So I have been thinking about my situation and just trying to take it day by day. One of the worst things that I can do, particularly with major life decisions, is make hasty choices. I have a lot to consider and a lot to think about. And in doing so, one thing that has dawned on me for sure is that this situation, my blended family situation and my marriage is just not working for me.

I have done a lot of soul searching and thinking about "where I am at" in relation to what is going on around me and what is going on in my life. And one thing that I have discovered is that I am no longer "in love" with DH. I am not sure exactly when that changed for me but it's occured to me that it was several years ago at least. In fact, as it stands right now, I can't even honestly say, that I even like him as a person or a friend.

At some point, I don't feel that it's selfish, to ask myself "What am I getting out of the marriage? What is in this for me?" And my definate answer is NOTHING. This situation is not meeting any of my wants or needs on any level. It brings no rewards, enjoyment, or happiness to my life..In fact it seems all it brings is hurt, feelings of betrayal, frustration, disappointment and yes, anger.

Even sex is unenjoyable for me and is FOR HIM. To me, it feels like just one more need of his that I am expected to fulfill. Just one more choire on my list to perform for some one else. I DREAD "it"..And I do mean DREAD IT. I stall on going to bed just hoping he has fallen asleep so I can avoid "it" for one more day. That's not like me at all..At least not like the person I USED to be. I mean the guy knows what he is doing in the bedroom and physically I have no complaints. But it just is not mentally or emotionally enjoyable for me AT ALL.

I feel like I have aged 25 years in the past six and a half and I feel like a shell of the human being I was before I met and married my DH. It's hard to describe but I just feel like DH and the Stepbrat have "drained" the life out of me and that they have drained anything "good" from my life and replaced it with just YUK. (Now I think I understand what my councelor meant when she said that DH and his Daughter are "emotional/energy vampires".)

For the past six and a half years I have felt like I was living someone elses life. For years I have tried to put that feeling to the back of my mind or just chalk it up to adjusting to life changes ect. Looking back from the beginning of this "relationship" it seems that from the beginning DH tried to replace anything in my life that was not about him and his daughter and restructure my life so that it revolved around them. And I feel like somehow he managed to do just that. It's my fault because I let him but at times he was so insideous that I didn't even realize what was happening.

I have always felt, from the beginning, that if any situation was NOT about him or his daughter or didn't concern him and his daughter then it was treated by him as if it was "not important" or certianly not "as important as" any issues that pertained to him and his daughter. If it was an issue that pertained to myself or one of my girls, whatever it may be, it was expected to be tossed in the back seat while anything having to do with his daughter was expected to ride shot gun, at all times.

My daughter could be struggling over issues going on with her wacked out father or whatever it may be, DH would be aware of them, and yet still expect his daughter and her issues and struggles to be the household primary concern and "focus".And it seems and has always seemed that the more emotional investment or energy I extend to him and his daughter, it's still not enough, they just want more. They are two of the most needie people I have ever come across and it seems that their "need" well has no bottom. Yet, neither of them seem to think or much care or even consider that those around them have wants and needs themselves.

It seems that my ability to meet my own "needs" and those of my own children isn't available because it has already been sucked out of me by these two "vampires". And it seems my ability to "feel" anymore then just anger has been sucked right out of me. The sucked me dry to the point that I havn't been able to be there for my own kids or for myself.

I am exhausted..Exhausted mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically at times. And one thing I know for sure is that I AM SICK AND TIRED OF FEELING SICK AND TIRED. I am tired of feeling depressed, irritated, frustrated, overwhelmed, unapprieciated, used, taken for granted, and angry. I don't want to wake up with the alarm anymore and have the first thought that enters my brain be "another pointless day" or "just another day of my life that I am wasting on this mess".

That isn't how I used to be. I USED to be a very upbeat, happy, and positive person. I used to have many friends, a social life, varied interests. I USED to laugh a lot, smile a lot, and enjoy my life. I USED to have a home that was a "haven" and the energy in it was welcoming, relaxing, and peaceful. The "home" I live in with DH AND SD doesn't even feel like my home because it's so filled with tension and yukkie energy.

Hell, even plants feel it and die left and right in my house with DH AND SD. Before DH and SD moved into my home I had a house filled with beautiful and flourishing plants. For the past six and a half years, I have bought plants and they either don't grow or they die. My mom (another plant lover with a green thumb) even noticed it and pointed it out. I feel like they both have done to me what has happened to the house plants, I have failed to thrive in this environment and parts of me have withered up and died.

As I have sit back and just been observing and evaluating my situation and my life several things that taken place that have been on going issues. Several things that happened that I have processed with in myself and not said anything to DH about. Why? Because I am tired of arguing with him and I am tired of trying to control the situation and to FORCE HIM to be a parent..It simply isn't my job or position to FORCE HIM to be a responsible adult or parent.

It's occured to me that most of our arguements are about me wanting him to act like a responsible grown up and a responsible parent. I mean we argue about JUST BASCI STUFF.. I am tired of arguing with him over things, that it's occured to me, should just be "a given" and shouldn't have to be argued over or pointed out to a full grown man..

Such as, it shouldn't have to be pointed out to him that 10 minutes in her room and then spending the rest of the evening watching TV and playing her nintendo DS is not an adequate consequence to "forgetting" your homework at at school. That's not adequate consequences for a child that rarly "forgets" their home work and gets straight A's in school. Let alone a child who has brought home three report cards this year that are all F's and has used the "I forgot my homework" excuse 100 times.

So I asked myself what I would have done in the situation..What I would have done is plunked her at the dinning room table, given her four sheets of paper,a pencil and told her I wanted a four page essay on the importance of home work and not forgetting it at school. After she was done with that she would have been sent to her room for the evening and NO ELECTRONICS AT ALL for AT LEAST the rest of the evening. In my opinion, that should be a "GIVEN" not something that I should have to argue with him over.

And you know what? When he gave her 10 minutes and let her right back down into the living room to "FILL UP" on tv and her ninetendo DS last night. It didn't make me angry, it didn't disappointment me, in fact I felt NOTHING about it..It didn't affect or phase me. Normally, it would have pissed me off and I would have said something about it. But it occured to me last night that to say anything would just be a waste of my time and not saying anything is just one more arugement that I can avoid having with DH over the same old thing we have argued about for the past six and a half years AND HAS NEVER CHANGED A THING.

So I guess that a part of me has just reached a point where I am "indifferent"..Perhaps I have just beat my head against two brick walls for so long that I finally figured out the end result was that it just made my head hurt and didn't change the situation anyway. I was only hurting myself by doing it. To say anything or attempt to do anything about his parenting and his daughters attitude and behavior is just totally POINTLESS..In fact, my being here under the same roof with them feels POINTLESS..

I can't FORCE him to stop FAILING HIS DAUGHTER and fighting and bucking anyone who tries to help her or reel her in. However, I can stop FAILING MYSELF by trying to do the same old thing over and over when it doesn't work..

There is a saying ..."Insantiy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome." So I guess this means I am gaining my sanity back..I am honestly too the point that I don't care whether she passes or fails in school.. I don't care that he behavior is shit or that her attitude is shit. I don't care that she is "falling through the cracks" anymore..Because they are not my "cracks" to fill.

I can only focus on doing what is right and fair for myself and MY OWN children. Because no matter how hard I try with the SB..NOTHING is ever going to change as long as her father isn't willing to change..