SD at hospital during birth of bio child - UPDATE/OUTCOME!
SD mentioned to her mom that she wanted to be at the hospital when our child was born. I have mixed feelings about this. In a way, I know it would be good if she can see the baby after the baby is born....but in another way, I want it to just be our time. BM didn't have to deal with any previous kids or anything when SD was born....what do you think?
UPDATE!!!!!!!!
I had our baby....SD was there with the family that day. Two days later, BM brought SD to the hospital and even tried coming into the room!!!! but she wasn't able to swap the visitor's pass with another visitor. This is even after DH's family asked if SD wanted to visit the hospital again with THEM What do you make of this? SD said she'd wait until the other visitor left so her mom could go in with her, but eventually came in by herself. She also brought presents. This is unusual...what do you think of that? After everything she's done...now this?
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here i go again
wicked selfish stepmom w no kids of her own yet...
i think great to have her come up after the baby is born but she doesnt need to be there for the birth. this is your first experience as a couple and u should have that for just the 2 of u.
after the baby is born, have DH go and pick her up and bring her for a special introduction, just the 4 of u.
but being there for the birth is unnecessary, although its very sweet she wants to be there. bring her up after to meet baby.
true....
I bet BM would volunteer to bring SD to the hospital....for what reason though? to be nosy?
um yeah
keep BM the hell away from there...besides it even more division if DH doesnt bring SD there himself.
OUTCOME
SD came to the hospital and saw my daughter after she was born. The next day, DH's family offered to bring her to the hospital but BM/SD had other plans. The next day, BM brings SD to the hospital and tries to get a visitor's pass to come into my room!!! I was so stressed out the baby kept on crying - I couldn't calm her down! BM never made it into the room because one of my visitors wouldn't give up her pass!
I have never had any of my kids at the hospital during
the delivery. They did come when Anna was born, but we couldn't get SD until a few days later due to crazy BM. All of them got to come to the hospital to see her, and then they all came with DH to pick their little sister up.
This is a personal choice. But I couldn't imagine not including them and then expecting them to feel this was their sibling. Anna is an amazing bond between everyone in our family. There is no "Step" between her and any of us. She is 'my daughter", "my sister" to each of us. And that's an amazingly beautiful gift.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
That's awesome
that there's no "step" between her and any of you guys. I'm still "DH's wife" (instilled into SD by BM) and not stepmom....and probably far far far away from being called mom.mommy.mother, etc . But for our child, there are no issues with her/SD calling our child "her sister." We never introduced the half-sibling term to her.
SD used to really want to call me mom
But BM nipped it in the bud with constant guilt, as well as demeaning and making fun of me non-stop to SD. I actually think it will come back one day, now that I am finding ways to be a better mom to SD again. I had disengaged a ton and that allowed her to further buy into BM's paranoia about me not being a mother to her. In all fairness to me I didn't totally disengage until SD was screaming at me daily, usually about how I had no right to say anything parental to her because I wasn't "her mom." Her favorite phrase when DH and I would be talking to her about her problems was, "This is between me and my DAD and MY MOM. YOU have NO SAY and NOTHING to do with it!!!!" But then BM blew her off a lot again, blaming DH for it, and SD called her on it- "NO HE'S not telling you that you can't come and get me- YOU ARE DOING IT!!!" was one of the last conversations they had a few weeks before SD left for CA.
So for now I'm just "Zen" most of the time, though she does introduce me as her SM sometimes too. I let it go. I know that she knows deep down I am a better mother to her than her mom is capable of being. I also know that must sting quite a bit and that I will be the target of all her displaced and misdirected anger.
I guess that's another thing to add to the SM job description
What were we thinking when we signed on for this position anyway????
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Skids attending birth of new half-sib
I didn't want my son there when my daughter was born because I didn't want him to be traumatized by seeing me in the pain of giving birth. Some families include older siblings and hey, whatever works for them. For me, though, I just wanted my hubby there and NO ONE else. At least, no one but hubby and the MALE nurse who attended me. Thanks very much, Camp Lejeune Naval Hospital, for sending me a MALE nurse to attend me during childbirth. He was a real help. I always dreamed that the nurse at my side, guiding me through the pain of childbirth, would be a Navy Corpsman with a 5 o'clock shadow. At one point, when hubby and male nurse were telling me repeatedly to keep pushing and that I could do it, I screamed at them, "How would you sons of bitches know? Have either one of you ever given birth?!" Yeah, they backed off. They were good for ice chips, but that's about it. I digress. Sorry.
Having kids or skids present during labor and delivery? I vote no. Having kids and skids visit after the birth? I vote yes, even if just for a few minutes. They are part of the family and including them in this event can help cement the whole family together. No to BM being there, have another trusted relative bring her. You'll be so euphoric, though, that you won't mind her being there for a few minutes to greet her new sib and it could do wonders for promoting positive feelings between SD and the new baby. I have to say, I felt a whole lot closer to my skids after giving birth to their sister. She created a blood tie between all of us.
♥ Anne 8102, D/B/A Georgia ♥
"Good men don't just happen. They have to be created by us women." (from ROSEANNE)
How old is SD? If she is
How old is SD? If she is interessted in attending the birth, have her watch a few episodes of "A Baby Story" and ss how she feels then.
I invited all my SK's to be in the room when we had 2 babies. They declined but were there immediately after.
You are right about one thing. This is your "sepcial time" but as a family. What I can tell you from my experience is do not create a barrier where there isn't one, do not EVER say the words "half-sibling".
Baby Story
I have something even better than a Baby Story.........BM recorded SD's birth!!! SD told me they usually watch it a few times a year and she even talked about seeing her head crown!!! So, it's nothing new to her. She gave me a play by play about what everyone in the room was doing (her mom, my dh, her grandmas, her aunt).
Oh gag! Sorry. I knew DH
Oh gag! Sorry. I knew DH and ex before they divorced. BM used to pull out those old movies right after DH divorced her. I don't think she should have been dragging the kids down memory lane with her at that time.
Oh Cru
You have such a way with words. Thanks for the visual combined with "slip and slide" -- my kids have been wanting one of those and have played on the neighbors a ton. NOW I WILL BE THE ONE NEEDING GLASSES or risk further traumatizing!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
omg
how the hell did you come across bm spread eagle after giving birth!??!?! yikes!
choking here
This pic idea is both disgusting and hilarious - they need to rename those water things in the backyard, this is giving them a bad name! I can just imagine the milk carton debaucle and my cheeks are hurting from laughing at this! thanks for the laugh
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
When our son was born last year
it was just me & Dh & the medical staff. I had an emergency c section & evenm if we had done it the old fashioned way neither of us wanted anyone else there. When Danny's heart rate shot up & they said we had to go with plan B DH called my parents & they drove down ( 2 hrs away) After he was born DH called BM & she dropped the boys off at the hospital. They arrive shortly after I got up from recovery & hung out in the hall with my parents so I could have my time alone with him. ( the nice thing was DH was with him the whole time and got some special daddy baby time & our son was not alone) Then the kids & my parents got to come in & meet there brother & grandson.
What I would have done differntly. Danny was born on a Wed & I was discharged on Saturday. We should have switched weekends because we had the kids the weekend I came home. That would have been best for both DH & I. Before anyone says anything... when my sister & my brother were born my grandma kept us for 3 days after my mom was discharged after both her c sections. We went over every day to visit BUT my parents only had to worry about caring for themselves & the new baby. We also had the kids for the second week I was home for our vacation/ bonding. Since we have them every day after school or ycare I would not have done that but waited until a few weeks when things were under control more. I think it would have been more fun for them & for us.
All that said & done, my kids have a tremendous bond with their brother so despite all the crazy & stress ( my DH had a break down & was crazy infront of my mom & went off on her)
double post
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
depends on age and mantality for birth room I think!
I would say giving birth "period" is a beautiful thing,
I myself cant have anymore children but if I could I would let SD in on it, thats a great compliment that she want to participate,BUT I also think it depends on the age and mantality of the child.
Above someone mentioned that you do not use " step", I can agree with that, I mean now you are bring a half sibling to this SK into their life.I understand this is your first, rather you let SD in on it or not, just discourage that word in the future
I myself am raising a 15 year old that just moved in 3 months ago, I love him and my son just the same and I do not differ between the two.
I ALWAYS introduce him as my son,but thats my heart and I cant see any difference even I wanted to regaurdless of B.M bull crap, to me he is my baby and I love him.
I known him for almost 3 years now and I have the chance to be something to him and BELIEVE me..I am running with it!
let me..let me..let me
I could never have any more children so this has been a real treat for me and my son.
" Life is like a jar or Jalapeno peppers, what you
do today could burn your a*s tomorrow."
sk as your own son
that's nice.....but isn't it strange when sd always refers to me as her dad's wife? NEVER stepmom? wouldn't it be strange if i introduced her as my daughter?
Well, I would not have any
Well, I would not have any kids in the delivery room period. I am the oldest of 7 kids, and I have never seen any of them born... My parents have a range of 33 to 13 in ages and although we are all bros and sis - I would have wanted my privacy respected. I just dont think kids should see their mom's private parts doing that.... It could be very scarey and traumatic.
Don't get me wrong giving birth is a beautiful thing. But when i gave birth to my daughter - my parents, and husband at the time were in the room. AS it went to fast and no one remember to ask my parents to leave out... Hell I went from 6 to 10 in about 12 minutes, pushed one time and my daughter jumped the rest of the way out... She was almost dropped on the floor.
But my dad even said - he wished he would have not seen that about his daughter - the private stuff. Now my sister on the other hand - had everyone in the room. I could not look *down there* but just concentrated on holding her hand - as she went completed natural twice.
BUT back on subject.... I would not want my BD or SD in the delivery room. Too much things they should not see *my private area*, and too many things can go wrong and traumatize them for life. They would however be more than welcome to visit with the baby right after he or she is born. I don't care what the heck BM does as long as she does not come in the room with me and my baby and does not cause drama.
But i feel she has a right to be with her daughter to answer questions or to help her out if she would feel uncomfortable in any way.... Just not being a drama queen or taking the attention off of the blessed even that just occured and if she did - I am sure one of my 5 brothers would have her removed... very quickly.
********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************