I'm not 100 percent clear on the situation here, but if I'm reading this correctly it seems as though you gave advice to your SD about her ex-husband. While her child was undergoing serious surgery.

If that is indeed what happened then to be honest you overstepped your bounds. If SD is 48, and you've been married for 30, then she was already a young woman when you came into the picture - you didn't "raise" her.

To lecture another adult that they should forgive someone is a bridge too far. Sorry, but I would find it sanctimonious too. Forgiveness has to be something a person is willing to do. And to offer up this lecture during such a stressful time was not very thoughtful.

If I were you, I'd learn to disengage from your adult skids and do so now. Go to the forum on StepTalk which is dedicated to those who are practicing the art of disengagement and you will learn how it can help bring peace to your marriage and your life.

You didn't over step IMHO. You advised that your SD not withhold information from the child's father regarding a significant health issue and surgical procedure.

She is a characterless POS for willfully denying this child's father the right to be involved and supportive of his child as his child goes through this challenge.

I would have called this child's father myself and served that POS SD up on the shit platter that she deserves for her manipulative crap. The SD's shit bird sibs are no better IMHO.

Barring any additional relevant information that may change the view of the issue of course.

I hope your DH keeps his head on straight and has your back. His POS spawn are write offs IMHO. Write them off and don't let them back into your life.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck.

She didn’t tell her child’s father that he was undergoing a surgery that he might not survive!

You were absolutely right to tell her she was wrong about that. Unless he’s a danger to her or the child he has a right to know about this.

Now, the rest of it is all step crap. If you want to stay married, disengage. Stop doing anything for these women and tell your DH that you won’t ever have anything to do with them again.
Then leave it up to him.
See how he handles them and make your future decisions based on what he does.
Not what he says he’ll do.
Not what he wants you to do.
Not what they do or say.

There seems to be a whole lot of upset over the years.

You should have stayed disengaged from five years ago when you first wrote here.

https://www.steptalk.org/node/120285

Just focus on your own life and marriage and disengage and leave the three women alone for now.

If it's one thing I learned, step relationships are in a class of their own. Otherwise acceptable behavior can become raging war if a stepparent (or stepkid) is the source.

Steps should be handled with special consideration. If you typically give unsolicited advice to anyone in ear range, just don't if it's a step. It will not be appreciated. If you make an off-color joke to your best friend, fine. If it's a step, just don't. It will be repeated and used against you. If you normally don't take a hostess gift when you visit friends and they're are fine with that, your steps won't be. STEPS: EVERYTHING BY THE BOOK.

Protocol, manners, etiquette all exist for a reason - to make sure you don't make a literal or figurative mess. Dip your soup away from you when you eat so it doesn't spill into your lap. Always write a thank you note so don't appear ungrateful or dismissive. Any offense others might forgive will be logged and regularly referenced by your steps.

So while your advice may be heartfelt, the steps will register the source and it will be unwelcome. On top of that, your SD may see your advice as meddling in her personal relationship. And also, you don't really know what the situation is with her ex, but what if she has a good reason for keeping him at bay? For example, my mother always wanted me to marry Harold. But as I got to know Harold, I found out he was AWOL from the military, was stopped for a traffic violation and caught with an unregistered gun, and had credit cards in other peoples' names. I was freaked out and scared of Harold, but my mother STILL says she wishes I had married Harold. I don't want to get into it with her because I don't enjoy talking about Harold, but I sure wish my mother would stay out of it because I briefly dated Harold 30 years ago.

It appears you've had a bad relationship with your steps in the past. With that in mind, know your place now and step lightly. Friends give advice. Parents give advice. Lawyers give advice. You will always be her father's wife. If you are really concerned about her kid and absolutely must impart advice to her, convince your husband she needs to hear your advice and let him do the deed.

Regardless of what OP's step daughter may think about her ex, SD had a moral obligation to call the bio father OR send him a letter by post informing him of his sons surgery.

SD is not a decent human being for keeping her ex in the dark no matter what.

JMO

Back up and stay out of the entire situation. Nothing you say or do will ever be acknowledged as helpful or worthy.. and everything you say will be perceived as wrong or ill-intended. After years of dealing with obnoxious step kids and crazy bio mom, I've finally learned that a SM simply can NOT win. The only time I say or do anything whatsoever regarding my adult SKs it's a means of self-defense or in defense of my family. Your comments to your SD were exactly the type of comments mental health professionals might recommend under the circumstances. Forgiveness truly is an act one does for their own peace of mind and well-being. Supposedly it's healthy. However, I'll never forgive my SD. And I'm more than good with that. One would think your SD would accept your words as well-intended and concern herself with her son's health situation instead of creating a bruhaha when none exists. Her own kid facing major health issues, surgery, and unknown consequences, but she just HAD to take that dig at you. Good lord.. that just about says it all.

You weren't wrong and shame on your husband for turning his back on you just because his evil children have the grandchildren and can threaten to take them away from him.
I don't know if I could respect him after that
If you do decide to stay remember you are a disgusting person so
No money for presents
No money to help them out
No having them over
No cooking cleaning babysitting for them
No help in any way shape or form

Most of us SMs have been through a lot and had to disengage from our SKs. Outsiders who haven't experienced stephell have no idea what it is like, have not been privy to every interaction, and we don't appreciate people judging us and making unhelpful comments about how selfish, etc, we are being.

It's the same thing here. SKs don't want advice from you or anyone else regarding how they deal with their relationships. We aren't experiencing their problems, and their relationships are none of our business.

So I'm voting for sanctimonious.

Stepmom for 25 years, first of all, a big (((HUG)))!! Something you said struck a cord with me: "I am coming to that realization maybe way too late in this scheme of things." I think that is maybe key here. And, thank you for your post, by the way. It proves my point that whether you are a GF of three months, a SO of five years, or a married SM of 25 years, you can and probably will be treated like the inferior/ outsider.

I think the real issue here is not on the advice given or how it was even given, but whether or not it is okay for SM to give ANY advice, period. This is why it is better for SPs to focus on feelings vs. details. Because if you give too many details, there will always be someone here who will say you misinterpreted or were out of place or should have minded your own place, or should have sucked it up and took it, and so on.

Let me start by saying, you did nothing wrong. All you did is give advice where you thought it was needed. People do it all the time. Parents, aunts, uncle, friends, co-workers, and so on, always give unsolicited advice, and rarely does the world end for any of them. But, for some reason, you throw the term SM in there, and all hell can break lose. You are accused of overreaching your bounds or otherwise. You are (usually) the older adult, you are dad's wife, what affects dad also affects you, you have experiences and so on. You are not out of place or overreaching, or any of the other terms people like to throw out there. You are just another person giving advice, based on their experiences. Nothing wrong with that.

A SM does not have magical, psychic powers and know, before the words ever come out of her mouth, what this SK will find offense, what BM will find offensive, what MIL will find offensive, what this particular relative will find offensive, and so on. Some people, whether they realize it or not, seem to think a SM does or should. This needs to stop. SPs, just like anyone else, don't always say the things we want to hear. And, same with SKs--they don't always say the things we want to hear. But, unlike SKs, SP's advice (dare I say--just like a parent's) is usually coming from a standpoint of experience and wisdom gained through the years. It is usually not given to poke the bear, so to speak.

SO, I'll repeat my usual advice: A SM has to do what works for her no matter what anyone else may say, because no sooner do you do something, then there will be someone right there every time insinuating it is wrong. It is just too much to expect anyone to have to count and analyze every word, every action that comes out of their mouth. Most people know this, but again, for some reason when you throw the term SM in there, all hell breaks lose and suddenly SM is Evil SM for overstepping her role and for not being a mind reader.

Re: this earlier comment, "I am coming to that realization maybe way too late in this scheme of things." You are correct. Your DH should have started, way back when you were dating, making sure that he treated you as his GF, SO and then wife, and making sure that his children saw you and treated you as the same. You treat children like children, spouses like spouses, exes like exes and so on. Since it has gone on for so long, if you want to remain married, your only option at this point, as others have pointed out and given links to, is some level of disengagement, and again, find what works for you!!

Anytime you say something that someone is offended or hurt by it's best to eat your humble pie and profusely apologize, even if it was well meaning. Be harder on yourself than anyone else could ever be.

You could say, "SD I know you were going through a very stressful time and my advice on the situation was poorly timed and insensitive. I overstepped my bounds by trying to tell you how to interact with your ex. You're right, my advice came across as sanctamonious and I have no way of understanding what you're really going through. I don't expect your forgiveness for how rude and imperceptive I was." Of course add personal touches and really ham it up.

I've given a few apologies like this and honestly it's kinda fun being really hard on yourself because it throws people off. They're expecting you to defend yourself and continue the fight, the last thing they're counting on is an apology from you and hearing that they're right. You may even get them to start apologizing to you for overreacting...don't count on it in this situation but I've had it happen.

I know you were well meaning and what you said was with good intentions. Most people don't want unsolicited advice, generally they just want to be heard and have their own situations affirmed. Like other posters I think she should have notified her ex about his sons surgery but it definitely isn't your place to suggest that.

In a nutshell, profusely apologize then disengage.

Wow, you have been through the proverbial H2ll and back, several times over. It always feels like 5 steps forward and 20 backward.

Your DH needs to have your back, always. Ive learned this much, he needs to stand by you. You are his partner.

Yes, they will always be his children, but he needs to let them know that they are being immature a$$es.

From your post here and your other posts, Im certain there have been many successes, but it sounds like many more drama-filled non-successes. Its a broken family, wit broken people (toxic - they sounds toxic).

Disengaging in the only recourse. Im not sure that apologizing will do anything. I suppose it might be worth a shot, for your peace of mind, but I also agree that SD keeping her ex unknowledgeable about his own child and the surgery, that is very unacceptable.

However, consider this - if they were toxic family 30 years ago, why would they be any different now? Why should they change? Changing things would imply that they were wrong, and they dont seem like they realize that what they did and how they treated you is wrong.

Take the higher ground.