Just keep ignoring EVERYTHING she does.

Keep ignoring her. She sees that you don't care so that is why she is doing the things that she is doing, to try and get you to pay attention to her or at least remember that she is still there. I don't think it's so much as competition with you as it is, trying to do something to keep herself relevant in your household/life.

Sometimes the best way to win the game is to not play at all. Which it sounds like you're doing. These things are more of a marathon and not a sprint, keep on keepin' on. She'll just make herself look worse and worse, thus doing all the dirty work for you.

She is trying to get him to choose, but also making sure she is front and center.

1. Face timing someone in your home she lives with 4 times in one week? She wants to be heard and seen.
2. saying she wasn't coming because she doesn't feel comfortable. In other words, "Daddy, you'd see me during the holidays if it weren't for your wife." Pretty much the same as everyone wants to see the poor thing, her siblings and father, but she just can't come because of you.

Ignoring is so hard! Disengagement for me feels like storing away events and things I notice until there is a trigger and it all comes flying out of my mouth. But I have to do it, because it's harder than dealing it every time something comes up.

Be thankful you DH is acknowledging that nothing can divide you. Let SD do what she wants and be frustrated when she does not get her desired result.

as a young 20 something one of my sds actually saw me as a romantic rival for her fathers affections. it was really really sick.

shed hint to be taken out for rides in his car on weekends in a date like trip. they stop at restaurants where i am sure she was taken for his plump young mistress because shed be hanging all over him. finally i told her to get her own boy friend.

I totally get your post, Focused. My SD57 has acted out exactly like you describe here. When she couldn't get results, she brain washed SGD33 (her daughter). Now they both play the game. SD57 finally got DH to join in 15 years ago, unbeknownst to me, until 4 years ago.

When SD couldn't get any reaction out of me, because I didn't realize what was going on; I was taking care of my career, disabled DH, and my ill mother; plus I buried my two teen bio sons from an auto accident. So I was busy and not paying attention to SD. I did see red flags, now that I look back; things were getting more and more hostile and I could not, for the life of me, figure out what was going on. I would never have dreamed DH would betray me, I thought we had a solid, trusting marriage.

Well, guess what? DH was betraying me to SD. SD was betraying DH to SGD, and the vicious gossip circle continued for almost 15 years; I was the blunt end of it all and the target for a narcissist family. Finally SD57 had a melt down, such as described here in other posts. She wrote me a 2 page hate email, which is now in the hands of my Attorney for future action, if SD ever continues with her aggression.

I read every post on here and believe me, they are excellent advice. Never have words with your SD; she is not worth it. Your DH has your back, you are a lucky lady. Ignore your SD and let her dig her own hole deeper and deeper. This is what my SD57 and SGD33 have accomplished. They are so angry and frustrated, they hate me; I've never responded to either of them or will I ever. Never put your DH in the middle, just let it go and move forward.

I have totally disengaged from both SD and SGD 4 years ago. I blocked them from all social media without a word, which infuriated them even more. I stepped away from it all. My story is long and has been posted here before in regards to correcting the betrayal and saving my marriage. Therefore, I won't go into that.

Bottom line: All of them made the mistake of taking my kindness for weakness. They had no idea, all the things I had gone thru in the previous years, made me the strong person that I have become. I am disengaged from SD in every way, including DH. They are on their own with their relationship, I want nothing to do with it.

I lost respect, love, and trust in my DH and our marriage. I am still with my DH, because he is disabled, I love him, and it would not be to my benefit financially to do otherwise at my age. I am at peace and I look beyond these crazy people. I am civil, so skids can visit their Dad, and totally finished with all of my grown skids. It's better to let it go and ignore it, believe me.

Some day I may be posting a different story here, if SD57 pushes it in our home; I may show her the door and slap a Protective Order against her. All the records are in place, if this becomes necessary. She will never stop, but she is toned down the past year for sure; because I demanded respect in my own home. DH passed the message on to his DD, because I told him I would take care of it, if SD brought it into our home again.

((((hugs))))

This was one thing that was always a problem with SD. She was competing with me in every aspect of our lives - and would get very angry if there was any hint that I was more accomplished than she was in anything. She was an only child who was to believe she was better and smarter than anyone else. Anything that I did that was similar to what she thought she was an expert in was viewed as competing with her and she became irate. One time she slammed the door in my face because I knew the answer on Jeopardy that she didn't. We both liked art but if DH praised me at all her nose would flare out. When DH wished me a "Happy Birthday", SD refused to talk to me for the rest of the day. It went on and on.

And, of course, she saw me as competition for her father's love - and this was the worst to deal with. It seemed as if DH picked up on this and refrained from showing affection for me as to not offend his princess.

But your SD is really playing dirty by trying to undermine your relationship with your daughter. I would not give SD the satisfaction of thinking she was creating division between you and DD. Purchase something else with the money, tell SD you had already planned on paying for the hair coloring, and let SD know you purchased something else for DD with the money she sent.