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Nymh's picture

Submitted by Nymh on Sun, 09/17/2006 - 1:57pm

Well, you all know that bf had that conversation with SS. Biomom had been urging (my nice way of saying bitching endlessly until it gets done) bf to have this conversation for weeks. When the conversation didn't go the way she had planned (i.e. SS telling bf that he hates me and hates coming on visitation because I'm always around, doesn't feel close to his Dad because of me, asking questions about Dad living with me or why he left biomom - all things she WANTED him to say but of course he DIDN'T because he doesn't really feel that way), instead of dropping it she decides to go a step further.

Now SHE wants to talk to my bf. SHE has things that SHE needs to address with him regarding these issues. She left a message saying that she needed him to call her to talk but she wasn't going to be home until a time later that evening. She didn't even wait until the time she had given before she started her griping about him not contacting her. AND if he doesn't contact her, she's going to get her attorney in on it. OK...

Well anyway, I hope they DO talk. I hope that BF can get it through her head that SS is not a pawn and she needs to quit treating him like it. Maybe he'll be able to show her how much it is hurting and confusing SS when she is constantly negative and trying (but failing) to manipulate everyone. Would it be a good idea for SS to be present for the conversation? I'm a little afraid that biomom and BF won't be able to talk to each other without screaming. However, I feel like she is right, just with the wrong reasons. These things DO need to be addressed, just not in the way she thinks. Maybe with SS present he will be able to ask the questions of SS in front of biomom and prove to her that no one is lying or trying to cause problems but her.

Please someone give me some guidance or advice about this type of situation. I know everyone reacts differently but I have mixed feelings about this meeting. I don't know how it will go, if SS should be there or not yadda yadda...Is there anything I can do to help my BF prepare for this, or should I just leave him alone? And what should I be prepared for? Sorry I'm asking so many questions but I've come to really respect and count on you guys!

Comments

hopeful's picture

Submitted by hopeful on Sun, 09/17/2006 - 2:36pm

Sorry Nymh...I called you by the wrong pseudo name. Maybe that is why I am having such a great happy weekend....I have lost my marbles! Sorry again for the typo...I wonder where my mind is...perhaps that was a freudian slip or something!

Nymh's picture

Submitted by Nymh on Sun, 09/17/2006 - 3:33pm

I didn't even notice until you pointed it out. It doesn't bother me, it's a common mistake. Besides, there are much worse things that you could call me than that Wink

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

Bobbi's picture

Submitted by Bobbi on Sun, 09/17/2006 - 2:53pm

I don't think SS needs to be included in this conversation. He probably already feels caught in the middle of everything.

If your BF is open to it, I think you should have a talk to help him prepare for the discussion with his ex. I hope your BF is strong...my BF's ex is a real pro at twisting a conversation, so that everything ends up being everyone elses fault but hers.

Just my 2 cents...

Let us know how it goes.

goldenlife's picture

Submitted by goldenlife on Sun, 09/17/2006 - 2:59pm

Nymh, you should be involved, too. She's making this "all about nymh" so you are critical to the discussion.

We went through this with my DH's ex before we were married. She was always saying nasty, untrue things about how the kids felt about me but it was just her projecting her own insecurities onto them. We all got along fine and she couldn't stand it. The only one on the outside looking in, was her.

My DH called a meeting to let her and the kids know, once and for all, that I was here to stay and they were to respect that and just get used to whenever they saw him, they would see me. I was to be respected at all times and if I told them to do something they were to obey. She didn't like it and brought up lots of petty insignificant things, but they all got the point, loud and clear. I sat quietly by my DH (I never said a word) and let him handle the whole thing. We presented a united front with him leading the way, as it should be.

We were all there, kids included and she had to back down on a lot of the nonsense she and her older daughter (by another relationship - we still don't know which, but that's another story!) had been saying about me.

She didn't change but it did wonders for our relationship to see my DH stand up to her and the kids and lay down the law. He's very good about that!

Candice's picture

Submitted by Candice on Sun, 09/17/2006 - 4:29pm

I've been so down this road Nymh...and I can just read this bm like my journal of the bm of my ss. She is so manipulative that she thinks the discussion will only be her talking, everyone else listening, and you two will be making the necessary changes...

In our past, b/c bm was impossible to communicate with, we involved dispute resolution (which is a lawyer and counselor) helping you to negotiate any changes. Or, go see a family therapist and have that person help mediate a meeting between bf and bm.

We did try this avenue recently, only bm wouldn't show up. The therapist did want me present b/c I offered a lot of valuable information that sometimes dh forgets, or is too frustrated in the moment to remember. We were not going to have ss there.

The last time we had a family meeting with a therapist, ss was there and was really angry about being there and had a hard time sitting there, and the therapist moved him to another room b/c he just was so upset.

I'm sure there will be many more meetings in the future...I would suggest the first one be w/o ss. If things don't work from there, then have another one and have him present.