My brother had a similiar situation with his son and they developed a rule - If he bought something for his son, it stayed at his house. He would put his son in the same clothes he came in at the end of his stay. That way, my brother wasn't losing things. Try to explain to the children that it is a new rule and there is no room for negotiation. I am sure they have plenty of clothes and toys at mom's house...

We are flexible on this stuff....
The stuff tends to be where the kids are ...so they can have access to it....
The ps2 goes back & forth..as the kids do..(if they want)
We 'lend' our protable DVD to my X when he takes the kids on long trips...because that's who uses it..the kids..doesn't matter to us 'what vehicle they're travelling in'..
X is a skier...we aren't...but he sent their new skis (for christmas) back here with them...they'll probably only use them when with him. But they may go with friends and want them here....I would prefer he stores them...at his house because we have so much stuff to store here...but whatever.

If the kids want to use the 'good stuff' when with you..they have to speak up...and be responsible for taking it back & forth..or learn to do without. Make sure you drive that point home whenever you can.

If Your in the car for an hour...say..."Oh too bad you guys didn't have your dvd player..it'll make the drive go so fast." Or buy a new ds game for your house only.....make sure it's a really coooool one..."Oh wow..you guys forgot to bring your nintendo..that sucks!"

I think there's a way around this stuff....that's not so confrontational. You can also Make a deal..sign a contract..that they are to bring it with them for visits because that's what your parents want...for them to be able to use it...when they visit too.

But I think if you play your cards right..the kids will insist their mother let tem take their stuff back & forth.....and she will be the bad guy for withholding stuff .. not you.

I don't have to deal with that kind of BS! How embarassed would I be as their mother...to send my kids in old ripped stinky clothes??!!!

It's rediculous....

Unfortunately for you, I think that once the kids receive their gifts, these items belong to them and they have the right to keep them in whichever household they want to. That said, it certainly is unfair to you to send $4200 in support AND supply all the clothes, toys, etc. for their mom's house and then continually replace all the things that you buy with more stuff because it all disappears.

I would suggest compromising. If you know you have special places to go and need those nice clothes because BM always sends them over in rags, then tell them they can pick x number of things to stay and x number of things to go, however you see fit. Same with the electronics. Let them choose so they feel like they have some say. Maybe the dvd player stays and the nintendo goes, but just let them know that it's important to have things to do at dad's house too. Tell them that they'll have something to look forward to each time they come to dad's. Hopefully that will lessen some of the protests, because they're not going to like it.

Do you guys have them every other weekend? Try to put yourself in their shoes. They get all these cool gifts and then they're told they can only have them 15% of the time. I'm not saying you don't have a very good point, but the kids might have a good point too. If you are feeling resentful, it may be time to stop providing all these things, knowing that they're going to want to take it back to mom's.

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place because BM will always be like that and the kids will always try to be loyal to her.

First, you and your BF need to be on the same page. He doesn't want to stand up to BM because he knows she'll throw a two-year-old temper tantrum, but he'll disagree with you because he knows you won't. Explain to him that it is important to YOU, his PARTNER, that the boys keep some things at your house and it is not HER decision and she can throw a hissy if she wants, but you guys will ignore it. He needs to be supportive of YOU. Who is he with, anyway?!

Then, BOTH you and your BF will sit the boys down and explain to them that the gifts they received from your family will live at your house. Unfortunately, you can't reason with an unreasonable person, so you just have to make a parental executive decision and stop this ridiculous cycle. It is unfortunate that BM is so jealous and insecure that she can't even allow her kids to have fun at dad's house, but like I said - that's not HER DECISION!

Just make sure the boys know that this is not a "punishment." Let them know that they have two homes and that you want to provide them with nice things for them to have in this home. Again, remind them that they will have some great things to look forward to when they come over.

I hope this helps! We deal with a vindictive insanely jealous BM too, so I know what you're going through!

I may put my foot down too in that case.....
With an explanation..that the stuff is for 'both' houses and because your mother won't allow it to come back to our house...we HAVE to keep it here..until she learns how to SHARE....

We wish it could go back and forth....but feel sooooo bad that it has to be this way and we really wish we could all cooperate...so you get to use your things whereever you are.....

I know your not supposed to 'meanmouth' the other parent....but to me....there's meanmouthing.."Your mothers a bitch!" or making up stuff...that just isn't true....

AND there's being honest..and stating facts...

And at 13....I think they can 'handle' some 'truths' in life...
don't go overboard.....don't make it a habit....but THAT'S THE FACTS JACK....

I think it's sooooooooo stupid........and as a biomom.I especially don't get -it...it's the kids that loose!!!

I do believe ..like when dealing with ANY BULLY!! When put in such a position...you do have to right to 'defend' yourself.....don't start anything..try to walk away..defuse the situation..but eventually there comes a point..where you fight back.

All you got to do is 'kick their ass once' and they'll leave you alone...

Why should you look like the bitch for keeping the stuff...when it's her fault that it even has to come to this.... I'd make sure SHE WEARS IT!!!!!

It's almost like she's set you up...and you 'play into her plan' by keeping stuff ...it gives her ammo to turn the kids against you.

Make sure it 'backfires'.......

With us, sometimes it would be months between visits due to BM denying hubby's visitation. So we generally just let the kids take their stuff with them, otherwise they might never get to see it again. But I think if you get the kids on a regular and frequent basis, then I would certainly keep the high-dollar items at YOUR house. For one thing, it gives them something to do when they are with you. Clothing is a little different, in my opinion, but maybe you can compromise on that, too. Let them pick out one or two items to take, if they want, but leave the rest at your house. Send them home in whatever they wore to your house. Explain to the kids that they have two homes and it's okay to have things at both. If they don't like it, well, when they turn 18 they can pack it up and take it wherever they want to take it.

~ Anne ~

We keep SS stuff at our house and no we don't let him take it home, otherwise he will not have stuff to play with.

-happy mom

He keep ss stuff at our house too. Clothes, toys ect...

I don't really have any advice or support, but something on a related note to say. BM sent me an email claiming that SS had told her that we told him that any presents we bought for him would have to stay at our house, this had better not be the case, my child has the right to blah blah blah. We never said this! I really don't think that SS even told her this because she claims it was told to her while she was on the phone with SS on his way home from visitation a couple of weeks ago...but if SS had said something like that BF would have heard it and would have set it right.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

If the item was expensive, we kept it at our home, period. And for the most part, SS brought items to our home whenever he didn't want his brother and sister, on mom's side, to distroy it. So, our house was the 'safe house'.

We had a huge problem with clothes. Often, BM would send him in crappy clothes, rags, and he would change into our 'riches' and when it got time to send him back to her, we'd put those rags back on him, in a bag, whatever. Well, eventually, the clothes started to get way tooo small for him, and he wasn't getting anything new from her. We, of course, bought new stuff for him that he kept here. So, we started to just send him in our clothes, no big deal to us. Just clothes for crying out loud.

But, she started to really rage at us that 'her clothes' weren't coming back, or because we sent him in her 'dirty' clothes (so she thought... guess we didn't do laundry or something...geeshh.), or if we didn't have time to wash the clothes we'd put them in a bag and send him in ours. No big deal to us. But nothing was ever good enough for BM... it was just another form of attack for her to use.

It got to be a pretty bad problem, because soon, she started to hoard 'our' clothes, and we eventually had nothing warm or decent for him to wear to school. All the while we were using all of her crappy stuff. SS on his own, started to 'exchange' the clothes... he wore her jeans back, wore ours the next time... and so on it goes. To this day, he still sort of does that. If we bought something, he is pretty good about making sure that all of 'our' clothes come back... even though we don't care about it, they are HIS clothes! lol But his mother made such a deal out of it, that now he just stuffs his backpack when he gets undressed... sad he has to feel responsible for stupid clothing!

ARGGHHHH....