure there'll be improvements, but overall, do you think your love for your bf is strong enough to endure all the sucky things? I'm still wondering myself...

I promised myself I would NEVER

Live together without marriage AGAIN! Before this relationship I am in now that we have been talking about; I was living with a man I loved and he asked me to marry him 2 years into the relationship, we moved in together and stayed that way for 8 more years! I wasted my 20's on a man who loved me but wouldn't MAKE IT OFFICIAL and he was getting the milk for free. When I moved out 3 years ago from the house we built together I promised myself I would NEVER be in a live in situation again--Men have a hard time committing when they have EVERYTHING they need without "signing" for it. I made it very clear to this BF, and so far all talk about committment has been initiated by him because he knows I am "free" until he gives me that ring and a date. LOL. But thanks for the advice. My BF I don't ever want to change, we are happy just in eachothers company, he holds my hand, kisses me, hugs me, puts lotion on my feet and I would put up with an awful lot of grief from my future SD to keep him. i GUESS I prob just answered my own question. I am NOT GETTING out, I will just get counseling and for us and deal with issues one day at a time because what he and I have is special. One day we seen an old couple in a old Model T driving around town he said "that's us in 30 years" HOW CAN I GIVE UP ON THAT?!

i get what you're saying

I've been there and watched my friend waste 5 years on a guy momming his kids and her own, and putting up with is crap all to have him not marry her and dump her for a skank. I know the fear you're talking about because I have it too. And it's important to make men work for what they want...they like the challenge of someone hard to get. But only you know how far to push him...maybe he won't want to wait around to live with you after getting married. If he's a decent man he will, but some men see things differently...mine wants us to live together and progress to marriage. I have full confidence that if we were to stick it out I'll get the ring by my birthday, and if I don't I'll be prepared to move on. If you want to stick to not living with him before marriage, then be prepared that he may choose not to be with you.
I really hope you get what you want from him.
Best of luck

my opion is trust your insticts...

If you are having reservations now, it's not to overlook. After all, just by you finding this site says a lot. Do your research, dig deep into your soul, have discussions with fh (how he responds to your concerns will give you a huge insight on how things will go), counceling. You will make the right descision, just trust your instincts.

Good luck, keep us updated.

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

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