its clear to me that your sd is trying to get your attention and she is succeeding. she knows this.

her therapy or lack of it is not your problem.

if she lives with you full time it is your husbands job to parent her. back off all the way (disengage) and see what happens. your husband appears to leave the responsibility for her to you which it is not.

let your husband parent his own daughter.

it will be hard to ignore some of her actions as she knows she can get on your nerves but it will pay off in the long run.

If/When you approach her dad about things it's really important to try to make it seem like you are coming from a "place of caring" and are not trying to make a point to him that she is "a horrible girl who is immature and annoying AF".

When parents feel like their kid is being attacked, they will just go on the defensive and ultimately it can be a real source of conflict between the couple.

So... at 13, she may be on some spectrum of maturity that is further behind than normal. Some kids stay more kid-like longer. Sometimes they are insecure.. sometimes they just don't have an interest in the same things that some of their peers do like the opposite xex etc... Honestly, if she isn't all boycrazy you may actually have a silver lining.

When I met my DH, his girls were similarly mis-mannered. But they were 5 and 9 at the time. The way I approached it is that I was worried that when they went to visit friends or in the future to meet parents of beaus that they would be embarrassed by their ignorance of socially acceptable behavior. So, we started working on things like eating what you were served and being polite even if you didn't like it. Thinking about the fact that others might want some of what was served too and to not be piggy but to take small portions and only go for 2nds if they were still hungry and everyone else had a share. Similarly regular hygiene at age appropriate levels..is important.

Of course, her mom should be encouraging this stuff and at 13 kids can be coming into that stinky phase and be a bit embarrassed and clueless in what they should be doing.

She may need counseling, but she could probably also use some kind prodding in the right direction too.

Thankful to say that both my SD's grew up and out of their heathen ways and are lovely young women now (well most of the time lol).

"Honey please ask SD to shower. I don't want people making fun of her and hurting her feelings."
"Babe, how about we have a new rule. I will serve up dinner onto plates and we take it from there. It isn't fair for everyone to serve themselves."
"DH, when SD is rude to me it makes me cringe inside. I would hate people to get the wrong idea about her if she talks to everyone like this. Can we ask her to cut it out and stop being mean and hurting my feelings? She is in highschool and people can be so cruel."
LOOK! I MADE A DUCKIE WITH MY FRIES!
YOU: (not looking up) uh huh.

"Ignore the whore" - SM's mantra.

I like the advice above about serving up the plates. Divide up all the food. If she wants more SHE can eat the leftover scraps off of other's plates.

I would not speak about her to your DH at all. Just change the subject when he brings her up.
I am not telling you to be mean to her. Just brush her off in a polite, civil way.

Paula - I can tell you how the next 5 years will play out, but you will start drinking and never stop

Disengage, that's all you can do.... she's not your responsibility, you are not her parents, you are not responsible for the adult she will be one day, that's all on her Dad.....
stop doing things for her, stop catering for her and learn to say ASK YOUR DAD...

cook what ever you like and want to - no special meals for the snow flake, either she eats or she starves of hunger.
Oh be a good SM like me, dishing up... you dish up for her, sounds silly cause she's 13 - but that's to ensure she does not waste food and DH will think you are very very nice If she wants more, smile and say - finish what's on here and you can have more...

If she's a slob - don't clean after her, you simply tell DH, Hon can you please ask SD to come and clean her mess, if he does not do it, he can clean it, if it's still there after an hour, you clean it and trash anything that's not wanted on that spot, regardless if it's clothing or school books. (expensive stuff I use to simply fling into Aergia's room... I told her take your stuff to your room, she ignored me, thus I flung it into her room.... could not care if something break, spilled or what ever... my house my rules, you can live like a pig in your room, I will not live like a pig in the house.)

Ignore her if she's disrespectful towards you, pretend she's not there..... and in private you tell DH, if your brat ever talks to me like that again there will be consequences for the both of you..... deal with it and now. He will not, this is a sign that you can then deal with it by telling SD - I'm not your mother or your father, you will not talk to me in that manner understood. Put on your bitch face and voice.

See it's not re engaging if you stand up for yourself, or deal with something effecting you directly in a negative way.

With the meals, I'd refuse to cook and participate in "family:" meals, I'd plan and cook for myself only. I'd just explain to DH that if I don't get to eat, why would I bother cooking? If your DH wants family meals to resume, he's going to parent his offspring.

Buy her electronics for her room and sign her up for after school programs or summer school, so she's not in the common areas annoying you, spreading her stink and making a mess.

Otherwise try to treat her the same way you want to be treated, if she's disrespectful ignore her, let DH handle her moodiness, feel free to be completely hands off, she's not your child, you have absolutely no responsibility for her, leave the house and relax somewhere else when it gets bad, always make DH do the dirty work, and have fun when you can take her out shopping when it's a good day and she's not driving you up the wall.

I've got a 13 year old stepdaughter too, I thank God she is not here 100% of the time.

Plate her food up. If she complains then you just tell her what the problem is and why you have done it.

There is little point in playing nice with these type of kids. You can pussy foot around them, try to be fair and nice etc but in the end they will throw you under the bus at the first opportunity. Apart from that, you need to sit down with your DH, explain the problems you are having and he has to deal with it. She won't like the changes and all hell will break loose.

Maybe a word with the school about her lack of socialising? They might be in a position to suggest to the BM that some therapy might be helpful. We have a similar problem with SS17 (he is high functioning AS) and we just had to almost force him to do stuff, it's always a battle so you have my sympathy.

Try not to be involved with her too much, just where it is absolutely necessary (and the meals sound like one of those times) and get her father to deal with her and find activities outside the home for her. Does she live full time with you? is BM not in the picture?

Your post is so very similar to my situation about my 13 year old SD too. She's socially awkward and annoying as HELL. Same thing, DH won't address the issues either. Compelte denial. Have you considered she may be on the autistic spectrum? The lack of hygiene could be sensory issues or even depression. Hard to say really but I feel your pain. I disengaged as much as possible and I try and ignore her when she is at my house. I don't know how else to cope.