Part 9. The final evil installment. heh.
Now I will fill in some gaps, in list form, for all of you who have been kind enough to read this stuff so far.
It's been stated that the girl needs held. Indeed. We've done the therapist thing, and shrinks, and tests, some meds, etc.
What I haven't said here:
1. I have spoken with her dad a million times about utilizing the SD family's money to send her to an all girl's school that is meant for troubled teens. I looked into some that are more for emotional and mental instability, rather than a harsh boot camp. Therefore it would be a loving, supportive environment along with a stellar education.
HE SAID NO. He said this would only add to her feelings of abandonment...being "sent away".
2. I have asked him to send her to family. Either his in Florida, or mine in west Texas, just so the family would have some time to put things in perspective. I said it wouldn't have to be more than a couple of months.
HE SAID NO. See reason above.
3. We don't spank in our household. He is mega against that even though he was never hit growing up. I don't like it because I was hit too much growing up. But after dealing with some of these things that the SD has done, I RECONSIDERED. I asked if we could start using more "direct" method of punishment because it was obvious that grounding wasn't working. You know...just to TRY something different.
HE SAID NO.
4. Finally, about a year ago, I moved out with my sons and got an apartment. If he wouldn't or couldn't make a stand or seriously work with the girl instead of blaming me for making too much of it all the time, I couldn't live there. Nor could my kids because I was afraid of what affect it might have on them if I stayed anymore.
I thought this would open his eyes. But nothing has changed. She is the same.
Up until a month ago, I still saw her all the time. I watched her over much of the summer break. They eat dinner here at night. If he wanted to stay the night on a Friday, she stayed, too. All the while she "played hell".
Then, I had an epiphany. That's what happened a month ago. I don't, a light came on or something.
No matter how much I have wanted to help, or how desperate I have been to change this kid's future....I can't. It's not about love, it isn't about patience, it isn't about strength. I just had to admit that I couldn't do it anymore, and that was OK. I didn't have to feel bad about it. I just don't have that much power. MOSTLY BECAUSE I'D GIVEN IT ALL AWAY.
Now I am taking it back.
I have spoken with her dad about this. Hell, it was only last week that I admitted to him that I can't do this anymore. I told him that I understood that he has to divorce me because they are a package deal. I also said I understood that he might be angry, but that wasn't my fault and I refused to deal with any of it anymore.
He said he couldn't and wouldn't leave me. He said it wasn't my fault I'd been worn down. Then he said, "I should have acted sooner, before it got this far."
????
Where that leaves us, I don't know. I won't deal with her, and my sons want nothing to do with her. We are refusing to even see the SD anymore. But he claims that we can still work on "us".
I'd really like to know how that is supposed to happen. heh. I don't think he gets it, do you?
So every day I get up and check my email, hoping to hear from my agent to see if we've found a publisher for my books. Why? Because I have been a stay at home mom for so long, I can't even get hired as a waitress. Trust me, I've tried. I've put out about 30 applications and no one calls back.
When it finally hit my husband what I have said, he will be gone and my kids and I....I don't know.
But it will just have to work itself out. I'd rather be broke and free than have pocket money in prison.
Damnit, he just called and is on his way over so I have to close this. So HAHA you guys aren't quite rid of me yet, I guess. 
Guess there'll be another post after all.
Bye for now, folks. And thanks for all the support you've shown me.
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Comments
Okay, we've gone from abused
Okay, we've gone from abused child mode to stupid husband mode, and I can definitely relate to the stupid husband stuff! I'm an expert! My husband, right after me telling him that I was working on a plan for leaving him, asked me, "Can we still work on us?" Um, no, if I leave and we divorce, there IS NO US. Frustrating, isn't it?
So now I'm wondering where DO you go from here? She needs something you and he can't give her. It's long overdue now, but waiting any longer is only going to make it worse as she gets older. What's it going to take? What will prod him into action? If the thought of losing you doesn't do it, what will? Is she going to have to kill herself or someone else before he finally sees that something should've been done? This thing you guys are doing - staying married, but living apart and sort of dating - this is a temporary solution to a permanent problem. It's like trying to put a band-aid over a sucking chest wound. It isn't a long-term solution by any means.
I hesitate to use the word "selfish," but that almost seems to fit your husband. He won't let her go to get help, he won't let you go to be free of this craziness... maybe instead of - or along with - treatment for her, you get him to commit to couples therapy for the two of you so that maybe, just maybe, if he hears it from an unbiased third party, he'll finally be able to do right by both of you. I dunno. I hope you find peace. (And if you do, send some here.)
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
What a story
Even though I haven't commented thus far I have been following your saga. Reading what you have been through makes me grateful that my DH's kids are hundreds of miles away. If I were in your shoes, I would have been gone long ago.
But seriously now. This kid (and pardon my connotations) is nucking futz. She's a wingnut. She's a sociopath. She's a short walk to criminally insane. She's a cross between Fatal Attraction and The Exorcist. She needs some serious mental therapy. There is something physiologically and / or psychologically wrong with this child and no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to "fix" her. Her dad needs to read the writing on the wall. How in God's name can a child who does these things be anything but abnormal, and why doesn't daddy dearest see it?
If it were me I'd be gone. Outta there. And no going back. You still have a responsibility to your other kids to keep them safe, and as long as this girl is around they won't be. You won't be either.
Run Forrest, run!
misplacing judgement!
It seems that we need to look into father's role here too. The girl is a child, using whatever methods she can figure out to torment her Step Mom and father for things that took place in her life. To call her evil is adequate, but it is still PLACING BLAME on the person who is easier to blame (your SD) than the CONSENTING ADULT - your husband, honey, who plays a big role in this mess!
To summarize it in even fewer words: Your husband is a Whimp. She is the result of all the things OTHER ADULTS did to her, and things other adults DID NOT DO to her; like discipline, boundaries, proper parenting. You will never find out when and why things derailed, but your husband needs to become and EX, get him for child-support and RUN.
Yes and No.
I agree that I didn't put enough emphasis on my "D"H through my posts, and his lack of reaction or action in this series of events. But the only reason I didn't is because my posts would have gone on into eternity. haha!
No, seriously, very seriously, my issues with the SD are clean-cut and dry. There is a list of what she has done and how she reacted when confronted. That was simply an easier task. For me to go into her dad too much would have been a blog from hell that went from one emotion to another, tears to screams, and all the while I would have gone bald from the pulling of my hair. That's why I didn't emphasize so much on him. Not to say it's just the girl's fault, but because it was a more direct rant.
While many things in your reply are right on the money, I tend to disagree with the aspect of "proper parenting". The thing is, I've been helping to parent her since she was 5. I am pretty calm, cool, and collected for the most part. I set boundaries and limits and I rewarded good behavior and punished the bad. I know what her real mom did, and I know her dad is, at best, a wimp, but at some point I thought she'd benefit from having someone as solid and proactive as I am in her life. My sons from a previous marriage are well-rounded, well-read, respectful, and overflowing with self-confidence.
If I have been around her for most of her life, why has she not taken any of those positive attributes on? I think about this all the time. Nothing of what I have posted here has even nearly crossed my lips in front of her or around her. I have been careful, have tried to be fun while being a pillar, have been steady, have backed up my words with actions, and have loved her hard enough to break in half.
How is it that the real mom, who is gone, and the in laws, who aren't around her as much as me, more affective than I am?
How is her dad, who is too kicked back and very nearly unplugged completely, able to cause more harm than any attempts by me and many others to bring something good into her life?
Does that make sense?
But yeah, I am not really trying to lay blame on the kid. I am pointing out what has happened though, and every bit of it has been the truth. I don't blame her....but I have lived with her actions, choices, and every consequence of her thoughtlessness for over a decade. Maybe she isn't to "blame", but she certainly can be held accountable for what she chooses, and I can certainly see those choices for what they are: bad, bad, and bad.
And luckily, he and I never had any children, so it won't be a hard escape for my sons and I. lol.
I just want you and everyone else to know that I am really aware of her dad in all this, and he has choked a lot. Hell, I know I have even though I've had good intentions. His inaction and blindness have done a ton of harm. My allowing it has probably made it worse.
you have probably done best
you have probably done best of things for your SD and she will realize it one day. But (my mistake) proper parenting is not the only thing it takes. There is also heritage, trauma and confusion from all the things that happen to her. You did great and it is time to go.
Wow.
Empty Risks....how have you done this for so long? You are an angel in disguise and there must be a special place in heaven for you. I can't imagine how your life or the lives of your boys must have been over the last decade. I've been reading your story and have been on pins and needles the entire time. The only thing I can say is WOW. How have you managed to keep any sanity while constantly protecting not only your boys but yourself? I'm sure it's going to hurt you but I would have to say that you need to cut all ties with this man and his daughter. If you've been at this for 10 years and nothing has gotten any better it's a safe bet that it won't. I'm not the best person to give advice as I've had some pretty screwed up relationships myself however, at the very least you want your boys to continue to be well rounded boys and grow up to be well rounded men.
I can't imagine how you've made it this long. Kudos to you! I've worried about you and prayed for you. Good luck with whatever decision you make...I'm sure it will be the right one for you.
Abuse comes in many forms
Some of them are hard to recognize. From what I read, your DH is abusive in his passive way. If he were to change things, he might loose the cash from the ex in-laws. Making sure everything stays the same is his money ticket - and he wants you to comply! (Remember the borg - resistance is futile!). Fortunately - resistance is not futile, and it sounds like you are taking the right path!
I hear your wonder at not being able to make an impact on the young lady - being the stable role model in her life. Although my SD is not quite so off the deep end, I feel the same way sometimes. My SD has a biomom that truly amazes me in her level of selfish indulgence and disgusting personal habits. I think with your troubled SD, you might never actually be able to see the influence you have had on her life, but believe it to be - you have. Stand firm - she needs to be helped - and I think you are right about a live-in facility at this point. And to be able to be truly supportive, you and your DH would probably have to go to classes about how to handle her when she gets out. Otherwise, you would see a regression. Unless he can step up to that plate, you can't help anymore.
Take it easy on yourself - know your limits and be ok with them. It sounds to me like you are doing the right thing.
There's only so much you can do
Sometimes there are people who are so beyond "normal" that the only help for them is professional, and possibly pharmacutical. Reading your story has given me flashbacks to every abnormal psychology class I ever took. The girl sounds like she has no impulse control, compulsively lies, and has a skewed version of right and wrong, if she has one at all. These are all the classic hallmarks of some pretty serious mental disorders. I think you're doing the right thing. If your husband won't do what needs to be done to help his daughter and repair the damage she and his denial have done to your family then you need to remove yourself and your sons from this situation. She's dangerous.
I admire you for your patience and perseverence. Goodness knows I never would have lasted half so long. But I think you've got the right idea now. I'll keep you in my prayers and let us know how it goes!
Damage is done from 0-7
Do not blame yourself - the formative actions and years are 0-7. The damage was done then and is almost impossible to undo. You should not think you didn't succeed, your conscience should be clear that you did all that could reasonably have been expected, and way more beyond any 'duty'. The blame is squarely on bio-Dad and Mum. Both are in denial, that's why Mum has done a runner and Dad hasn't faced up to it. You are able to step back and see, and your action to leave is the only sensible choice. By all means date SD's Dad - but disengage from the SD and rest of them. Do not have her over, have HIM over on your terms, or not at all. All the best.