If you don't want to cook for SD, then you cannot expect her to do you favors like getting out a chicken for a dinner she will not be having. She is 22. She can make her own food.

Let your gf know that what you cook is for YOU and for HER. You are not making food for SD. If your gf wants to share her portion with SD, that's on her.

It makes it tough when they live with you. The mom in me would say cook enough so she can eat too, if she doesn't....you have leftovers. But, disengage from the rest of it. I wouldn't ask her to do anything for you and I wouldn't do anything for her. At 22, I would hoping they would MOVE OUT.

You CAN disengage without completely excluding SD.

You're already cooking... what's the big deal to cook 3 portions instead of 2? It doesn't really add any extra work for you. Especially if you're cooking BECAUSE your gf isn't around to... but to punish your gf by making her have half the food you made for her... it's just going to cause issues, if it hasn't already... and based on the text you got from your gf, it's already starting to.

Disengaging shouldn't be about completely ignoring the steps... it should really be about not doing any parental duties, letting the parent do them. What you're doing isn't a parental responsibility. It's a household responsibility. You're making dinner for you and your gf, to make life easier on your GF. Refusing to add a 3rd portion, essentially forcing your gf to either give up half hers and/or cook for SD is kind of counter intuitive to what you're trying to do.

What you're doing is making your distaste for your SD crystal clear, to both of them. That's not the point of disengaging.

If I was you, I'd re-think exclusion and re-calibrate disengagement towards something a little less... in your face.... maybe have a conversation with your gf in that you feel like SD is old enough to take care of herself, and that maybe SD should also pitch in with household responsibilities - like cooking - because it's important that she learn how to fend for herself isntead of remaining dependant on adults when she is one herself.

Is this 22 year old contributing to the food bill?

It sounds as though she’s going to leave it up to the element of surprise, if the chicken was taken out of the freezer or not. Fun.

You don't have to cook her shit at 22! And then to ignore your text and not do it. And she probably wonders why you don't cook for her. These grown entitled, rude, disrespectful kidults make me sick.

Or, if your GF wants precious to have dinner available to her during the week, I’d recommend GF gets in the kitchen and does a weeks worth of meal prep.

I wouldn't have a problem making enough for everyone in the house. I'd have a problem with the grown A*s woman asking her mom to text you to see if you'll let her have any. I'd text back, no, if she can't get off her butt and ask me herself.

The evil smom part of me likes that you would have her take half of her mom's food, but that will create resentment between you and your wife if it starts happening all the time- she comes home for dinner after a long day of work and there's just a little bit. But it would be hard not to resist the temptation to just play dumb. "I made enough for everyone, SD took her part after me, and there was more than enough for two people left....guess she took more than I thought she would."

She should be helping with the cost of food, and if not, doing everyone's dishes.

1) I would not cook for anyone over 18 in the house unless there's a reciprocity; i.e. they cook sometimes OR set table/cleanup/prep. AND I didn't mind doing it. Heck, I don't even cook for my SDs when we're the only ones home sometimes - they don't want what I'm making then they have plenty they can make themselves. Everyone is ok with this.

2) If the SD, 22!, can't ask if there's any food directly to the cook then that's not even a food/cooking issue...

3) ...that leads back to mom. Seems that mom is supporting her DD by expecting boyfriend to cook for a grown woman and support that grown woman's lack of communication and household support by undermining him.

You can't win and neither can GF or SD. No matter what any of you do, it's bad. Look at the responses here: some say you're petty for not sharing; some say you're a chump cooking for a 22-year-old who refuses to even speak to you; some say GF is enabling for playing the go between...and all these responses are as right as they are wrong!

Even if you all did the "right" thing, whatever that is, someone would be slighted or feel used or neglected because two of three of you don't get along. You can't really make a right or wrong call because the real problem is three people who would never live together under any other circumstance are now living in this unnatural awkward situation. And until SD goes (and even after she goes), it will still be unnatural and awkward, but at least you won't be stuck there trying to get along WHEN YOU DON'T. I mean, god, she really called her mom at work to ask you to give her food? That is so...so...what the hell is that???

I hate cooking so I wouldn't share all that labor with I don't love. But isn't it awkward when you two are sitting there eating steak and SD rolls past with a box of cereal? At the same time, if you invited her, would SD come out, eat the food you bought and cooked, then stand up and roll out without washing a dish, cutting a cucumber or chipping in food money? You KNOW she would do that because washing a dish would NEVER occur to these ungrateful gnats. See what I mean? I don't see how any of you can win this.

So, the obvious answer is...SD needs to go. Hey, why don't you make a big meal with all her favorite foods and you can all sit down and then you can throw the agenda item out on the platter: when do you plan to find your own place or start paying rent?
A solution could be that you do strictly a renter/landlord thing: she gets use of kitchen, not your food, she cleans up after herself and rent is due first of the month; otherwise pay the late penalty. I think that's fair.