Sd pregnant and in abusive relationship
I really need some advise please. I'll try to make this short. Sd is 18 I've been in her life since she was 3. We have had our ups and downs but mostly have a really good relationship. I agreed to get a car in my name for her when she turned 18 after she got a really good job at a local hospital and she makes payments and pays her portion of the insurance. This job will pay for her schooling and she has full benifits. She is super smart and a good worker but when it comes to men her brain turns to mush like a lot of teenage girls.
She has been with her boyfriend for about a year. After she got the job she decided to get an apartment with this guy. We all begged her not to-me-dh-friends and other family. Tried to convince her to stay home and save some money first. She was determined. Next talk was whatever you do make sure you keep up with your birth control. You are so young and there are so many things to experience before a baby. Month later guess who's pregnant 
she wants to keep the baby.
Today I get a desperate call from her. Her boyfriend has beat her up and pulled a loaded gun on her. We all suspected that he was being abusive but she always denied and defended him. Today she said she has had enough but won't file a police report. She and baby are safe tonight but now she says she wants to go back and work things out! How do I convince this girl that there is no changing this man! Is there anything I can do? Her dad wants me to take the car away from her if she goes back to him because we found out he has been driving it and we fully believe he is a drug dealer. I don't know if this is the right move. I don't know what to do with any of this I just want to lock her upstairs so she can't go back to this piece of shit. I am terrified this guy will kill her or soon to be baby or both. Any advise? Anyone who has been through anything similar?
I'd likely speak with a
I'd likely speak with a women's shelter and get some advice from the folks who know in your area.
Yank that car today. DH is right --- no car. Do not enable her.
Thank you. I will contact
Thank you. I will contact some shelters tomorrow. Car is going to be taken care of first thing tomorrow I know dh is right I just feel like I am leaving her stranded but in reality she is 10-15 minutes from our house and about 10 from bm's house. This is so hard I just want to shake some sense into her. She is a good kid and was on a good path but when it comes to this guy she is brainwashed
It's hard to know what is
It's hard to know what is right. Abuse allegations are hearsay at this point which makes it quite tough for people who care. It will happen again. Document everything, make notes and photograph. Watch their social media. Your SD is an adult and allowed to make foolish, suicidal choices. Her baby has no voice yet and deserves to be raised in a loving, peaceful home. Adoption is not a four-letter word. Letting SD feel the natural consequences of her choices & behavior is not abandoning her (losing the privilege of the car). Love & Logic, right?
I wondered if you've run a background check on BF? If he's a convicted felon, then that gun-waving crappola could put him back in jail for a bit. Of course, if SD picks this type of man once and chooses to remain there, then you can bet the next guy will be the same with just a different name. DH may really need to step here.
Good luck.
Since he pulled a loaded gun
Since he pulled a loaded gun he put that baby in danger. She can move back but not the baby. Someone must protect that innocent life.
Explain how life works, as in you and her dad will immed petition the court for custody of the baby. Because a parent puts their child before any one that would abuse them
Here is the number for the
Here is the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1−800−799−7233.
They can probably give you some advice. There are several members here who have personal experience with domestic violence. I'm sure they will be able to offer some perspective.
SD is legally an adult,
SD is legally an adult, there's nothing you can do about it, even if Dad takes away the car , if she wants to work it out she will find a way..
this is life, and it's sad....
Maybe she should see a councilor, or get therapy, take her to a woman's shelter and let her talk to some of the ladies there, let them inform her how she can loose her baby..... usually at this age they will listen to every one but their parents...
and yes I will take the baby from her, cause this baby deserves so much better in life, CPS will become my friends, if the BabyDaddy is a drug dealer I will split on him and arrange a couple of busts... raids, what ever..
I'm reading this and
I'm reading this and wondering why your husband, his brothers,cousins,friends...have not paid that jack ass a visit yet.
Every man I know would have beat the snot out of that twerp.
Because I put myself between
Because I put myself between him and the door. This stupid kid is playing around with guns and I want my dh around and not shot by some punk ass kid. My first instinct was to go over there and give him a dose of his own medicine but then I had to calm down and use logic- hands and fists don't beat guns
Thank you for all of the
Thank you for all of the advise. We are going to try to get her to a women's shelter today if we can talk her into it. Unfortunately she still seems bent on going back to this shit this morning. We did make it very clear to her as did bm that that baby will not be raised in that environment. We will do whatever is necessary. She just doesn't seem to grasp reality right now
I wouldn't overlook the
I wouldn't overlook the possibility that she is on drugs and that may be part of the hold he has over her too.
It's heartbreaking how drugs have ruined society.
Have her Dad take the car; he
Have her Dad take the car; he wants you to do it, so have him do it. This is the right thing to do, especially since she is close to both BM and you and DH. Have DH tell her why he's taking the car (her SO).
Be supportive of her and pray a lot. Make sure she knows you are there for her. That's all you can do. You can't lock her up, darn it. If you get called to the apartment, you can call the cops too. You might tip off the drug enforcement unit; they will keep an eye on his activities, no cost to you. You can also tip off Patrol, they can drive by while on shift.
She is going to need all the support possible now.
"Have her Dad take the car;
"Have her Dad take the car; he wants you to do it, so have him do it."
I agree that if DH wants this done then he needs to be the one to do this and he needs to state the reasons why. It sounds like you and your SD have a wonderful relationship but it DH makes you step in and be the bad guy it could turn real quick.
I would also call the police and just tell them what happened, that way they have a recorded phone call with details of the incident. Say, "My pregnant SD was beat up and had a gun pointed at her by her drug dealer boyfriend." You may want to throw in that the gun is unregistered which may prompt a visit.
As someone mentioned above, if SD chooses to return let her know that child protective services will be notified of a child being born into the violent situation. The violence is horrific and already out of control, there is no way a pregnant woman is going to be able to "work it out" with a rageaholic druggie w/a gun. Plead w/her to think of the safety of her baby if she won't do it for herself. SD and her unborn child are the fast track to becoming a statistic.
What you can do, prepare a place for her and the baby that she can flee to if needed. Let her know that she is welcome and that you or her father will pick her up at a moments notice.
A co worker of mine was shot by her husband, unfortunately it's a reality of the sickness of our times.
Thank you all so much for the
Thank you all so much for the advise and perspectives. I was able to get her to her mom this morning who is currently trying to get her to file a report. She is going back and forth about returning and her mom is taking her to a shelter to at least talk to someone there. Sd works night shift and my best friend is her boss and like an aunt to her. She pulled her aside before she left work this morning and reached out to her as well. This girl has a great support system. I just hope she will use it. I am going to reread through all of your suggestions as soon as I can get out of work and try to come up with a plan of action for if she stays home and a plan for if she returns which unfortunately is what I think will happen. If any of you ladies are praying ladies I would appreciate any prayers good vibe etc.
you have such a kind heart op
you have such a kind heart op to be concerned about your sd.
statistic show in many cases that abuse escalates when a woman is pregnant and her partner is abusive.
step mothers get a bad rap most of the time and you show this is not the case in many instances.
its good to know the sd has a support system in place and this includes you.
i would however rethink getting any loan in your name for any skids in the future. nice or not skids have a way of turning on you. you dont need liabilities. she is your husbands responsibility. let him co sign for any loans.
now that the sd needs help for herself and her baby, she will become more reliant upon you and dh. this will also cost money and impact your joint finances.
i just noticed you stated op
i just noticed you stated op that the sd is brainwashed.
this will make matters worse. as stated, the sd could well be on drugs herself.
one young relative of mine had a child with her boy friend. boyfriend was an alcoholic who was kicked out of the military while she had a nice job. he lived with her and his child and drinking all day and falling into a drunken sleep by the evening.
while the mother worked, drunkie was supposed to take care of the child. babies are supposed to be plump and healthy. this child was not. she was too skinny for a child her age. the boy friend was too lazy to spoon feed with child food and was just giving her a bottle of milk. he lied when he said he was giving her solid food. the mother was not going to listen to the childs grandmother or anyone else.
i eventually called cps on the whole situation, and a social worker was sent into the home. the young mother had venom in her eyes for me but i did what was best for the child.
best wishes and hugs for a good outcome.
This is terrifying. I think
This is terrifying. I think we are all on board with calling cps or to do whatever is necessary to keep this baby safe. I know dh and I are and I do think her mother feels the same. There will definitely be no more loans in my name. Sd and I have always had a special bond. We have definitely had our ups and downs but I am very fortunate with her. I wish I could keep her safe. I don't think drugs are a factor for her but I also thought she would never tolerate what she is now. This is just breaking my heart So far we have made it through the day without her going back to him. She will be going to work soon and we will start over tomorrow morning when she gets back from work. One day at a time.
My SD's husband is a violent
My SD's husband is a violent person and because of her marriage she has lost permanent custody of her youngest son to his father. SD married him in jail thinking that she would not have to testify against him in court. We have her twins (boy and girl) because CPS had to intervene when SD was arrested on a bench warrant. She was a failure to appear at her husband's trial on charges he took a shot at her and her eldest son during a fit of anger. SD and DH's ex-wife are such nasty individuals that ex-wife tried to get violent SIL to beat up eldest grand-daughter's boy friend! LET ME TELL YOU THAT I COULD WRITE A BEST SELLER ON THESE PEOPLE!
The moral of the story: Get her away from the violent one before she loses custody of her child. If she is being abused, so will that child!
So far so good. She is safe
So far so good. She is safe and has not went back. Baby is healthy and we are all surrounding her and trying not to smother. It’s a fine line I am finding out.