hmmm I know how you feel
Stay strong, go and be happy!

Even though the words I read are angry and hateful, I think mostly you are fearful of how this young girl is going to turn out. And fearful that not matter what you do, you will be minimized and villianized by your BH.

That would cause anyone to be frustrated and express all the anger that's surfacing.

Ask yourself what do you really want for this child? Because no matter how much of a brat she is, she is still only 10.5 and not emotionally mature enough to deal with what's going on inside her. She needs guidance. Does she know you're available for her?

She's acting out; she's taking advantage of DH's lack of discipline; she's being a normal child without boundaries. Keep that perspective and take it out on the DH, not on a 10.5 year old girl.

Is there anyway that the 3 of you can sit down and you can share with them what you are feeling? You sound articulate, can you get some emotional distance to the situation and tell them how this is effecting you? DH needs to know what you foresee and if that's what he wants for his child, then he needs to know he's wrong, wrong, wrong and being lazy.

Parenting is hard work and he's not being the adult and accepting that his job is to be the bow to her arrow...and he has to make the arrow strong and straight. You are so right about what you need to do because you've been there! How can he not see that? He should run to you and say, "hey, this is too hard for me, so rather than abandon my child because I'm too scared to be a father, I give you complete control over the rearing of my daughter." And then he should shower you with praise and adoration for the rest of your natural lives, providing he lives much longer (just kidding).

Seriously, based on my experience, it's time to get indifferent for a while and have serious discussions about what the 3 of you want for her future. Maybe you've done this, and it seemed like hitting your head against the wall, only to end up with brain injury and no results, so forgive me if I'm spewing the obvious.

Regardless, I'm glad we're here for you to vent safe and sound.

I am new to the board but I too sense that you are very angry at this child and while her behavior IS frustrating, she only knows what she is taught and she is not absorbing what you are trying to teach. She needs to get it from her father, and he is failing her. Moreso, he is failing YOU. Imagine this--SD is acting crappy as usual, but DH is someone else. He's kind, loving, attentive to she AND to you, he's understanding and compassionate and selfless. Imagine that you are a team and that he is supportive of your role. Do you think that you would still have as much anger as you do?

My point is that while SD is definitely old enough to know better, she DOESN'T know better for some reason, and her father must be the catalyst in making positive change. Since he is NOT doing that, and since it seems like YOU are the only one around dealing with this, you take the brunt of everything. This is about HIM. And it seems like he knows it. I guess I would suggest therapy, and if that doesn't work...I'd ask if you think you can be happier on your own. I get that the child needs guidance, but she doesn't respond to yours and if after therapy it's STILL not happening, you cannot continue to be their victim. You cannot suffer when your "partner" is so flippant about it all. You deserve happiness too. I have no other advice but I am glad that you have this place to come to so you can vent away when you need it:)

I am a new here, but I truly know what you are talking about (sorry to say). I have only been married for 5 and a half years and it is hard as ever to not llose your mind!!! I have 4 step-sons. And I am almost certain that I have been called every name there is and been told to go places that are not even possible!!!! Just try and remain calm. Wait until you have been told to go to hell in my own home and a few other choice names and my husband took up for the kids. I was told if I didn't like it to leave. I was taking up for my husband when it all started and some how turned out to be the bad person. Life is hard being a SM and just keeps getting harder. The ex wife does her best to make my life hell and i truly felel like I have earned a gold medal by now.

Yes i do realize marrying a man with 4 kids is not very bright when you are getting married for the 1st time in your life and you are 32 years old!!!

You are so right, keeping this anger bottled up is going to wreak havoc on you emotional and physically, so please come here to vent.

Kids can be major brats, especially if there are no rules. My ss is a major manipulator, and a pathelogical liar, which equals no fun to be around. He is very toxic, and with his mother contantly dropping the ball on discipline and consistency, there is no winning in setting boundaries with this kid. I feel it isn't my ss's fault that he behaves the way that he does, but it isn't any easier being around him knowing that.

I think part of what you are feeling is being undervalued by your dh. Your marriage is his #1 priority, then his children. Right now, he is placing his first child higher than his marriage to you, and he expects you to sit back and accept that. You have every right to stand up for your #1 spot, no one will accept being #2 or #3 as a wife. Children depend on their parents to make their marriage work b/c your marriage is their security.

Keep your counseling going, and maybe your dh will eventually go too. I hope things can get onto smooth ground for you guys, it's no fun fighting.

Hugs,
Candice

Does your dh have custody? He's in the military and gone a lot, right? I'm just trying to clarify so I don't say something stupid... though I might anyway I'm going on these assumptions.

I haven't been around here very long, but it sounds to me like your relationship with your dh has ended up having more to do with SD than with your dh. It sounds as though he's pawned off his parental responsibility onto you. It's a tough place to be. You could put it ALL back on him and refuse to take the responsibility. You could walk. You could work a miracle and get dh to partenr with you on parenting SD. You could stay and deal with things as they are.

As angry as you are (and are justified in being so, imho), you obviously care a lot about that girl. It sucks to have to shoulder the responsibility when you can't do anything about the bad behavior and are treated badly. Yet you keep trying. Why? Is it for dh? I'm guessing it's for SD.

Some day, when SD is grown and on her own, she owes you a thank you. She's LUCKY to have you stick with it.

Hey, my hat is off to you. I observed similar behavior when my SD was visiting my then BF/now DH. (we were dating, not living together) She was young & as I look back on it viewed me as a threat. I think your SD's explanation of chores & how & when they are done is a way of trying to re-connect with her father. And for him to undermine you, what a Bas****!!! If he would just shake his head & say "good job", it would diffuse so much, but then you know that...I agree, SK are a handful, but their DADS can be worse b/c WE choose to marry them!! Whose the crazy one now!?!?!?!?