How would you reply?
Sorry this is long.
My OSD27 sent our BD17 a text message saying "heyyyy sister, I love and miss you and pray that one day we can get our sisterly bond back please tell me where it all went wrong so we can fix it".
A little back story where their relationship is concerned. SD is a product of PAS but she was always a pretty good big sister. The only thing I ever witnessed once when they were 13 and 3 (FIL, MIL, OSD and YSD came down to visit us) we all went along and showed them a tour of the state we now reside in. DH does contract work for a celebrity and we now have distinguished a pretty good personal relationship with their family (Holiday invites, etc. Rarely do we attend but the invitation is always there) but back then DH had only taken our 2 bk's and I along to pick up his check and we got to meet said celebrity. Of course, MIL, FIl and SD's heard about us all meeting the celebrity.
Back to the tour, we drove by to show them where the celebrity lives and SD's wanted to go inside so DH explained that we can't just knock on the door for 1) the relationship hadn't been established yet and 2) DH didn't want to intrude and be unprofessional. He told them he would call the contact person of celebrity (uncle)who we were closer to and have him set it up. So apparently OSD13 at the time got upset she couldn't meet him and I heard BD in the back seat saying "stop" the second time I turned around and BD was asleep and I saw OSD elbowing BD head off of her. So I just told BD to lay her head on DS who was sitting on the other side of DD. No one said anything to SD and they were probably all confused as to why I said that. Anyway, that was the only mean thing i ever witnessed but i also understood SD was probably jealous that our BK's got to meet celeb and she didn't. Surely BD doesn't remember that.
OSD pretty much made it known over the years subtly to DH and not so subtly to me (because i can read between the lines and she once told me of things her BM said to her) that she felt replaced. Though I've always tried to make sure they felt welcome as well as DH, her feelings was always there thanks to BM telling her that basically. OSD finally verbalized that a couple years ago to me right before I disengaged and even DH several times and just recently as they are trying to repair their broken relationship.
When SD sent me a mass of texts after DH banned her 4 years ago until she change her behavior in our home she became more focused on our BD and OBS it seems, probably because she started contacting them directly instead of me. So I went to a funeral back home and took the BK's only and SD was in contact with DD14 at the time and I let them stay with SD and MIL during the visit. We were there 3 days but DD texted me the 2nd day to please come pick her up. When I got there DD got in the car and bust out crying. She couldn't really verbalize what she felt but she finally told me on the way home, after the funeral that SD made her feel bad. That the day SD picked them up from my Mom's that she kept looking in the rear view mirror at DD "mad" after our YBS6 at the time called DD favorite sister. Then when they got to MIL's she was only taking pictures on her phone with our 3 DS's and leaving DD out and DD was sad and when DS's would ask what's wrong and she said nothing SD would start being nice to DD for a while then seem mad again only DD.
I knew she wasn't lying because that's the same hot/cold I experienced with SD over the years. I couldn't put it into words either until SD actually told me "I felt like the redhead SC when I came over" in one of her mass of text messages. But why target DD only? I now understand why she targeted me. Anyway DD said she didn't want to be around SD without DH or I ever again. DH did call and talk to MIL and SD but not sure what was said. Since then DD has become distant with SD except Bday texts and social media likes, etc. I did explain back when all this happened what was going on with SD and assured DD it isn't personal or her fault. We never felt the need to discuss SD issues with the BK's because we didn't want to involve them.
I'm torn now because I don't know if SD is genuine or if she is starting her games with DD because she in not getting her supply met with DH and I since we've set hard firm boundaries with her. I don't want to project my issues with SD onto DD but also don't want her to be hurt by SD. I also want them to have a "sisterly" relationship without the games. DD wants to know what to say to SD's text and I'm a little stuck on what to tell her. Here's why, because DH just recently learned via MIL (SD still lives with her and they are close) SD has been going to therapy for almost 3 years (knew that not how long) and has a DX of BPD. DH as expressed to me over the last couple months that he thinks therapy is helping her but he hasn't been around her to really tell. I don't know much about BPD as it is but the whole BPD with an adult SD who was PAS'd puts a new spend on things. Reading all this, would you all think SD is genuine? I guess I need to understand SD to determine how to help DD reply to the text. She wants to tell SD how she made her feel but wants me to help her put it into words. Do you think SD will see the error in her ways? I've heard people with BPD never take accountability and plays victim.
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That is hard, but your
That is hard, but your daughter is 17. I would let her handle it. Just support her choice and be prepared to pick up pieces if SD isn't really trying to have a good relationship.
This is where I'm conflicted.
This is where I'm conflicted. I thought the same thing, DD is 17 and needs to learn how to have her own relationship with SD or not without involving me. And because I know DD has a good judgement in character (we joke in the family she's an old soul lol) she's like me she likes to give people the benefit of the doubt once and shame on them twice so to speak. She also want to believe that SD has changed because of the text message. I just really feel in my heart that my DD will be hurt again from SD. It took me almost 16 years to realize SD will probably never change and now almost 4 years to finally get past the grieving stage of that relationship ending. I know their relationship is different but I also know SD is caddy when it comes to DD and not the boys but seems more focused on fixing her relationship with DD. As a mother it want to protect my DD from that. But I know there's only so much I can do seeing as though my DD is almost an adult and will have the final say and need to learn how to deal with different personalities in life anyway.
The mother bear in me wants to avoid having to pick up the pieces in this case lol. Tbh but I agree with everything you said.
What does your daughter want
What does your daughter want the outcome to be? Does she want to try to have a relationship with her? or is she fine with the estrangement... is she savvy and resilient enough to have a relationship that may/may not work out in the end? Can she set and protect her own boundaries?
Based on your post.. your DD is 17... and your SD is 27... it is quite possible that SD has matured over the years and maybe has realized that she played a part in the problems.. and that in reality anything she took out on your DD was really misplaced... as your DD was just a kid too and not in control of the situation.
I don't think it would be productive for your DD to respond with any detail of problems/issues. I think if she is inclined to want to open the door that the details can be glossed over.. because in reality.. most of what happened with the kids...was really not related to THEM.. but a product of the adult's problems and projections.
She could say " IDK what went wrong sis.. I think a lot of it was just due to the circumstances and it wasn't easy for anyone.. much less us kids... I hope we can get to know each other better and on our own terms now that we are adults (or close to it in my case) and can have a relationship that is independent of the ones with the rest of the family."
My DD misses the SD before
My DD misses the SD before she hurt her feelings. She wants to believe that they can pick up where they left off before the incident and wants to try again but also want to set boundaries with SD (she didn't phrase it that way but based off the reply she wants to send that's what she's getting at). But she's having trouble wording it because she doesn't want to make SD feel bad but she also want SD to know how she hurt her in order to try preparing their relationship. She also said when she reply, if she feels like SD gets upset they can go back to the way things are until SD actually apologizes to her and that "SD texted me" (her words).
That's the problem, when the incident with SD hurting DD feelings happened, SD was 24 and DD was 14. Sd was not a kid and DD was a teen and understood that SD's towards her was mean spirited. Hence, her wanting to be picked up and sobbing in the car. This is personal to DD but she also is willing to move forward if possible. Personal for me too for that matter, but I'm trying to be neutral for my DD sake and supportive of her choices without, like I said projecting. Now, DD doesn't have any recollection of the incident when SD elbowed DD's head at ages 13 and 3 when they both were actually kids and I would never tell DD about that.
Your suggestion of what DD could say would be good if DD knew of the "circumstances" (I assume u mean SD's PAS issues towards her father and I) and that's why I said I didn't want to project our (DH, SD and I) issues onto DD when helping her with a reply. This is merely about SD and DD and SD wanting to "fix" she and DD's relationship and wanting to know "what it will take". Now you and I know that SD had misplaced anger with DD but DD doesn't and I believe wants SD to explain, acknowledge or maybe even apologize for the way she treated DD 3.5 years ago. It seems so simple on what DD should say but were dealing with an adult who was poisoned and has BPD who seems to be oblivious to what she did or think it's okay to act out toward her sibling because of DH.
I'd be hesitant to let my
I'd be hesitant to let my kids have contact SD at all if she did something bad enough to be banned from our home... especially if she hasn't made amends yet.
Otherwise, it might be good to read a book about BPD first. I did, and it's helped me coach my kids to deal with their sister. Usually they're fighting over who's the best at XYZ, and if SD can't do XYZ all that well, she goes insane, obsesses over it for hours, or even throws tantrums like a 2 year old. I pretty much told my kids to agree that she's the best or compliment her whether it's true or not, and that deflates her defensive bubble, so there's much, much less arguing in our home.
When DH banned SD I feel he
When DH banned SD I feel he went overboard and told him so. Like 0 to 100. She's never really blantley acted out perse in our home (other then the usual teenage mouthing off as a teenager) but she came down to visit and was berating me to my sister in the car in front of DD saying "she wish I would have let YBS's come home (we all went to my dad's to ride their horse and I specifically planned this for SD's visit because she has voiced in the past how 'she was jealous we were down here riding horses ' in a text message to me followed by 'lol' after seeing it on FB and DH knew that I was trying to surprise her) know she was here" (they stayed the night with my dad, which was planned weeks before I even found out SD was coming and I knew she was leaving early the next morning and we didn't leave my dad's until almost 1 am. Also some other little comments. Bottom line my sister never seen this side of SD but defended me and DH (she told sister she was mad at DH blah blah).
Anyway this was the straw that broke the camel's back with me when I decided to disengage with SD. I felt she crossed the line discussing me with my sister and in front of DD. I didn't really care what she said about me to her family (which was worse) but I knew she was getting bold enough to step her game up (she's been around and accepted into my family since she was 3 and never let her feelings about me be known) and I had to put a stop to it. I told DH from that point on if she come to visit I was going to leave and when we go back home I would be staying with my family. He jumped the gun and called to ban her without even trying to talk to her first or come to a compromise with me. But I get your drift.
I will look up into the books. Thanks for the suggestion I didn't even think of that. I do really want to understand the disorder before I just encourage DD to cut her off and even help DD and let her decide. How old is your SD? Is she your BK's half sister as well?
She's 16, she's only 4 years
She's 16, she's only 4 years older than my oldest and she's here every other week, so they're pretty close, but I still wouldn't leave my kids with her alone. I think the books (I read a few) helped me have a little more empathy for her position, but also strengthened my resolve to protect my kids and stay completely disengaged until I receive an apology for her abusive behavior towards me (and I fully realize that may never happen).