I don't know about others that have gone through this, but my couples counseling experience taught me that:

1) I needed to go by myself, which I did when DH refused to go back after 2 sessions

2) I could not change my DH...I cannot change anyone

3) I needed to stop spending time being mad and instead, change myself and my reactions

4) No one can make me mad...I am the only one who can allow this to happen

5) I do not ever have to walk on eggshells

6) I can speak calm truth about my needs, thoughts and emotions to anyone. If the receiver gets mad, that is their issue, but I won't go damn insane with the BS of step life just because the rest of the players in this Barbie playland scene work harder at pretending life than living it!

Go be good to yourself and love yourself more....:)

The therapist might not agree with you.
They certainly won’t berate your DH and tell him he has to change.

So if that’s what you’re looking for, no it won’t work.

As Veritas said, go for yourself. Get some tools to learn how to live with his blindness to his child and his emotional shut down.

You can only change yourself, so go get started and change your expectations from him to yourself.

I have been to counselling a few times in my life- but never with DH. All that counselling taught me was to look out for myself, even in relationships. I have/had a friend who is a counsellor and she advised me to speak to DH about my feelings- that was a year ago. I spoke to DH and hell broke loose-since then we have not shared a bed and I disengaged from my skids. Although it has been difficult (but not quite as difficult as you may imagine) the 'conversation' with DH should have happened years ago- I don't regret it. I no longer see my counselling 'friend' who has no experience of step-life and thinks everyone should split up even though she has been married for 50 years!
Everything that Veritas says is right- this is what counselling will do in my experience. It will just tell you to stop blaming everyone and be responsible for your own actions.
I cannot see another reason for me to go to counselling, except maybe a sudden and close bereavement which I hope will never happen.

Went to marriage counseling with ex-dh and it did nothing for my marriage. Ex would agree to things in session but never follow through in our day-to-day life.

More recently I went by myself. I learned a lot about myself, how to set boundaries and deal with emotions and situations (DH/hateful SD) and I loved it. Very helpful.

"My DH dan't recognize or accept the fact that he has raised and enabled a full blown narcissist SD. He says I am crazy to even suggest SD doesn't like me, is selfish, abusive and etc. Will he listen to a professional? Can DH be taught to understand about the cycles of co-dependency, enabling and enmeshment?"

Even if he does recognize this, it will not change the fact that he loves his child and wants to spend time with her. He will never see her as you do. If you are going through the effort of trying to convince your DH of his SD's defects, I would stop beating your head on the wall - it won't matter.

The only good thing that happened in couples counseling for me was that the counselor told me "he has the right to see his children." She then looked at DH and said "your children are adults. Do you want to stay married?"

Everything else was a waste of time and money.

As several above said, you need to define what you will and won't put up with. And that is where individual counseling is very useful. I think learning about boundaries is the best thing you can do at this stage.

DH and I went before we got married and it helped. It was our last resort before we would have broken up or moved forward in our relationship (marriage). If it had not worked we would not have gotten married.

My husband also suffered a traumatic childhood. He sought therapy on his own for these issues for years. He also tried couples therapy with his first wife. I believe first wife has her own issues (their therapist diagnosed her as borderline personality). My husband is also conflict adverse and shuts down at the mere mention of anything uncomfortable. I also have a problematic adult SD who is entitled, jealous, narcissistic and displays a holier-than-thou mentality.

Early on we went to couples therapy to deal with our triangulated relationship with adult SD who was living 1.5 hours away. My husband was very willing to go because he thought his previous therapy experiences were helpful.

I can't say we're fixed. I disengaged a year ago and that has been as helpful to me as the therapy was to us. But here's how I think it can help. When we discussed the SD issues, my husband physically slumped, became sullen, ashamed, and literally couldn't speak. Even if I spoke quietly, calmly and matter-of-factly, he shut down. This stopped all hope of any improvement. With a third party therapist to engage him, he couldn't shut down. That gave us a chance with the therapist to iron out some ground rules that helped - SD should not travel with us every time we go to see his family on the other coast; SD's calls do not need to be answered when we're in the middle of a dinner party; husband should not be lending my things to a SD who won't speak to me; he must physically sit where SD cannot "hang" on him, drape herself on him.

The other way therapy helped us was in those he said/she said situations you describe - those things I saw as problematic in SD but that my husband would excuse away. I'd say "SD should respect us enough not to call while we're on our honeymoon to talk about a lawsuit filed against her mother by someone who tripped on her sidewalk, and YOU should know better than to be on that call for an hour." Husband would say, "SD was just really upset that her mom was getting sued and she needed to talk to someone." The therapist saw right through this and intervened: "SD is an adult. If she needs someone to talk to about her mother's lawsuit, how about her mother or her own husband? SD needs to learn you will not always answer the phone just because. By always being her go-to person, you jeopardize your own marriage and hers. She needs to grow up now that she's grown up."

As I said, I am disengaged, so I can hardly say therapy fixed us. But it was very helpful 1. for me to hear that the weirdness of their relationship and SD's manipulation was, indeed, SD never having heard "no" or having any boundaries established because he felt so guilty about his divorce. At the time, it helped husband to be told that he needed to set boundaries with SD too, although his base position will always be that there's nothing wrong with anyone anywhere anytime. And 2. to have a guard keeping him from shutting down long enough for us to set boundaries about phone time, visits to see family, etc. For the most part, he's stuck to these rules...kind of...but if an issue arises, I am quick to remind him, "Well, the therapist said..." and it sometimes worked.

The third area therapy helped was in my head. I had never been married, never had kids, and I was used to dumping a guy when the going got tough. But now I was married and stuck. I was becoming someone I didn't want to be. It was suggested by acquaintances that I was jealous of SD or that I was interrupting their father/daughter relationship. Being his new wife, I didn't know how the hell to not interrupt this weird father/daughter thing that was so different than what it seemed before we married. The therapist set husband straight: I should not be painted by SD as an interloper in my own marriage. She also showed him how his inaction with SD made me exactly that - an interloper, the other woman, the third wheel.

I don't know how well long-term therapy works. We tried with two therapists for maybe a year and then moved away from them and SD for several years and never got back to it. But at least for me, it was helpful. I think my husband would say it was helpful also.

Childhood trauma is a hard for spouses to deal with. I'd say go for therapy. And understand that it doesn't have to be decades of therapy or even years to make some impact, but I think both parties probably have to buy into it (or at least agree if they're going, they will abide by what a therapist recommends) for it to have an impact.

Didn't work for us. We both agreed on what the counsellor said. I would be more empathic for my spouse in regards to how tough it is with her son and he would move out within a month. Although I became more empathic with her feelings, he still stayed. No sense going back ever as everything is always the step parents fault.

I think it can help, it did for my DH and me, but only if both parties are open and committed.