Husband only tells half the story! Do YOU need to know all details too?
Hi all. What a helpful forum. I'm writing today because I was hoping someone else could relate and advise. My husband has a terrible habit of telling me a story but forgetting to include incidental details that when I eventually find out, I get irrational about.
Here's a silly example: He and ex wife had parent/teacher night. They planned on each going to different teacher's rooms. I spoke to him on the phone while he was on his way home to me that evening, and he told me how it went...I asked if he saw the ex and he said, "Yes, she attended with a neighbor." Also he mentioned that he spoke to his kids and told them everything the teachers said. Well, I am not the type to probe further so I didn't. I thought that was it until the next evening when I went to use his phone and saw a text from the ex that said..."wait for me, don't leave." When I asked what that message meant...he said she texted him during the conference and reminded him that she had to talk to him afterwards about their kids. I asked..."Where was the neighbor all this time?" And, he said, "Oh, he left. I drove her home." Then it turned out that he went in the house to see the kids for a little bit. Well, there's nothing wrong with that in my opinion. My ex and I are also completely amicable BUT...why did he fail to mention those little details. I even just "assumed" he spoke to his kids on the phone. I had no idea he went there and saw them in person!
Did he not trust "me" enough to have full disclosure about the evening? Perhaps he thought I'd think it was nervy of her to assume MY husband would take her home without even asking him ahead of time....(which I do.)and he'd have to listen to me vent about it...But, this is only ONE example and I am sick of not hearing the full story and don't know what to do.
I am sure he doesn't tell me half the times she calls him and tries to be Chatty Cathy with him. That's the type....calls about kids but then tells him tons of other stuff. Wipes lint off his jacket (in font of me!)IMO she's the type that doesn't realize she is divorced from him. But, anyway, my point is: Is it small potatoes that he doesn't tell me stuff that to him means nothing, or do you also expect to be told ALL details regarding exwife and kids?
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I want ALL the details
I agree with you 100%. I would have been livid if my husband had kept something like that from me. It's not like they casually leave out this information - they do it on purpose to avoid pissing us off. I expect my husband to tell me every time he talks to his ex, and as far as I know, he does. I don't always like to hear about it, but I'm glad he is telling me. I want to know because I don't like to be kept in the dark and you never know when she might try and throw something in your face that she thinks you don't know about. Like in your case, if you had not found that text message, you never would have known he went to her house. Then later, what if she said something about him giving her a ride home, or that night he came over to talk about the kids, or something of that nature. You would probably have been outraged. I don't want the ex to ever think she has anything over me, or knows something I don't know, in regards to her dealings with my husband. I think that may sound confusing, but hopefully you got what I was saying!
I hate being in the dark
It does bother me when dh fails to inform me of these things and then I hear about it form someone else. I feel stupid or that our relationship has these dirty little secrets. I hate that she seems to think she has one up on me.
I know that I have reacted badly in the past when he does tell me stuff so I am sure he wants to avoid that but it is worse when I get the information from someone else.
Today, I try to be more rational. Not let her piss me off as much as she has. So he does tell me more than before. I know he hates listening to her ramble on like they are two good friends. He is civil because he has to be.
I am trying to focus on our family. I have spent way too much energy focused on her. I have given her the power over me and I am working on gettting that back. So that when things happen I don't feel so threatened and angry. How's it working for me so far? Just started trying and she hasn't done anything of late to piss me off so we will see.
im feeling it
Thank god - its not just me...
I get SUPER irrational if he forgets details..but have come up with a unique plan to avoid such nonsense. Recently i got a number for my mobile - and she ( the cats mother - the ex - which ever you prefer) doesnt know it. My fiance and i discussed it and thought that to avoid these irrational outbursts on my part ( and for my sanity) we should give her this new number and tell her its his new number and if she anythign to say regarding my SS then she is welcome to text it to. She too has the rather annoying habit of texting about the child and lettign us know what colour her toenails are painted. SO yeah , thats our new resolution . This way I respond through text to her - not my fiance. its works out great for both of us..he doesnt get bothered by her an di am in control of what is and is not being
said. You keep strong girl.
LOL!! Am there!
I just went through this this morning with my BF! I ALWAYS want to know if he talks / e-mails the X and I want to know what was said. I know it may seem irrational, but I hate the thought of him having ANY dealings with her and it makes me feel a bit better if I know about it.
When BF and I were e-mailing each other this morning, I mentioned he needed to call X to discuss SD pick-up info for today, he said he talked to her yesterday. I was like "What??" "Why didn't you tell me you talked with her??" I wanted to know what was said and who said what.
It's crazy I know, but I can't seem to help it. I have gotten better though. I don't get so fired up as much anymore, so maybe time helps.
Dee
Is this a trust issue?
We don't know about every other conversation that our husbands have? Do we really need to know this? If he does have residual feelings for his ex, knowing about converstations doesn't make any difference. And if he doesn't have feelings, the conversations don't matter. I know this is easier said than done....believe me I wish that I could live by this. But when I need to know about ex issues, this is my insecurity rearing its ugly head.
Thank You -
Thanks everyone...Just knowing other wives have felt similiar helps. And, I appreciate all your input; Some really good points were made. Thx!