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Pregnant 25yr old step-daughter

t_bell40's picture

Submitted by t_bell40 on Sun, 03/01/2020 - 9:43am

Forums: 
Adult Stepchildren

Hi All,  I was a member and had not been on in awhile and forgot i was a member already.....lol

I come to you today with a heavy heart.  My 24 soon 25yr old only child step daughter is pregnant.  She has been on her own for 2yrs now.  I just found out about this the other day.  She is supposedly 8wks along. 

My overwhelming fear is that my wife , her mother, wants her to move in with us.  We just moved into a newly built home that i have been planning for about 10yrs.  I am thinking "OH hell no !!"   The subject came up a month or so ago when her lease was up.  I thought what kid 24yr old wants to move back home where she is suppervised all the time ???   Strange in my mind. 

So , but, my wife , her mom , has always rescued her from every thing for ever.  She is the proverbial spoiled brat child !!

In my heart , i feel sorry for that new born child to be.  :(   She can barely take care of herself.  Her room , even in her apartment, is always a mess.  I mean you look at it and say "someone is horribly depressed."  

I can't help think she did this on perpose.  Maybe it will keep my boyfriend around type thinking.  Her mom says "she was on antibiotics and that some how negated the birth control ."  I don't buy it.  

Any input would be helpful !!   Thanks,  Tim

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Sun, 03/01/2020 - 9:48am

Yes, anitbiotics can mess with birth control.  Her doctor should have told her to use condoms while taking them.  

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 03/01/2020 - 11:58pm

Oh yes. This is supposedly how SIL got knocked up.  Even though it was all over the information that came with both her BC and an antibiotic and her doctor told her. 

I think it is all bullshit and she got knocked up on purpose before her BF dumped her.  She hooked him and they had another one they could not even afford to feed about 5 years later.

t_bell40's picture

Submitted by t_bell40 on Thu, 03/26/2020 - 1:11pm

Ya, the doctor told me it would lessen the effects of birth control but i forgot.............ddddduuuuuuurrrrrrrrr

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sun, 03/01/2020 - 9:49am

Have you let your wife know how you feel? If wife wants to help babysit, etc, that would be fine, but you aren't okay with SD moving in?

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sun, 03/01/2020 - 10:39am

You don't need SD in your home, with a baby.  Yoir wife will be taking care of the baby. Your life will change for the worst 

t_bell40's picture

Submitted by t_bell40 on Sun, 03/01/2020 - 10:47am

Great sounding board !!  That is what i think too.  That my life would change in a real bad way.  It would be one thing if she was accomplished and we got along.  She's not and we would not. 

Wife thinks with her heart and has always rescued her.  So , extremely difficult for her right now. 

We are going to see a counsellor that we've been seeing lately.  She is going to tell her the same thing i am pretty sure.  NO to the move in idea.  Simply put.  But, ya, would like to give the child (new baby) some sense of what normal is like.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sun, 03/01/2020 - 1:57pm

Well, you guys can be grandparents to the baby and spend time with him/her without her living there. Stick to your guns. It does not work out well when adult skids are allowed to move in.

piegirl's picture

Submitted by piegirl on Sun, 03/01/2020 - 9:02pm

Glad you have access to a counsellor that is able to assist you. I think you really need to lay out your concerns on the table and explain how you see things going downhill for all involved. I am sure you have plenty of examples that could be called on from the last time she lived with you!

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Mon, 03/02/2020 - 2:16am

"It would be one thing if she was accomplished and we got along"

I disagree - even under those circumstances she still doesn't need to live with you.

This is her responsibility and she needs to sort things out. You can help her in many other ways but letting her move in is letting her regress and that, my friend, is not on.

MorningMia's picture

Submitted by MorningMia on Tue, 03/05/2024 - 7:51am

What I was going to suggest: YES. Talk to a counselor about this situation!  It's great to have that outside third-party view and input. That SD and/or her mom are talking about a move-in this early on (vs. planning how things are going to work in SD's so-called adult world) tells me that you all would never be able to remove her from your home. It would always be something.
You did not work 10 long years to see a dream fulfilled only to have it intruded upon by someone who is irresponsible and difficult to get along with. Best of luck with this! 

SacrificialLamb's picture

Submitted by SacrificialLamb on Sun, 03/01/2020 - 2:26pm

Your wife is super excited about being a grandma. Sounds like you need to establish some boundaries with her now. You are happy she will get to play grandma, but her DD is an adult and it's her responsibility to take care of her own child. No SD and skid moving into your sane space.

didn'tsignupforapunk's picture

Submitted by didn'tsignupforapunk on Sun, 03/01/2020 - 8:15pm

If she's big enough to create and carry a baby, she's big enough to take care of herself and hte baby. Say no. If your wife gives you what-if scenarios, just keep reminding her that sd needs to figure it out like a big girl.

Mandy45's picture

Submitted by Mandy45 on Mon, 03/02/2020 - 12:15am

Just say no all moving in will do is disrupt your life. Theres no rule in the stephell manual that you have to look after every generation that follows. Just because your married into the family. Your sd a adult if she needs to work it out she will. If she moves in with you it will prevent her standing on her own feet. 

jam's picture

Submitted by jam on Mon, 03/02/2020 - 5:45am

I vote for the "just say no". If she moves in your life will be so disrupted and your wife will align herself with her dd. You will be outnumbered & so frustrated.

My dh once mentioned his dd & her family (spouse & 2 kids at the time) moving in with us. I told him that if they moved in we would get divorced. I meant it. I knew that they would make my life a living hell. They are slobs and I would be expected to cook and clean for them.

My thinking was that if it is not going to end well anyway, just end it now. Thankfully my dh has never mentioned them moving in again.

GuiltyParty's picture

Submitted by GuiltyParty on Fri, 04/03/2020 - 9:27pm

Tough one! Yeah, antibiotics CAN mess with birth control PILLS, but who takes the pill these days when there are 100 other types of BC much more effective? Anyway, that is besides the point bc she is with child now and here you are... That's a difficult situation. You may end up having her and the baby for a few years in your home. I know it sounds rough, but it may have some up sides too. Think of that beautiful grandchild you will be able to bond with from day one. You will be helping your daughter by giving her a strong start into motherhood, she will be very stressed. Maybe you can buy a boat and go fishing just to get out of the house too??? LOL just kidding, but not really. Hope it all works out.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 04/30/2020 - 2:38pm

She is an adult not a kid.  She can support herself and her spawn on her own as an adult should.  Nope, no moving in.  If BM pushes it, she can leave and live with the breeding SD.

reedle2021's picture

Submitted by reedle2021 on Mon, 03/18/2024 - 1:26am

I agree with Rags.  She is an adult.  And now she's bringing another life into the world.  Time to suck it up and adult.  I would definitely say NO to her moving in.  If she moves in, she'll never leave.  Your life will be hell. 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Submitted by ImperfectlyPerfect on Mon, 03/18/2024 - 9:13am

Take this advice from Reedle2021...she absolutely knows this scenario just swap genders - she dealt with DH & adult male SKID. Nightmare situation - she got out. It becomes 2 against 1. Terrible dynamic - don't do it !

Lillywy00's picture

Submitted by Lillywy00 on Mon, 03/04/2024 - 7:57am

Just tell her NO

I'm really confused as to why it's so hard to tell step kids NO nowadays. 
 

No and that's the FINAL answer. 
 

Y'all didn't go lay up somewhere procreating n producing babies so that's not how you envisioned your new home nor your retirement. 
 

If you agree to this you will have 3 generations in your home, you will be built in FREE nannies for this irresponsible woman, and you will not have peace in your retirement. 
 

Offer a month of air bnb, a few hours of babysitting while she searches for jobs / housing and let her figure out how to make the bed she chose to lay in. 

Matter of fact now that she's pregnant she will have an easier time sponging off the government so tell her to apply for fast track section 8 and WIC 

Not your monkey not your show. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Submitted by Dogmom1321 on Mon, 03/04/2024 - 10:13am

No. Absolutely not. 

If SD is choosing to have a baby, then SHE needs to be the one that raises it.

I can see it already... your wife being so excited. SD moving in turns into G-Ma raising the baby. You providing all the resources and expenses, all while SD carries on with her personal life and rides the gravy train. Claiming to be a "parent" without all of the parenting responsibilities. Resentment will destroy what is left of your marriage. Say no and stick to it. Otherwise you truly have nothing to lose.