When do you giveup.
This weekend really got to me.
Saturday SD12 party day, only one kid ended up coming. It was her fault no one came and only hers. Any way we decided to go bowling, DH had to work, I like food and home so it was fine. Any ways I take SD12 to bowl and eat with her friend. Everything goes great.
Drop her friend off and bring SD back to our house. At this point BM of sd9 (two different kids two different BM, i know right lucky me), says SD9 wants to come over. SD9 is so excited to see us.
SD12 didn't want to make the almost 1 hour drive one way to go get SD9, so I tell DH to hang out around house with her spend some times with her I will go get SD9. (which they ended up riding four wheeler, having a great time. so I was happy for him).
So I drive almost an hour to get SD9, pull up to the house BM is at work so SD grandparents are watching her. BM knew I was coming, was totally fine with.
BM's mom invites me in, SD9 is hysterical, I don't want to go. Please don't make me, in tears, full blown fit. Then at this point BM's parents begin to unload on me how bad of a dad DH is and how no wonder she doesn't want to go. He was never there and he still does not try. He doesnt love her, and how awful DH is as a person. (at this point I was SD9 if I could talk to them alone for one second, after they have already said this in front of sd)
I can't really fire back like I want, I am in their home I have to have some respect. I point out nicely how BM refused to let DH see her for the last two years. That ever since the new man came into BM life, BM has cut DH off.
Of course BM has told them that he never tried to see her, at that point I pull my phone out (we both keep screen shots on our phone just in case one phone breaks.) and show them. They act surprised. They still pretty much tell me they hate DH (who blames them they knocked up their daughter and ran away in there eyes).
So they end up telling me SD doesn't want to go they are not making her. I tell SD I love her and we will work it out. Then make my hour drive home. ( I was pissed, if DH would of went his temper would of got the best of him so I am glad he didn't go.)
The next day BM text pretty much saying she knew SD didn't want to come but she thought it was funny to make us waist our time. DH does not have court mandated visitation with this child. He is working on it as of last week.
She pretty much tells him that he is not going to see his child, that she doesn't care what a judge says. They never put moms in jail, she has all the power to get over it. That SD does not want to come, and I see why. The entire BMs side as filled SD head with how bad DH is and how awful he is and he does not love her. What child would want to go into that.
Then continues to say that SD hates me and I need to be out of his life. The his kids should come 1st and I am nothing but a horrible person. ( I am partial to myself of course but I honestly treat that kid the best, I baby her, I am calm with her. I do everything to make her happy when we do see her because I think at her moms life sucks. So for the little we have her we can give her a good life.)
So our crazy bm is back and worse then ever. I DH wants to just let go because he knows it will never change, and he believes a judge will not do anything. It will just be a money pit of lawyer fees and nothing will ever change as long as BM is filling this kids head with all these horrible thinks. If your taught your entire life the world is round, its pretty hard to change some ones view thats it flat. Your raised with one view on everything is it even possible to change it.
Whew! I wish I had any advice
Whew! I wish I had any advice for you but instead I just wanted to offer some support. I am fortunate in that my skids BD has never been in the picture by his own choosing. I have never had to deal with anything like this. I just wanted to say that you sound like a very lovely step Mom and like you handle tough situations with a lot of poise and maturity. My hat is off to you as I can imagine that if I WERE ever in a situation like this I probably would have completely blown a gasket. Best of luck navigating this tricky situation. I believe in karma and I am sure everybody will get their just desserts in this situation. Hopefully others have some actual advice for you!
Are you asking about
Are you asking about disengagement, or about your H stepping back from a high conflict BM?
stepping back, if these kids
stepping back, if these kids are in his life they are in mine.
I like kids most days lol. I am a big kid myself. It do get annoyed by the kids but who doesn't get annoyed by their own kid from time to time.
Its more of a question should DH force a child to come when the kid is having real anxiety because of what BM has told her and shown her. Or should he just let SD come when she feels comfortable. Which may be never as long as BM keeps filling her head.
How has BM kept DH from
How has BM kept DH from seeing SD9 for 2 years? What was visitation like before that? What is it like now? If there is nothing court ordered now DH needs to take care of it and get visitation ordered. Then he needs to enforce it. He is a long way from making a decision not to see his daughter.
I will admit until she was 2
I will admit until she was 2 he didn't have a thing to do with her. (BM demanded he be with her or never see his kid, he still had a ton of hate for BM, she admitted to poking holes in condom setting him up. Which still is not an excuse. He worked past it and at 2 he started reaching out.)
From 2 till 8 (she is almost 10) he would get her every other weekend even if it was an a few hours to having her all weekend. When BM found her now ex husband she cut off all contact and this is when the break downs began. They do not have a court order, that is what he is working on now.
DH needs to decide what he
DH needs to decide what he will do..... go to court demand visitation, get a CO... if he pays CS it's his right any way, but as soon as there's a CO BM can be locked up for content, she's dreaming if she thinks judges are all pro BM, she might just get the judge who will give her hell.
Seeing she pulled this stunt, never go and pick SD9 up again, DH can remain in touch with her through phone calls etc, and this should stay this way till there's a formal CO in place.
Maybe DH should up his game, tell this crazy ass BM, fine I don;t want to deal with you or your daughter, I'm going to make sure the court gets me out of this, I'm going to hand all parental rights over to you and I'm going to remove myself from the birth certificate, this means no more CS....
(If BM believe crap like a judge will support her behavior she will believe DH lol and change her tune)
She always offers for him to
She always offers for him to sign his rights over. She would love it, she said she doesn't care about the money. I think using SD is to get her revenge for him not loving BM.
Idle threats.... if she does
Idle threats.... if she does not care about the money why is she not wavering CS then?
What she says is bogus, to her it's all about the money, she wants the CS and everything should stop there, she does not want him in their lives, a simply open wallet that's not hers is all she wants, she sees it as payback for sleeping with him
I know most people are going
I know most people are going to say "never give up!" But the psychological damage these super crazy broads inflict on their kids while aiming them like weapons at dad is permanent.
It's certainly not an easy choice, but after years of watching your child being abused simply because you want to see them? Yeah, I can understand stepping back so hopefully the kid doesn't suffer more.
This is what I am thinking.
This is what I am thinking. Even if we get her every other weekend, BM will still put things in her head to make her feel like she is going to be in hell at our house.
BM will always be the one who is right in this kids eye (at least for now). DH wants to see her, but SD9 has anxiety attacks when she comes over.
Is it worth forcing her to come over when BM has her little mind so twisted. DH is to the point he will send gifts on the holidays, ask her every weekend if she wants to come over, and keep in constant contact. But let SD make the choice.
OMG, just document
OMG, just document everything. In my state, they certainly do put moms in jail for this after a judge gets sick enough of her not following court orders.
They even put children into care once this goes so far.
If he was never married to
If he was never married to the mother, he has a very slim shot of winning anything in court. It is a way different set of rules and outcomes than custody involving divorce.
yes never married just a
yes never married just a booty call. I agree its harder.
Thanks everyone for the view
Thanks everyone for the view points. It seems as if this is just a huge mess and their is no right answer.
DH and BM were never married, never even dated, they were booty calls to each other. And only knew each other around 2 months when she got prego. They stopped talking for a few weeks, then out of no where she says hey having you baby. I came into the picture around a week after she announced she was having his kid. So BM hates me, I am the reason they didn't work out. When in all reality me and DH just met at weird time in his life that made it look like that.
The few times SD has come over shes fine for around 30 mins to an hour then it starts every time. Crying, screaming, in the floor hits, refusing to breath. She wants to go home, she hates us and our house. Its hard to tell if its an act or if its real. She has to go check on mom. She needs to talk to her mom. DH has told her she isn't going to talk to BM until she calms down then she just goes off the wall. DH will even tell her BM will be here in less then 2 hours to get you and she does not care its still a huge blow up it has to be then.
I believe SD has to strong of an attachment to her mother. Me and my mom are best friends, but what SD has is to much.
The thing that really started the refusal is when SD came over, she was suppose to stay the night. All the sudden she tells us she has to go home, the BM is getting beat by stepdad all the time. Then tells us all these story's about how it happened when it happened pretty detailed.
SD12 let sd9 use her phone to call bm and BM came to get her. We had no visiation rights so we could not refuse her taking her. BM told us it was all lies. We call social services and SD9 tells them she never said it. Social services believes her and that is when we stopped getting to see her.
At the time we were smart enough to text bm about what SD said, she admitted she has been saying those things. And she would talk to her. Social services didn't care that we could prove SD said it and BM was making her lie.
BM tells SD we are just trying to make sure she never gets to see her again. And that we are horrible people.
So the real question in SD head our house is horrible, she hates it here. She truly feels that way. Is it worth putting her thru that just to spend a few hours with her having a melt down. Or should DH just keep trying but not force her to come over. Call text ask her every weekend to come over or see him. Let it be SD9 choice. Or tell her with a court order she has to come over and deal with her being total unhappy and scared.