I am struggling...
I feel like such a monster sometimes. My SD has been with her BM for the past few weekends (we only have her for the weekends) due to extracurricular activities and DH work schedule and I have enjoyed not having her here. Now we have her this weekend (Christmas weekend) and I am resenting it. I had to play off my bad mood to having sinus problems / headache because I am ashamed to admit I am resentful of a 6 yo. It would upset my DH because he understandedly loves his daughter.
Part of the resentment is SD is not his flesh and blood, but the result of an adulterous affair by the X. Unfortunately my DH didn't discover this until the SD was ~ 2 yo and he had already bonded with her. Because of this we have to endure the BM who is not mentally stable and the SD is like a miniature version of the BM. It is very difficult to spend every weekend with the "X".
I struggle with these feelings of resentment and wish DH and I could move on with our lives without SD and BM. I know this sounds terribly selfish and that is why I feel like the evil SM. I have difficulty accepting the SD into my heart. I do not have my own children and it seems SM are expected to accept another woman's children as her own and to love them unconditionally as her own. I can't seem to do that. I feel like I am letting my DH down. I love him dearly and would do anything for him. Why can't I seem to do this? To love his daughter as my own? To be able to accept her as my own as he has done. We have talked about this at length and he is somewhat aware of my feelings. He has compared it to us adopting children and accepting them as our own, but my contention is we would not have the bio-parents as part of the equation as we do now with BM. We would also have any adoptive children with us 100% of the time, where we would be able to greatly influence their behavior. As it is now, the BM has the SD 3/4 of the time and it has been a battle every weekend because of different parenting modes.
This post is mainly to vent my tumultuous feelings, but I would welcome any comments. I feel I am letting my DH down and that is the last thing I want to do. Does anyone have any thoughts on how I can let this go and be happy with the status quo?
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Comments
Been there, done that!
Hi, Dee! You are not alone in this one and your feelings are 100% understandable. I've been there, too... my husband's oldest child was the result of his ex-wife cheating on him. His name is on the birth certificate, but paternity has since been established in her bio dad and he's the one that gets visitation rights and pays child support, despite the fact that my husband raised her as his own daughter for the first six years of her life. But that's another story.
Everyone resents their stepchildren at least once in a while, whether they admit to it or not. Hell, everyone resents their own biological children every once in a while! (Read my post from the other day about what a demon my 3 1/2 yo daughter is.) It's hard enough accepting these children into our lives, let alone our hearts... it's even harder when they are 100% biomom's child and 0% your husband's child. This situation is tricky and trying to pretend it isn't is insane and unnecessary. It's hard to know what to feel.
You're not a monster, you're just someone who is caught in a situation not of your own making and I think you are putting expectations on yourself that are unreasonable. No one said you have to love your stepchildren or even like them. I have days when I wish mine would just disappear. I think everyone does. Especially in our situations, it's hard to look at that child's face and see anything BUT the mother and her betrayal of your husband. It's hard to look past it and see the child for anything other than his ex-wife's offspring, conceived during an adulterous affair.
But this kid is just a kid, just like any other. She didn't ask to be born to her mother, any more than you asked to fall in love with her dad. She's going to push your buttons, because all kids do. Maybe you have something in common... neither one of you has a biological connection to him, but you both love him and he loves both of you. Think about how special that makes him as a father, to love and want this child, in spite of how and with whom she was conceived. That takes a really special man with a really huge heart and guess what? YOU get to spend the rest of your life with him!
It took me a long time to get over the fact that my oldest stepchild wasn't even really my husband's child. We don't have to pay CS for her, but we do include her on our insurance, military benefits, etc. out of want, not out of obligation. We don't have any legal right to visitation with her, but we always ask to include her when we get visitation with the other two kids. We are not entitled to be around to help her celebrate her birthdays or the holidays, but we do go out and get her gifts. She's as much "our kid" as the other four. It's been confusing to her growing up with two dads, not to mention a stepdad when her mom remarried, and it's been hard for us not getting to have the same legal standing as her other two sets of parents. Over time, we've gotten to a place where we are all as comfortable as we can be with the situation and we even have a good relationship with her other dad and his wife. It didn't happen overnight, though.
You are entitled to feel what you feel. Vent here and get it out of your system, allow yourself to feel whatever you want to feel and then just do your best. It will get easier, I promise!
~ Anne ~
You're not a monster... you're only human.
Anne brought up a good point... none of us can pick and choose who are parents are and children aren't easy to begin with. I think that Anne is right to point out that this is, after all, a child and I would like to add- who without your DH would not otherwise have a father figure, I assume. (In less the BD is in the picture too, then I guess that is a different story.)
Do you feel that the time spent with SD is taking away from you somehow? Does he just go all out and focus all his attention on her when he sees her? How long have you felt this way? How long have you been married? I only ask because I am trying to understand your situation better. I don't really have much advice to give other than there are alot of women out there that do not care for other people's kids period.
I love and adore my SS, but I've known him since he was 3, and have a pretty good bond with him now. I find that it appears the older the child is, the harder it is to make a connection, and with your situation, I think you are looking at it from a different angle and trying to analyze it biologically, rather than that of just family.
Thank you all...
for your comments and thoughts. As I told Anne in a private message, I have good days and bad days. I wrote this on one of my bad days. Most of the bad feelings come from the struggle of having to overcome the bad parenting on the BM side. The SD is in control at that house and fights to be in control at our house, so it is usually a struggle when she is with us. I just get worn out sometimes. I work all week and just want to relax and enjoy my weekends with DH and when SD is in one of her "moods" it blows the whole weekend to hell.
Thanks again to everyone. I appreciate all of you guys out there. Here's to a Happy New Year!