It's me, the pessimist
I just feel like blabbing today. So I think I just might.
(I posted on MySpace as well...so for my friends on MySpace - sorry for the repeat.)
The custody hearing for my BS12 is on Friday. I have shoes I have a more extensive relationship with than this father and son.
DH and my lawyer don't seem to be concerned at all. The two of them also seem to think I am being silly fretting over such an ordeal. Maybe I am. I always seem to think the worst of a situation. I wish their optimism was contagious.
Biodad has given no reason as to why he objected the final orders hearing. He has filed no motions and has yet to contact me even though the Magistrate urged him to do so. I was granted temporary sole custody based on his obvious disinterest and disregard to the original filing. So I just can't seem to figure out what he is up to. Maybe that is the core of my concern. Not knowing his intent. I also place little faith in this man ever having good intentions in anything he does when it comes to the child that binds us together.
I am a woman of compromise. I am firm in my beliefs but I am so ridiculously open minded and I strive to make the best of a situation. But when it comes to this I am struggling. I am trying so hard to be objective but feel like my judgement is clouded by my complete disgust of a person I don't even really know anymore.
What is right? and what is fair? I know what I think. I think what would be best would be for him to disappear for now and then answer the unbearable questions of his departure when my son is mature enough to understand. The law doesn't agree with me. The court's volunteer psycholgist and I briefly discussed the matter and he seems to think that it is in the "child's best interest" to establish the relationship. Okay. Then I get to take part in the cost of therapy and a parental evaluation. Then there's the lawyer costs, my favorite way to throw away money. How is THAT fair? I paid the price when he left and now I pay the price because he came back.
I'm not mad like I once was. I'm heartbroken. Plain and simple. I failed to protect my son from not having a father in the beginning and now I'm failing at protecting him from the same man all these years later. And it is breaking my heart. 
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Comments
CG do not be hard on yourself.
You cannot take responsibility for the actions (or non-actions) of BD. That is not fair to you. He will have to take responsibility for himself. I am sure your son is well adjusted anyway. Sounds like BD will flake out eventually anyway. I can't tell you to stop worrying so much, b/c I too am a worry wart, but just try not to worry so much. HUGS
Thank you...
for ALL your encouragement.
I am trying. I swear I feel like BM these days - like a bipolar swing. One moment I'm fine and confident...and then panicky the next.
I just wish I knew someone who had been thru EXACTLY what I'm going thru with a GOOD outcome. But that's what is weird. Everyone who I have spoken to said that the non involved parent just left forever and there was no "contesting".
He literally waited till the very last minute to contest. It was like two days prior. My 'prediction' was that he wouldn't bother with it and he proved me wrong.
I'm hoping it's an attempt to get out of child support which I will gladly grant him.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
You are absolutely fabulous.
But you're not a fortune-teller. You can't know what the future will bring. All you can do is make the best decisions you can in the present and that is exactly what you have done all along. You're a great mom and great moms worry. Just try to breathe... it'll all work out!
________________________________________________________________
ANNE 8102 ♥ GEORGIA
Awww...gee...thanks...
I AM fabulous.
I'm just pouting today. Just a little discouraged and thought I'd dump a little of my frustration.
I just want the decisions to be MY decisions to make in the "best interest of the child". Not some official that refers to my son as "the minor child".
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
CG, I know how you feel
My ex and I were together until the kids were 2 and 5. After the divorce I remarried a year and 1/2 later. He then quit seeing the kids. He has been in and out of jail. Usually no where to live. No job ect. After the initial hearbreak (for the oldest) things a bit better but once every year or so, he would pop back around and want to visit the kids. I never stood in the way - until he was arrested for having a meth lab in his rental trailer. I went right to court and had his visitation rights revoked. Well he just got out of jail on the fourth. He stayed in contact with the kids by letters and occasional phone calls, and two visits to the jail actually. He had said that he was really making a positive move forward etc. We the kids were so excited (now 8 and 10) for their Dad to be getting out and starting a new life...well no call from him on the 4th, 5th, or 6th. Then he called me today and asked about seeing the kids. I told him, that should have been his first concern when he walked out of jail last week. Well it turns out that he went to visit from friend (ie party) and now was available so he could spend some time with the kids! I dont think so! The only way he is allowed to even see them is at my home or in a public place (restaurant) where I drop them and wait in the parking lot for them to finish! Some men will never understand what it is to be a parent. The sad thing is, is that he is missing out on the two most wonderful children and he doesnt even know it.
I get down on myself because I think "gee this is what I have provided to my kids as a father?" But they do have my DH whom they both love dearly. It just doesnt seem fair though. The kids are the ones who end up hurt...until hopefully they are old enough to understand that is not their fault that their dad is a LOSER>
"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."
Falling from Grace...
First and foremost. I love your screen name. Mine was almost 'Grace is gone' - a Dave Matthews song that I LOVE. Not only that your signature line is the proper version of mine. So you and I my friend have much in common.
Your post. Your feelings of guilt. I know them well. It's hard to disappoint a child, and then to have to do it over and over again. That is the injustice of it all.
Thank you for providing comfort when I was feeling pretty lonely in my situation.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Hang in there CG
You know how I feel about the parenting evaluation
I feel it's the best money spent. I had to pay money twice too and it sucked, but in the end it worked out and it will for you too! Oh how we pay dearly for our dumb choices! All my love to you!
Dumb choices...
and bad taste in men.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
You're not failing your son...
life is full of disappointments and disappointing people, you're teaching him how to handle these people with strength and grace... which by the way you have NOT fallen from!
I assume you will update with the good news once the hearing is over...
I hope, hope, hope
that I will have good news after the hearing...
Maybe not exactly what I want, but hopefully still 'good'...
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
CG
I dont know if this helps but my youngest son was verbally abused by his father to the point he wanted to committ suicide.
now this father was around all the time, we did not divorce till he was 13 ( I should have divorced him sooner) and told my son oh I love you buddy blah blah and then in the next instant call him a f*cking lazy kid.
yeah.
so when his father ruined his graduation night, he was on the back porch of my house almost curled up in a ball, the only thing I could tell him was "that he could never change his dad or the way his dad acted that the only way he could make a change was to change the way his dad affected him, i also told him that it was ok not to like his dad and still love him
my baby told me that was the best thing I could have said to him.
maybe you can tell them the same thing? help them realize that they are not to blame for the actions of the father.
we cant fail our children when we stand up to protect them and love them.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Actually...
I had a good heart to heart with BS12 last night. He has such a good heart. I don't think he feels any "blame" yet for the departure of his biodad. I hope that it will stay that way.
Lat night, I actually saw a tv program on MTV (of all places) that dealt with older kids that were in search of their biological fathers. They were all over 18 and "ready" in my eyes.
I think that he should know his father and understand his background one day. I just don't think that now is the time. And I just can't figure out why biodad can't respect that.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
like some parents
it is not about the kid but about themselves, some parents can not see beyond their own needs to put the kid's best interest first.
I always enjoy your post CG and from what I read from you I think your BS will be ok and is very lucky to have you as a mom.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."