Frustration beyond belief
We're struggling with bm and her controlling ways...here's the latest:
BM changed the doctor's appointment so she didn't have to change her appointments (afterall, she is the most important person here) so she could make the ss's meeting at school. Last week ss had two days of school and 3 days off (one "cold" day and two inservice days). SS did not do any of his weekly homework-reading 20 minutes a night, doing extra math for 30 minutes a week, etc. DH called her and asked her about not signing the calendars and she said that she didn't have to conform to our schedule (like we were the ones that gave him the assignments). She didn't help ss do any of his homework last week so we are stuck, once again, making up for it. The science book is still missing at her house, luckily I ordered one off of the internet to replace the one lost at her house otherwise ss wouldn't be able to do science (yeah, I know that normally you would be able to pay for a book and the school would replace it but this book happens to be from 1980 and the school has no extras so I ordered one---very cheap).
DH told me last night that bm went in and talked to the teacher about the date for the meeting that was already set (again, bm and dh forgot the original doctor's appointment and set the meeting up at school for the same time until I reminded dh and he reminded bm).
My frustration is more from the fact that dh doesn't think bm is doing things on purpose. I see her walking all over dh and I can't stand it. I'm not trying to replace bm but I can't stand to see the boys not being taken care of. She ships them off to her mother's at any given chance, she has her other two older kids watch them whenever possible. She is "tired" of being mom in my opinion. She had a child at 16 (from another man other than dh) who is now 21, she has another boy who is 17 (from yet another man) and I think she wants to have fun and get her childhood back. She doesn't keep track of showers, and other daily cares. She says that clothes are "clean" when they absolutly stink of mildew because they've been sitting in her basement for weeks. Her house is a pigsty (hearing the boys talk about the condition of the house is funny because they can't stand it).
I KNOW I"M RAMBLING but I need to get this out (and I know some of it has been repeated but I'm at my wits end).
Has anyone ever dealt with a bm who has totally opposite values of school and life in general? Any advice? I know I need to do the best I can for the boys and I will but it is starting to put a strain on my marriage (me being frustrated with bm all of the time). I know I need to work on letting that part go.
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Comments
Becky
That sounds very much like my ss's Bm. She was exactly like the person you described and she still is somewhat. Whenever Bm is involved with something, some kind of problem or bad situation will usually arise. I think that things with our situation have gotten better only because my husband got primary custody of ss. So, we are responsible for school related stuff, doctor's appointments, etc. There are usually only school problems on the one night a week or the two weekends that ss is at his mom's house. Ss hasn't missed a doctor's appointment since we took over. He used to miss them all of the time. Bm didn't once take him to the dentist until we decided to stop waiting on her to do it and did it ourselves when he was 4.5 years old. We have been taking him ever since then.
I know that it does start to put strain on a marriage. It is so frustrating. My Dh would think that Bm wasn't doing most things on purpose either. However, after she would pull stuff time after time I would suggest to him that he was being played!
I wonder if there is some factor like a medical or psychological characteristic that these kind of woman have in common. I think my ss's Bm has adult ADD and depression for example. Just wondering.
Dawn
Hanging in there
Dawn, Thanks! It does help to know that others out there (I do realize that there are situations far worse than mine) have the same issues. BM just doesn't care about ss's schooling. I think she wants to keep them at the same level she is. I'm sure there is depression. DH just doesn't "get it" that she is playing him like a fine-tuned piano. She is good at maniuplation. We're getting SS tested for ADD and she is thrilled that there might be an LD component (as a teacher I see no LD issues and ss is quite smart) because that would mean more ssi for her (free money where she can get it). My opinion of this lady has plummeted in the last few months. We took the boys every other week (his legal right) to make sure that at least two weeks a month they have a stable home life. We try very hard to have routines, rules, and family time on our weeks. It is difficult but we're determined to make that part work. DH is so passive when it comes to bm that I can't believe it (she has left footprints all over him). I'm hearing that it is typical for the men tend to be more passive with the ex than a female would be with her ex, is that true?
doormat
Yes, I find it true. Dh will tell me something that Bm said to him and I will ask him if he let her get away with saying something like that? He usually doesn't want to start a fight and lets a lot of things go. He would sooner fight with me over what he lets her get away with then to just tell her what he really thinks sometimes. I don't see that issue going away in the near future. I have decided to try and point things out in a matter of fact way and not fight about it. Sometimes men just don't realize that they are getting walked on.
Dawn
DH Told Me...
That he has learned not to expect anything from her-- so after 10 yrs that is what we got. However, I figure if she has 50/50 then she damn well do her best to to live up to that responsibility. He doesn't want to argue with her, but will with me. In the meantime she treats him like a doormat and plays every opportunity to be the favorite parent (talks poorly about him to or around the kids). This infuriates me becasue it has effected the kids moral, self-esteem, relationship with DH, more.
Just in the past few months DH has been standing up to her, and yes she becomes uncooperative, etc... But I say she fights when you do nothing and she fights when you do something. So do something and maybe she'll learn to stop playing games that she will not win. (It's like dealing with the bully on the playground!!)
Same situation...frustrated too!!!!
The only difference is ALL of the anger is directed at me. From stepdaughters, biomom and yes, sometimes even DH...My DH has started to "wake-up" and realize that yes, it is on purpose but it really doesn't matter..."you can't reason with insanity." He's defended me and stood up to her but he's also let her walk all over him like a doormat. Same results - our only peaceful thing is to not deal with her at all. She has her scheduled time and we have ours. He leaves voicemails if emergent at her work when he knows she's not there and forces her to do the same by not answering her calls. It works best for us. I'm having MAJOR issues with Biomom telling my step-daughters that "mommy would be around more if I weren't in the picture so try and break up daddy and step-mommy" and things like that. I'm like Dawn in that we have primary custody of my Step-daughters. On biomom's weekends, they don't even bathe. She shows up for the "show"...takes them to dance 2x a week after school, class parties, but doesn't care about homework at all. You'd think if you really only had your daughters 2x a month you wouldn't drive 2 hours to your parents to "drop off" your kids so you could still go out on the weekends and party it up....that's what she does. My problem is it's taken out on me and the kids are starting to believe biomom (only natural)but I'm walking on eggshells in my own home
Hang in there - but every day is hard when you can only control YOUR time in YOUR house and you have to "detox" the kids after each visit.
It's a problem.
No doubt about it. Our BM is a piece of work. I tell me BF, I don't know how you put up with her so long. He tells me, he just gave up. BF has been with me a year, and he is slowly growning his balls back.
Like your BM, Ours has no regard for a clean house. She allows the girls to not go to school. I have no idea when the last time they have been to the eye doctor or dentist.
But these are things that have to be tackled one at a time.
It's when you think about everything all at once, that it makes you want to puke. And yes, vent.