Wow.

I'm not a fan of my skids, but this is even further than I could go. Yikes.

I get frustrations with BMs, I get skids that are just jerks. I get a lot of reasons to hate or to be embarrassed by your skids. You almost had me, in fact with the haughty attitude and poor table manners. But this is about your ugly fat skid meeting your beautiful, fit family.

You're being superficial and mean. It takes a lot form me to stick up for skids, but you've done it.

Bravo.

If I were you, I’d try to tactfully forewarn the family memebers about the 17 year old. Religious science deniers/conspiracy theorists are rarely ever fun to endure during holiday get togethers.

The 10 year old? She’s 10. I like the suggestion of saying something like Evil3 shared. “I’m not allowed to say anything.”
It removes accountability while justifying why you’re not visibly losing your marbles.

Have you or DH ever shown her how it looks when she eats like that? Not to embarrass her, but to give her a realistic idea about how she eats. Perhaps a minor lesson on table etiquette. DH needs to step up his game and not allow her to sneeze all over the place. That’s just rude. Use the nook of the elbow, inside the shirt, or a tissue if it’s available. That is totally uncalled for and really is a risk to the other kids in the house if she’s sick and spreading germs everywhere. Also, personally, I think the old way of “being in your best behavior” would be applicable in this situation. As far as her clothing-seems like you’ve tried and struck out-oh well. SS and his dinosaurs views? Show him some dinasour bones lol lol

As important as you think appearances are, why did you marry into this horrific family? Maybe since you lowered yourself to accept them, your perfect family might also?

I understand. My SD is an embarrassment to me as well due to her hyperactivity around my very low-key laid back family. First time she came with us to my Aunt’s house she was bouncing off the walls and during dinner started (absentmindedly) scratching her butter knife into the beautiful antique carved table we were all eating at. I wanted to murder her.

I guess I don't understand why you decided to take them there when you know how they are and you knew ahead of time how you feel about them. Why did you allow this decision to be made?

If your extended family are the type to judge a ten year old by how she looks, or to judge you for how she looks, they are the ones with the problem.

It's not to say, "You married a man with kids, so", but it seems as though you would have seen their appearances and chose to be with him anyway, therefore choosing them. You just burden yourself now by worrying about what others think about the way they look.

So, as someone said above, work with the kids on their behavior and with your husband on parenting them. The table manners thing is something you might be able to change a bit before you get there. Other than that, it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Not your circus; not your monkeys.

There is no need for YOU to be embarrassed. You are not raising these children; their bioparents are. Their appearance, hygiene, beliefs, and manners (or lack thereof) are concerns for the bio mom/dad.

I am embarrassed by how my skids act as well. You have to tell them to take a bath everyday they get excrements all over the bathroom and just leave it there. One of them chews with their mouth open and wipes his hands all over his clothes. I think this is a reflection on the parents though which is my DH and BM because they didn't teach these kids how to properly behave and they get coddled by BM because their lives are so hard.

I applaud your honesty for admitting all this! I have a best friend who is sloppy, baudy and was morbidly obese until about six months ago - there were few who weighed more than she. I can't tell you how many times I've been ashamed and embarrassed by her. In 30 years of friendship, I have never admitted that anywhere until just this second. So I get it. The difference is I choose to be her friend because it is very rewarding. Not so in your situation.
I have also been embarrassed by my SD. Her clothes are so tight, they're like sausage casings and at 30, she still seriously says little girl things like, "I could have been an actress - I look so good on camera."
I like the suggestion that you warn the family what's coming - you don't have to go into detail other than mentioning that they're "at that awkward stage" and they aren't your kids. The family can see for themselves. That sort of lets them know you're not unaware of the kids' social awkwardness and they won't be shocked when the dinosaur thing comes up! Rather than cringe and dreading it, entertain yourself with your sense of humor. When I'm in an awkward situation, I entertain and distract myself by imagining the soundtrack and what actors would play which roles. Have some fun with it. I might enjoy seeing this clash of cultures - sounds like they all need a good dose of each other!
You are absolutely right that this should be a forum where you may tell the truth without harsh judgment coming your way. Sometimes, though, it is as brutal as my stepkid. I've noticed some names have disappeared and it seems gentler than it had been.
Remember...have fun! It won't last forever!

Well I support you 100%. This is a place where you should be able to vent and not hear the old chestnuts like " She is only a child" or "you are the adult". BS to that. I know exactly how you feel because I lived it as well. My SS, now 19, can be a rude you know what. He thinks he is very smart and likes to take controversial positions. More than once I had to put him in his place. He always gets a pass from my stb ex because the he has asbergers. Not good enough in my book especially when people are really deeply offended. He is a bit more presentable than the stb ex SD. At age 13 almost 14 her hygiene is horrible. She smells. Dresses horribly. Like a boy. But a dirty boy. She insisted to have her hair cut way short, in a boy's cut, which does not do her plain pan face any favors. Her table manners are deplorable. Honestly she grosses me out. She has no social skills and probably has some sort of issues herself which my spouse refused to see until recently (after I filed for divorce) despite me telling him gently over the years that "something is not right". And it has nothing to do with her gender issues ( she admitted she has them). I would not take her ANYWHERE towards the end of my relationship. She was an embarrassment to me.

The real problem is the parents. They overlook the obvious, or worse, they blame it on us!!!!! I finally said goodbye to being scapegoated and having to clean up after the SD.

Tell you're family what you just told us.
You are not permitted to have any input into these kids lives. Their father and mother are 100 percent responsible for these children, their behaviours, their hygiene, their beliefs, their eating habits, their dress, their ideology and EVERYTHING else.

The thing you have to be prepared for is that DH is going to defend his children. All parents will defend their children, no matter how horrible they are.
Your family is going to have to keep their opinions to themselves. That may be hard and a missed opportunity for DH to see his children through the eyes of other people but DH won't see the truth. He'll think that they are mean spirited and vain.

You don't want to be in a position of having to chose between your family and DH.

My SD is overweight and learned from BM on how to dress inappropriately. She tends to stuff herself like a sausage into undersized clothing that really accentuates her overweight body. I calmly mentioned it to DH a few times, but it finally registered with him when his workplace banned stretchpants unless covered by a tunic long enough to cover the butt, and the school implemented the same dresscode in agreement with everything I had been saying. At that point, we created a rule that SD had to dress to our standards. If she comes down dressed inappropriately, she is sent back up to change. It infuriates her, because she is special and no one is allowed to tell her what to do. Too bad. We are the adults, and she is the child. She needs to get that through her stupid head.

As adults, we also correct her on her manners. It's our job. If she doesn't like it, she can go to her room.

I am glad you can see your stepkids for what they are. No, they do not reflect badly on you. Maybe your judgement can be questioned, because you married into this family knowing what they were. So if your family judge you or the kids or find them slovenly - dont blame the family. You knew this was coming.

So, here I sit passing judgement on you... Guess what? Mix up the ages and some of the details - and well... Uhm, you are decribing MY step family.
You see I was brought up NOT to judge people on what they looked like, to be compassionate, to see beyond things that can be taught.
Problem is it is a pipe dream. I live this nightmare where my stepfamily can be embarrassing.

Fat, slovenly, untidy, in need of a bath, add in pink hair and pregnant = my stepdaughter. Yes, I have been suckered too.

Hoped for the best by playing with the dogs. Guess who has fleas now?

That's why I was always a drill sergeant in terms of manners, especially table manners, with my own kids.

I cringe when I'm around someone who eats like a cow.

To each their own - but the sounds of lips smacking half chewed food around makes me want to throw up.

ss has started doing this recently.... one of my dd's did it too, it took several months to break her of it... and I've asked him a few times now, to please close his mouth when he's chewing.

The first time was: Can you please close your mouth when you're chewing?
The second time was : Please close your mouth when you're chewing.
The third time was: I've asked you before to close your mouth when you're chewing. It's disgusting, and I don't want to eat around you when you do that. Close your mouth when you chew, or you can go eat in the kitchen, away from everyone else.

The fourth time - I didn't say a word, I picked up his plate and went to put it on the small table in the kitchen. Went back to my own seat, and resumed eating. ss was like... huh??? and Dh reminded him of what I'd said. ss went to the kitchen, sat at the chair, cried a little... after a minute or so, brought his plate back and said that he'll chew with his mouth closed now...

waiting to see a 5th time.