Happy day here too..DH is finally getting it!! I'm Calm at Last.
By Golly, I think he's got it!! Dh now does inform me whenever ex calls and guess what?? I haven't flipped even though one time was very unneccesary and I did roll my eyes (but he didn't see me do it.) We are starting to joke about it...I am calm finally! And I really owe it to you gals. Thank you.
Anyway, now we just have to work on the CS phone calls which is HIS fault entirely. This week he didn't put the CS in her bank account timely and she had to check up on him. I can't wait for him to do it automatically and electronically so this will alleviate those phone calls. This is what's happening now:
1st call) When are you putting it in.
2nd call) Did you put it in?
3rd call) Where is it...did you forget?
4th Call) Do you know I just bounced some checks...blah blah blah.
AGH.....If he just does it automatically, electronically, she'll never have to call him again regarding that matter.(YES, hubby spoiled her by just depositing it himself for her in her account twice a month since he still uses the same bank but he isn't as Prompt as my ex who has the check sent to me by the 1st every month. Never late once in 7 years. I'm grateful for that.
He's also "getting it" because he is starting to take responsibility for what his role is in things and not leaving it to ex. For example, his oldest did a "bad thing" and is now away for a little while. We were going to visit her but guess what....I'm not on the visiting list. Why? Because he let his ex fill out the paperwork for him and she didn't include me. Guess what? I'm Calm!!! (and shocked that I feel so calm.) Could I wring his f**gn neck? Yeah....but I'm not going to this time. (let's hope this serenity lasts.)
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Hooray!
I'm glad to hear that your hubby is finally getting it AND that you've found a way to find peace in a challenging situation. Even when things don't go your way, it's important to remain calm and let it roll off your back. You sound much happier!
Here's to serenity!
Congratulations! I know it
Congratulations! I know it is so hard to keep your temper in those situations. It was with me. It still is. But it helps things get resolved so much more easily.
I write them myself!
I was so tired of BM calling 3 days before the 1st and 15th... I finally started writing the checks myself... so when she would call DH he would say- I don't know Mellissa writes those checks, call her... you would think she would have to much PRIDE to call ME and ask ME for a check.. but NO, she called 3 days before the 1st and I simply told her- The DAY it is late, you can call and ask me for it, until then- DON'T ASK, that is why it is in writing in the court order- so you KNOW what day you will get it, so STOP ASKING... she never asked again!!!!
Now you just need to be patient
and just keep up the positives so he will keep you in the loop. }:)
I am very happy for you. OMG I have to tell you on the CS thing. I am always calling my ex but then again he is behind $2516.88 which would really help us out.. (me and the kids). So I am the ex that calls and complains. But I only complain about that. SO I am not a horrible ex wife and I would never expect my ex to put it in my account for me.. OMG that is crazy.
When will he have it directly taken from check?
Great News
Good to hear Bonus Wife. re: the payments..automatic is the only way to go if available. In our case we all deal with different banks, and my dh does not have the patience for the paperwork. As a result, we tried mailing post dated to the bm's. One cashes hers in the machines usually 3 days before the date on the cheque...once she even cashed October's cheque in August! And the other bm likes to hold her cheques for about three weeks after the date. We are not wealthy with money to spare so when she complained one cheque bounced and we realized she held it for a full month and then cashed to cheques together! My dh finally told both, if you want them post dated..you have 5 business days to cash them otherwise they will not be reimbersed for monies lost.
Sounds like progress...
Just keep reminding yourself and everything will work out fine.
I will say that going the electronic route is the best way to go. Having it taken directly out of the DH paycheck automatically also is great because then no one has to worry about falling behind. And if you can't set it up that way, if you set it up like an automated online bill payment through your bank, that works too.
A friend of mine owns his own business, and so he didn't really get a paycheck per say, so I suggested that he set it up as a 'monthly bill' in his online bank bill payment so many of them offer... never had his ex complain again. She gets her money on time, he just takes care of all his other expenses after that amount has been subtracted so he doesn't have to worry about 'missing' a payment. Works great.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Party time.
So glad to hear the news.!!! And once the electronic thing happens, it will be party time. My bf still has to meet with her once a week on 'pay day'. She doesn't have a bank account. I hate those damb phone calls!!
Anyway, fabulous. DH waking up and smelling the fine coffee. Beautiful.
Jo
Well, he kind of gets it....
He told me about yesterday's three phone calls BUT, when I borrowed his phone, I noticed there are NO phone calls to or from her on his phone. I guess he deletes them so I don't really see how long they actually chat. (I mentioned she is chatty cathy.) Guess I can't know everything but it still makes me think he's hiding something. I guess I never should have let him know when I noticed the one call that was 72 minutes long from her to him. There is NOTHING he can tell me that will even warrant a call that long. (They do have a daughter with problems...but no way could a conversation about her be over an hour.) So, what can I do? Gotta let it go. He knows I know...and that's that.
I am not okay..does anyone have balls I can buy for DH?
Well, I was wrong about alot of things but not my basic feeling that he hides things from me. This is what I learned. That so far, DH still worries about pleasing the kids and the ex wife more than me, and he's torn and his withheld lots of stuff just so I don't get aggravated.
In fact, I'm freaking over here right now. I opened DH's bank statement to get the routing number so I can see if I can make elec. transfer to his account as a test so I can show him how to do it for exes account..Anyway, I got a big surprise! There was a debit on 12/24 for $130.00 --- a collectible store...that didn't go for anything in our house. Long story short...his kids asked him to pick mom up a hummel for them (that's their tradition.)and he didn't have the heart to tell them that he was no longer responsible for buying mommy gifts from them. (They are 14 and 15) Also, he never got reimbursed from her either...Meanwhile..I charged 8000.00 for our honeymoon, and 1000.00 for our gifts to all the kids. That 100.00 could have gone to our charge card not to mom to please her again.
ACtually, it's not the money issue. I am sick to my stomach...that the night the daughter asked him, he just didn't come home and tell me that he couldn't disapoint his daughter and he caved in.
It wouldn't even be a big deal but we discussed holiday protocol ahead of time!!!! So, I stuck with my end of the bargain..and my duaghter had no gift for father (unless her stepmom bought him one from her.) and I got no gift from my kid either.
DH took his kids out to buy a gift for ex but didn't take my kid out to buy one for me. AND HE NEVER TOLD ME this happened.
He is upset that he tried to sweep this under the rug and that I caught him. He claims he feels so torn...and that he doesn't want to disappoint his kids. I told him he can't have two wives to take care of. His kids have to know he's divorced and he has to act accordingly. He doesn't want me to be the bad guy in his kids eyes...
Is he kidding or am I in denial? Where are his balls!I don't even know what else to say to him....
If my kid asked for 100.00 to buy her daddy a gift, I'd call daddy to make sure he was going to reimburse me. What do you do in this situation? I am really a nice, understanding person but I've become insane!
Never asked to be lied to or disappointed
Look sweetie, I am the result of patience and understanding for the moran and the puppies that he has in tow. In the bible, (not for sure on this one)that we are to forsake all others for the betterment of the marriage. Now with that in mind hubby did the same thing to me for another gift giving day and for life of me I did everything within my power to be rational. So I carefully explained to my hubby that my feelings were hurt and I felt as though I was last on the "TO DO LIST". That if he felt that they(Xwife and pups)are more important than the life and marriage that we are trying to build, welll you need to go back to them and get the hell on..First and foremost, where you(hubby) lays his head down everynight is the first priority that he should have,and this includes me. So if your #1 priorities are else where,well that's where you shoulld be as well..Hubby got it together and things have been on the correct road every since. Not saying that the kids are not important but don't make me the sacrifical lamb for them or their mother either.So now things are just fine now.
UNACCEPTABLE
maybe these kids need to get jobs at their age and buy their own damn presents for mom! How long have they been separated 2hrs?? I would think when the marriage is over so should the traditions. These kids are manipulating their dad, and I think you should add a pair of wide open working eyes to go with the balls you need to buy.
oh Bonus,
I'm so sorry to hear this. It's completely unacceptable divorced behavior. Exspecially the fact they are teenagers. Come on, they don't need to ask 'daddy' to spring for a gift. Grow up.
DH does need to grow his balls back. And you have to help him by continually reminding him of the "Beauty of Divorce."
Anytime my BF would agrue why he had to do something for her or put up with her dictations, I would reply, Honey, that's the beauty of Divorce. You don't have to.
It took time but he's getting it. Now when ever I say it, he just smiles and puts his head down.
Hugs. Jo
I love that!
The beauty of divorce. I'm gonna try dropping THAT one in the convo when she next makes her shitty demands!!!
I am writing Fool on my head for when he comes home.
He left me a message and apologized again....keeps saying the gift was not for his exwife from him! He doesn't understnd that is not what I give a crap about!! I also feel like a fool....The only reason he even had 130.00 to spare for his children is cause I pay all the fri***ng bills around here...He should be paying three times the amount of what things really cost but since he has nothing, what can I do? Yes, the word is not that he lied..but he deceived me and welshed...but what's most confusing is I still just don't get why he didn't get reimbursed from the mother???? That is the big puzzle. He just reimbursed her $25 for a dvd of the kids show...why didn't he ask her for the money? He can't afford to be a "nice guy" when we are in debt... I am a sucker aren't I???
And yes...time for a heart to heart but he is trying to pin it on me...that he is afraid of my reactions when it involves "her" thats why he doesn't tell me things. That's B.S. ladies. I'm so disappointed in him. Believe it or not, he is a very loving man to me....
You Are Not A Fool
Well let it be known that men are stupid and ignorant creatures that we are put here on earth to worry with. With that said, tell hubby that you understand and let that be that. Get yourself a sugar daddy and let things be the way they are. Don't forget to tell hubby that you love him.But he(my hubby and all the rest) is going to do what he will and please whether you know about or not.Think self first ,especially if he isn't. I have been with my hubby for almost 19 years and the jest of it is just that. Exwife and kids, plus the debt that was created in all this lovely crap called marriage. I found myself a nice old man and my debt was taken care of in time. I pay all the bills so he doesn't know what is or isnt'. I tell him about the 300$ lite bill(for example only) and that I need 200$,because all I have is the other 100$.When I get the money I put it in my purse, the bills were paid already.No man wants to live in the dark or with no water or food. So the excuse to swindle the money away from the xwife,the greedy kids and his own silly hands, is to present a cut off notice that has been paid already..hahahaha
Auuuurrrrggg
I understand. Sometimes my BF won't tell me something because he knows what my reaction will be. He'll say something like I don't need the added stress from you. But I told him that is no longer acceptable. Thank God the guy listens to me. He pretty much tells me everything now.
My question to you is - does the BM know that HE paid for the gift.
Thank you...
He knows he is wrong and I am sick of the "it was for the kids" crap.
You have no idea of the situation. I am so bitter right now it's not fair. I would go in debt for his children in a second...but no friggin way for his ex wife. But in his mind, it WAS for his kid. I had a fit last year when exwife had the gall to ask him to return measuring spoons he got on behalf of his son. I thought he learned his lesson. And, I can see why stepmoms become bitter. I think the kid has some nerve for even asking daddy to buy mommy something at that age. He needs to tell her that the only woman he is responsible for now is ME...If she hates me, she hates me.
I am not going to be Sugar Mama anymore for him. If he has no respect for our agreement, or life, he can leave.
OUr financial situation is that he pays C.S. and his car payment. hE gives me $800 a month (which really only cover the home equity line of credit I took out to add an additon to my home to accomodate his kids.) EVERYTHING ELSE I PAY FOR. Everything! I want to throw my ring back at him but guess what...I paid for that too!!!!!
I truly was prepared to finally get a joint account and just say all of it is OUR money...not now.
It isn't a money issue BUT....you are so right....he can't be Mr. Nice Guy when we are in debt now. I need to get rid of this anger. and feeling of betrayal. He swore this was his LAST mistake...I can't take it. I really can't. Is he just not emotionally divorced? I know in my heart there is no feelings for the ex. It's not even about her...it's everything you all said. Thanks...just say a prayer that I can stay calm. I'm not calm at all. I'm a lunatic when people BS me.
Oh Dear
Calm down is right. Be angry but be rational. Get your thoughts together. Fearless is right. Good luck tonight in talking with him.
Best wishes - Jo
Joint checking and SM paying child support
Bonus, I am living the money issue in reverse... From naivete to wisdom - sounds like a magazine expose.
I paid his child support - direct deposit from MY paycheck because he wouldn't set it up to avoid embarrassment with his employer (whatever...) - and because we started with a joint checking account. (I decided to pay it because our money was pooled anyway. Mostly, I set up the direct deposit to cut off the annoying CS phone calls - it worked for a whole 8 months.)
Fast forward to today: I have created my own checking and have my entire paycheck deposited to it now. He resents the separation, but he's beginning to understand who really pays for things around here.
How funds got separated: BM got snippy last summer when I asked her for a reprieve on direct-deposited CS (she had a successful business of her own at the time and CS has always been handled privately) so we could pay a MAJOR medical bill of our own - she ok'd cutting off the direct deposit for 3 months, then changed her mind and demanded the court-ordered amount 2 wks into the agreement - the court-ordered amount from 1998 includes a kid who is 21 years old now - and threatened she'd take it out of private handling and contact my DH's employer and have it taken out of his paycheck.
Here's the part that just makes me giggle... I said, "Fine. Bite the hand that feeds you, beeyatch." I never reinstated the direct deposit. She called DH for a few months asking for money, then sent her ancient court order to his employer.
*It gets better*
His employer told her, your court order is out of date. We can't deduct this from his pay - one of the children has reached majority AND the laws in your state have changed since the order was written 8 years ago! You need to have the order modified and send it to his state of residence before we can deduct and send to the OCS.
Ha ha ha - ha f*ck-ing ha.
He has lived in fear of this c-word because she threatened him with that dusty old court order every time he was 1 day late on CS (even during the days after 9/11 when he was working at a sandwich shop to pay rent on his ROOM, though he has a degree & 20 yrs experience in IT). He wanted to keep things amicable - as others have said, so he wouldn't look bad to his kids (of course he never saw her calls as clingy - he thought she had her kids' best interests at heart too... Yeah, right - even a bill collector gives you 30 days before they call! An ex-girlfriend/wife is there at 12:01 am so you don't forget her voice!). I started paying it to stop the phone calls & threats and look - I took the wind right out of her sails when I just cut her off - I knew the laws had changed and had been trying to convince DH since last year that her old court order carried no weight any more.
Anyhoo... to make a short story long, stand your ground, defend yourself. Recognize that you both bring obligations to the table and the amount of crossover on paying for that baggage has to be agreed upon by both - it cannot be one person completely martyring herself to the other person's past just to share his future. For instance, our student loans affect both of us. We both made bad credit decisions after 9/11. We own those together (married in 2005). But the fact that he knocked up two broads in the 80's & 90's isn't my GD problem - I always made sure MY bf's wore condoms! It's enough that I have to sacrifice all the "firsts" to the exes and share my life with nasty little people who resent me and whom I resent - and let's not forget that I live a much less fortunate lifestyle than I will when they're all over 20 (we work HARD and live WAY below our means because money is going north!), I shouldn't have to pay for them directly. A 6-pack of Trojans would have been MUCH cheaper...
If the kidlets want their mommy to have her traditional Christmas present, they can sell Kool-aid on the corner to raise money - or find the Hummels or Lladro on eBay. Unfortunately, it sounds like they have not reconciled the fact that dad is not mom's man anymore...
Good luck, sweetie. Money is the Big Kahuna of marriage problems. Trust & Truth are the "Jaws."
Blueberry's Baby
thanks
Tonight was the night he hangs out in her house to see them. He'll be home at 11 pm. I told him to stay there tonight cause I don't even want to see his lying face yet. He's coming home though. And yes, I will ask him to leave if he can't step up to the plate and start respecting our marriage. There's tons of little things that I have SUCK UP, and I do...but no more.)Thanks sooooo much. I had a rough day.
When he comes home
... girl, you'd better have a plan if he won't admit what he's done is wrong.
Even one night is sometimes enough to shake him up. Do you have a place to go?
If his loyalties lie with her, are you prepared to make it more than 1 night?
Hang in there.
Blueberry's Baby
Gotcha
Wow, everyone's experience is truly giving me strength. Thanks for the honesty.
Basically, I decided to leave him a note outlining what needs to be done if he wants to stay married to me. Very cut to the chase, adding a few emotional comments along the way. Sometimes I can't phrase it properly when I speak but you guys always have the right "choice of words" and I did plagorize some of your sentences. Thanks.
Bottom Line: He disrespected our agreement & marriage for the LAST time. I don't expect him to verbally say it but, through future actions, his daughter will eventually get the newsflash that daddy is no longer responsible for mommy. The only "adult" woman dad needs to be responsible for is *** (me.) That the kids need to start disassociating Dad with Mom....That's done! He is not to help them track her down...UNLESS it's an emergency. (Yeah, when they can't get her on the cell phone, they call DAD - As if he knows her schedule! - (We live in a different state but he probably does :>( ) And him the enabler and caretaker starts calling around looking for her! AGHHHHHH
Then I mentioned, after C.S. and car payments, ANY EXTRA money goes to cover OUR financial obligations. If he can find 132 for his ex, he can certainly start paying his dry cleaning, ETC, ETC....
I told him I feel that my generosity is being taking advantage of....Because of him, she has a nice hummel in her curio and now I have less trust in my husband again... I said if he wants me to be completely secure in this relationship, (Fearless, you are right.)
he HAS to be completely truthful with me at all times. That's it. He needs to think long and hard and if he can't do it, yes, I will file for divorce.
I told him I'm sorry that he misses his kids so much but it is UNACCEPTABLE to be hanging out in their old house anymore...He needs to start weaning himself off that schedule by cutting it back to every other week....(They are 14 and 15 BTW)and inviting them here more. If they don't come, they don't come. The old life is done!
The really sad thing is that I am easy going, I don't hate the ex, IT'S all his fault that I feel this way....he could have had it made in the shade with me...and this is the appreciation I get. I'm being taken advantage of. NO MORE - ZERO TOLERANCE FOR LIES.
And, I love him, but not at the expense of my self-esteem suffering as a result of his not being able to be honest with his kids about what divorce entails. If I lose respect for him....it's not worth staying with him.
Minor Thing
To answer little Jo, Of course the ex knows he paid...the kids don't have that kind of money. And, from the jest of it, he only bought this hummel because it was always their tradition. Since the ex didn't ASK him to take kids shopping for her, he didn't have the heart to ask her for the money back.
To give you history: Even though they divorced, they must've decided no matter what, they will always spend birthdays and holidays together...last christmas when we were engaged she wouldn't let me attend...so I said okay. (DH should have stepped up to plate but he didn't.) However, this year being married I felt there is NO WAY I could handle spending christmas morning in his old house with his old family and have it be our celebration as well. It was a 4 month battle but he finally made his kids come to our house for Christmas Eve and the kids spent the a.m. with mom alone Christmas day. DH was devastated...His poor precious children were going to have a horrible christmas since they can't celebrate with mommy and daddy together christmas morning. I was truly nauseauted by his behavior. He was not respecting his new marriage at all and I stood my ground.
But in any case....apparently the hummel was a tradition...and he couldn't take that away from his kids as well. They had enough of an adjustment with daddy remarrying someone other than mommy. (REAL TOUGH - we live in a gorgeous house...the kids want for NOTHING here! She got a Tiffany bracelet, he got XBOX360 - PUHLEASE) Marrying me, the fairy godmother was the best thing their daddy did.....But here stupid me....writes the ex a really nice note, thanking her for taking the time to help her kids shop for our gifts. Told her we loved them. (Because DH didn't seem to have time to take his kids to get my gift, and he asked her to get it, he did reimburse her for ours, or maybe just mine...I don't know. She spent about $50). If I had known WE bought her a hummel too...I could have at least mentioned..."And I hope you enjoy your gift too!" He made a fool of me in that case too..now that I think about it. (gritting my teeth.)
Sorry I sound so vain...I think I am getting my confidence back. LOL This is therapy!!!
OUCH...
Well, although he is sorry...he felt he had no choice but to not tell me about the hummel...and the truth is...although he has no feelings for the ex....for all she does....(she goes above and beyond the call of duty for him) he told me SHE DESERVED THE HUMMEL!!!!
So, what's your take on this?
OUCH.
OMG, Are you freakin kidding me !!!!!!
I want to scream!!!!! Did I read this correctly.
(Because DH didn't seem to have time to take his kids to get my gift, and he asked her to get it, he did reimburse her for ours, or maybe just mine...I don't know. She spent about $50).
Holy crap!!!!! This man needs to beat like a rug.
And why in God's good name would you be expected to spend Christmas morning in THEIR OLD HOUSE. That's pure insanity!!!!!
They are not fucken babies. They are young adults. Some thing your man is not acting like.
Please forgive me, but you need to lay down some new laws and your man needs to grow some freaken balls.
Feeling for you. Jo
Felt LIke a Stab
Well, this is my take: Seems to me, he had a midlife crisis after 14 years of marriage to a nice lady..wanted permission to try out new a**s...and he got divorced. Since his ex (very christian) didn't want the divorce she allowed him to still participate in their lives in whatever fashion hubby wanted. (Before me, DH had a live-in that lasted 5 years - he didn't marry her cause she and ex and she and kids were always at odds...WONDER WHY??)
In any case, my whole perception feels like he has two lives. One with me where he gets to come to my bed every night...and one at her house where him and the kids can "play" family.
I't unreal to me all that the ex does....she drives 1/2 way to meet him when they drop off kids...its one hour there and one hour back. (we live 2 hours away.) He said if I don't allow him to depend on her anymore, he'll have to drive two hours each way now to get them. I am making his life much more difficult. Therefore, should I try to make his life easier by not busting his chops if his doormat of an exwife meets him halfway???? Personally I don't respect him if he is "using her". Or maybe he isn't...and buying her that hummel was his way of saying thank you to her. (I think we should give her a gift together to say thanks for making our lives easier by helping with the commute) I don't know...My head is spinnnnnning! I am giving this to God after today. I'm too tired. Thank you all for your input cause I felt crazy.
Christmas
And little jo,
He BEGGED me to share our christmas with them...he didn't want the kids Christmas to be ruined because the kids have never experienced christmas morning without mom and dad being there together in their own house. (As opposed to splitting the holiday. He didn't want his kids to not wake up in their own bed...he didn't think it wsa fair to the ex to be alone christmas eve or morning without her precious children. (So my husband spent 8 hours in car Christmas Eve to accomodate everyone...2 hours to pick them up - 2 hours to bring them to our home christmas eve...we ate, opened gifts, then he spent 2 hours to bring them Home to her to go to midnight mass and 2 hours coming back home to me. AND guess what..that still wasn't enough!! Him and I had to go back christmas a.m...to take the kids to brunch so they didn't feel like dad abandoned them. We were there for one hour and spent 4 hours in the car....
YOU ARE SOOOOO RIGHT....KIDS ARE RESILIENT...HE NEEDS TO BE WEANED!!!!
Christmas
Tell him that will be the last Xmas you'll do it that way. Its a long weekend, so each year do a trade off with her, and learn to say no to your husband. Otherwise, you'll end up hateing him.
Don't Get Mad, Get Even
DH doesn't really seem sorry...He feels kinda bad he never told me but showed no real remorse about the deceit. So in order to forgive and forget asap...i decided to just get even and I left a check wrote out to my exhusband for the same amount he spent (132.50) with a note explaing that I wasn't aware new hubby gave his kids any money to buy their mom a gift and therefore he's entitled to same.
Then the note I gave hubby was that if he really felt justified in what he did and that his ex "deserved" that gift...that my ex who is great, also doesn't deserve NOT to get a gift from his daughter just because I have "divorce boundaries." Two wrongs don't make a right but what's good for his ex is good for mine.
Turns out...my hubby was not happy with my playing even steven....he said I can punish him over this but not humiliate him to my ex...HMMMMM What's good for the goose is good for the gander from now on. Til he gets the message.