Haven't heard a word
We haven't heard a word from SS since DH told him he was grounded because of his grades and lying about having his homework done. BM intervened, called DH and told him SS didn't want to and wouldn't come for visitation. That was all a week ago. DH usually talks to SS everyday.
DH is hurting. He's not talking about it much with me, but I can see he is hurting. I told DH that he should call SS. He should let SS know that he's there for him and if SS wants to talk to him, he'll be around. Then he should tell SS that he will call him again in a couple of days and will always call. Keep it short, but let SS know he cares. SS may be on a bad road, but he is still just a kid. He needs to know his dad will always be there for him even when he's in trouble.
DH should also call the school and find out why SS was in ISS 2 days this week. DH won't do it. He says he can't do anything about it, so why bother calling. He says it is harder to know and have his hands tied and would rather be ignorant.
I'm so angry at BB! She is pushing SS to alienate his dad. She is not enforcing consequences to SS's behavior and grades, and so, IMO, is contributing to his downfall.
In two years, I'm imagining that SS will be dropped off on our front porch for DH and I to deal with. BB won't be able to handle him at all in 2 years. If things continue for SS the way they've been going, I won't allow it - not with 2 other little guys who are so impressionable.
I started seeing a counselor awhile back to help me deal with all this crap. He told me I needed to start a journal. To get my experiences, thoughts, and feelings down. I don't want a paper journal. I don't want DH to see it. This site has been filling the need. Thanks.
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Ok, first of all get the decree out!
Whether or not SS wants to come and visit or not, he is by law required to go see his dad. Until kids are 18 and if they are not made to go his mom can be held in contempt of court. I know this for a fact as I asked my lawyer about all of it. SO call the BM and tell her that if he is not there at the scheduled time per the decree, then you are filing contempt charges against her. Lets see her intervene then?
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
Contempt
We could. I've even downloaded and printed the contempt of court forms. This has been an issue before. DH won't do it - not so long as SS is choosing to not be with us. If he has to force SS to be with him, he'll have no relationship left to repair. Plus *I* don't want him there all pissy and unhappy. Such hard decisions to have to make for him.
BB has gone so far in the past, that she reserved hotel rooms at a fun place on DH's weekend. Of course SS would rather do that than be with us. We can't afford to do that!
Right now, he'd rather be with BB where he is free to run wild than be with us where he will be made accountable for his actions. He's 13. I can't hardly blame him. I would have been the same if I'd been allowed at that age.
I've been reading a lot about PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome). I think that is exactly what BB has been doing. Sure, right now SS likes her better. In 10 years, he'll be writing to DH (from jail) because of it.
He won't huh.
Don't think if this last for to long that she won't go for abandonment. He needs to take action before she does. What our men fail to realise is that these woman they are dealing with are not nice anymore. Shit even I can be a total bitch to my ex.. So take the steps before she does. Good luck honey..
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
Thanks Happy
Would an email from DH to BB work? Something telling her that he is not happy with her interfering on HIS weekends with SS and that he wants SS with him?
I hadn't thought of the abandonment angle. Now that you say it, I wouldn't put it past her!
Thanks for the heads up!
Yes maybe
All he has to do is simply write this:
Good Afternoon,
I was doing some research on my rights as a parent. There is one of two ways that we can go about my visitation with *bobby*. One you and I can act like adults and show each other respect and parent together and back each other as his parents. Or 2. I can have contempt charges brought against you for denying me my son. Whether or not *bobby* wants to come visit me or not he is not of age yet to make that decision. So I am asking you to support me in this matter and let me see my son. I hope you and him both know contempt charges is a last resort for me, but am willing to do whatever it takes to continue my relationship with my son.
thank you,
*richard*
that is what I would do...
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
Perfect!
I will email this to DH.
Thanks again!
No problem..
I have to tell you my ex, I am so angry at him right now its not even funny. He owes me now $3316.88 in back support and keeps lying saying he is going to pay up but does not. But I still would never eny visitation of our children. It only hurts them.
Happy
" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..
It does
That sucks about the back support. Are they garnishing his wages for it? It's such a shame because the dads who are in arrears and don't pay are the ones who give the rest of the dads a bum rap. You're right though. No matter what, it's still their father.
You know its kind of funny
I feel the exact same way as HAPPY, once again almost just like everyone else on here I am BM and SM, so I too not only have to send my bio kids off to Dad's we also receive kids. I do realize that as our kids get older they do develop great friendships, may even work jobs, or just want to do social gathering events, HOWEVER, NOT going to be with DAD is NOT an option. Somewhere down this road BM and BD messed up with GIVING their child this choice. It shouldn't be a choice. The parent who has the primary residence, needs to consider, HOW would they feel if their child while with the other parent decided THEY DIDN'T WANT TO COME BACK TO THEM ANYMORE? You know WE deal with that drama every time my step kids are here with us, BUT MY husband tells the kids, "That although he realizes they enjoy being here, and WE want them here, they are very lucky kids because they have 2 homes that have families that love them and want to spend time with them." So just like you all cannot just decide to keep the child (unless of child abuse and it's at that point that I am sure the police would be involved) BM and Child cannot just decide to NOT go and be with the other parent just because!
Dad allowing this is showing his son the wrong mentality. So what happens when DAD doesn't buy son a new car for graduation, will son NEVER SPEAK TO DAD AGAIN? What happens when DAD doesn't pay for son to have his own apartment in college, will son never visit DAD again? Come on, where does this end? Sometimes WE think we are doing what is best for our children so that we can be FRIENDS with them, why is that? Don't you and DAD do things daily that you may NOT want to such as, GO TO WORK, do assignments at work, maybe even do other people's work while at work that has nothing to with your job. We all have to do things that we don't want to, and as parents we are suppose to raise our children with readiness for the real world, and one of those is "In life you just might have to do something that you don't want to, and you will still do it."
I see more fault in Dad's acceptance of this action than son thinking he can do it.
"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)
AMEN!
Right on, girl! You said everything I wanted to say. Especially this line: I see more fault in Dad's acceptance of this action than son thinking he can do it.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Can you use this strategy?
Are children there beyond the age of 12 not allowed input about visiting parents and where they want to live? They have a choice here in Canada. As well, youth can be on their own at the age of 16 so the contempt thing may not work.
Forcing Son to Visit
I don't know about your state but in our state according to my DH's attorney (we have custody) if BM wants her son to visit but he refuses to go, and Schild is over 13 then we can't physically force him. She said she was working with a couple of other cases in which this happened. One father would come to see his son and he would lock himself in his room refusing to go with his father. The Attorney said that he can demand the child go with him he can't physically make him go. Nothing anyone can do and it is not contempt of court on the custodial parents part. We are facing this issue next summer. SS does not want to go around the world to see his mother. We told him that he will have to tell her himself in the form of a letter and a phone call. We don't want to be blamed for his not wanting to go. We encourage him to go however we will not force him.
I am sorry your DH child is acting that way. I hope you can get through to him other than going to court. I am finding court very ineffective and expensive.
In response to Stamina
Here in TEXAS, and more specifically North Texas, the courts will TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION a child after the age of 12 input on where they would like to reside primarily, HOWEVER, this is the big one in TEXAS, the child CANNOT JUST CHANGE THE ORDERS. If whomever, Primary residence parent or visitiation parent (I hate that word but this is for clarification purposes) have the child and they are over the age of 12 and that child decides, I don't want to go see him/or her or I don't want to live with him/or her, it doesn't just change. The parent who has the child has to petition the court on behalf of the child, hire a Guardian Ad Litem attorney, who will then be the counsel for the child, set a court date and here in North Texas that can take 3-6 months, then present the court this information, so that the judge can "Take it into consideration", ok well let's think on that one, what do you think will happen?
Can custody change, of course it can, but here as you can see it's not UP TO THE CHILD and it's just done. AND on visitation or non/return of a child if the parent does not abide by the law this is a punishable offense carrying up to 120 days in jail, and it doesn't matter how old the child is. If they are under 18, the parent who has the child BETTER drag them kicking and screaming to the other parents house, if the other parent is requesting their child.
Hope that answers the question for you.
"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)
I just don't know
DH and I just don't know what the best thing is to do. BB is no help as she just loves this. We could force SS to come to our house, but I think that would make things worse. He has behaviorial problems. He is finally seeing a counselor again. DH has been in contact with the counselor, but needs to talk to him about this. What we really need is family counseling. I'm afraid that if we push SS too hard, he will really blow (in front of my 6 and 3 year old) and that he won't trust his dad. I think this kid has seen too much that a kid should not see. I think the best thing is to keep in communication and let him know we'll be here for him, but not force it.
Other than forcing him, our hands are tied. Forcing him may cause him more problems. I really do believe that he is a kid on the edge. He's making some pretty bad choices. Whether we force him to be with us or not, with his grades and behavior, he is a ticking bomb. Sooner or later, if he continues, the court will step in. Up until now, they haven't been any help, buth have been extremely expensive. If we force him now, I think he will completely alienate DH. In the end, I don't think that's best for SS.
Is it wrong to put it in God's hands and then be there for SS to help him pick up the pieces?
RE:
By allowing SS and BM to push DH away, you're not putting it in God's hands. You're putting it in BM's hands. She is encouraging him to alienate his father. What do you think she says to him when DH doesn't come to pick him up? I could only imagine what that kid hears about how his dad didn't care to give up his visitation this time, just like last time, blah blah blah. They play a wicked game, these BM's. They tell you the kid doesn't want to come, then tell the kid that you don't want them. Is that the face that you want to present to SS?
Or would you rather show him, not just tell him, SHOW him that you guys love him and want to be with him? What's seriously so bad about him coming to your house? Does he NEVER enjoy himself at all when he's there? Is there nothing that can be done to get him to enjoy himself?
I don't think you should be looking at this as "forcing" him. I think you should look at is as exercising your rights as his parents. You have a right to be with him and show him that you love him. What's worse - dealing with the situation now and solving the problems so that he will enjoy being with you guys while still spending time with him, or not spending time with him, allowing him to develop even worse feelings for you and listening to what BM inevitably is saying about you which he has no chance to observe is wrong in your absence?
I know it's a very tough situation that you're in. I just hope you understand that choosing to engage in visitations even if SS says he doesn't want to is not always the wrong decision. I'm not saying that leaving him alone is wrong...just that you should really consider what you guys may be missing out on and allowing by not visiting with SS.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*