You are right to ask for support from this group. I can understand your frustration. I agree that a 4 year old's tantrum should not be taken this seriously. I am sure that if he were to move in and DH had to discipline then he would want to live with BM, thats just what kids say when they are angry or upset. I believe that a child should have equil time with both parents (if they are sane)if possible and that he needs his BM as much as he needs DH. I hope the two anonymous posters did not scare you away from this site. I have found it to a great place for venting and I feel much less alone in this situation and judge myself less harshly knowing there are others with the same problems and feelings. Hang in there!

First, this is just my opinion. When you agreed to a commitment with your partner, you agreed not only to being his partner, but to being a stepmother to his son. If you had limitations on what you were willing to give as a stepparent, you should have made them known before entering into a commitment. When a stepchild is involved, there is always a possibility of them living with you. Hindsight though, right?....

That said, I don't think you are a bad person for feeling the way you do. I have to admit that I've had those feelings. I do love my stepchild, but there are times that I wish we had a *normal* family.

Since you and your partner did not discuss these things prior to entering into a commitment, you should do it now. Make sure each of you understand where the other is at in regard to all of the important matters (children, finances, etc.) Couseling can help you. It can help you to understand, to accept or not, and to make some hard choices. If your partner will agree, couples counseling could help. I really recommend it.

Good luck.

My DH dreams of the day that his boys 7 & 9 ask to live with us.I doubt the 9 y/o ever would as he is his mother's son, however the 7 year old is much more like DH & myself & I can see him asking for that someday. However, he is a child & shouldn't & doesn't get to make his own decisions and neither should your partner's son. ( Just for the record I am totally okay with either of the boys living here. We have them every day after school, so I am already doing homework & running them around & feeding them, so other than making them take a bath & going to bed it isn't a whole lot more to do. Plus I am pregnant with their baby brother and I want for them to have the same bond with him as they do with each other)

His mother ( and you said she was a good mother) had to have been heart broken to hear that and that is my I am sure she responded the way she did. I am sure she doesn't want to have her son come live with his dad either. Kids get whims, youngest ss had one last winter where he didn't want to come here after school because he was going to many places ( his mother is the one who drags him to BF house every weekend 2 hrs away. We tended to stay home more so they had down time in their own home, he was 6 & confused. He is also afraid to tell his mom stuff like this & tells us instead putting us in a difficult situation. At our home we have told them to share whatever they are feeling and we will talk about it. Not to be afraid of disappointing us)

It is one thing to have a child every other weekend, it is another to be the one who feeds & bathes & sends to school during the week. Your partner needs to think about can he do all that. We had the kids for a week recently and it wasn't a big deal, however we had to change our work schedules around because we work earlier and that is why we have them after school. But DH told me that he could not have taken care of them by himself the way WE did. He knows that their life changed for the better when I came along. The boys want to be here more because I am what makes this a comfortable home for all of us.

I am sure your partner feels bad that you feel this way, but it DOESN't make you a bad person. It is a lot to expect ( and this usually falls on the woman vs step dad's -no offense to the great step-dad's that are on here) to love someone else's child as your own.

I would try & find outwhat is going on with the child that is making him act out like this. Maybe there is something on his mind that he doesn't know how to express. Did he get more clingy to his dad when the new baby was born?

Hang in there!

I made life better for him & the boys. That his house turned into a home when he married me & I moved in.

How did his dad prepare him for the new baby? My 7 y/o ss started asking us to have a baby when we first started dating, so he was easier. 9 y/o was ok, but not thrilled when we first started talking about it. However as time went by & I got pregnant lst February & lost that baby, then he started wanting one. He knew how much I hurt and how sad I was about it. I think that is when he started wanting it too. Now he is really excitted. But we have told them repeatedly that it DOESN"t change how much we love them. We even included them in helping pick out a name. In two weeks they are going up to my parents for the baby shower. We gave them the option of having it on a weekend they were with mom & they want to go too. ( there will be cake so that may have influenced them)

Did your partner & does he talk about it with his son. 4 is such a tough age, my niece just turned 5 in November & she is a little pill still.

It sounds like by dad ignoring your son together when SS is around that he is reinforcing that baby brother isn't important.

We have even forbid the use of 1/2 brother with thye boys. Their BM knows this & will back this up. A brother is a brother no matter what.

I would be interested how your partner thinks he would manage as a single father.

You are completely entitled to your opinion and feelings, sas. Some people don't know the reality of blended families, and that's okay too, but they are NOT all sugar spice, that's for sure.

I think you're jumping ahead too quickly here. What happened with the drop-off was likely the result of a frustrated mother who was probably happy to see her son, only to have him cry for his Dad. You said that she's a good mom, so it just seems unlikely that this is the end of the story and you'll have a full-time SS.

Personally, I am uncomfortable when people tell me that I knew what I was getting into when I married STBX. I did NOT have ANY clue what hell my life would become. Yes, I knew he had a son, but I did NOT know that I would be put last constantly, or be excluded from the "family" when SS was at the house. I spent 2 years in court fighting for this child with STBX and I never got a "thanks" or an acknowledgement that BB's crazy antics were difficult for me to take. Many people in my life were sympathetic, but others gave me the "you knew..." line. It's damned frustrating to hear that.

Since you cannot go back to what you "could've" or "should've" said/done, look forward. Talk to your husband and figure out what is REALLY happening here. If you think SS is coming full-time, you need to find out if that's something you can handle, even with therapy. If you love your husband and want to try, I encourage you to seek help. If you don't feel that you want to be a ft mother to this child, then you are right to consider moving on. It's not fair to anyone to stay and be miserable. I don't see your husband's reaction as him choosing his older child over yours, just his refusal to turn away from his son if the truth is that BM doesn't want him. So don't feel second best....

Perhaps the problems also lie with the way you feel DH treats you when SS is around. if he WAS more attentive and kind, and made you feel loved while encouraging a relationship with his son, would you feel differently? Often, we confuse dislike of the adult behavior with dislike of the stepchild. Just something to consider.

I might be a hypocrite, but I will not get involved with another man who has kids despite the fact that I have one. I have been to hell and back and will not return. My situation is very different as DD's BF lives in the UK and pays support but only visits once or twice a year. I just don't want to deal with another person's drama again. You are always told, "Oh, the situation with my child(ren) and my ex is great" and then the shit hits the fan the second the man remarries or finds someone else. If I have to be on my own forever, I will. And OP, you can make a similar choice. You can leave, get CS, meet someone who doesn't have this baggage and be happy, or be happy on your own. You are not a quitter if you decide that this is not the life you want.

Hugs!
Krissy

edited to add that I just read about how you will be providing all of the day-to-day care for this child and that your partner doesn't want to quit his job...so basically, he is asking you to take on his son and doesn't want to have the daily responsibility of that? His life won't change at all...yet he is angry that you are not jumping up and down at the idea? If you decided to leave, he'd HAVE to figure somethign else out, or else he'd have to say "no" to BM. You have EVERY right to be upset and question this.

Everyone's covered it here, but I wanted to stress something I think is really important. You need to remember that he is only 4. This means that he is still entirely a product of the adults around him. Any problems you have with the way he behaves is a problem you have with his dad and BM, not with him. Remember to blame them, not him. It's easy to get caught up in what the kid does and to begin to built resentment. That resentment is very dangerous. Try and always make it about something DH needs to hear you out about, try his best to understand, and that you and he need to come to a conclusion/solution about. DH needs to take control of any inappropriate behavior that SS exhibits at your house. The more SS knows what to expect the better he'll behave. And the more he feels like a part of the house the better also. He needs to know that your house is just as much his as it is his brother's. That is very important.