I probably wouldn’t do it but I’m too far in now. I used to sleep a lot better. I have a lot of anxiety now and generally don’t feel very good about myself in general. I used to have friends and interests other than pleasing my husband and being a free nanny to his child. Im a childless stepmom. I believe I would be lonely at first but after months passed if I left but I would be better off I believe once I regained my independence again, new interests and eventually started dating again. This marriage has taken a toll on my self esteem and for what? To raise a child who isn’t mine who has no appreciation for me and for a husband who has very little appreciation for me as well and is too busy regardless.

I would of, but I would of put my foot down sooner.

And I think I would of stopped pushing so much.

I would have done it all over again. I couldn't have found a better partner in this life. We have 15 years under our belt. I guess I wish I would have had the wisdom back then that I have now and maybe certain aspects of this relationship could have been easier, but all in all I have to say she was worth all the stress of the skids and more. I hope to be with her until death do us part.
I try to remind myself that I could have ended up with a cheater, an abuser, a liar or a jobless loser who put everything on me. My SO actually supported me for a few years while I battled depression so severe that I had difficulty holding down a job and she was nothing but loving and supportive although it must have been incredibly stressful for her. It's not always easy to be optimistic but I remind myself at least once a day that I am lucky to be so loved and appreciated for even the smallest things that I do for her.

Three years in, if I had known what to do, as I do now, then we would be fine this far along. I am twelve years in and the whole shit show fell apart for good about 2 years ago. What I learned that would help me came along too late. I think that is why I want so much for those who are here on ST, because if you can get okay with yourself before you lose all the love and respect, then there is still a chance

"If you could go back in time, would you do it again?"
Not a chance in hell. IF I had a partner who put the relationship first, respected and supported me and we worked as a team then my answer would be yes.

Yes - but I did not marry a man with a minor child. If SS as an adult had still been living with DH I probably would not have given DH the time of day.

My DH had evicted SS (about 22) just before I met him because SS had tried to get violent with him. SS is about 6" taller and 50 pounds heavier than my DH. But DH was special services in the Army and trained to kill people. DH told me he was afraid he would kill SS if forced to defend himself.

DH loves his son very much. He is so happy that SS is no longer living on the streets. SS even held a job for over a year after years of working under the table either busing tables or something similar in cruddy places.

I don't even regret trying to accept SS32. DH asked if I could try. I did. Didn't work. Done.

DH and I have a very stress free life now that SS32 is totally out of MY life. DH can see him as he pleases, but SS is dead to me.

Yes I would......

just a bit different but yes.... will disengage from day 1 from the brat and not belief her crocodile tears saying mummy does not want me,
I will not bail him out financially and buy 50% of his house, He can move in with me lol....

Yes but I'd do it differently, if I had my time again I'd make it clear to SO & BM that I wouldn't be taking any responsibility for their DD.

Like many others, I love my DH and want to spend my life with him. I could have avoided a lot of trauma by disengaging and keeping stronger boundaries from the beginning. I should have put my foot down much harder. I also should have treated them to my complimentary sarcasm once in a while.

Yes.

The only thing I'd have done differently, is put BM in her place myself instead of pushing DH to slowly do it. Then again, I say that, but things might not have turned out so good for me had it happened that way instead of how it has.

Month three:
I told DH that if we have any kids I will probably treat them better bc they are my kids(I told him that I am not the skids mom and i believe both parents should take responsibility- I cannot respect a man as the future hubs or daddy to my kids if he does not discipline his current kids.)
If he is a packaged deal with his kids(his words) I get to be a packaged deal with mine. This made some lightbulbs go off for dh. No more disney dad. No more catering to the BMs. No more listening to MIL tell him what to do. No more no rule parenting.

That said there are many things I did not anticipate. It is a process with LOTS of ups and downs. So far it works.

Right now I would do it still/again but we are so new that my inner B has not fully awakened.

Hindsight is 20/20. There are many decisions I might have had us make that were different in the past 15 years (mostly business type stuff). But, in the end, now that we are through with the CS years and custody issues (both SD's out of the house and living independently).. I would marry him again.

Now, if you asked me that question during some of the stress times with the BM.. I might have had a different answer..lol.

I would marry my husband all over again, but I would do so many things differently knowing what I do now. Namely, I wouldn't have wasted the first 10 years on trying so hard to please my skids.

Yep- I would be far less keen to get involved with his kids- just didn't see it coming that they would almost destroy us. They were never great, but I thought I could deal with it as I had dealt with most things in my life, but this one defeated me.
I would have written some rules for only going when I really ever felt like it, but I was so willing to please I forgot that I was still in charge of my own self and should have trusted my instincts. I made some bad decisions back then but I'm putting it right now...
and... I wish I hadn't told my OSD that she was a great mum when she monopolised my birthday meal and turned it into the OSD drama show- I should have told her that she was shit, her kids were shit and DH was a shit parent!

Yes I would. I love my DH and we have always been good together.

I would change two things, knowing what I know now. I would NEVER engage with my Skids in any way. I would do as I do now, I would treat them with respect and always be civil, but never engage. Second, I would never lose my individuality.

After 38 years, I am totally disengaged from my SD57 and SGD34 (mother/daughter). If I had never "become friends" with SD, my marriage would have been easier.

By "becoming friends", I ended up being DH and SD's puppet. I let this happen over many years and then they formed a bond that excluded me, after all the years I trusted and loved them, I was crushed.

I regained my freedom and am now leading a peaceful, independent life. It was shocking to them, in a way they never expected, when I walked away; I did so to save my marriage (38 years). My SD and SGD are history to me. They have a relationship with DH, but I have nothing to do with them or their families. OSS59 and YSS53 are respectful and kind to me, because I never engaged emotionally with these men. When I met DH, OSS was 21 and YSS was 15.

So go the lessons of life.

I am now here on steptalk and will never leave this site to maintain my disengagement. Thanks to the support and counseling here, I am back to myself.

No, I was to young to really understand that DW and Bio Dad will always have a connection. That she wanted kids with him and not me.
She didn’t want to start over. Even throw she said it. It’s seams that the kids came first Bio dad came second and I was third.
Bio dad did nothing with his kids, but I get blamed that I didn’t do enough.
I love my wife, but she did thing to me that she would never do to bio dad.
All I wanted was to start with a clean slate, that did not happen.

Definitely, but I would go in disengaged from the start.

DH and I have been married 5 years now and just recently do I really feel like his wife. At first he was treating me *fair* just like ss32, it was crazy making to be treated on equal footing like one of his kids. I'd never been in a step family situation before and had no idea what was normal and what was bassackwards messed up.

I would do it again but it'd have been nice to have known what I was in for and went in detached from skids approval with boundaries up. Having adult skids I thought, "no problem" we'll all be friends...ha ha I was seriously clueless.

I posted this on the other thread that is the same.

If I could turn back time, I might honestly never have dated my exH.

I know, I know that means I wouldn’t have had my kids at all. I love them with all my heart but if I could have met and married my DH and had children with him, I might just take that option.
If my memory was erased, like in that TV show Twice in a Lifetime, I think I’d go that far back.

Then there’d be no divorces, no exH, no BM. We’d be an intact family with hopefully 4 kids.

I would've insisted on extensive counseling before I would've married him. There were red flags but I was just too inexperienced and in love to see them. Now, I know but then, I just didn't know better.

Absolutely. But my step-daughter isn't the step-daughter from hell, so it's easy for me to say yes. DH does a great job with her, and with our own kids. Of course everything hasn't been sunshine and rainbows. Especially when it comes to her grandparents (on her mother's side). And honestly at first I had trouble forming any sort of bond with SD. If you had asked me this a couple of years ago, I'd have probably answered a reluctant no. But today I feel I can answer yes.

Definitely not and that's coming from someone who really loves their DH and couldn't imagine life without him!

I took my skids on (shared custody with BM) when they were both in nappies so it was pretty much the full two decade commitment. Like most, I was naïve and didn't understand what I had taken on. By the time I did fully understand the required sacrifices and complete lack of reward, I felt trapped as I didn't want to lose DH and we had built a life together.

I made a choice to stay and battle it out and I own that choice and while I wouldn't say I dwell on regrets, I definitely would not make the same choice again as life with skids is certainly not what I would have wanted for myself.

A lot does depend on circumstances though I think. Although DH and I are not particularly aligned on parenting and have had to work very hard (and always will) to reach compromises, I don't have any of the other issues people on this site have with their DH. I'm included in ALL decisions regarding the skids and am an equal parent in my house and feel completely respected by both DH and the skids. DH has also always made me feel important and an equal priority to the skids. If he had done anything less I would have walked.

The main issue for me is my SD12 - I've just have never bonded with her and actually really dislike her. Spending half your life raising a child that you can't stand is just really exhausting and hard. Feeling guilty that you're damaging her self-esteem because you often fail to hide your frustration and dislike just makes me feel guilty and terrible to boot. Every way I interact with SD is a lie, when she cuddles me I feel myself wanting to withdraw and instead have to force myself to cuddle her back. When she talks to me I want just want her to shut up and just when she tells me she loves me I almost choke sometimes having to lie and tell her I love her back when I don't even like her.

Especially when I've bonded so well with her brother (SS11) and she sees this.

Sigh, it's such a tough gig - who would seriously choose this if they could go back?

Not only no, but Hell No! I would never have left the home and life I loved to be a disrespected wife and SM of adults, never would have had to put up with dismissive and emotionally abusive behaviors. You wait too long to make a move and you're now looking after someone with dementia. If I had a do over, I would have never married anyone and adopted my own children.

NO way!!! When I met my partner his kids lived abroad. I met the adult son then the daughter. I disengaged from her fairly quickly as I saw straight through her ...liberty-taking etc. She got pregnant fairly quickly and now has to hustle to survive....

After his daughter ruining my Val's Day last week when he had told her we were going out to dinner that evening and she turned up at 8:45 pm to pick up her 9year old BRAT with the story that the lady she stays with was in hospital, I asked my partner this morning what were his daughter's working hours, as she has been turning up at 8:30 to 9pm to pick up her daughter. He said she finishes work at 5pm and sometimes 6pm. If she works about a mile away, WHY THE HELL IS SHE PICKING UP HER BRAT SO LATE?????? He said that his daughter tells him she is going to the gym.....I personally think she is seeing someone and is using her father for FREE BABYSITTING and so forth..HIS DAUGHTER AND HER BRAT DO NOT LIKE ME AND I DONT LIKE THEM OR MY PARTNER'S WORTHLESS SON.........

I think my partner is being taken for a free ride by his daughter...He will not hear a word said about her behaviour, I myself cant stand the girl or her BRAT.

Now he has informed me that she will be dropping of the BRAT early 2marra morning and he will put the BRAT on the bus to school. I asked WHY??? He said that because she has to cross the road. I said why cant her mother do it? He said she has to work early.

I myself go upstairs and he has to look after the BRAT. NOT ME!!!

NOW THE BRAT has changed into pyjamas. I hope the BRAT and her mother are not planning to stay overnight...they hate ME and when it was the BRAT'S birthday last month, they had some sort of celebration but I was PERSONA NON GRATA. What gets me MAD is that they plan things and do not inform me. I REMEMBER YEARS AGO SHE WAS TRYING TO EDGE HERSELF INTO MY HOME TO LIVE. I SOON PUT HER STRAIGHT..

I am guilty of showing my distaste for the BRAT AND HER MOTHER...

IF I COULD TURN THE CLOCK BACK NOW, I WOULD NOT HAVE GOT INVOLVED WITH MY PARTNER IF HIS KIDS HAD BEEN IN THE UK WHEN I MET HIM......

ABSOLUTELY NOT! No man is worth the depression, pain, anxiety, anger, and invisibility that comes with living with skids. I'd give anything to tell my 32yo self to hit the road. I grieve the loss of those years.