One Month and a Half Seperated and Pregnant. Feeling Pressured
Its been a month in a half after I left my husband at 9 months pregnant due to domestic dispute. I'm still at my moms and trying to make things work from my end. I'm 10 months pregnant and overdue. My husband is now pleading with me to come home and forgive him. He's been attending AA Classes and personal one on one counseling. I have been attending counseling of my own to help me figure myself and my situation out. My husband cries to me that it kills him that he wont be coming home to his baby girl everyday and that I and my family want the baby all to myself. I would never hurt anybody like that. I wish this wouldn't of happened but it did (Read previous blogs). All I want is peace for my 12 year old son (from previous marriage) and my unborn daughter. The thought of me going back to the same situation I was in plus a newborn baby. The thing is I feel guilty. Maybe because i feel pressured. Right now his mom is helping pick up the kids from school and his ex is suddenly being responsible for the kids on her time. Why didn't he make these arrangements when i was there? Why did he actually push me to leave to try to make things right? I'm due any minute now and i feel so much pressure. You ladies have helped me to stay strong when i first left. Any advise? Thank You in advance <3
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That is typical abuse talk.
That is typical abuse talk. They will try to draw you back in, tell you they won't do it again and how much they love and cherish you. But in the end, they will start abusing you again. People like that don't really change. Don't believe a word.
My advice would be to stay
My advice would be to stay the course. Other people are stepping up because you're not there and there's no other option. If you went back, it would all be dumped right back on you. This man is abusive. He can be nice because he wants something. He wasn't nice before, and it's highly unlikely that he'll remain nice for any length of time if you go back. Forget the guilt, you have no reason to feel guilty. You did what was best for you and your children. Hold your head high and don't feel guilty for a second.
The only one who should feel
The only one who should feel guilty is him - this is a situation he created by forcing you to be a nanny for his ex wife and himself, forcing you to be a maid for himself and verbally and eventually physically abusing you
You do not want that life for your daughter - have her abused and forgotten about
As you can see they can manage just fine without you but wouldn’t do it when they had poor little weak Mom of two under thumb
Also based on your last blog ... did you ever get any of that baby stuff? If he is so worried about his baby girl has he given you any baby stuff or any money to buy a single thing for her?
This man already manipulated you against the advice of EVERY person on a blog when you first left - which was to go the the police and report a domestic. You didn’t do it and now there is no prof of what happened
For the sake of your children continue to listen to those who are here and stay the course
Stay away from this man no matter how much he cries or how many classes he takes - it doesn’t matter and as soon as you go back all that will stop
Be strong for your children if you can’t be for yourself
Thank you for the advice. I
Thank you for the advice. I did go to the baby shower and I had my mom accompany me... And no, you are right. After we agreed that some stuff would be coming with me I didn’t bring home anything. He and his friends loaded everything in his car and he said he would later give it to me and he didn’t. Not even the extra car seat. His thing is that I don’t need anything right now since the baby isn’t born yet. I’ve been buying things little by little from my end. It’s hard to do so when I save up a bit and someone always needs money for something (mom). I have a roof over me and my sons head for now and that I am grateful. But as far as any help from my family there’s not much they can do. I know I’ll be fine after I have my daughter as far as going back to work. For now I have to suck it up and do what I can to make it work. He tells me I don’t need to buy anything since I have everything I need at the house (house I left). He doesn’t get it. I’m still helping with the business and scheduling his jobs but that money is used to pay the house bills and I’m very limited to money due to all the bills and child support he pays. I told him I wanted to bring my sons things over like his bed, TV, dresser and HIS things he had to leave behind but he said no. That that is his home and we’re going to work things out. I’m just waiting to have my daughter to go after him for everything. Right now I don’t feel like I have the strength to fight. I just want to be at peace until I give birth
So he promised to give you
So he promised to give you things and didn’t
And is refusing to allow you access to things that could make you and your son more comfortable?
I hope you are documenting all of this
Also why are you still doing all his scheduling ? If you are on maternity leave then surely this would not be the case. Are you being paid for doing these scheduling secretary services?
This man has continued to leave you with nothing to control you and force you back
Please talk to a lawyer and document everything to ensure that you can do right by your hold when it is born
I would tell him that you
I would tell him that you would feel much more comfortable having a carseat and a few other things that you'll need right away with you at your mom's house. If he says no, then you know he still doesn't care about your feelings. He's trying to control you. He's limiting your access to money and to baby paraphernalia in order to control you. Classic abuser MO.
I hope that your plan is NOT to return to working for him. You need your own job with your own paycheck direct deposited to your own account that only YOU control. You need to extricate yourself from this man and take control of your life. You cannot do that when you have so many ties to him and he has so much control over your finances.
Law enforcement will escort
Law enforcement will escort you to retrieve your belongings. This is what you will probably end up needing. Please don't go there to get your son's belongings without an escort.
I tried doing that on my own
I tried doing that on my own since he blocked my bank cards when I first left but he refused to take me off payroll and I didn’t qualify. He gave me back the card and the car but most of the money goes towards the house bills so what I can spend is very limited. I need a lawyer but I can’t afford one
When we set up the business
When we set up the business we did it as a direct deposit for him and I that gets sent to our personal joint account. So my dies t deposit under my name gets sent there. But that’s where the house bills and his child support gets taken out of so the money is limited. I’ve just been buying groceries necessities from that account.
Are you receiving an actual
Are you receiving an actual check or direct deposit? If not, then you can't show that you have an income. That will make you eligible for foodstamps and other forms of assistance.
Exactly, that’s what the
Exactly, that’s what the social service lady told me. It shows I make that income so I don’t qualify even though that money that is being deposited under my name isn’t really all going towards me. He pays the bills and child support for his other two kids from there. He won’t take me off because he said only losers get government and I’m just wanting the easy way out. That I can help him with the business and I can have access to the account but again the amount I can spend it limited. I know if he sees transactions that are unnecessary he will block my card again. I need a lawyer
Why are you letting your
Why are you letting your money go towards his CS payments? Me and My DH account is joint but even I don't pay his CS out of my check. I make sure it comes out when he gets paid. It's not your problem if he can't make his child support payments. Go to the bank as soon as the deposit is made and withdraw you paycheck. Legally, he can't withhold your check from you, even if he is your husband.
Wow, what an ass. He really
Wow, what an ass. He really has screwed you over again and again and.....
You need to submit paperwork
You need to submit paperwork to have your direct deposit send to a new account. I know he owns the business, but it will give you a paper trail at the very least
I agree that you need to set
I agree that you need to set up your own individual account and formally request that your direct deposit go to that new account. Remember that you are going to have to pay taxes on this money that you're not seeing. What about going to your bank and withdrawing the amount of your pay that's been deposited in there? It's yours, so there's no reason you shouldn't do that.
But you are right, you desperately need a lawyer. How about legal aid? Is there a law school anywhere near you? You might get someone there to help you as well.
With respect of the birth of your baby, the hospital will honor any wishes you have, including to keep your husband out. You just need to tell them. It doesn't matter that he's the father of the baby - if you tell them you don't want him there, they won't let him in.
Stay strong Hon, he did not
Stay strong Hon, he did not change, he's trying to manipulate you and this is emotional abuse, him crying over not seeing his baby daily, would get a reply from me like : Stop crying you did this to yourself, stop blaming other people for the shit you caused...
Oh and that baby girl will arrive soon, simply ignore him, proceed with the split and get your money paid into your new account, stop worrying that your mother is helping you, she's doing it out of love for you.
Stay the course and do not
Stay the course and do not let him pressure or guilt you into going back.
Sure, his mom is helping, now, and his ex is being more responsible, but that will not continue to happen if you go back. They are doing it because they have to because you are not there. That's it, that's the only reason, and I'm sure they wish you would move back!
My husband cries to me that it kills him that he wont be coming home to his baby girl everyday and that I and my family want the baby all to myself.
He is still trying to manipulate you and bully you. He is an abuser, plain and simple. Do not feel guilty for not wanting to raise your children in that environment. They deserve better and you deserve better.
I just now read your other
I just now read your other comments (about money and the baby shower gifts) and I just want to point out that the crap that he is doing, is certainly not the actions of man who is sincere in wanting to change.
Please, when you have the energy, search around for resources that can help you. Do you belong to a church? Know somebody who knows a family lawyer that could help? Years ago, the church that my sister attended paid for her divorce for her. There are people who are willing to help those in need.
Many cities have domestic
Many cities have domestic violence shelters where you can go for counselling and free legal advocacy.