I would communicate your feelings of betrayal to your wife. and the deep hurt this causes you. You may think she knows but she may not. I think the discussion has to be at the right time when you feel she would be receptive to this.

We are all protective of our children. I would try to explain to my spouse what I have done for the child because of how much I love them and what I want our relationship to be like but inform her she is hindering those ideals for you. If you can come from a place of, "I love your grown ass kid, too... but you're making this hard for me"... she may have a prescription change. If not, I would pray about it and ask God to show you the way and to help your wife to see your perspective.

Another alternative is, have a sit down with the SD and have a heart to heart. Tell her your frustrations and remind her how much you care for her. Maybe fixing the source will help all relationships. But she may not realize you're coming from a place of love.

This is very sad,that after 14 years you are considering ending your marriage over your SD and your wife's blaming you for her behaviour. That sense of betrayal is shared by many people on here and it is hard to accept that all your care and helping out of this girl hasn't been appreciated. Of course, you should not have helped her out financially or helped her with any repairs etc, but you did it with a kind heart and these people have exploited your good nature.
Have you thought about going to counselling with your wife? Or maybe your feelings are so hurt that you don't consider this an option. Maybe there is someone else out there who would appreciate your kind nature more. I hope things work out for you- you deserve to be happy.

First of all, do not give this SD one more penny out of your pocket. No more home repairs, no more driving them to the doctor. Then disengage emotionally from her. This means when DW brings up SD, you do not have to argue about SD, just say something like, "Hmmm" and change the subject. When SD visits you be cordial,smile and leave the room. If she asks for something from you tell her to see her mother. Do not tell your DW you are disengaging, just do it.

When you married DW her daughter was an adult. You didn't say how long your DW was single before she married you but DW might have placed the older SD in a place of 'pseudo' partner rather than her child. It may get to the point that you have to give DW the option of working on the marriage or leaving. Please realize this is not your problem - it is DW's. If she wants to coddle 'fragile' SD let her. Just take yourself out of the emotional equation.

Would DW be willing to discuss issues with a counselor who specializes in blended families?

Divorce is such a hard thing to go through and the emotional trauma it causes does not end once the divorce is finalized. I am 63 years old and my dh divorced me because of his adult 47 year old ds. Mind you his ds would not let us have a relationship from the get go. We never got to even go on an overnight trip without him trying to constantly intervene by calling all day and starting again first thing in the morning. We would be cuddling and being in the morning in the hotel room and the calls would start at 7:00 a.m.. Of course ex would not let the phone go to messaging, he had to stop to answer the phone because it was his ds and then chat with him all the while I am in bed waiting for him.

What is sad is that my ex was 70 years old at the time and was still catering to his ds to the point of prioritizing him over all else. He divorced me because I complained about all the time he was spending with his ds. Anyway he is now 72 years and with no prospects of ever having a relationship with anyone else. His ds will never leave him alone to be able to have a wife. The calls were a daily thing. One day I counted 10 times that he called.

Nevertheless, it was up to ex to put boundaries, but like your dw did not want to upset him, so he put up and it cost us our marriage. I was in a relationship with him for 25 years.

Try what ever you can to remedy the situation. One poster mentioned counseling and that is a great idea or maybe try to see your dw situation from a different perspective. Why does she need to please her children at the expense of your marriage? What is the underlying cause to her trying to please them so much. For my ex it was guilt for having divorced bm and leaving the house. In later years I found out that he was cheating with bm best friend and that is why he divorced. To this day he has never overcome the guilt.

Your dw must live a life of so much stress having to please so many people and it does not sound that she is very good at establishing boundaries. Have you tried disengaging and just letting her deal with her kids on her terms and with you not doing anything to promote it or to be involved with the situation. That also means that you do not assist financially or assist in other way. It sounds that you resent the fact that you have spent thousands of dollars, time and energy helping sd and she is ungrateful. So from now on doing nothing and just detach from her emotionally.

I have been single for one year and I am still feeling the trauma of what I experienced with ex. Like I said divorce is a very difficult thing and it should be done when all else has been exhausted. You have been with your dw for a long time and one thing that I see from what you wrote is that you are trying to set boundaries regarding your sd and your dw. Draw your line in the sand regarding their behavior, what else do you have to lose when the alternative is divorce.

Sounds like your wife is an enabler by nature. She probably feels bad that she got divorced and that she needs to make life easier for her kids to make up for it.

I'm pulling this quote from Blayze's comments on a forum post requesting advice for new SMs:

"At some point in your journey, your man will do something - whether it's doing a favor for his crappy ex, or supporting children who are out to get you, or simply being insensitive, unreliable, or un-protective too many times - and your respect and love for him will drop dramatically. Then you'll spend a long time nursing your resentment and wondering how you'll ever find that love and respect again."

I think in your case, your wife has done two things: 1) she's betrayed you and that hurts; 2) she is letting her children walk all over her and it's difficult to respect someone who allows that.

Before DH and I were married, we went to a counselor because BM was being crazy. During one of our sessions, I was talking about how it bothered me when DH didn't stand up to BM, particularly when she was saying terrible things about me. The counselor turned to me and said something to the effect of, "it must be difficult to respect him when he doesn't stand up to her."

i have had my husband cast me as the bad guy so many times that its no wonder his own children dislike me.

i can relate.

dh blabs to his children about what he does not like about me: the management of my family business, my health, and anything he thinks he needs to blab.

i could not care less if he tattled to his adult male friends as we all vent to our friends but tattling to his own children has crossed the line.

one of the skids came out and said she thought i was mistreating her father. now where do you think she got that impression?

I had a call from one of mine about a year into our marriage telling me he was "sharing our marital problems with her." Well, that empowered the whole situation, as far as I am concerned, and it eventually resulted in my complete disengagement. They certainly feel no need to respect me (given he did not), and made that clear in their comments; nor does he correct them at all, still. If she is doing this, like mine, she has likely already ruined your relationship with the SD, and, I do not believe it is repairable-- after she or he has belittled you to her, your partner, the SD realized she is not going to protect you, and I believe the game is over right then. They are more important than you to her/him, they feel. They feel they have all the relationship power.

Now he can talk about me all he would like to her, because consequently she will never be with me again or in my home again: the relationship is over. I am finished with the whole crazy mess. My DH still does not own up to his "fatherly" responsibilities. But, it does not matter any longer if I do not have to be party to their pathetic behavioral conditioning, via his non- parenting. I have accepted this is a dark spot in my marriage, a h...ll I stay away from now at all cost. His relationship cannot be as good as it could have been (with either of us), had he decided to be both a father and a husband; in both cases, he failed. He really cheated himself the most.

I can never be around them again, with or without him....cannot blame the daughter as she was never taught how to be respectful, I blame him. Make certain you protect yourself, enmeshed parents usually do not change, but you can.

Just have to attach this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azhZO3RVFYs

Whenever someone asks you what it feels like to be a step-parent, a quick way would be to send them this link. It's pretty much all there, in one way or another, starting with being on the bottom of everyone's priority list. Have absolutely no clue why anyone on this planet would think that someone is supposed to ALWAYS settle for coming in last, but you'd be amazed at how many people feel this way when it comes to steps.

Rule #1 as a SP: Look out for yourself because no one else will be. Look out for your wallet too, because in that case, everyone else will be.

As a few have already said.
STOP paying for things and stop doing favours. No more drives or house repairs or anything of the sort.
It's not to late to disengage. I think it would be very beneficial to you in your circumstances.

Yes, you'll still have to make Christmas dinner, but nothing special for them, don't go out of your way for them at all.

Stop discussing SD with your wife. Walk away when she comes up. Tell your wife this is your way of being the bigger person and that you have no intentions of discussing SD or her family.

my 2 cents...

Take a break and go away alone, then sit and think carefully, do you still love your wife, yes - ignore her adult child and disengage, no more money nothing, wife can meet daughter out side the house and if SD comes to your house she has to respect you, or you ask her to leave.

if you really do not feel marriage love for your wife, and more sisterly love, then end it,

but there's no law that stipulates you have to support a adult child for life, simply cut the finances, disengage, read how sammigirl did it and other ladies as well, it's not worth loosing a loving marriage over? No not...

edpal, its so infuriating when a spouse lacks the guts to be a parent. they are so desperate for approval from their own children.

edpal, I've had to do something similar with my DW. Her youngest adult son treats her horribly, and she seems to think she deserves it. She feels guilty about how his upbringing was. This man is a high school dropout, unemployed, and uses drugs. He is severely bipolar, goes into rages, gets violent, but refuses to do anything to help himself with his condition. About 2 months ago, he texted that he was on a bus heading for our town. I asked my wife if she thought he was carrying drugs with him. She said she wasn't sure. I contacted him directly, and told him I call the cops if any drugs come through the door. He got really nasty with me, telling me I'm just the piece of $hit his mom married. He told me he knows my wife can, and has seen her do, better than me. My DW turned into mama bear, and was furious at me for confronting her son. Both of them were coming after me. I've since told my wife that I will have no more to do with her son. She can go visit him whenever she wants, but he won't be in the house. My young kids won't be around him. I don't want to hear about him. She is free to have whatever type of relationship she wants with him, but leave me out of it. I can't take his rages, and can't take watching her go back, over and over, for more of his abuse. I'm better off, and our marriage is better off, if I totally remove myself from that entire tornado. I've blocked his phone numbers, blocked him on all social media, and more or less pretend he doesn't exist. Things will only change when my DW decides she has had enough of his bad treatment. Not my circus.