3 kids of my own, 2 step kids.. but oh man, the strange twist :/ *eek*
Ok, i feel so totally shameful writing this but i'd really rather get it off my chest and hope that no one i know ever finds this.
Right, so i have 3 kids of my own, DD11, DS 10 and DD 8. Then my partner has a DD7 and DD4.
I get along fine with the youngest one most of the time. She'll play me off every now and again but no more than a standard 4 year old. We also laugh and play and she comes for cuddles when shes upset, its all good. But then there is DD7. I love her and shes a cute kid but we just dont seem to click and for some reason she drives me nuts!
I'm missing two pieces of information tho,.. the really shameful bits. His eldest has Cerebral Palsy. She talks fine and mentally fine but is in a wheelchair and has poor motor skills, needs a lot of extra helpf with stuff and gets ill quiet often PLUS she's not actually his daughter!! She is his ex's eldest ( sibling to the youngest) but for some reason they found this really strong connection and he just sort of adopted her as his own.
So, although i'm embarassed to say it, i think my trouble more than anything else is that not only does she want her 'dads' attention, but she also gets tonnes of special attention from everyone just because she's disabled, but also we dont really get along and she's not even his!!
I should mention too that we used to get along but now she does this face like i'm not meant to talk to her or that why would she converse with me when Dad is around...
OMG.. i feel the worst for saying it but honestly i just sooo need to get it off my chest. I know it makes me look like a terrible person but i dont want any sort of rift in our families relationships and for whatever reason it just driving wall climbing, nail biting MAD!
There is much more that i could say but i simply dont think i could put anymore out in the world without hating myself!! I know a lot of it is the attention she gets from being disabled too and i mean i get it, that totally sucks but geez man... its just too much!..
Ok leaving this page for now... said WAY too much, not feeling great about admitting it but would really REALLY love to hear what you guys think about this?
I think you nailed it there.
I think you nailed it there. She's not his child. So, naturally you are going to be like "why the hell am I dealing with this kid who isn't even his?" At least subconsciously. Nothing wrong with that. Bad enough we have to deal with skids...when they aren't even 1/2 dh how excruciating is that?
You're not alone at all.
You're not alone at all. Thank you for sharing the hidden, rather secret feelings that many stepparents of children with challenges probably feel.
(Heck, a few weeks ago, I spoke of my envy, jealousy, resentment for FSGD11 who just has behavioral issues, an eating disorder, silly-felon-abandoning parents, and it felt so nice to know that others had experienced similar.)
It's tough to parent a child with challenges. It's quadrupled to stepparent a child with challenges. It must feel exponentially worse to try to stepparent a child with challenges who is not DH's bio-baby. And, yes, disabilities, abilities and challenges mean so many different things depending upon how involved things are ... developmental delays are way different than stomach feedings.
I work with kids & adults with challenges, special needs, whatever politically correct term we want to use. I don't always connect either. Sometimes, even now, I feel slightly uneasy or queasy with some clients. That's normal. It's okay. Their parents/caregivers have them 24/7 and I only have them for an hour.
Child with CP in a wheelchair. You skated past that part rather quickly. That is HUGE !!! She sounds incredibly labor-intensive --- not her fault just a fact like blue eyes. It's okay to say that too !!
You mentioned other stuff in your post but I am hung up on the issue of parenting special needs stepchildren. Have to mull about this a bit. Just know that you are not alone and you are not an "evil stepmother" (name has already been taken) because of normal feelings.
Give yourself a hall-pass, a break, a breather ...
I can kind of relate to this.
I can kind of relate to this. My husband was the only father figure his ex step son knew, since the kid was a baby. DH loved him as his own but I did not want him coming over for visitation with his sister. He was BM's son, NOT DH's.
It wasn't brought up but I still felt like a bitch because I knew that if it was brought up, I was going to say, "No." BM had turned him against DH so it was never an issue.
It's hard enough dealing with a kid that is his much less one that's not because you are thinking, "I should not have to deal with this kid AT ALL."
It's hard enough dealing with
It's hard enough dealing with a kid that is his much less one that's not because you are thinking, "I should not have to deal with this kid AT ALL."
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Yes!!! And how many of us are expected to deal with "extra" skids? A freaking lot! I've seen a few posters on here who had skids that turned out to not be their DH's children. I've also seen several where there was a skid who "isn't DH's but he raised him".
I'm sorry, but dealing with HIS KIDS is one thing. Being expected to also deal with kids that aren't his? Fuck to the NO!
You are NOT a horrible
You are NOT a horrible person! Just... human. Deep breaths, Mum2Five, deep breaths.
Now, as to "what to do". This is the somewhat tougher part, because yes, you have to walk on eggshells here a bit.
Leave aside the "she's not his bio child". If he "sort of adopted her" and has been the father figure in her life, leave it be. It's not fair - or right - for you to tell DH what kind of relationship he is allowed to have with this girl, and I think you already know that. BUT! That does NOT mean that YOU have to have a relationship with her! Two distinct things - he's free to be a father to this girl and YOU are free to think of her as a guest in your home and not family. (With the caveat, of course, that you cannot be rude to her, cruel, unfair, etc. You can, and probably should, distance yourself emotionally, but you cannot *treat* her as if you dislike her. Treat her like a neighbor's kid, in other words.)
Now, with that being said, you absolutely DO have a right to expect - even demand - a certain standard of behavior from any child in your home. If that neighbor's kid came over and was rude or bratty, what would you do? Call her parents and tell them of her behavior, expecting them to deal with it? Tell her she was no longer welcome to come over until her behavior changed? It's definitely a bit trickier in that your DH is going to expect you to put up with a lot more from her than he would if it were someone else's kid. I'd point that out to him though - this is not your child (you, the SM) any more than the neighbor's kid is DH's. What would DH do if the neighbor's kid indulged in these behaviors in your home? Then why does he expect you to do differently?
In short, address the behaviors that are bothering you with DH. As the parent, it is his JOB to ensure that the child grows up to be the best person she can be and he is failing her if he is allowing her to be less than her best, just because she's got CP.
And give yourself a break for being human.
This smom crap is hard!
Hey thanks guys for all your
Hey thanks guys for all your replies, i think i may have set you guys a bit astray somehow though. His CP daughter isnt a nasty child at all, shes really lovely, she just plays people a little bit because of her disability, which i almost understand. I meant more that she just gets attention from everyone, everywhere she goes, its always Oh Shes so wonderful, poor her, you must want to do this stuff for her and that stuff for her etc etc and i dont.. i just wanna treat her like any other kid! Yes i may need to carry her to bed and change nappies etc but aside from that i just wish everyone would stop pussy-footing-round!. And whats worse is that she ended up in hospital the day i wrote this with pneumonia so now i've been watching his other DD and he's been back and forth from the hospital again and again, as horrible as it sounds it just pisses me off that he's spending all this attention with a kid who isnt even his and requires so much attention!! Then his other DD was sick last night and he spent most of the night in with her and urgh.. green monster! I hate how stuff like this can effect me, from an outsiders perspective its just shocking. Anyway, I KNOW thats horrible but it is just how i feel and i have decided i'm just going to say it here because its the only place i can and i just need it not to be wearing me down.
I also didnt mention my own son has mental disabilities of sorts. He is diagnosed ADD but he's not. He has serious problems with anger, manipulates everyone and is under consultation by LOADS of shrinks and doctors and the likes trying to figure out whats going on. He's medicated and i'll just say, his has an actual mental problem, so not just a kid acting up but an actual problem. ( I should mention that my other kids behave beautifully too, so its not an upbringing thing either in my eyes) Today he wasnt given the right medicine by his birth dad, sent to my house to hang out with family that were visiting and while out at an event he abolutely lost it and tore into some girl that threw a ball at his head accidentally. DH lost his shit saying stuff like "DS is not going out with him anywhere if he acts like that" (which he did later apologise for and revoke) and i can see where he is coming from as he is very difficult sometimes, (usually when hes not medicated properly) but OMG.. just so much drama. TOO MUCH! Thank God i love my DH loads and he treats me well cause.. otherwise oh man...
This is an older post I know,
This is an older post I know, but I was shocked to see you say that YOU carry her to bed and change her.
My son is disabled and in a wheelchair. I have NEVER asked or even hinted at his stepdad that he should be carried or otherwise cared for in any way other than by ME.
Your DH should be 100% responsible for his daughter's physical care. I can't even imagine presuming that another person would do this for my disabled child.
When it comes to most of the
When it comes to most of the children that I know and cannot tolerate being near it is their parents that are the problem and not the kids. Case in point is my college BFF's daughter. This kid is a fricking animal. There is nothing wrong with her other than idiot parents. This is a strong statement as her father is one of my closest friends and is truly the only genius prodigy I have ever known. He is brilliant but refuses to address his devil bred spawn from hell. Okay, the detail ... she is his adopted niece. His wife's sister is a serial out of wedlock breeder and this is her youngest spawn. My BFF and his bride were just about to adopt with the state when his SIL got knocked up and neither she nor the sperm donor wanted the kid. Interestingly SIL was pregnant when she met my BFF's daughter’s sperm donor and the sperm donor adopted the baby she delivered when they were first dating but eagerly signed the adoption papers to give up his own bio spawn with my BFF's SIL. A bit convoluted I know but ..... :?
Also very interesting is that this BFF was always very vocal about my bride and I being too strict with our kid (my Skid) but BFF has also always been extremely complementary of SS's behavior and about how calm, mellow, and pleasant SS was to be around all through his childhood.
I refuse to interface with my BFF at all if his hell spawned animal child is present. He knows it and he knows how I feel about it so ... we meet for a beer after hours when we get the chance where he spends inordinate amounts of our time together worrying over how ill-behaved his child is. :jawdrop: :? Interestingly he says that when I am around his daughter is well behaved but she does not like me. Why, because I do not tolerate her behavioral bullshit. When she pulls her crap near me I shut it down immediately. It does not matter if we are all out for a dinner, if we are visiting them in their home, or they are visiting us. I will not tolerate her crap and the little shit knows it.
When he waxes all sad about how ill-behaved his daughter is I just bare his ass with a "Well, you know that the problem is and how to fix it so quit bitching and do something about it. I am sick of hearing about it." So, we change the subject... at least for a while.
What also makes me smh is that my BFF is adopted himself and his parents are zero bullshit people so my extremely brilliant and well raised friend’s inability to catch a clue just amazes me.