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Marie's picture

Submitted by Marie on Sun, 03/11/2007 - 6:49pm

Hi there,

Please help I need some advice, I have been with my partner just over a year, I love him & without all the strains we are very happy.
I am divorced with 3 kids whom I adore, my relationship with my ex is very civil, we do our best to be decent to each other for the sake of the kids, and so far it has worked out fine.
My partner however has the ex from hell!! And this is what I am having trouble coming to terms with. Maybe this is naive but I really didn't think that woman like this were for real?
Last weekend she appeared on his driveway early Sunday morning,he wasn't due to have his kids as he'd had them Fri & Sat till lunch but she had just decided that she was stressed & needed some time alone. We had made plans & ordinarily it would not have been a problem. So my partner said no, next thing she is on the driveway a 6yr old & 2 yr old in their pj's crying in the back of the car. I have never got involved in their squables but at this point my blood boiled, I went out to see if the kids were ok & she is verbally abusing me, I am horrified as the kids are screaming under a duvet in the car.
Eventually we have to call the police, but she has driven away.
Its a week later & I cant get that image of the kids out of my head, & he * she seem to have forgotten it??
I also have the text messages from her & phoning my partner at 7am if she has had a bad night with the kids.
I love my partner very much but sometimes I despise him for being so weak with her, yet I also understand as he says I need to keep the peace to give the kids some kind of stability.

Comments

Little Jo's picture

Submitted by Little Jo on Sun, 03/11/2007 - 7:06pm

You have come to the right place. I'm sorry to tell you, alot of BM are out of their minds. Just read some of our stories.

Feel free to unload when ever you need to.

Anne 8102's picture

Submitted by Anne 8102 on Sun, 03/11/2007 - 7:12pm

Welcome!

Okay, do you guys want to try to get custody of the kids or are you just looking for a solution to getting BM respect your boundaries?

If you're hoping for option number one, getting custody, then I say take the kids each and every single time she can't handle them and document, document, document. It'll be good leverage for getting more or full custody. It can also be a good way to get the CS lowered, because that should be calculated based partly upon the number of days the children spend with each parent. Also, if she's overwhelmed and loses her ability to be rational, do you think she could become physically abusive to the kids? That's something to consider.

If you're hoping for option number two, getting her to respect your boundaries, good luck! I think that's something we all struggle with, no matter how long we've been at this! (Almost six years for me.)

As for your partner, normal is whatever you are used to. If he's used to her acting this way, then it's "normal" behavior for him. He's become desensitized to it and it's probably routine to him, so it probably doesn't alarm him the same way it does you. Or maybe, like a lot of non-custodial dads, he feels helpless to change the situation, so he just lets it go.

I think you have to try to get him on board as far as setting some boundaries with the BM, but even if you do, that doesn't mean she will abide by them. So the next best advice I have is to always let him deal with her, no matter what. Don't let her draw you in, don't engage her, don't ever give her a reaction. Don't give her an audience. Don't let her have any power over you... just don't let her into your head. There's a super-smart lady on this board who uses the phrase "renting space in my head." Don't let this BM rent space in your head. It's awful for the kids and we want to do anything we can to help, but do that by supporting their dad to do the right thing. It's better for your own sanity that way!

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

Realist's picture

Submitted by Realist on Sun, 03/11/2007 - 7:25pm

that image of the children in the car.... how horrific

Anne is right. Document everything IN WRITING. As a lawyer, I cannot tell you how important it is. These events, when documented, form a pattern of behaviour which can be really useful for lots of reasons down the raod - counselling, access, custody....

Additionally, it might have been better to stay inside while DH dealt with BM. One thing I have learned is that it's better to keep right out of DH's issues with BM. Your presence, particularly when the kids are there is just going to inflame BM further and leave you with a very bitter after-taste.

Finally, there is not a lot you can do to control BM - another thing many of us on this site have scknowledged. A lot of DHs do feel helpless, but if you don't like the way his relationship with BM is affecting your relationship with DH I would recommend counselling. I've just started going myself with DH and it's useful for assisting people to set boundaries.

Good luck,

Realist