To answer your question of course it is special to create a new life. Unfortunately it seems that it is taken far too lightly. I can tell you from my own personal experience that when the kids came along the relationship fell apart. It was both of our faults, I naturally fell in love with my babies and spent time and energy on them and sort of forgot that I had a husband. He went out more and more, in hindsite probably because he felt a bit excluded and he admits jealous of my time spent with them. We gradually grew apart and it ended in divorce. Before you have a baby you need to make sure the relationship is good because any problems seem to magnify.

I think you're trying to mix the husband/wife relationship with the father/mother relationship and maybe that's part of what is conflicting you.

Yes, when you are in love and happily married, then those four entities do blend and it's all sort of combined... husband, wife, father, mother. But when you divorce, although you do still parent together, you're not doing the husband/wife part anymore. I think there IS a difference between parenting when you are divorced and parenting when you are married. I think your DH is trying to tell you that just because he is parenting amicably with his child's BM, it doesn't mean that they are still in a spousal-type relationship or have husband/wife feelings towards each other. That's why he says it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean anything beyond parenting. It doesn't mean they have anything more of a relationship than divorced co-parents.

When you fall in love, get married and have a child together within the confines of a happy marriage, then parenting together DOES mean something beyond just parenting. It also goes to enrich the marital relationship, as well as the co-parent relationship. Follow? I think it IS different. You can love your children and be a good father to them without loving their mother or having an intimate relationship with her, such as when there's a divorce. You can have more than one children and each time it's a totally unique and indescribable experience. You can have a child from a one-night stand with someone you really don't care for or with the love of your life and while you may love the children the same, you will absolutely NOT have the same relationship with each mother.

I wouldn't not have children because you are afraid it won't mean anything to him, because you are comparing apples to oranges. The process of giving birth is basically the same, but the bonding experience and the feelings you have for one another as husband/wife, and also as new father/new mother, will be totally unique to YOUR relationship. Every birth is different, every marriage is different, every situation is different.

We have five children in all. Here's a rundown of our crew...

SD15 was conceived by his ex-wife via an adulterous affair during their marriage. DH's name is on the birth certificate, but after the separation, BM told SD15 that DH wasn't, in fact, her father. But we still treat her and accept her as one of "our" kids.

SD14 and SS11 are the biological kids of my husband and his ex-wife, and my stepchildren.

BS9 is my son from a previous marriage. His father abandoned us during my pregnancy. We divorced and I married DH when my son was three. My DH has adopted my son.

BD4 is our daughter, the only one of the five we conceived together.

Now, I tell you this because my husband already had three kids by the time we got married, plus I already had a son. We had already been there and done that several times over. But when we had our daughter together, it was unlike any of the other four previous births. It was no less a miracle, no less a bonding experience for the two of us and I think it really cemented our family, because this was the one person who linked us all... our daughter was biologically related to EVERYONE in the family! (Except SD15, of course.) I never once thought about his experiencing this with his ex-wife first and I know he never thought about me doing this with my ex-husband. They weren't a part of it... this was OUR experience and it was so worth it!

Having said all of that, though, having a baby, as you pointed out, is a HUGE decision. And if you are not 100% ready to do it, then do NOT let yourself get talked or guilted into doing it. This is one of those deal-breakers, unfortunately, because you can't have half a baby if one person wants one and the other person doesn't. You also can't send them back if you later decide it wasn't the right decision for you. Also, having a baby is NEVER the solution to any problem. It won't fix a broken relationship, it won't save a marriage. Having our daughter together did make our family feel more complete and rounded, and I think we would have really regretted not having had a child together, but I also think that if we hadn't had her, we still would have done just fine. So have a baby because you want a baby and for NO other reason.

By the way, I think feeling conflicted is just about the most sane response you could have. Too many people make too many babies for all the wrong reasons and without really thinking it through. Good for you for taking it so slowly and seriously. If/when you do choose to become a mother, you'll do great! And if not, then you're STILL great!

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)