I need some advice
This weekend has been emotional rollercoaster.
SS and his friend walked out his in school suspension on Friday. He wasn't found until 8:00 p.m. I was so scared and then so relieved!! It could have ended very badly. At first, I was just glad SS was unharmed.
His mom wants us to take him. SS is failing school and has behavior problems. She says she cannot handle him. BUT, she will not agree to give up custody. She says she wants this to be temporary. Dh and I told her that we will not do this without at least a temporary custody agreement. I have a lawyer in the family that would draw up an agreement, but we not put it through the court system until it was time to push for full, permanent custody. We want all the details spelled out. She would only be allowed to have visitation every other weekend. We will not ask for more cs than DH currently pays her even though she makes 3X the salary of Dh and I combined and Dh could get much more through court. We really don't care about the money, but we're hurting financially and cannot afford to do this without some help.
We're supposed to get together (the 3 of us) without SS to talk about all of this. Dh thinks she will not sign an agreement. I refuse to do this without an agreement. She could waltz in and take SS at any time. I will not have her controlling our lives. I know Dh and I could help SS, but not if she is allowed to interfere.
Btw, I'm not sure it's the whole reason SS ran away, but the night before he took off, BM told him she no longer wanted him. I know SS is really hurting.
SS is also not allowed to be with our younger 2 children without supervision. As I said, SS has behavior problems and could hurt his younger brothers.
I love my SS. I have terrible mixed feelings about this whole thing. I want to help SS. I want to make sure my other 2 are protected. I want to make sure DH is fully allowed control of SS (school choice, testing for learning disabilites, etc). I'm scared about SS's future and our family's future.
I sure could use some good advice.
- didddos's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
You have to get a legal agreement if this is going to work...
DH and I were "given" SD when she was 11 for exactly the same reasons - BM couldn't handle her and wanted us to "fix" things. However, SD called her mother and complained regularly about how "mean" we were and how much she missed her mom. After her second year with us, BM decided to take her back and there was nothing we could do about it because BM had legal custody. Don't put yourself in that position! BM will be able to take your SS away whenever she wants to do it.
Marika
Then what do we do?
If she won't sign a permanent custody agreement, what can we do? Yes, this kid has problems, but he's still just a kid and we care about him. Do we take the risk (if she'll sign a temporary document that we write up) or do we give up on him? It sucks, but those are our only two choices. If she will not sign even a temporarty agreement, we will not do this. We have to have *something*.
My hope is this:
She signs the agreement that goes through the end of next school year. SS is tested for disabilities. Regardless of the results, we are changing his school and getting him a tutor. Dh will not put up with SS's poor behavior. SS will actually have rewards and consequences for his choices. SS improves in school and in behavior. When the agreement is up, we go to court and fight for full, permanent custody and site abandonment.
I realize this is a dream. I have to hope.
The reality is this:
SS doesn't like our rules and tells his BM. BM finding herself in the role of favored parent, takes SS away. SS goes further down the path of self destruction.
Still, we have to try.
Does anyone know if a temporary agreement would hold up in court if necessary?
What about a mentor?
Sometimes when a kid has someone to look up to who has been through what they're going through and can offer them advice from that perspective, it helps them come to grips with the situation. I wonder if getting a mentor for your SS would help even more than counseling. Someone who could tell him that rules are there for a reason, he deserves to be loved and supported, etc.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Ask your Lawyer
Just an idea but you have a lawyer in the family? Maybe they can help with what to do or what your options are if she don't sign it- could you take her to court to prove unfit and the best interest for the child- or maybe medaition? What kind of woman tells their child they don't want them- that is utter bs no wonder that child is hurting and has anger issues- i believe if that childs needs help and they are not recieving it as in counseloring, etc that could be a type of child neglect- if i were you i would document everything- if you guys meet you should take a tape player ( little pocket one) nobody else needs to know - We have been keeping a journal on the ex she has no idea the tape player is used so that my husband gets all the information down in the book right- It has come in useful- Good luck
Unfortunately
The attorney in the family is a contract and employment attorney. She is not well versed in family law. She can write and review one hell of a contract, but cannot tell us what would happen in family court.
In our state, there is not even a presumption of joint custody. When a divorce occurs, if a mother wants sole physical custody, she will get it unless a father can PROVE her unfit. This would only prove that she has had another bad week. We have saved messages and a lot of evidence. We've been told by an attorney that it will not be enough... especialy if the child wants to be with his mom.
didddos, we were in the same boat
I don't know if a temp agreement would hold up, but I would think that having something in writing would help. We couldn't get BM to do that and both SDs ended up pregnant and dropped out of school. I know what you are going through.
God, our system sucks!
I'm sorry you're going through it too.
I think if a parent can tell a kid they don't want them, they should never be able to get them back.
She said WHAT?
I can't believe a parent would tell their child they didn't want them anymore. No wonder the kid has problems. I'm sure this has been stewing within him for a while, and now all of a sudden he has concrete proof by her coming out and saying it. That was probably the straw that broke the camel's back.
Isn't this the same child and mother that decided he wasn't coming to visitation with you anymore? I agree with everyone above, you really need something in writing stating you have custody and she has visitation. Also, BM in our situation tried to say "I don't think that the fact BF gets SS more should affect MY PAY." I'm not saying that your BM is all about the money, but ours is, so that might also be one she tries to pull on you if you're not careful and get things legally modified.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
$$ is her one true love
Custody = $$ and control
She doesn't want to part with either. She only wants to part with SS.
Yes, this is the same woman that wouldn't insist SS go with DH for visitation because SS was going to be grounded. She wants to be the beloved parent, the parent who collects the CS, and the parent without responsibility. I don't believe she gives a damn about the kid and I know he feels it. BUT, He loves and will protect his mom to the end. When she is acting crazy, SS makes excuses for her. It's how he learned to make excuses for himself.
We've got to get him out of there. I think the time has come.
Most attorneys offer a free legal consultation. Maybe we should try that?? I'll have to see if I can get a recommendation. I don't think we have a chance in Hell to get full custody - not in my state - not unless she hands it over.
Do you document throughly?
The way I'm looking at this is the best approach is through the court. If she doesn't want to sign, then there is little you can do, but go through the courts. But having the 'temp agreement' will show valid document towards BM not being able to care properly for her son. That's my view on this.
The tape recorder is a very dangerous thing to do, because if she is not made aware that the conversation is being taped, you could be in trouble. Second, she has the right to refuse to be taped and you have to giver her that right. You can not use that in court, in less it's like the voice mail message that everyone knows when you call and leave a message, you're being recorded. So, if you want to only have it for your own ears, then that's one thing, but to be able to use it in court, will look poorly. We went through this. We were able to video tape on public property, at a distance, while sitting in a separate car for my SS's exchanges because his BM was so out of control. We wanted to tape their exchanges, because she would verbally assault my DH all in ear shot of SS. DH would tell her, you're being taped. But she refused it, and we had to stop, so we whipped out the video camera, separate cars, public property, I had to remain in my car at all times to video tape her, oh it was an ordeal. There wasn't anything she could do about that. We couldn't necessarily use it in court either, but it totally helped to keep her calm. Each time, my motto was... "Smile. You're on candid camera."
So, if you approach the topic in a positive, calm manner, joke about it as if... cuz I have a poor memory, and I want to make sure we catch everything we agree on, etc, make light of it sort of way, maybe she'll be fine with the taping- and even give her a copy of it, so you each have the SAME copy. Make it appear that it's in the best interest of her and YOU.
There isn't anything wrong with you all coming together, talking and documenting your agreements. At the end of the meeting, each party should sign it and get a copy of it- remember you have to spin things like this in the best interest of the OTHER party... not your own. You have to get a little creative sometimes. The agreement will have a lot of weight and hold up in court on it's own, and show that you attempted to resolve the problem out of court first.
If she doesn't want to sign, then I say, she handles SS on her own. I would stick to your guns on this one. You laid out the requirements, expectations, etc, and you put the ball in her court. If she doesn't want to play, let her take her ball and go home.
Keep us posted.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Thanks Stepmom
I'm going to borrow your last line
We have a voicemail and an email from 2 separate instances in the past year where she's telling DH to take him.
In the state we're in, it's very difficult to get an order changing custody unless both parties agree. With the signed 'out of court' agreement, hopefully Dh could win custody in court too.
I'll try to put the 'in her favor' spin on it as much as possible.