Annoying step adult daughter
My step daughter is 23 and she still lives with her dad and I. I got together with her dad when she was 14. She is disabled but not enough to be an invalint. She basically sits around the house all day in her room watching tv or on her phone. Only has to clean the house once a week and that's it. She's enrolled in college but only does one class a semester. Sge also goes out with friends and her boyfriend to play whenever she chooses to come and go as she pleases. I have built up resentment because I just can't stand her. She is such an annoying person. And SHE is an attention whore. She is rude in ways her dad won't or can't see. She rolls her eyes or makes ugly faces when I ask her a question and she won't answer my question directly. Basically a bitch. She decided to make plans with her dad to have all her adult friends over to my home, that I ONLY pay for without letting me know, the day after Thanksgiving. I said I don't want people in my home I don't know. He sided with her and said he'd just stay home instead of going with me camping. AND SHE DECIDED NOT TO Go in the first place. She doesn't have a mom in the picture because she skipped out on her. So I foot the bill for this kid who acts like a bitch. I took on the responsibility thinking that her mom would help financially but nope. Her mom is a dead beat low life piece of work. Her dad is disabled as well. So it makes it so hard to cope sometimes. I just want my stepdaughter to go away for me to get a break. She has sensed and felt my animosity towards her. We have got into arguments about how she is. Her dad just feels sorry for her and coddles her. I'm so sick if the bull. He just ignores it and makes excuses. I want to leave and let them just be together so he can focus on her. I have told him that a woman doesn't want to share him with his daughter of 23. He seems to think it will happen. Because she is disabled, I cant get her out of the house. What should do to try and live with the frustration of everything.
You are your DH's wife. DH's
You are your DH's wife. DH's daughter is his child, whether she is of adult age or not. Your DH should be treating you like a wife and treating his daughter like his child. The problem is, he is treating you like a child and he is treating his daughter like a wife, complete with authority over you to say what goes in your and your DH's home. This will not change, more than likely, for either of them. He basically has two wives in the home, and he loves it and the attention.
You need to either confront him over this, get counseling, or disengage. There is a disengaging forum on this page for more info.
Is your SD able to live in
Is your SD able to live in her own environment? Is SD able to hold down a part time job, while going to school? If so, maybe you and DH can get her an apartment of her own. You need to sit down with DH and make a plan to help her get out of your home and get on her own.
If you agree to help with the expenses, make sure you help pay for her needs, not her wants. If she is going to school and working part time, she won't have time to sit all day and watch TV.
If your DH refuses to help you with new boundaries; I suggest giving them notice on moving out and getting their own place. If they do not move, have them evicted, via Court Order and Law Enforcement. Believe me, this is possible, I evicted my DH out of our home to SD's house; he didn't like living with her.
Your DH is not helping her by coddling her or enabling her habits, thus tell him "you both" need to assist her in learning skills that will get her on the road to be a productive citizen. What if something happens to your DH (God forbid); what will she do then? She needs to be able to care for herself.
Start the conversation with your DH: "I know you love SD, I understand. I don't want to fight, nor do I want you to be upset with what I am about to discuss. Blah...blah...blah..." Do not get personal. Stay calm and concerned. Getting frustrated and angry just puts everyone on defensive; I know, believe me.
This is a difficult situation, with disability in the picture. I am sorry for you, because this can bring down a marriage, if both spouses don't agree how to handle disability.
Stay here for support. Keep us posted.
My SD was not disabled but
My SD was not disabled but she did the same thing yours is doing - making faces, rolling her eyes and not speaking to you directly, plus other rude behavior. It just gets old. Yes, you can disengage but it is hard when this person is in front of you every day. First of all, if she is mildly disabled there is no reason why she can not be out on her own. Contact your community services. They give aid to accomplish this.
You also will have to get your DH on board. It is not your responsibility to support SD forever and he needs to know this. You have done enough. You do not have to threaten him with divorce but there has to be some 'give' on his part. I gave my DH the option of working on our marriage or leaving. He chose to stay. This does not always happen but ask yourself if you want to continue down this path - and is it worth it.
I would get an eviction
I would get an eviction notice on her and see what DH does. If he goes with her. You really don’t want him
Yes, no woman could live
Yes, no woman could live under these conditions. If she is dating, she is not that disabled, geez....and, she gets her own disability check, I bet. Nonetheless, YOU are paying the bills and YOU need a break. I agree with the other posters here, give she and dadddeee notice it is time to launch.
Oh you would be surprised
Oh you would be surprised about what disabled people can do when no one is watching and how they cant do anything when they think someone is watching.
NEVER underestimate the power of ones mind.
Add a little greed and poof...
Can you move out and let them
Can you move out and let them be on their own? And you and him can just date?
Lavanderrose WELCOME to step
Lavanderrose WELCOME to step talk. I sure hope you stick around for awhile.
Anyway
Lets talk about all the money that will be lost IN your home IF dh tells her it is time that she become independent.
Could that be driving his train? AND he would be required to pay child support IF she leave since the states do require both mom and dad to pay disabled adults some form of child support.
What is sd disability? IF she is going to school she is receiving ssd AND school siphon, correct? That is a nice chunk a month.
STOP PAYING THE BILLS. Just stop.
OP I am so sorry about this. I know I could not be married to a man who does NOT give his kids wings to fly to BE INDEPENDENT and self supporting. We have several friends of ours who are soldiers...severally injured soldiers. A few TBI from IED explosions, others 100percent disabled. What they all have in common is their need to make themselves work.
For us 100percent disabled Soldiers is soo common it is the norm.
Just in our neighborhood we have 3 100percent Disabled Soldiers who work full time jobs.
Why doesn't your husband work?
SD may want to look into VOCREHAB in your town for work assistance. I KNOW there is a job somewhere that she can do. IS your husband bed ridden? Why doesn't he work?
Not to be mean but mannnn. STOP PAYING THOSE BILLS>..
I am curious by what you mean
I am curious by what you mean by disabled? Both my SD’s did not graduate high school (I’m not bashing people that didn’t graduate high school, both my parents didn’t) don’t work, have “Fibromyalgia” and collect welfare and disability. I work in health care and see people who truly do have fibromyalgia and know it’s real. I see it daily and can tell when someone is truly suffering. SD’s do not have it They are both just lazy and have learned to manipulate the system. For instance, both have welfare pay for housing. When they want to move they say, “I don’t feel safe” so they get to move, all expenses paid. I get so angry because the people that I care for are truly disabled and people like SD’s are taking away from people that really need it.
Anyway, if she has a true disability there are so many programs to help them to find meaningful employment and housing. If she is like my SD’s and just lazy, that’s another story. There is a man in my community that has Down syndrome and works full time at a grocery store straightening shelves. Another man I care for has severe Cerebral palsy and helps to clean the common room after lunch in his assisted livIng residence. I really do believe that most people can work if they want to. My SD’s don’t. What about yours?
whether her mother skipped
whether her mother skipped out on her or not sd has to grow up and leave.
she feels your animosity? good! let her know you dont like the way she conducts herself under your roof.
her guilty daddieee is keeping her around for his own selfish reasons and op is getting shafted.
op is paying for everything and put at the bottom of dh priorities. having a party in your own home without telling you is just plain wrong as you dont want strangers in your home when you are gone. dh siding with sd is really showing the power of this mini wife. and she knows it.
if she is well enough to be social with circle of friends enough to have a party, she is well enough to live on her own.
contact agencies that deal with disabled adults to help them be independent.
as for sd just watching tv and being on the phone and just taking token college classes, its time to put your foot down for sd and the father who is enabling her.
23 is not a child. she needs to grow up. stop making it comfortable for her and she will find a way to leave.
i had a 20 something adult sd living in our house after bm kicked her out. she came to live with her father and me. she had a part time job and went to college part time but she also partied in the evenings. she would come home in the early hours slamming doors, clanking dishes making meals and doing laundry for one of the boys she had just hooked up with.
the last straw was her telling me to my face to go to h&ll. that was it. i asked her when she was leaving the house. i was not putting up with any one living under my roof saying that to me. i fully expected dh to side with her and allow her to stay in the home but he told her to find a place to live. i was shocked that he actually had the balls to do it. she moved out and has stayed out.
Daddee's gotta realize that
Daddee's gotta realize that he's not going to be around to coddle snowflake forever. What will she do when you or him are no longer there to care for her and provide 100% of her needs? There are training programs and job placement services that help adults w/special needs. There are also group homes but as with most things they have long waiting lists. DH needs to have her do a little more than 1 class a semester. She could bag groceries or sort clothes for 15 hours a week. Many opportunites for her out there.