I went through this before w/ my husband & his EX. The state was taking out way more than half his pay, we were struggling to make it,also went through a period of no payments, because of a job change. We were so worried about being in trouble. Went to court so many times with EX harrassing us all the way(she puts the "ass" in harass), let me tell you. EX ended up getting into alot of trouble for that, we now even have custody of SS, and their is no more child supp. That alone kills her now, she does not care aboutSS, but take away $$$,and she exploded. Pay off what you owe, if you do before court date their will be no stones for her to throw, then nail her on harrassment.File your own court date...tell your lawyer you want to press harrassment charges.

First & foremost, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Keep records of phone calls, keep any voicemail recordings that are nasty( i found that she will leave many if you ignore her),transfer them to a tape, print out all e-mails from her & highlite the "crazy parts".Give all this stuff to your lawyer for your custody hearing. Also, keep notes on any unusual actions on her part, like some of the things you listed in your post, sounds like you may be able to pursue custody on grounds of neglect. My husbands EX, got into a fight w/ SS,told him to go live with his dad & threw him out,he was only 12. Showed up on our doorstep crying. Thats what got the ball rolling for us. So we called police, told them what she did, took statement from SS, and he stayed w/ us for over a month, approx 6 weeks . BM tried to get him home, but their was nothing she could do at that point. Then we started building our case, went to lawyers to tell him what we wanted to do, went to SS school, spoke with all guidance counselors, and his teachers to fill them in on what happend, and while he was with us all of a sudden his grades went up, an F to a B,etc. Then the courts appointed a family counselor to meet w/ us and do evaluations on us, and that assisted the judge w/ the decision on custody. All the while BM, was making a fool of herself. Sounds like yours will do the same. Most people like her really crack, and go off the deep end when they are exposed. The family counselor also met w/ SS teachers, and they gave us a glowing report. We kept in close contact w/ anyone who could help us. Also, I know this sounds extreme, but if you notice your SS, looking raggy, or dirty, take pictures of him, and give them to your lawyer. Its alot to do, and its not an easy battle, but sooooo worth it in the end. Just be strong, dont cave in to the harrassment, or engage in arguments. She'll want to fight with you ALOT when she gets her summons to go to court. Just let her get worked up and she'll hand you all the ammo. you need. Good luck , hope this helps....feel free to ask me anything, I will try my best to assist you. Meshel

When litigation is pending, never EVER have a personal conversation with the other side about ANYTHING, no matter how innocent it may seem. You never know what they may have up their sleeve and what may seem to you like a completely innocuous question may really be a trap. A little paranoia can be a health thing when litigation is pending. Our old stand-by is this reply, "I don't feel comfortable discussing that with you while there is still a court case pending. Let's let our attorneys handle it, since that's what we're paying them to do." We've also used, "My attorney has advised me not to discuss that with you." Don't engage in any undocumented conversation whatsoever and, if you must communicate due to arranging visitation or whatever, try to do it via email so that you have a record of every transaction. And take photos, like Meshel says, of anything that would indiciate neglect. Document the date, time, circumstances, etc.

What will likely happen is that the judge will not hear any arguments regarding extemporaneous issues at that hearing, even if there's nothing left to say on the arrears. He'll likely dismiss it and move on to the next case on the docket. You'll having to have a separate hearing to address other issues. I think you guys have a lot of ammunition already. And don't worry about the arrears, if he's been paying it down, hasn't missed any current payments and has it paid off or at least way down by the hearing date, then he has absolutely nothing to worry about.

~ Anne ~

When my BioS dad took me to court over custody I was soooooooooo ready for him. I had documented everything-right down to exact dates and times for six months. I could tell you every time he refused to let me have our son after his visitation, every time he screamed and cussed at me over the phone--no e-mails he wasn't very into the e-mail thing. You look so good when you know what you are talking about in court.

X had nothing--come to find out his attorney hadn't bothered to tell him to write anything down--I had a binder full of info. He looked like a complete ass on the stand. It didn't take long for the judge to see that he had done nothing but make our life a living hell for months--Go For it, just be ready. My Attorney had my X stammering and stuttering for words on the stand.

Hey and tell BF to relax. I agree he has nothing to worry about. If I remember correctly you have to be severely delinquent--I'm thinking like years of non pay- for anything as drastic as jail. It's one thing if he had never paid a dime of his support order--but that doesn't sound like the case. I would definately pay it off though just to make the X look insane in court. Good luck.

I really like the 'don't give them what they want approach'....

She is obviously dying for a reaction...she can't even shut her mouth , sit tight and wait for the paperwork...she can barely contain her excitment at the latest drama...and has to ask 'get any paperwork? huh? did ya? huh? did ya? Did you check? huh? ...sad.

She's dripping with anticipation of the drama..that's so obvious.

DON"T GIVE HER ONE SHRED OF COMMENT ON IT!!! NOT ONE!!!! COMPLETELY IGNORE HER!!! SIMPLY SAY "NO COMMENT" or "TALK TO MY ATTORNEY"

It's THE BEST way to make her suffer a little over this..!!!

I'm telling ya, She will loose what's left of her mind!!!

I am only speaking from the other side (a mother who has a deadbeat dad in her life) who owe's roughly $8,000.00 in past due child support. I can understand the ex's frustrations and the thrill of knowing your BF was served only because I have had those exact feelings in the past. You might see her as the B*tch. But it's not so simple getting child support to send out an enforcement letter. And as a parent dealing with a deadbeat let me say that child support really makes it easy on the deadbeat dad's who tip toe around the system as if they mean no harm or it's not intentional. In my case my ex did not work "on the books" he just did odds and ends here and there. And everytime we went to court he would just spew the same old excuses. It made me furious! And at the child support hearings they speak to the deadbeat but usually the mother is only allowed to let the courts know any additional info because the magistrate doesn't want to hear all of the bickering.

I have made my ex's life hell in hopes that he would pay something just to get me off his back. I have cursed him, threatened him and wished all the worst on him and anybody who associated with him for the mere fact that I knew he was a deadbeat dad, and it made me mad that he was enjoying life while I was living paycheck to paycheck praying that I could keep my son in the nice school and pay the household bills on time.

During all that time he was partying, drinking, romancing, the works - included being arrested several times for getting another girl preggo and beating her up nearly every month until she was around 7 months and she decided to move out of state or risk losing her life to him. But when she met him she defended his deliquency, wanted to be supportive and thought I was the EVIL one yet now she is living in another state, has a daughter two years old and doesn't get a dime in child support - I told her this would happen. So, she shouldn't have been surprised.

But anyway this is how he worked the system. He would go around 7 months and not pay a dime, I would hound child support every single day because according to the court order a writ was supposed to be issued if he became deliquent that meant they were supposed to arrest him. But that wasn't the case... LOL Big joke... Instead they have to send out a letter of address confirmation, that usually takes a few weeks, then they have to send him letters asking him to comply or come in to make arrangements, then time passes and they have to re-confirm his address through the us postal service, they they schedule a court hearing. He pays a purge payment "the standard $500.00" and that will usually stop the proceedings. But if we go to court he will sit and look stupid and when I try to tell the magistrate about the partying, the drinking, the arrests - and how angry I am at the system in general they tell me to HUSH! Last time I told the courts they could arrest me, because I was going to say everything I had too. But still she ignored me! LOL Because a contempt hearing is only to discuss the past due amount, why it's past due and what plans the deadbeat has to make it up. They will usually increase the monthly payment so the additional money will go toward cutting down the arrears. This didn't bother my ex because he will go 1-year with no payment and pay a purge, make an arrangement and it's just a continuous cycle.

Until last court hearing. I did some research online and found out that I can actually file a Notice of Interrogation at the hearing. This means I get to ask 10 questions in front of the judge, and have them answered in front of the attorney for child support, and magistrate. They were really embarrassing questions and I also had copies of all his bank accounts, credit cards, etc. so he was screwed. I was upset because child support should have done this in the beginning. I also asked in the questions if it would be fair since he was found in contempt 5 times prior & never kept his word to make good on his payments if spending time on house arrest until a job was secured would be a good idea. And should the magistrate consider it. I also put down that this was how I wanted him to be punished if found guilty. So, he paid a the purge payment & never showed to the hearing. He signed a promisary note with child support and has paid faithfully for the past three months, not a day late LOL

He also sent my son a card for Christmas claiming that he wanted to be responsible and become a better person and that he hoped his son and him could be close in the years to come. He also bought son an Xbox 360 @ $450.00 and a bluetooth wireless headset @ $50.00 along with some other stuff when I took him up to visit. He promised me he would pay on time and get his head out of his butt. However asked if I would help erase some of the arrears. Which I agreed too, only if he can pay on time for one-year. So, we will have to see how that goes.

But I can understand her cursing him, threatening him and wishing harm to him. Because it's so frustrating when your dealing with a deadbeat. I'm sure her only motive is to make him pay by being a thorn in his butt. By law she can do it, if it's only to discuss the deliquency and his failure to pay. The courts told him and me that.

However asking her child to snoop through your closets is harrassment as is discussing other issues that don't pertain to his deliquency.

If I was you I would advise BF to pay as much as he can to pay back the arrears and keep on paying and after some time has passed then he should petition the court for sole-custody. If you feel the child would be better off with him.

I am also on your side because my BF pay's his child support faithfully and gives even more "much, much more" so that his ex won't take him back to court & increase tbe child support amount. But while he is giving her most of his paycheck, she is giving us the kids "FULL TIME" and it's driving me insane. The kids are always sick, the house that she own is infested with rats and roaches and when I spoke to his daughter yesterday she told me that she wants to live with us but her mother said if she lives with us that she is not ever welcome to see her mom and her mom will write her off and never speak to her again. Isn't that sad! So, we are going for custody and I already printed out all of the paperwork to do so and have kept notes of all the issue's I have had with her & her neglecting the kids. What's funny is she doesn't come after me - because I think she know's that I know how the system works. Or maybe she knows that I am the better mother who knows. But I have rambled on and I do apologize but I just wanted to explain why biomom might be so mad at your boyfriend. Think about how you would act if you were in her shoes and you were left to care for his child living paycheck to paycheck without support from him. It sounds like she is a crap mom anyway but it's hard when the other parent doesn't meet his obligations and is a struggle on the other parent who is providing for the child and if he has done it to her, who is to say he wouldn't do it to you if it ever came down to it.

Just let her be angry, be patient and hopefully your BF will make good on his past due arrears and you guy's will gain custody so this child can have a healthy environment to grow up in. Take care.

Julie (31)
Bio-Children - Son under 1 with BF, Son age 11 from previous relationship.

BF - Son under 1 our's together, Daughter age 20 from prior marriage, son age 14 & daughter age 10 from previous relationship.

In my fiance's case - and I believe Nymh's BF's case - he is not in arrears because he went off partying and didn't feel like paying for months at a time. Julie, I understand your situation, but please don't jump to conclusions that everyone's case is just like yours.

BM filed for CS 2 years after they separated and the exhorbitant amount she was awarded (60% of his take home pay) was retroactive for those two years. So he was in arrears of $3000 before we even got started! Now, his take home pay puts him under the federal poverty level and after paying his minimum payments on his credit card debt that SHE racked up during their marriage, he literally has NOTHING left to put toward a) arrears and b) our household. He would be homeless if it weren't for me footing every bill. The courts were totally unfair to him. He is expected to live off of $800 a month. That wouldn't even cover rent, let alone utilities, food, travel expenses, and let's not forget their marital debt. He gets stuck with all the debt, none of the assets and she's sitting pretty with no job, but a nice steady income from her ex and her daddy and the state.

I don't remember the details of why Nymh's BF is in arrears, but he's doing his damnedest to pay it all off. He's not a deadbeat like your ex is. He's been putting every last dime he has into paying it off. BM of Nymh's SS is neglectful of her son and vindictive to her ex. She is seeking drama, not payment of CS that he "doesn't feel like paying."

Just thought I'd come to Nymh's defense on this one.

Caitlin, Julie & Nymh all have valid complaints and make good points. I think the frustration, anger & resentment with support payments in all cases comes from a lack of fairness or deception from one side or the other.

In my case If hubby's X was legally entitled to support ... based on truth & fairnes...fine. But based on lies, bogus rent documents drawn up by her BF, etc.....of course not.

If any Dad makes a child...he is finacially responsible to support that child...period. The frustration comes from someone (usually the woman) using the court system, loop holes, lies, gender bias, etc for their own vendictive purposes....to inflict finacial hardship on a man for that reason only!! To me that's completely different.

I would qualify for spousal support from my x...because I was at home raising kids for most of the marriage while my education grew obsolete and he continued his education..etc. But after child-support what would he have left? Would that be fair or vendictive?

I'm on both sides.....my mother should be recieving alimony from my father...she is not. He is buying up toys left & right, while she scrimps for basic neccessities...her fault for not filing.

I don't think Julie in jumping on anyone in particular...she's just sharing her point of view as the victim of a true deadbeat....

I think any order for anyone to pay anything MUST be fair and based on facts.....that's what's frustrating for everyone dealing with the court system. I think the courts are often a very corrupt place..where the facts just aren't important sometimes. Family court is a very 'closed' system...it doesn't make front page news..decisions arent broadcast for all to hear & analyse..judges aren't held accountable...or held out for mass public scrutiiny the way criminal law is. That it itself makes it vunerable to corruption....and the whims of individual judges..etc.rather than how the legislation intended the law to be applied.

I believe...That's where the frustration comes from...on both sides of the support equation..

Oh ya!! I've got a guy here at work..under a garnishment order for CS..and he tells me Maintenance Enforcement take every penny of his income tax refunds. And when hubby was paying CS & SS he had to file a copy of his court order with his income tax forms...so they could verify that he was NOT in arrears.

Ps I don't know if that's different in the States ...

In colorado they can garnish tax refunds if the obligor is in arrears, however, I am not sure about other states... That is something to look into!

My fiance's tax refund went over to BM to go toward the arrears last year and we'll probably do the same this year. I don't remember if it was just his idea to do it so he could pay it down some or if he's required by law to hand it over, but I would definitely tell your friend to look into it.

Just to mention....my BF was in 'arrears' at one point too
But not because he decided to not follow a court order...or an agreement....
there was no order ..to follow...for 6 months....then it became a retro order....bamm!! just like that..instant 'arrears'...

PS

Also in my guy friends case...the mother is telling the 1 child that lives with her..that her dad is a deadbeat...because he doesn't pay child support. But she didn't pay him a dime when he had both kids for 2 years!!!! What did she call herself...technically she owes him a shit-load of arrears...for that....

And the both kids spend 70% of the time with him....although one is supposed to be living with his X..

SO go figure!!

...is the system. No matter how you look at it, whether you're the visiting parent who is paying your heart out or the custodial parent who is anxiously awaiting needed CS checks that don't ever come, I blame the unfair, cumbersome, blind, bureaucratical, disorganized, heartbreaker of a child support system. Sometimes the kids get supported and sometimes they don't, sometimes you pay too much and sometimes you get too little, but in just about every case the process is so freaking convoluted that at best it's a pain in the ass and at worst it can destroy lives, security and financial stability.

~ Anne ~

Nypmh,

I am sorry, I didn't know that your BF was current and it was just the arrears. In my case they included the arrears in his monthly payment. Like Cheri said about the $10.00 going toward arrears each month, in her friends case. So, I was kind of confused as to why, if he is current, can she take him back to court?

Now I am really confused. She shouldn't be harrassing the two of you or her son, if he is paying. I tried to work with my ex on numerous levels. But he's stubborn and loves drama. But now that he see's that I can take him to court and play thing's my way, his tune has changed dramatically.

I didn't mean to upset you. And if I did, I apologize.

But if something has been discussed it's the controversy of child support. I believe it's really messed up and yeah, some guys pay more then they should and others don't pay enough. I get both ends with BF and my ex. I have my ex who I am trying to work with, just to get some money. And BF who gives everything and more. And it's funny when we Ex and I initially went to court they asked me if I wanted to go back two years in arrears. My ex flipped at the mere possibility. And I said I will go back one year in arrears because the first year I gave him a run on his own, hoping he would pay just a small amount toward caring for our son and that didn't happen. And I filed because I gave him advance warning. Which he couldn't deny.

But in your case, I would just ignore her because it does sound like she is just trying to cause trouble. Also during the divorce did your BF keep any receipts that he paid for childcare, gifts or that any time was spent with him because this can be deducted I believe at the court hearing because they do take everything into consideration. At least that is what they are supposed to do.

Cheri as for getting the tax return. As far as I know in the state of Florida a letter is sent to the IRS advising them that a certain percent is supposed to go toward the arrears. My ex has just never filed, because he was never on the books

But anyways. I just wanted to let Nymh know I apologize for jumping to assumptions. So, wish you all the best in your persuit of custody.

Julie (31)
Bio-Children - Son under 1 with BF, Son age 11 from previous relationship.

BF - Son under 1 our's together, Daughter age 20 from prior marriage, son age 14 & daughter age 10 from previous relationship.

I agree how the system is messed up. BF works his ass off every week and has very little to show for it. His pay check after taxes and child support is $246.00. Tell me how anybody can survive off this. In the mean time BM barely puts in 20hrs per week, collects her child support filed for CCPO ( daycare supplement, WIC,medicare and the Lonestar card. Now the CCPO her mother collects and gives back to BM and pays her bills. She has no rent because her mother owns the trailer she lives in. Her tax return was well over 3500.00 and she had no problem running out there and buying a new pickup that a 20hr per week job could not pay for. So the well needed child support goes to the truck payment.
BF has a 1993 vehicle which is getting close to it's last leg. Fortunately truck payment is only 260.00 per month so monthly income is 984.00 - 260.00 = 724.00 then there is gas and insurance. There really isn't much left for him, how do u pay rent, utilities? most place rent for 500.00 and what about food... oh that's right he don't qualify for food stamps. So while he is busting his ass he is suppose to starve. But it gets better, he has his son every weekend so now he is paying double child support. Buying all the things he needs for our house. We can barely get her to part with 2 cans of formula per month. I am the outsider to all of this we are not married but I too provide for our family. He is very thankful for our struggles because we have made a difficult situation a very happy one. We work together to get through the struggles life has. I have a two bedroom house, I have a newer vehicle we both commute in. We both know things could have been very different for both of them if our relationship wasn't as strong as it is. I don't know where he would be, or if his relationship with his son would be as strong. I find it very funny how the other day the BM had the nerve to tell him how she was doing this all on her own and how he has me and my income to help. Has she forgtten the weekly checks? or the governments helping hand in all of this? You know I feel she has it pretty easy not everyone is lucky enough to have the BF who pays his child support on time and takes the baby every weekend so she can party without regards to the care of her son. I guess by her pointing out how he has me and my income makes her feel better by sticking it to him. I mean really.... is anyone keeping her from finding someone or is it just because she wants us to feel sorry for her?
I know being a single parent cannot be easy, anytime she feels like it is just too much believe me BF will be there waiting with open arms to relive her of her duties.
What doesn't kill uswill make us stronger.
Kim