When do you leave or stay? Can this work?
My name is Christina. I am brand new to this site, or really any site about being a step mom for that matter. I'm starting a bit late....I'm ready to leave somedays, and your words seem pretty smart, like you truly understand. I've been lost, depressed, empty, and this has been building for a while. I'm only 28 and have no bio children of my own, so it's hard to deal with someone else's very untruthful daughter and ex-wife, and a husband who refuses to see things clearly. I love him so much, but need so much help. I'm so hurt and confused. I don't know how to find the strength to live with him or without him right now. We've tried counseling many times and talks, but he hates talking, and I've given everything I know how to give. I have been manipulated and treated like subhuman by his child and ex-wife for the past four years on and off. We have a crazy ex wife situation, there are court orders, restrictions on her, etc. She won't let up and now my step daughter just continues her mother's vendetta...to drive me out. It's working for sure. I always said that I would not let them do that to me over the past four years that we have been together. But now I can't keep up with this, and I refuse to sink to their level or play their games. I'm a peaceful person, I just want peace, to be loved and happy and respected. I give all of that to my step daughter, but I feel empty now because she doesn't even say a passing thank you, so there's no way I expect sincere gratitude, a hug, any love, or even no reaction. I get resented, because her mother has taught her that. Since we have my step daughter half of the time, she's back and forth and there are always issues, always problems, but my husband can't see that it's not normal for his daughter to be turning 11 years old in Nov. and she still has not a single regular chore, she trashes the house, she complains about everything (and I mean everything), she still goes to the bathroom in her pants (which manifested a year and a half ago), she is a virtual hypochondriac and screams, flips out and even kicks or slaps doctors when they go near her, she acts completely perfect in school to her teachers, but bashes them once she leaves, she fights with her few friends, she refuses to eat healthy, it's nuts. She's stolen food from the cupboards when she can't have that dessert she wants(which I think is normal for kids at times), but she also has stolen candy from her friends and blamed it on them, or money or stuff from my purse (which I don't think is acceptable). But, she puts on a great front and is an A+ actress. She can cry on the spot, and when she gets her way, she will be fine that second and has even smirked or winked at me in the past when her dad gave in to her. I hear her tell her friends on the phone (yes, she has a cell phone her mother bought her) that her dad is the biggest pushover and falls for everything. She laughs about it. He questioned her about it and she said so nicely that was not true and that she would never do that and that I just was trying to get her in trouble. (He didn't hear it because he was not here) I'm so fed up with being nice, always having to be the person to understand everyone else's problems, and who's there for me? I am so hurt, so lost, feeling worse than I have ever felt before. We have only been married a year and a half, and I'm at the end of my rope. Should I keep hanging on? If I should leave, how can I get through this? It truly hurts. Any help or advice would be so appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me.
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i think boundaries are going
i think boundaries are going to be necessary. you should talk to your hubby and tell him once and for all what is and what is not acceptable for you to deal with. and if he cannot agree then you need to be prepared to leave and let him know that. let him know you are at the end of your rope and that something has to give. if he truly values your marriage, he will work with you and stand beside you as a united front to have some resolve once and for all with the behavior of your sd and bm. i would strongly sugest counseling for the girl. if she is going to the bathroom at her age that is a sign of regression which i belive is somehat typical for kids from divorced families. ultimately your happiness and more importantly your piece of mind needs to be prioritized. but if your hubby cannot open his eyes and see how this is destroying your marriage, then you are fighting a losing batttle - it will only get worse. set up bundaries. talk it out with your hubby and put that girl in therapy! if not then seriously reconsider your marriage. but if you really love him and he relaly loves you, do not let that girl or bm take that from you if that's wat they're trying to do.
Thanks...what do you think?
First off, thank you for contributing advice my way. It's amazing that complete strangers are here to help each other through such trying situations. I am grateful for this discovery!
I agree with you...boundaries are truly necessary. We have worked through the boundary issues and have created and even implemented some before, many times. However, my husband is not consistent with upholding pretty much any discipline or boundaries. He is very sympathetic and very often lets his daughter wear him down until he gives in. He gives her what he wants to sometimes, even if I don't agree. He always says, it's just a difference of opinion. But, I can't get him to see that consistency and stability are what his daughter needs. A chore or actually living with her own little decisions is not the most horrible thing for her.
How should I handle boundaries alone? I can't just be the main foundation for that. It's challenging, and I sadly can't seem to get through. I'm very sure of one thing...he doesn't see his daughter clearly (both the good and the bad sides). He sees her as a good kid and justifies her behaviors and excuses many of them. He says "that's what kids do", and I agree, to a point. Kids do things, but not almost all the time, every single day. Not all kids don't manipulate, lie or have dramatic issues every single day. Also, what do I do since I have slim hopes that he will ever see the reality of things? I love him more than anyone in the world, but he does let his daughter come between us and I don't know how much I can or should take. I just refuse to be mean or sink to a lower level, so it's very hard to cope. What do you think or suggest? Thanks so much.
i agree with the other
i agree with the other posts. your own individual therapy would be very critical for you right now. in addition therapy for all 3 of you would not hurt but only and absolutely help. i have had plenty issues with my fiance already and we have started therapy and there has been progress that has come out of it. i tried and tried so hard to work with him initally and to try to make him see the issues that were damaging our relationship (bm and his skids - particularly his 16 yo son). i believe that most divorced parents hold a tremendous amount of guilt for their children and only see them as their precious children and not understand nor see clearly that the behavior they are condoning effectively is much more damaging to them long term as adults. children need discipline. they need order. what children see they do and what they get away with , they'll push for more.
my approach with my fiance and his kids because he on some level lets them practically get away with murder. initially i felt like a b*** trying to have these kinds of conversations with him (and he was always defensive) but then i tried a different approach. when his son would act out i would create a scenario i would say 'how will your child cope as an adult because you are allowing him to act in this way and get away with it? what lessons are they to learn? and isn't it your responsibility as their parent to teach them the lessons they need to cope in every day life as adults?' i am not saying this works for everyone but it worked for me (at least for now).
also i finally stood firm on my boundaries with him and made it very clear to him once and for all what i could not deal with. i told him once and for all that things needed to change or i was leaving. i don't think he truly unsderstood how serious i was until i actually went away for a few weeks. things has changed quite a bit but i know in my heart that being with this man will always result in some heartache, some disappointment. it's par for the course.
i believe for you (and for all of us in these sitautions) there is always going to be some level of pain and disappointment but at this moment it seems that it has gone too far. you need to take action. put your fut down. be very clear with him. demand change demand counseling for everyone or you leave. as much as you love him, you are not going to be able to take much more unless something changes. it's unfortunate but ultimatums are necessary if all else fails. if he loves you as much as you love him it may take a little more action on your part for the lightbulb to turn on in his head.
good luck
Any more advice?
Is there anyone else who has any advice or help to offer?
Yes, but you need to protect YOU!
I am going to counciling right now (just for me)and it has helped some.My situation(in the beginning)was just like yours. My SD is 21 now, has a baby and no marriage,no job(no desire to get one) and if it were not for me standing in the way, she would be leaching off of my husband by now.Your husband feels guilt,logically maybe he KNOWS he may not be to blame,but try telling that to his heart. And he overcompensates to the degree that he is not doing that little girl any favors by giving in to her all the time.All he (and you) will end up with is an emotionally stunted GROWN woman to take care of the rest of your lives,IF you stick around, that is, then he will have NO LIFE,because she will RUN his life. TO THIS DAY, my husband is HOPING that my SD will GROW UP,and quite frankly, I AIN'T seeing it! So,if you are not ready to give up on the marriage just yet,SOMEONE is going to have to take a stand, and it might have to be you! Are you willing (for the sake of your marriage) to sometimes be the bad guy? Can you lay down an ultimatium to your husband?,that if he dosen't step up and be that girls father,(which means being the guy who lays down the rules AND STANDS BY THEM (AND YOU) sometimes,instead of being good time dad,THAT is what being a dad is!)than you walk, or give over the parenting to you!My SD, about 11, threw a hissy fit, for some stupid reason,and I calmly told her, NO,you will not be able to do that.You would have thought I shot her,by the way she reacted!!My husband was at work,and I had the kids that day,(I figure,my house,my rules)I told her that all she was going to get was tired and grounded.And she did!Do you know, that to this day, she has NEVER thrown a fit again!! She may manipulate and lie, but by God, she dosen't throw fits. I'm sorry, it 's just that I see myself in you.Is he willing to go to counciling with his daughter and you? So, my sugestion to you is,stand YOUR GROUND with him and SD, and if he is not willing to STAND BESIDE YOU,DO you think that maybe you don't really have the marriage that you deserve?? I'm not saying this easily, believe me.I have told my husband just last week, that if he EVER gives his daughter another dime without consulting me,I am walking,and he KNOWS I mean it. Just the other night, he came and asked me if it was alright if she could spend the night. Of course he said it in front of her, but he is making progress.Giving ultimatiums is a scary thing,but sometimes,that's all that will WAKE him up.
AND,please seek help for that little girl, it sounds like she REALLY NEEDS BOTH of you to help her.What is her home life like with her mother? ALSO, you need to take care of YOU,and IF HE WON'T OR CAN'T, then who will?? Only you!! SO do it!
From someone who has been there, and still there!
Good Luck!
hangingin
Yes, please get into some
Yes, please get into some therapy. I fear for you right now. I remember the terribly desperate feeling of being alone and everyone around you acts as if it is all in your head and you are the one with the problem. Go into therapy so you can have someone to talk to who will recognize you are a very giving person with so much heart.
And please don't think of it as giving your husband an ultimatum, keep in mind that your husband is the one who has made selfish demands of you by forcing you to live with SD's behaviour. You will simply be explaining to him that you are deserving of consideration and here is what you need from him. Define your requirements and show him how the changes you require are not selfish, but will be better for all involved. If he refuses to make some changes understand, as difficult as it will be, it isn't you who are choosing to end the relationship, you know what you need and the choice is his . You are a great woman for tolerating all that you have.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I---
I took the one less traveled by,
and that made all the difference. -Robert Frost-
to be honest, I would leave.
to be honest, I would leave. You can not see nor think straight in all that bedlam.
I would seek individual counseling and fix myself before I let him in my world. If, when you are well, you can feel you can handle his lifestyle--then it is up to you to work on it.
Work on your head first.
THANK YOU!
Wow, thank you all so much for your advice and points of view. I really appreciate the insights and your sharing. I'm going through a difficult time and the challenges seem to be piling up. So, please share any more advice about this or new advice if you think of anything new or haven't yet replied. I'm happy to have someone help. Thanks again.Christina
One More Thing!
You might cringe at this idea,but for your own sanity and to help you MAKE your husband SEE how manipulative your SD is,invest in a Nanny Cam and hide it where no one knows it's there,and the next time you are alone with SD,RECORD HER BEHAVIOR. This may FORCE your husband into understanding that really is a PROBLEM,that you are not just pulling this stuff out of thin air!!! Go one even further, RECORD HIS BEHAVIOR,how he gives in to her, even after the horrible things she has said and done to you.THAT should wake up even a dead man,ya think?
You never know, even after all this and he still refuses to come to your defense, you might have need of it later,ya know what I mean??
Hope everything works out for you, one way or the other, you HAVE to protect yourself.
Let us know how you handle things.
As always, I'm
hangingin