Just read some of Daughter's Diary, not happy
I may look nosey, but I respect her privacy for the most part. I was just putting some laundry away and her dairy was laying open on her bed. It expressed her 'love' of getting high with her one friends and also with my neice. Being a single Mother for so long I have talked with her about drugs, sex and drinking and told her of my experiences. I can not throw stones.
My Daughter is 17 and a half, leaving for college in Sept, her grades are very good, I know she has not been sexually active. She has had a job for the last 9 months. She is basically a good kid. But I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm scared she is liking it too much. I know she has gotten high a few times and we've talked about it. She has assured me she does not do it often and it's not a problem, but after reading this, I think it's a problem.
I'm not sure how to appoach this. Let alone how to appoach it without her knowing I read her diary. She talked in the diary about her friend's birthday party this weekend and their plans to drink and get high. Part of me feels like letting her go to the party and then calling the police.
What do you think?
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Under 18
I know in my State, the consiquences normally lie in the hands of the parents... just be careful with that. I have not come across this issue, in my personal life and my kids are too young to have dealt with it with them. I wish I had some wise words for you, but I am nieve to this. Interested in hearing what others have to say though... I am sure at least 1 of my 3 will experiament with drugs at some point. Good luck to you, whatever route you take.
Thank you and yes.
It would end you get the Mother in trouble. And I don't know if that's fair, but then again the Mother knows her daughter smokes in her home. And the same thing goes for my Brother, he has always had a looser idea of the pot smoking. He knew when his oldest Daughter was doing in the home and just joking would tell her to use a fan or something. I've told my brother before I believed his second oldest was doing it at 15, he didn't believe me. Now she is 17 and doing with my Daughter at their house.
Damb it, I know it's something they will try and do from time to time. But I don't want to see her turn into a freaken pot head.
You say "Drugs kill. Period.
You say "Drugs kill. Period. Experimentation is one thing..." So which is it?
In fact, drugs do not kill automatically. There are plenty of people who get along just fine using drugs, you just don't know about them because it's all under the table.
Even so, some drugs are more dangerous than others. The LD50, lethal dose for 50%, for alcohol is just about equal to a fifth of hard liquor in one hour. That's difficult but not impossible to do. LD50 for heroin is 1 or 2 grams, pretty easy to take that much and die. LD50 for meth is even less, 0.5 grams. But the LD50 for marijuana is so large it's impossible to achieve.
If you talk to your children calmly and TRUTHFULLY about drugs, you'll make a lot more headway than you will by trying to spread hysteria and false information.
Be Honest
tell her that you were putting the laundry away and came across it, discuss it with her, tell her again of your fears. I bet if your daughter put away your laundry and saw your diary on the bed open with the words got high last night she would have a look. I have found my adult children 17 and upwards like to share things. Especially since most of us in this age bracket have tried most of the things kids are still trying these days. It may get you in trouble a bit, or it may not.
Better this than the trouble she could get into at some stage.
Good luck
Be Fearless
I agree with Fearless. You saw the diary, you read the diary. You can't take that back and it's your responsibility to talk to her. This will not be fun - she's going to get mad and defensive, she'll accuse you of invading her privacy. Hold your ground Little Jo - you have to take care of the kid whether she wants you to or not. Glynne
I will NEVER understand
Parents ALLOWING this behavior. Like it is the norm. BM smokes A LOT of pot. Well, DH found the polar opposite in me, as I have never even SEEN pot, or anything else for that matter. Anyways, BM's mother...now in her late 50's- STILL smokes it and does so WITH BM and while SS is home (urrggg!). It is NOT okay, it is STILL AGAINST THE LAW, and NOT everyone does it.
Have you seen those commercials that show the teenagers sitting on the couch all FLAT or the one of the girl standing next to her bed, looking like she was squahed by an anvil...? they talk about how they just sit around and do NOTHING when they are high... I can't imagine that being an inticing thing to do. Okay, yeah, I am nieve. Well, that is EXACTLY how BM acts when she is doing this on a regular basis. That is why she didn't work for more than 6 months. We would drop SS off at 5 pm on a Saturday and she is in her PJ's sleeping on the couch... what a fun filled life.
Please nip this in the bud, before it gets out of hand. You owe it to her to be an active parent, even if it means she hates you for a minute. She will thank you later.
I don't know what to do, Jo.
I just know that you shouldn't do NOTHING.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
You would think she would learn
This isn't the first time I when in her room and saw something I didn't like. 2 months ago I when in there and found a bottle of Arizona Tea. I opened it and it was pure scotch. When she got home from school that day and had her after noon snack, I 'offered' her something to drink. She shit her pants and explained she never drank any of it, her friend ( the same fore mentioned friend ) gave it to her for New Years Eve.
I have expressed my feelings about this Fucken Friend over and over again. My Daughter defends her friend."But you can't stop us from seeing each other, we've been best friends from 6th grade. Guess what, I didn't like this kid then either.
God, I hate this. I'm not perfect, I know that!!!! As an adult I know there is a line. I have warned her about that line.
Fearless, my Daughter knows I smoke pot when I was her age. You want me to be honest, fine, I still do from time to time. I love having wine with a special dinner, I'm Italian, we like wine. And I'm a Coors light girl all the way. But my Daughter also knows that pot can lead to lot of worse things. Things I never touched and have zero tolerence for.
Now comes the guilt. Is this my fault???
P.S.
Please don't get me wrong. I don't what you to think I'm this drunken pot smoking slouch. My Daughter knows alcoholic's run in the family. 3 of her 4 Grandparents were. Not just aliittle wine or beer. NO, they all hit the hard stuff and it killed all 3 of them. I have always try to be honest about this subject.
Just b/c you like
to smoke out once in a while doesn't qualify you as a major pot head!! You are being really hard on yourself right now.
The difference between your daughter smoking pot and you is the fact that you have the maturity to know when not to smoke. You have priorities. You like to indulge once in a while, but you know you can't do it all the time. Your daughter on the other hand doesn't have the maturity to do this yet, hence she will smoke and lose motivation for accomplishing goals, and she won't know how to prioritize homework before pot. You have every right to be concerned, and you shouldn't feel guilty either.
Another point that I want to make is that no matter how we role model for our kids, they are their own people. They are going to be who they want to be regardless of what we want. You role model the lifestyle you want, and hope and pray it sinks in. You could be a perfect parent (not that there is such a thing) and still end up with shit heads.
I would like to encourage you to not be so hard on yourself, and confront your daughter about what you read. She is a minor, not an adult and she isn't entitled to adult privieldges while living under your roof.
Good luck Little Jo,
Candice
Funny you should say that.
In reading this BS. That's what the for mentioned friend refer's to pot. As 'God'. I almost went blind reading this shit. But I will say, my Daughter expressed concern for my niece that she IS turning into a pot head. These kids can be so stupid.
I'ld like to put the fear of God in her the old fashion way, with an ass kicking.
Fearless, Thank you for not hanging me out to dry. What I admitted here was not so easy.
No NO NO....
I personally could never know something like that and not educate or futher discuss it with my daugher. Shes 12 now...and whether she likes it or not, until she moves out....I am allowed to check out everything in this house and that includes her diary and standing over her shoulder over her instant messages. It's my job as a parent to make sure she doesn't put drugs in her body as long as I can prevent it. did I try pot when I was in junior high, Yes. Threw Up. Did I buy strawberry boonesfarm wine because I looked 20 instead of 16, Yes? But I always also had the fear of God in me that my parents instilled and i knew if they found out...I'd be grounded for LIFE.
I don't know if you know but my stepdaughter (20) is in jail. Started with pot and then pills and now, a full blown drug addict, who wound up homeless and burgalarizing neighbors, probably prostituting to get her fixes..etc. Very very heartbreaking.
I am sure you are doing the best you can...like we all are...just don't even think twice about confronting her. You could be intervening at a crucial time. My DH tried to intervene too late...They never even realized she was doing drugs. You're fortunate that you found out. Good luck my friend.
We are ALL Adults Here
We are all entitled to WHATEVER extra cirricular acctivities we choose. I don't know that anyone here will look down their nose at you for the glass of wine with dinner, or occassional pot usage. But WE also all have the maturity level to know WHEN TO DO IT because we are ADULTS, and when not to. Because I have NOT partakin in such events, I was raised with my mom looking over my shoulder. We all know that sitting around doing this all day rather than looking for a job, is wrong... and that is what you need to get across to your daughter. I will say that I have a Vodka Tonic EVERY SINGLE Tuesday and Saturday sometime 2 or 3 of them, to wind down while the kids are at their other parents. There is a difference between allowing your kids to be kids and have experiences of their own, and ALLOWING the behavior in your home. They are kids, they will do it no matter what we tell them... but to sit back and allow it, is a whole other story. Sounds like your daughter knows the difference if she is worried about her cousin. Sit down and talk to her... what the worst that can happen? She will be "mad at you"? She'll get over it. Now is the time to step in... and take care of business!
Oh I am....
definately going to confront her. I just need the the way to go about it. I don't want it to backfire. As I stated. I have never like this kid she says is her best friend. This will not be my first confrontation about this. When I found out about the alcohol this kid gave to my Daughter, I grounded them from seeing each other out of school for a month and a half.
There was a screaming match here several weeks ago when she wanted to go to her house for an overnight after the grounding.
I felt so unarmed. She talked to me like I was the kid. Reminding me how good she is doing in school. She works, all this justification. All this talk about trust. And how I need to trust her.
Now, I'm getting more and more mad about this.
Odd woman out...
I'm probably going to be in the minority on this one, but in the back of my head I keep hearing two things... SHE'S ALMOST EIGHTEEN and REMEMBER WHAT YOU WERE DOING AT THAT AGE?
She's not a legal adult yet, but she's not exactly a kid anymore, either... she's 17 1/2, gets good grades, has a job and seems pretty responsible. She's going to experiment. Most of us did at this age, if not with drugs, then with alcohol and/or sex. But I think you have to look back on the job you did raising her and ask yourself is she trustworthy? Is she respectful, most of the time? Does she have a good head on her shoulders? Can she take care of herself? Is she basically a good kid, rather than a troublemaker?
If she were getting bad grades, not working, exhibiting extreme behaviors, etc., then I think you would have much more to worry about than you do right now. She seems like a pretty smart kid. (Except for leaving incriminating evidence in a diary, for God's sake.) Maybe you should simply express your concerns to her and reiterate the house rules, then trust her to do the right thing. Tell her that you know she's smart enough to not let anything come between her and achieving her goals. Tell her that you do trust her judgment as an almost-adult to make good choices for herself. Tell her you love her, let her know she can ALWAYS come to you no matter what, make it clear what you approve of and disapprove of, and lay down the house rules, whatever you decide they should be, but let her know that you do trust her.
I think you should give her a little rope and trust her not to hang herself with it, because soon she will be out from under your roof and protection and she needs to know she can trust her own judgment. Also, the more you try to control her now, the less control you'll have over her once she heads to college. Let her know that you respect her, and hopefully she will return that respect.
You sound like you are less mad at her and more mad at yourself for being in the position of not wanting to be the pot (sorry!) that calls the kettle black. Don't beat yourself up about this... she may have tried it, anyway, regardless of whether or not you do it. Don't be a hypocrite, just express your concerns as someone who's been there and done that. Does that make sense? And for God's sake, stop being so hard on yourself!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
I am Just Glad it's Tuesday
Just waiting for 5 oclock now... Kettle One here I come! But seriously... the right words will come to you Jo- Good Luck!
The Friends...
Oh my gosh...that's what my DH said was the one lesson he learned...He said to know who the friends are. Meet the parents too. Make sure we know them and confirm all "play dates." It's that one friend who we have to watch out for. And, yes, all kids try to manipulate us! My 12 year old is unbelievable when she puts on the show....I tell her...wipe that smirk off your face. It don't work with this mama! But Jo, the other thing which is what you probably fear is that the more you deny her access to this friend, the more she'll try to sneak and hang out with her....You are in a really, really tough spot. I would want to handle it from a loving place, but out of fear, I'd probably blow it and handle it angrily with my kid which may not be the way to go...
yeah right.
My Daughter sees me as some over protective nut job. She is going to flip a lid when I hit her with this. As we have been posting, I have decided not to let her go to this party. But she had also asked me if she can sleep over there tomorrow night.
Oh God, so much shit is spinning through my head.
On Sunday My Brother broached the idea of him and his family taking my Daughter with them to Florida and on a cruise to the Bahamma's in two weeks. It would be her Graduation present from them. Now I'm figuring how the frig to I tell my brother my concerns. He get very defensive.
Keep it coming ladies. I need all the imput and scary stories you can come up with. And I'm gonna make her read them. She at at work tonight 'till about 9:00
There is something in the name ANNE
and I am with you 8102! What a pandora's box you opened on the nite we moved the computer to the open zone! (dh knows I am on "that site where you bitch...lol " I stand by my usual DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS but I also agree with Anne here Jo. You can't let your daughter know you read this, or act like she has changed some how. Trust the daughter you had when the laundry was every where and you were sorting through the socks, she has made you proud so far right? There is of course nothing wrong with a strategically placed mother daughter chat pre-party last hour reminder of ...any suggestions from above would probably apply well here....lol I am still giggling you brought this topic here SIDEKICKS UNITE
by the way....CHEERS a loony canuck
AUURRRRR, Anne
Thanks for the laugh Daddy's girl. Kettle one.lol, And Anne, Pot kettle.
I that you so much all for weighing in on this.
Anne, what did you write the freaken dialog for my kid. That is EXACTLY what I am up against.
But the point remains, from the sounds of the diary, she is REALLY liking the partying. And that I have to stop it.
I see both sides
That's why I want to freaken scream.
I understand she is a young adult and has to make her own mistakes.
But she is not an Adult. I don't want her around someone who is going to glorify partying. How many kids have died in college from this shit.
I didn't spend 17 years of my life caring for this bean, to lose her to the almighty power of partying.
Yep, Fearless!
I took too many words to say it, but I basically mean that you have to let them know what your expectations are, but at that age, trust them enough to not screw up too badly. I liken this to my inquisitive three year-old and the lightbulb in the lamp on the end table. You get tired of saying, "Don't touch it! It's hot!" She was two, she had to learn the hard way how not to get burned. But at 17 1/2, she should have a pretty good understanding of what CAN happen, she's seeing it in the cousin, so hopefully she'll be smart enough to not let it happen to her. And in my graduating class, the preacher's daughters were by far the wildest girls in the class. The last thing you want is to smother them too much and make them act out and you also don't want to them to be too afraid to come to you if/when they do screw up. It's such a fine line. I'm glad mine are still in the single digits, but I know my day is coming. Yikes!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Never Admit That You....
read their diary or journal... it will detract from the total message (they will feel their privacy has been betrayed) . YOU need to present this in a manner that demonstrates that you KNOW what they are up to JUST because you are INTUNE to them. This gives you power.
I read about "it" in my daughter's journal and then when she came home I would "freak her out", staring, questioning, you know--instigating her drug induced paranoia. When the oppurtunity arises...pounce.. the red eyes, the shifty eyes, the discordinate behavior.....
Once you know what they are up to, it is easier to analyse the behavior and get them while they are induced. any time outside of this window is fruitless.... I know, I digress.