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I've been hiding feelings

Little Jo's picture

I've been ignoring my feelings. But I can't anymore, because it IS happening. F*$k all of you who think I'm over-reacting.

My only child is graduating high school this weekend. I was a single Mother for over 16 years. I watched over her, protected her, got a many of grey hairs over her, she was my baby, my job was to keep her bottom clean & dry, feed her, make her safe and make her laugh. Such an easy job when she was little.

Then came teaching her about friends & family, some you choose & some you are stuck with.

I find my-self not wanting to realize that she is leaving for college in 6 weeks.

How can I protect her. I don't want to lose her. I love her more than anything in the world.

I am a train wreck, I want to cry so bad, but when I do, I think, NO, you are proud, your kid made it.

But when do they really make it?

Comments

laughterandtears's picture

You are NOT over-reacting. I can only imagine how I will feel when it's time to let go of the only job I truly care about having. Here, I offer you my shoulder to cry on, my ear to talk in and my support.

How can you protect her? You will be protecting her everyday of her life by the things you taught her throughout her life. Your lessons will always be with her. She will always know that she can always come home.

Your not losing her, your giving her wings to fly. She knows you love her more than anything else in this world and it is your love that allows her to suceed in all that she does.

Little Jo, she made it the day she was held in the arms of such a loving, caring mother. Anything else is an added bonus in her life.

You should be proud, you made it through all those years, the ups and the downs, the good and the bad, you BOTH have made it!!!!

IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.

Cruella's picture

It is scary for you because this is a new phase in you and your childs life. I went through the same thing with mine when they grew up. They call it Empty Nest syndome. Both my children ended up to become honorable young men. Somehow they make it through. Here is the thing. You don't want to hang on too tight. They are proud of their new independece but you won't lose your child. My son is 24 and calls me all of the time. My other son is 29 and calls spratically but they don't forget me.

Mocha2001's picture

You are not over reacting at all. My mom was a single parent for 16 years too, and we both bawled like babies for the first year of college, every time I came home. The first semester of college, I made by boyfriend (at the same school/same home town) take me home every weekend because I missed my mommy so much. I can say it does get easier, but ... you'll always get choked up when she heads back to school ... hang in there ...

~ Katrina

Anne 8102's picture

No matter how old you get, Jo, you always need your mama. You've done a great job so far, but that's one job that never ends and she will always need you, just in different ways. I'm not close to my mother, but I am very close to my MIL, who has become sort of a surrogate mother and I can tell you that I can't imagine not having her to run to. It's very bittersweet, I know, watching your baby leave the nest. But like with everything else in life, the pain gradually will give way to acceptance and you'll both do great!

~ Anne ~

"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Little Jo's picture

Last night was the first time I really let my-self cry.
I have to go to work. I'll be back later. Thank you. Damb, I need you girls. Jo

Sebbie's picture

De inimico non loquaris sed cogities.
I am still going through this myself girl. My daughter will be 19 soon and she just left 8 weeks ago for college in a different state.Granted she is only a 4 hour drive, but it feels like a million miles away. She is not only my beautiful baby girl, but one of my dearest friends so it really does hurt. Some days are better than others, work and my son and DH keep me busy, but there are those days that I just want to see her smile, hear her laughing, go shopping with her or out to lunch. I am blessed that we are so close because we do talk to each other at least 3 times a week, usually about an hour long convo each time. There have been a couple times she has called crying and homesick, and that is when I have to climb into mother mode and push aside my selfishness, and tell her she will be ok, that she is doing what is best for her, getting her education and taking responsibility for herself. I tell her how proud I am of her, the woman she has become. Then I hang up and cry, wishing I could just say "come back home". Letting go is soooo hard for them and us, but when we know that we have raised them right, then all we can do is keep them in our thoughts, prayers and Gods hands. Btw, being a mother never ends, my own mother calls me every week about 3 times as well, wanting me to move back near her cause she misses me so much and her grandkids. We will always be mommy.

Little Jo's picture

I realize it's not the graduation it-self. I'm proud of her for that. It's the going away part. This is going to be rough for me. And you are all correct. I need to be strong for her. A few weeks ago she began seeing a therapist. I think that's a good idea. I'm sure she has her own set of feeling about this.

I sometimes feel bad about sharing my feelings with BF. Here I am carrying on about her success, meanwhile SD16 is a drop out & SD14 has failed 8th grade for the second time.

Thanks for sharing this with me.