maid or stepmom
I have been a stepmother for 4 years now doing all the driving with hubby to pick up and drop off stepkids.There is a set schedule that is only followed if they feel like it.My issue is my stepson 16 and son 12 live with us and sd 14 lives with mom when they are all together it is tough because i do all cooking cleaning plus take care of animals 2 dogs horse and a potbelly pig.I told my husband that having all 3 kids for a week plus driving them is to hard on me.He thought that i just didnt want hid daughter over but i feel like a maid as is and 1 more child for a week i dread.None of them do chores and when the 3 of them are together its worse am i right for saying this to him?
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Of course you are right to
Of course you are right to voice your concerns. You are not their maid and they are all old enough to help with some chores, especially if 2 of them live with you fulltime. Stand your ground and demand that you get some help or else you will go on strike and they can all cook for themselves and do their own laundry.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
Please,
you are MORE than right to say that to him.......you need to tell him the skids MUST help out around the house! If that doesn't work, go on strike, I did it.....it worked!
What I am about to do
This may help you. My husband thinks his job is solely outside stuff (mow yard, car maintenance) and that I should be responsible for the house and kids. We both work full time. Now he won't even help wash dishes.
I plan to make a detailed list of everything I do every day and the time it takes, compared to his time commitment as a member of this family. I hope this will help him see the disparity and make him more willing to "pull his weight."
When SD15 lived with us, she was required to: clean her room (never did it), clean her bathroom (did about once every three months), vacuum downstairs (did reluctantly, with prodding, every week), and wash a load of towels (again, reluctantly every week). Those were her contributions to the house, and the last three meant less things for me to do.
Might be worth a try? FYI, my BD4 takes care of the cat (food and water -- with supervision). I would think either SS16 or BS12 could do pet chores.
I have already tried
I have already tried to sit them down and made a chore list but didnt work.I had a really bad kidney infection and couldnt even walk and sd asked if i can do her laundry.That was a while ago but it still bothers me.Also she wrote some nasty things on her computer how her dad would always take her side on everything and called me a b....he didnt talk to her for a week but still thinks she didnt do it even though it was her email address.Then when i spoke up about this the other day trying to figure out visiting for the summer he pretty much left it all up to me and wanted nothing to do with it.I would also drive 45 minuetes to pick them up but they wouldnt be there and it was a big waste of time.When i called sd cell she was on a bus going to the mall and ss i had no idea where he was.Dh talked to ss but didnt to sd.Is there a lack of respect here?
Yes indeed
There is definitely a lack of respect. What my friend did with her kids (all bio but still a good idea) is tell them that if they didn't help her with the chores, she would have to complete them all herself. And until her chores were completed, they couldn't do anything fun as a family. So no outings or activities until the chores were completed, by someone. This works well for her.
Oh my goodness, please go on
Oh my goodness, please go on strike my friend. DO NOT GO AND PICK THEM UP AND DO NOT DO ANY COOKING OR CLEANING UP AFTER THEM. They all need to learn a very serious lesson.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
go on strike
that is ridiculous you should not be picking HIS kids up and for them to not be there..rude rude rude.
I went on strike and only did MY stuff MY laundry My dishes My cooking. Picked up only MY stuff.
finally they got a clue.
so I made a chore list for everyone that lives in my house full time - that includes FH me 19 BS and 18 SS- if they do not follow the chore list then they pick up my chores for the next day. IF they dont do those then they have to pay me what I would pay a maid to do.
so far it has worked and I have some free time and some stress free living.
you truly need to put your foot down for as long as you allow this to continue it will continue.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Wont work
I think if i went on strike everything would fall apart i wish my hubby would speak up and not be peeved because i said i couldnt handle all 3 kids every other week.My husband would probably be mad if i did nothing while he worked all day.I know this might sound mean but sd may move in with us for school year but i dont want that how would i tell him something like that.I just feel so disrespected and used and worn.
Strike
and if all things fall apart then they will see what you really do. All 3 of those children are capable of doing chores. My ss7 feeds cat, sets and clears table when we eat, sweeps dining room after we eat, makes his bed so good I could not do it better myself and keeps his own room picked up. Now granted I have been working with ss since he was 4 to do these things. he wants to do dishes but I would rather do them. It is ridiculous that you get no help in that sense. My H is very helpful in that sense so I just do not understand when stuff like your situation happens. For sure let it all go and let them see what you do. Particularly H who needs to jerk a knot in his kids chain
SKs
If their father was backing you up you could put your foot down and demand that everybody pitch in, but since he isn't it will be difficult. First of all there are things that you can't control and there are also many that you can. These kds are not 5 years old so why are you doing their laundry? Choose the things that you are willing to do and let the rest go. If he doesn't like it then it will be tough ****. Tell him that he will have to pay a cleaning company to come in a shovel out the dirt after she leaves or otherwise he can do it himself.
Don't do it!
I've stopped doing SD11's laundry altogether. The most I end up doing is every now and then throwing her stuff into the dryer if its in the washer when I need it.
But the way I figure it, she's old enough to do it herself, and if she doesn't, SHE'S THE ONE WHO WILL SUFFER, NOT ME. So, maybe if she has to go a week without clean clothes, she'll learn something. If not, not my problem.
I have the same attitude about SD's room now. If she doesn't clean it....oh well, she's the one living in a mess. Not my problem.
Where I do have a problem is when her mess starts to encroach into the common living areas. I will just make a pile and dump it outside her bedroom door now.
Its a bit more difficult with things like dishes. I happen to have the lowest mess tolerance in my house. My DH doesn't seem to be bothered by a sink full of dirty dishes. If I complain, he says, "Don't do them." And he's okay with just leaving them there, dirty. I'm not. So I'm still basically the dish washer. But its better than how it used to be, when I was doing her laundry, cleaning her room, etc. I'm so done with that.
Do that with my BS15
I've been doing that along time with my son's room. There are just too many other concerns at this age. Glad to hear someone else does. Most people who come into my house think I'm nuts. I just close the door. If he leaves anything anywhere else in the house he's expected to pick it up. Someday he'll have roommates, or a wife, who'll just love me for that I'm sure!
"I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don't do any thing. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more."
Dorothy Parker, Here Lies (1939), "The Little
Same boat
My DD13 has been doing her laundry for the past year. I think she's old enough to do it herself. She has chores that she helps me with around the house and she has to clean up after herself and keep her junk out the common living areas or else I hide it.
OTOH, her room is a disaster. If CPS came in, they might threaten to remove her from my custody. Just kidding, but seriously, I don't have to live in there so I don't care, and I'm not going to add her room to my list of things to stress out over.
It causes a lot of tension between my husband and I be/c he thinks her room should be spotless. BUT if you saw his kid's room, that's a whole different post.
already started
well i was waiting to go pick up ss from visit to his moms and he phoned and asked to stay one more day this schedule is never followed so i told him to phone back in 10 minuetes so i could call his dad at work and tell him if he is not coming today he will have to pick him up tomorrow but his dad said no he has to come home today but ss never phoned back.Summer has just started and already they cant follow schedule.
grrrrrrrrr
My SD does this all summer long. Calls and asks if she can stay at Mom's another couple of days. Its bad enough she'll be there a full week later this month. It'll take us a full month to de-program her from that!
Good for your DH for saying no. Can't he call and tell your SS and just go get him?
I SO understand..
My problem is my expectations of the house and everyone else's is entirely different. My kids (BSs 11, 14, SD 13, Anna 2.5) and DH all think that it's absolutely LOVELY when I have run around like a maniac, like a hamster on a wheel, like a whirling dervish and turned the house into a sanctuary of clutter-free, shiny-clean calmness.
They all compliment me on it, and at times border on implying it's too bad that it doesn't look like this all the time.
Then they proceed to each leave behind a trail including but not limited to-
1 baseball, 2 baseball gloves, 3 pairs of shoes, 4 hoodies, 5 ball caps...30 baseball cards...etc etc etc...
On every recently made available by me, surface.
I then throw a "Am I am mom or a maid?!?!?" tantrum and everyone looks like I am absolutely irrationally insane.
I might be.
If so, it's due to being driven there by all these slobs who inhabit my environment on a sometimes daily basis.
I feel your pain. I would go on strike myself, but unfortunately, the only one who would suffer in the growing piles of filth is me.
If I don't keep up with it all it becomes unbearable in about 36 hours tops.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I am having to do this with my husband!
We are supposed to have a rotating dishwashing schedule (I wash them for a week, he washes them for a week). Only he thinks because it's summer and he has more "outdoor" duties I should handle ALL the dishes. I don't think so! I work full time and am away more than him because I also transport BDs 4 and 2. I leave the house at 7:30 am and get home at 6 pm. He can leave at 8 am and be home by 5:30 pm.
This morning I came into the kitchen to find about a hundred ants all over the counters. My week for dishes ended Sunday and since then they've been piling up. The ants came into to feast on the bounty! I called his cell phone and laid into him. He said he'll wash the dishes tonight. Meanwhile, my kitchen counter is covered in ant spray.
Even before we had custody
Even before we had custody of SD, we had both kids doing chores and we even found a fair way to do the allowances- we used marbles to keep track of what they did- then payed them an amount for each marble at the end of a month usually- its funny SD would be here e/o weekend(keep in mind she is 5 yrs older than 1st bio son) but there were times when she had more than our son- she loved earning money - well loved having it anyway...
There is no reason where logic does not exist