The comment about ending the call seems like a typical male resonse, just giving you the facts as he saw them. That he speaks to her for an hour a week about the kids AND you feel like they can't let go is the real problem. The judge in our custody case sent BB and DH to parenting counseling and the therapist asked that they talk once per week about SS just to catch up and get on the same page about things. Unfortunately, both are bitter and angry people so they usually argue and when they don't, it's kept short and sweet. So, I guess I don't really think the talking is bad, but obviously there are other reasons for you to believe that there is still an attachment.

I guess my question to you is this--you have been together for 6 years, right? Yet you sasy that you've never dealt with this before. Do you think that once you got married, everything sort of became amplified in your eyes? Maybe you feel more of a need to stake your claim as the wife now, not just the GF? How did you deal with it all before? Also, what is the custody situation?

krissy

Are the children 24 and 29?

but I'm uncertain if you are saying he talks only once a week - you say weekly, I wasn't sure if that means once a week, or weekly as in often? My BF talks to his ex a lot too, but his kids are younger. But they have appropriate conversations re: why we divorced, how would our kids be now if we hadn't got divorced. My therapist says this is inappropriate, why go there. It's over! And I have told him this. His ex will get mad at him and say she isn't gonig to call anymore, no more communication. that last about a week, and then she is back on the phone! I really really try not to get involved in this anymore. He knows how I feel. And yes, I don't think I have anycontrol over it, we aren't married! He asked me the other night, don't you and your ex ever discuss your past? I said NO! My daughter is 27, and his is only1 2 and 17, so big difference. I told him that all parenting books say to keep it business like, talk of kids only. I told him, if neither of you were involved with anyone (she lives with her BF), then you could talk about whatever you want to talk about, but if your involved, out of the respect of that person, you should just keep it to the kids, this is per my therapist.

I don't understand why it is bothering you now, after six years. Someone above questioned if it is because you are married now? I think in my case I might become more territorial (not sure that's the right word) once I was married. And as far as the phone calls at work, I would wonder about that, if they are always taking place then. My BF calls anytime, but yes often when he is at work. And I agree with someone above's post, the more you complain, they will then eventally hide the calls from you and not tell you because they don't want to go through the drama!

V

The children are 24 and 29, the parents chose to end there marriage a long time ago, and yes parents don't forget who they had there children with but seriously every week still. No I am living personally for the day when I don't have to talk to my ex, everyother week. Not even weekly, every other. I think you are right on about them not being able to cut the chord to each other but for cripes sakes the oldest kid is almost 30 years old. do they still wipe there asses for them too.. this is a discussion me and my husband have had in the past and he doesn't want to talk to his ex forever either. I mean there has to come a point when you have to say ok they are grown and I can finally talk to them about whatever it is.. My heavens, seriously. I am sure they are only talking about the children. But they are adults now. Let me ask you this, when your husband has a problem does he call his mommy and then she call his daddy to discuss things? I bet not.. its time for him to cut the chord.. Hmm could it be these kids are there ages and immature because there parents are this way.. YUCK its sick.. Get on with your lives..
Try to put your husband in your shoes..
I wonder if he would like it.. I bet not...
Happy

" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..

I think it's reasonable to expect the bio parents to talk once a week - AS NEEDED! - to discuss things like pick-ups and drop-offs for visitation, school problems, illnesses and other such stuff for the kids. But their kids are GROWN!!! And even if we were talking about small children, an hour or more once a week or more is way too much! These are not children, these are adults. I can see no reason for them talking once a week. Or even once a month. Maybe a handful of times a year if something important comes up, but jeez... this is overkill. Even if they really are only talking about the kids, what on earth could they be saying about these adult children?! Even if they ARE immature.

My husband only speaks to his ex about arranging visitation. Other things are handled via email as needed. And "as needed" for them usually means a handful of times a year. Otherwise, he deals directly with the kids, who are 11, 14 and 15. I totally get having regular contact when you have young children in common, but these two don't have young children in common anymore.

~ Anne ~

We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.

I am not happy at all that I never am within earshot of phone calls between DH and his ex. Why can't he call when he is at home?

If I am insecure than wouldn't it put me at ease to know he isn't trying to hide anything....Let's be honest...we all have woman's intuition. My hubby doesn't call from home because his ex has a habit of being chatty cathy...he is a people-pleaser/caretaker (except with me..For me he is stubborn and lets his pride win out...)and he knows I will get mad if he "counsels" her like he's her sounding board. YOU ARE DIVORCED - The conversation isn't only about the kids...and that's my suspicion.

This evening I just asked him to call ex when he gets home to discuss upcoming plans for their sons birthday. He's not happy because he feels controlled....But the truth is..I need to get a feel for the nature of the relationship he has with her at this point. I just don't think he's honest with me. I just wish he could accomodate my request until I feel more secure.

Do I trust that he's faithful, Yes...of course...But I hate feeling like he has a double life that I am not privvy to. That may be part of it. I don't know. I hate being a second wife.

We (DH & I) both have adult children by 1st marriages. I NEVER speak with my EX (see "poll question") and DH talks monthly to EX by default as she picks up SS or SD phone when DH calls. ???? I can't stand the small talk between the 2 of them...the kids are adults, they sure don't need their mama to speak for them. But what I find strange about your situation is the calls are only going on at his job. Sounds like "they" (DH & EX) have agreed on this arrangement. Wonder what his co-workers think about her when she calls & what do they think about your marriage as it pertains to the calls at work? My opinion is when a husband or wife turn "to someone or something else" besides their spouse, it is a problem. Be it EX, the TV, sports, a co-worker, etc. It is not jealousy speaking, but an observation. You may or may not have heard of the "office wife", the woman who your DH/BF confides in about problems, instead of you. It may start out as a casual comment but ultimately that's how relationships are formed. And if you think this doesn't happen, wake up, they all do it, especially when we are extra bitchy. I'm not saying it's our fault, but I found myself in similar situations with the "office husband" i.e. I tell him things I don't tell DH. So we are all guilty at times. But, back to your situation, I think it is highly suspicious that they only talk at work IF they are only talking about kids. I'm not saying he is cheating, I just think if the conversation was about the kids, why doesn't she call the house & why is he so defensive. It's like he is enjoying the conversation of 2 women and heaven's knows, we can't get DH to listen to us for more than 5 minutes, let alone an hour a week. I would thank the good Lord if my DH had an actual conversation with me for 1 hour a week!!! LOL

My DH only talks to his ex when he's either at work or outside on the cell phone. This has NEVER bothered me. In fact, I'm glad that I don't have to witness their exchanges. It isn't pretty! I don't have to hear her name, I don't have to be directly exposed to the ugliness. I know he started out doing this early in our marriage out of respect for me. He didn't want to bring any of that ugliness into our home. He wanted to keep it all separated and not have any of her venom poison our marriage. (t was a nice thought, but there's just no way to realistically do that... some of it is going to leak over into OUR life, no matter what we do to prevent it.) The caveat here is that I don't worry about his reason for doing this, because I know that he can't stand her. He avoids talking to her when possible, mostly because they simply can't be civil to one another. So for me, I'd rather he talk to her when I'm out of earshot. I know he'll tell me anything I need to know that comes out of any conversation, and I don't have anything to fear myself from them talking. I think it would be different if there were reason to suspect some kind of emotional entanglement or something like that, but if that's not the case, then I have no problem with him talking to her at work. I'm actually glad I don't have to bear witness to their ugliness.

~ Anne ~

We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.

I do agree, what we don't know won't hurt us, but on the other hand, if marymarga's DH & the EX began their little chats without marymarga's knowledge that is a problem to me. It's one thing to have the out of the home conversations & you both are aware of it, it another for DH & EX to have them without your knowledge or awareness. I'm just absolutely floored..what do they talk about for 1 hour, these kids are adults. My DH visits his adult kids without me b/c the EX is ALWAYS present. I made a conscious choice that I would not go with him b/c her continued presence drove me crazy. BUT, DH & I talked about it. My DH has pulled some good ones on me i.e. EX has come to visit with kids & I did not know it until she walked in MY house. So, the is a history behind my words (as there is for all of us). Regardless of where the phone calls are being made, I just think that honesty between spouses in paramount. We have enough crap we are dealing with that we don't need to compound it with conversations, visits, etc behind our backs. And the sheer perception that his coworkers must have of him talking to EX every week??? I just think that is strange. I've always been a firm believer that you leave your pesonal life at the door when you go to work.

As adults here, how many of us still need our parents to co parent us. I am only speaking of ones who come from a broken home.. I am from a broken home and am almost 32 years old, my dad is not in the picture and hasn't been since I was about 6 yrs old. I think I am fine, I have never been to jail and I don't drink and drive or anything like that. I am a good person, but I can tell you certainly even if my father was still in the picture, I feel and its my belief that a child over 21 does not need mommy and daddy talking anymore. Its about becoming an adult and being able to make decisions without parents and trying to stand on your own two feet. Yes I am in this current situation, and it pisses me off, my husband knows this and limits his calls to her and as a matter of fact I had to call her on friday. Now one thing I will say here is maybe if the ex's would treat us with respect and treat us SM right we would not have any issues with them talking to our husbands. Another thing is that when a man and woman get divorced its not normal to continue on and be "best friends" for the kids sake is just really putting false hope into there childs head. Further more if you have to speak when your children are grown, only at work and for hours at a time what are you truly showing your wife? That you do not value her, respect her, letting her know how special she is to you and that you value your marriage and put it where it needs to be. I am not saying anyone is wrong, I mean in my opinion.
But I think that cutting the cord for all involved is a better way to handle things.
But its just my opinion..

Happy

" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..