I wish,

I understand what your saying and where your coming from. I have been there for the past six and a half years with the Step Brat (age 10.5). My DH is also "go with the flow" and "Mr. Easy guy" when it comes to his daughter.

The biggest problem in her life is that her dad will lecture her but nothing else. And, yes, an hour later it's like it never happened..Regardless of what she did wrong, how serious it is, and the message that it sends to his daughter and everyone else that has to live with her. He flaps his lips but he doesn't DO anything about her behavior..

Then he wonders why his daughter smirks when he talks to her, blows him off like she didn't hear him, brings home three report cards in a row that are all F's, and we have the problems with her that we have had. And he wonders why she doesn't take him seriously...How can she???? Or anyone else under our roof for that matter..

My husband is a great guy and I love him..But, had I known 6.5 years ago what I know today..I would have probably just dated him and spent time with HIM during the nights that his family had the Step Brat over night..And avoided getting more involved then a relationship just between him and I..

The hassle of dealing with the step brat just has not been worth it..

Okay, the way I see it, your best bet is to stop holding back, wishIhadntbutIdid. We have to do that a lot as "step" moms... we're not the "real" mom, so it's not our place to do any real discipline. Whenever we try, we get the whole "you're not my mother" routine. I don't think those of you who are raising your stepchildren in place of an absentee BM should have to hold back. YOU are stepping in and mothering these children when their own mothers either can't or don't parent them. I say parent these children as if they really were your own. Dad's not doing it, mom's not doing it, so as an adult in your home with authority over the children, I think you have the right to bring these kids to their knees. If their bio parents don't like it, then they always have the option of stepping up and doing their parenting job themselves. The kids will probably hate you for it now, teenagers usually hate their parents at least part of the time, but they will thank you for it when they grow up to be okay adults.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

Anne has made some good points here. In my situation, I tried to step up and be the parent to my step brat because after all she lived with us full time, the BM is not in the picture at all and for an added twist I am stuck with her when her dad deploys for a few months here and there and for a year here and there.

The end result is that the only time her dad would step up to exercise his parental authority is to undo anything and everything I tried to do to straigten her out and correct her or to defend the step brat! Everything I tried was undermined by DH and he presented a united front with the step brat and not me..

Soooooo in my view, if he wants her here then he needs to parent her. And when he deploys from now on he needs to make other arrangements for her while he is gone. I refuse to attempt to parent a child when her dad constantly pulls the authority out from under me, stripes me of my power as a parent, and of any respect I would hope to gain from the Step brat..

I dont' parent her anymore. In fact, typically when she comes home from school she is in her room "supposedly doing her homework". As soon as her dad comes home I retreat to my room "to do my homework" until the step brat goes to bed..I avoid being in the same room with her and dealing with her as much as possible. I only interact with her when absolutley necessary..

I don't do her laundry..I don't pick up after her..I don't disipline her or enforce her punishments..If she has choires and does them half assed or blows them off entirley...Then her dad has the option of doing them for her or waking her up and having her do them..I don't have anything to do with any aspects of her schooling.. I don't do Dr.'s or Dentists appointments, and I don't chaufer her around anywhere that she needs to go to...NONE OF IT..DEAR OLD DAD GETS IT ALL..

In my book, I am either a parent to her or I am not..And if I am then I should be able to correct her as I see fit with out interferrance or undermining from her dad..And if I am not..then Dear old dad gets ALL the parenting responsibilities..He doesn't get to have it both ways..