Tough choices
It is hard enough to make decisions for bio-kids when you know you will alwys be there to help them to deal with the decisions you've made for them.
With stepkids, it's even harder.
DH and I have talked about trying for custody. We will have letters from the school supporting us and documentation of BM wanting to give him up to us and then recanting (3 times this year).
SS seems so happy lately. I can see the *old* kid in him. The one I've missed so much. He's back :*-)
DH and I both believe he would be better off if we had full custody - If DH had the ability to guide him, help him learn to be responsible without endangering his self esteem, and make decisions for him (learning disabilities assessment) --- all the things that weren't happening when SS was with BM this past school year.
BUT, I'm having second thoughts. I don't want to hurt SS or force him to go backward again. This ultimately affects him the most. He does love his mom. He should love his mom. Although he knows his mom is not what is best for him, he doesn't want to see her hurt or upset. I'm afraid of pushing him away again. She has the ability to make him change his mind and alienate his dad in order to get her approval. That would NOT be in his best interest. SS wants to live 50/50 with each parent. We've tried that and it also does not work well for SS.
DH and I have decided to wait until next week to do anything of a legal nature. DH will talk to the school again. Hopefully then, we'll have an epiphany and know what the right choice is.
How do you know what the right answer is?
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We're kind of in the same boat
Our situations are similar with the whole custody thing, even though the details are quite different. SD is 11 (12 in July), she's in 6th grade, a good student, bright, involved in extracurricular activities - on the surface you would think we had nothing to worry about with her. But her home life is --- difficult. BM is bipolar and unstable and totally dependent on her one and only child to BE HER ENTIRE LIFE - her confidant, her personal therapist, her friend, her entire support system. SD has a ton of pressure on herself to take care of Mommy before taking care of her own self. It's amazing that SD has turned out as well as she has. However, after several SUICIDE attempts and countless anxiety attacks and increasingly frequent violent fights with BM, we're realizing that SD is not thriving in this environment. It seems obvious that she should live with us, right? We can provide a stable, loving environment where she can be a KID, not Mommy's caretaker/therapist/PARENT. However, she loves her mom - like you said, she should! - and SD feels she can't desert her mom by coming to live with us. I liken it to trying to remove a tumor that has metasticized throughout the body. SD can't survive and thrive with this BM tumor sucking the lifeblood out of her, but if we take her out of that household, it just may kill her! We're damned if we do, damned if we don't.
So, it seems obvious on one hand that both our skids would thrive with their dads and they're on slippery downward slopes with their moms, but how the hell do we get them out of these bad situations without doing them irreparable harm? If you figure this out, please let me know - and I'll do the same!
Thanks Caitlin
You hit the nail on the head too. SS often says that he has to "take care of his mom" and that he is "all she has" and that "everyone else is mean to her". I consider that a kind of emotional abuse. Why should a child have to take care of their parent? Why would a parent put that kind of responsibility on a child?
I'm glad to have someone who understands. If I do ever figure this out, I'll let you know. Thanks for doing the same. I wish there was a guide book on how to do this without hurting SS.
I would even try talking to SS about it beforehand to prepare him, but I'm afraid he will take it as bashing his mom and feel he had to defend her.
There's no easy answer. This really sucks!
Our problem too
My ss says he wants to live with his dad & I but when it comes down to it he feels like if he does then something will happen to his mom. But what he fails to see is that all he is, is that card hanging over his fathers head. You know that, I have your child so you have to pay me CARD!!! He will actually kick and scream in front of her not to live here. But when he is with us that is all he talks about. He says please take me out of that house. So what do you do.
Emotional abuse? Absolutely!
My mom (a retired psychologist) calls it an "upside down family" when the child takes care of the parent like this. She has talked to SD about it and put the onus on her to put her family back "right side up" by setting boundaries with her mom and trying to understand that it's not her responsibility to take care of her and that she should NOT feel guilty to NOT take care of her because it's NOT HER JOB - Mommy is the adult, she is the child. Years of therapy and countless psychiatrists, therapists, case workers, etc telling her the same thing hasn't really helped. It's definitely a form of emotional abuse, no doubt about it.
One thing I thought of is that if and when you do pursue custody, you should present it to SS that you're asking the courts to make the decision because they will know what's best. Maybe that way, it won't be "dad is trying to take me away from mom", but rather "the courts are going to decide where it is best for me to live." I don't know if that helps at all, but I thought I'd put it out there.
I thought of that
That is the only way we could present it to him. He's getting older. At 13, his opinion is going to count. I'm afraid... plain and simple. I'm also afraid of BM's retribution if we don't win a custody suit. She could (and has) made life Hell for me, DH, and SS. I'm such a coward that I'm even contemplating not doing it. It makes matters worse that DH is the same type of coward.
We can't be so afraid of making a mistake that would hurt SS, that we refuse to act on getting him the help he needs. I know this. I need to repeat it to myself over and over.
Thanks for the info on emotional abuse. I think it is flung around so easily that it loses it's strength. In many cases, it's real. Is it enough to get him away from her? Is any of this? Fighting a losing battle will hurt SS incredibly!! I think we need to find out if we can win before we pursue it. In my state, it's very difficult for a BF to win custody unless the mother is proven unfit (and without physical abuse, that's hard to do).
I'm afraid too!
BM is capable of anything! She will lie, cheat, use and abuse to get her way. She has a long history of making life a living hell for all of us and a custody suit would REALLY get her started. I'm scared to death of what will happen! We're not cowards, didddos, we're self-preservationists! Please don't beat yourself up about being afraid of the repercussions, it's only natural.
It is equally difficult (damn near impossible) for a BF to win custody in my state too, in the absence of proven physical abuse. The thing we have going for us is that after SD's most recent suicide attempt (she tried to throw herself out her 4th floor apartment window) the psych clinic ordered Family Based Therapy, a 9-month in-home treatment plan. We're about half-way through and they're saying they don't see much hope for BM changing her ways and learning how to parent properly so they are leaning toward making a recommendation to the courts to change custody and their recommendation will carry a lot of weight apparently. Perhaps you could order a custody evaluation? It would serve the same purpose. Basically there is a formal investigation into both parents' parenting skills and then a recommendation to the courts by the evaluator, much like what we're doing. For more info, check out http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/guide.php
Ugh, it's just so awful. I hope for the best for you and your family!
I hope for the best for you too
I don't understand our family legal system. How can it take so long, and be so expensive, and still may not be in the child's best interest. It sounds blatantly obvious in your case! The time and money spent, and the on-going battle only hurts the child. It's so wrong!
I emailed an attorney in my state who will answer questions for free.
Basically, in my state we have to have an attorney to be taken seriously (starting at 5K), but we would have a good case based on:
1) the child has been integrated into our home with the other parent's consent; and
2) developmental endagerment of the child based on school performance
He also said that the letters from the school with have no bearing. We would need official affidavits from the school and they would need to appear as live witnesses in court. --- I'm sure we could get the affidavits, but live testimony seems more difficult (it's not as though they get paid their lost wages for taking the time in court).
So...
Do we put our house at risk (we are not in great financial shape)? Do we put SS's new found happiness at risk?
Do we look at the benefits for SS IF we win?
The odds are stacked against us
I don't get it either. The odds are certainly not in our favor, even though it is obvious that it is in the children's best interest to change custody in both our cases.
We're in financial straits ourselves, so it is going to be an enormous emotional struggle as well as a financial one. We just feel like we will do what we have to do and dig ourselves out of that hole when we can. You have to look at it AS IF you will win, otherwise I can't see how you can pursue it at all.