I have mellowed quite a bit about being a step-mom
I used to let a lot of the drama with BM and skids in and now I am kind of distanced from it. A few years of dealing with it, a couple books, and this site, and things seem fairly in hand. I suppose it helps that I took an interest in DV adcocacy and took a job assistant a family lawyer. I now see the most horrific, horrendous examples of what can happen in a divorce on a regular basis. Interestingly, I don't really take my work home much, but it definitely gives me perspective on what is going on with my own situation.
Every now and then I still get annoyed though. Last week by husband let his ex vent at him for a long time on the phone. He just lets her vent until she's done. I feel like he should stand up to her, but I guess it's really his choice. She is currently livid because she got caught lying rather dramatically about the cost of daycare. A couple court dates later and she is now recieving less child support until she has paid back the money. She says my husband is being "vengeafull" I feel like saying, "Well, maybe you should try not lying and cheating and things might go a little more smoothly for you. DUH."
Apparently she went off, right down to my husband's attorney's weight and nose. She weighs well over 350 pounds so I don't know why she is criticizing anyone's weight. This is all just really petty. She has trained my stepdaughter to object to me riding in the car to drop off's, which I rarely do unless we are already on an outing.
I just think it's weird that it's been this many years and she STILL has not calmed down or come to her senses in the least. I mean, damn, it's been a while now. You would think she MIGHT move on just a little tiny bit. She ALWAYS offers to let my husband "just skip" his visitation whenever she wants to change the schedule around. I think my husband should say, "well if the visitation schedule is too much responsibility, we could look into changing parentage" Of course, I don't say that to my husband because I'm not really ready to actually be a full time SM to an already troubled seven year old. With both of us working it would be tough and BM would make it as hellish as she could. Still, I think she should consider the fact that she, as an adult, chose to make a child with this man, recieves financial support for this child, and at least has a BD who WANTS to be close to his child consistently. Again, I'm seeing the extremes in my job, so her lack of comprehension about how lucky she actually is hits me a little harder. There are plenty of Dad's who evade child support and could care less about visitation and those kids are the ones I really feel sorry for.
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Comments
Uh huh
It does tend to give you perspective doesn't it?
Kevin
I have often thought that myself
OK I'll be the first to say its all worth every moment and tolerating BM, but I know so many children and adults who never really had a dad off paper and it does seem to be a reoccuring thing where as much as their past relationship may leave both parents a little bitter theres only so much that can really be excused at all and in alot of my friends and even my DHs cases they have to claw their way to maintaining relationships that others simply walk away from.
As much as our BM gripes that we are horrid humans, we are there every visit for 9 years, every school function and always tried to be ammicable(not that it worked often) and since having custody we do not try to drag her through mud(she does that on her own unfortunately) or play games but she is still overly spiteful as always. The kids are worth the fight I just don't understand why it sems to end up in such struggle so often.
There is no reaon where logic does not exist
I sencond that
i second that, cause that is the way my life seems to be. However, I have 3 kids, and the BD is not involved. I do not say anything, I think my kids are better off, because he use to come and go, and now I just do not give him that option, I do not need my kids in an emotional wreck. Then I look at my husband who is a GREAT father, who drives 3 hours one way everyother weekend for visitation, and pays child support on time, and she can not find anything good, she can only complain!!!!
Like my skids' mom...
SOME PEOPLE ARE NOT HAPPY UNLESS THEY ARE MISERABLE. AND MAKING EVERYONE AROUND THEM MISERABLE.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
I just don't understand...
why BM's are like this to begin with. You hardly ever hear of BF's acting this territorial with SF's, not saying it doesn't happen, but how come the guys don't act like the BM's do?
Sasha
Hmph, sounds like our BM...
Like Susanna, I've distanced myself from it. It's not my ex, it's not my child, it's not my battle. And quite frankly I reached a point of being tired of being so resentful, not only of BM, but also DH.
I will give an example... my DH is SO upset that his custody changed and SD is now only here EOWe and EOWed during the school year. In other word 6 days a month. We did not know when her "school visitation" schedule would start up. I started asking DH in July to CONFIRM with BM the date it would it start. I know he hates to ASK KWIM? He kept telling me "should be this date" I kept saying "uh huh, I KNOW what YOU think, but I don't know about BM... please email her" He kept asking me about this date or that date when he wanted to know what OUR FREE schedule was. I kept telling him I DON'T KNOW, did you email BM? So long story short, we went round and round and I finally gave up. When? I don't know... *shrug* I really don't know...
THEN, I'm logged onto yahoo messenger and so is SD so I say HI and we chat a bit and I ask her if she's coming this weekend? That was LAST week... she says NO. Well, Wed then? NO. Hmm, so when ARE you coming? Friday the 7th. Ok great. Then she says "but my mom says I can come over for dinner one night next week IF my homework is done." I said "oh that's GREAT, I'll talk to your dad and see what day works for him"....
My point? He NEVER gave me a date, we are NOW in the week that BM OFFERED him to have SD for an evening... I read the IM back to him that night when he came in, I asked him if he'd like to have her over. He never said one way or the other.... this is the SAME man who throws a FIT that his custody changes and even throws it in MY face that *I* got what I wanted when his schedule changed... yet... it's NOT IMPORTANT enough to pick a night and make arrangements for her to come over? Am *I* supposed to do this FOR YOU??? I'm sorry but I'm not.
And that's just how I feel about it all the way around. Why should I bust my butt to figure out a way to get her here, date, times blah, blah, blah... when it's not important to him? It's again, not my ex, not my child, not my problem... MY kids are here, that is MY problem and I take care of it! *grin*
It is what it is...
There's a point where it just becomes cartoonish.
I see this at work and people just kind of rolls their eyes at Mom's like this. I'm starting to just kind of roll my eyes at BM. It's ridiculous. I think that eventually she may get her way and manage to poison SD against us, but someday SD will grow up and remember who -wasn't- doing the badmouthing. I think it may take a long long long time, but I think that eventually the kids will figure out who was playing fair and who was putting them in the middle. We do not badmouth any of the BM's in front of the kids.
As it is I think all this is taking a toll on SD. She is only seven and eats compulsively. She has trouble getting along with other children because at home the kids just do whatever they want. It just seems really petty to me that people are willing to hurt their own children for the sake of getting at an ex. I have no respect for this behavior. I mean really, mean people suck.
// Susanna
"One breath at a time is an acceptable plan."
Ani DiFranco