I agree that no contact is the best approach. He has been so used to me reaching out and caring in spite of him divorcing me. I am such a dada when it comes to those kind of things. I should have had no contact after the divorce. I do not know why I continued to do so as it was very insulting and very cruel in what he did. This will be the first time that I have shut off and I think that he expects that I will contact him. However, I am now ready to walk away, and I am still sad about how things turned out and why they turned out that way they did. I feel sorry for him because it will be close to impossible for him to have any relationship considering how enmeshed his ds is. I hope he sees how damaging his relationship with his ds is, both for ds, and for him. Moreover, why he continues to live with such toxicity and anger in his household when he can just have him move out. He has paid for his ds rent before for years, and can certainly afford to do so again, in order to have peace and quiet.

I checked to see if he has put the house on the market, as he always complained about it, its maintenance, yard work, and the size 3,700 sq. ft. and 4 acres. He does not even sleep in a bedroom. He sleeps on the couch in the living room, as he needs the back of the couch to keep him sideways because his stomach is too big and causes too much pressure on his back when he sleeps on the bed. It had been years, except when we went on vacation, that he had slept with me before the divorce. He has not put it on the market which has me perplexed as to why he is waiting. Even if he moves his ds with him, he could purchase a condo and not have to do anything. Oh well, none of my business anymore.

No contact will definitely be a new chapter in my life, but it will be the healthiest for me. My friend told last night that I have PTSD because of how I react to people and she said she would hate to have me get upset with her as I would probably never want to have anything to do with her after that.

She is right, as I find myself just walking away from people that are rude and that treat me badly, instead of explaining to them what they did wrong. That is what I came out with from my marriage, as I would try to explain and try to talk about our issues, especially the effect of his ds, and they landed on deaf ears, and at its worse I would be yelled at and shunned, and I was finally divorced because of it. So I have just stopped trying to discuss issues of rudeness with these new found friends. I just stop associating with them when they are extremely rude and self centered. Why perpetuate a relationship when people behaving so rudely and self centered, I doubt that they will change when they have been that way their entire life. However, she said that I should not be like that. It is hard to know what to do. Being isolated for so long and I do not know how to behave with people. I am putting firm boundaries quickly. But she thinks they are too extreme. But hey, she does not have many friends herself, and I see that the majority of people in social settings do not like her much, so I do not know if I should follow her advice or not.

Being a newly single person, after being in a relationship where my ss was prioritized and I had little value, has really affected how I see myself in the world and how I interact. I hope I get it right soon. Its hard!

Sandye21 that is exactly what I am experiencing, then I am start to doubt myself. At this moment this one woman is extremely critical of everyone and talks about them negatively such as the way their hair looks, nails, clothing etc. She also thinks she is extremely beautiful, accomplished and so forth, and she is not. I am starting to find her toxic and I am starting to realize that after spending time with her I don't like the way I feel. She is the one that said that I have PTSD because I am setting boundaries with the way people treat me, she went as far as saying that instead of the spiritually oriented classes that I go to I should take classes on how to behave. This because I did not like what someone did to me. The thing is that I am a nice person and easy going.

As I am writing this it occurred to me that my ex would always tell me that something something was wrong with me and that I needed to seek psychological treatment even though I had been going to a therapist for years to cope with the situation at home. This woman is saying the same thing. In fact my ex and I lived together for 5 years, and then I thought it was time we marry, and he said no. When I asked him why? He said it was because of the way I was. I planned to move out after that and he then relented about marrying, but said he needed a year. Like a dummy I waited the year. I was good enough to live with, but not marry. I was very hurt.

He was also very critical regarding everything about me and what I did. For instance, we lived on 4 acres I would have loved to have a garden. However, that was his domain, anyway I planted a very small area of flowers, around a 6 feet by 4 feet area. When he came home and saw it, he got really angry at me and shunned me for about a week, then he told me that he would take care of the flowers, so I said okay. He ended up spraying something to kill them and then blocked up the area. Another time I bought a little pot of flowers to have on our deck so that I could see them when I was in the house. He took my pot and planted them way in the corner of the property.

It scares me that I am still attracting the same kind of controlling people.

Yes, now I regret sharing information with this friend as we frequent the same place. I can only imagine what she says about me when I am not around. She is quite opinionated and confrontational, persons have commented to me "why" do I socialize with her. Now I know that is because she feels familiar.

I do not want to repeat the past by having relationships with the same kind of people and it seems that is what I have been doing. It saddens me that I have let go of so many people including immediate family members within the last year. I have also distanced myself from my own mother, as she also says very cruel things, such I have no pride, makes fun of my relationship with my ex, ss, and sons.

I feel lonely and confused and the world seems much different than what I was used to living. At times is seems so surreal, as I cannot believe how some individuals behave. They actually seem like non persons to me, like bodies that are void of humaness. When I get home I shake my head in amazement of how differently I am now seeing people. Things are clearly changing in me, and it is affecting me.

I also find myself isolating and retracting, and I wonder if I am doing so because that is how I lived, when I lived with my ex. That again, I am creating the same environment. However, I really do not want controlling persons in it and it seems that thus far, that has been the case. How is it possible that my ex, mother, sons, ss and girlfriends all have the same characteristics? That is why I am questioning my judgement.

I also let go of my girlfriend of 40 years, she kept on inviting to spend the night at her house and wanted me to sleep on the floor without a mattress of any kind, or in a recliner. She has a 3 bedroom home that is completely paid for. It upset me, and I would tell her that I have a herniated back, have to use a c-pap machine and I could not sleep comfortably on the floor or recliner. Mind you, I took her on all paid trip to NYC, and also on a cruise, and the best she would do for me is the floor even though she has a family room and living room with couches. She invited me 7 times and each time I would tell her the same thing. Yet, she could not think of getting even an air mattress for me to sleep on. She also felt the need to tell me how to live and what I should change about myself, she would do so daily, starting with numerous text messages first thing in the morning and then followed with phone calls. Now that I write about it she was exhibiting the same behavior as ss with all his phone calls. It is things such as this that sadden me, and it is why I have let go. I then think, how am I coming across that people feel that they can treat me with such low regard. In her case, like a puppy she is bringing home that is not allowed on a bed.

I am not used to eliminating people from my life, even though they have been disrespectful and cruel. I would just tolerate and accept what they dished out. Now I find myself hitting delete on people, and the one thing I am questioning is am I being harsh on these persons by not being as understanding and accepting as I once was. Am I shunning them because that is how I was treated, or if am I being too sensitive. My ex used to accuse me of being too sensitive, and seeing myself as a victim, when I would complain about things or did not want to do what he wanted me to do. All these messages from people about my behavior are still rumbling in my head, I want them out.

That said, my ex is arriving today and I have been having dreams & nightmares of our life together and they have been so negative. However, these dreams are helping to set the tone should he contact me. You are right "no contact" is the best course, strangely I had not even considered that until the majority of you said the same thing. Thank you!

You are right, I will know that I have healed when I no longer give a hoot. The strangest thing is, especially since I have been writing about things, my heart no longer feels the same about him. I try think of how I felt about him, and I can no longer "feel" that feeling. Very strange that that feeling has dissipated like smoke in the air. I no longer "feel" the love for him that I had. I am so glad!

Oddly, after reading my posts, I am realizing that it was the conditioning that I have received over the years of having to tolerate, and being strongly encouraged, lest I suffer consequences, to put up with ss extremely rude behavior that has had the most impact on me and it has been difficult to step out of the role.

On most days ex was kind and treated me well, except when it came to his ds. The gaslighting, shunning, being yelled and raged at, and the insistence that I participated in events with ss was constant. The hurt that came from hearing dh tell his ds that we were engaged and in the same sentence telling him "don't worry I will make sure your money is protected" SS did not say one word to my ex such as congratulations. The first day of husband and wife being spent with SS, which by the way at our wedding dinner when ss asked dh about spending time with him my ds responded "yes, we have to set priorities."

Now that I am out of the boiling pot, I realize that because of the conditioning, I have readily accepted negative behavior from everyone, justifying why these persons treated me the they have with the many imagined excuses I made up. I did not want to believe that loved ones would purposely treat me badly. At the end, I never held them accountable for treating me as they did, as I could not hold my ss accountable for his behavior, ever! I could not utter one word of discontent as the consequences were so high. The end result I became a people pleaser, always trying to be nice no matter what, and make them feel better, so that they treated me better.

Looking back it feels that my life with dh and ss was one big black hole. Such a waste!
So last night I ran into my friend, and again she started to give me advice about accepting negative behavior, as I had told her what a mutual friend had done a couple of weeks ago. At the time she became very protective of his behavior and said that I should not have been offended by it, her exact words were "he is an innocent, he does not know any better." Wrong words to utter as that is how dh felt about his ds!

Last night I was prepared, thank you steptalk for that, and I told her with a clear and strong voice, "that I will not tolerate being treated badly from anyone, I do not care who it is, such as my sons or mother. That his behavior was wrong, and that it is in his nature to be that way, as he has acted that way before. That my threshold for accepting that type of behavior is none! Why should I waste my time with people treating me badly? Or, even having to explain to him, when it will not make one bit of difference.

She looked at me not knowing what to say, I saw the surprise in her eyes and I felt the taking back of the power she thought she had over me. She immediately tried to change the topic. I think she finally saw me in a different light. She never expected me to be this way. She then went on to say, that I should have explained at the moment he did it. I think she was correct about that, I then explained that it shocked me and I was very confused as to what had happened.

However, my next learning step is how to confront negative behavior immediately, as I was never allowed to do so for the last 25 years. The control I allowed ex have over me, now that I am out, is unbelievable. Never did I realize the extent of his control, until now that I am completely out of the pot. All over a grown man-baby, or as the term my friend used "an innocent".

What occurred last night was really helpful, even as I am writing this morning, I still feel the strength of my words and my soul is remembering how I used to be.

Wow Sandye21 you are very perceptive especially with "Think back to your friend's interactions with others. Surly, she wouldn't accept rudeness or being treated badly, so why would she expect you to? It's a double standard." You are right, she yells and jumps at people quickly, and for the simplest things, and even does it in a way that is humiliating to the person she is doing it to. For instance we were in a bar having a drink and they had just hired a new bartender. My friend had scooted her empty glass forward to indicate she would like another. The bartender came over and asked her if she wanted another drink. My friend exploded yelling at her, "that is what it means when one puts a glass there, why do you think it is there? and then continued berating her. Everyone in the bar responded to my friend, telling her to leave her alone, that she is new, and so forth. The patrons were clearly angered by her outburst. That is what people do not like about her.

Anyway, I wonder why would she expect me to tolerate rude behavior?

Sandye21 what your wrote "Now, I do not visit my Mother often, and when I have a conversation with her it is like a weather report - no personal stuff to give her 'ammunition' for a put-down. You can use this to communicate with your 'friend', not giving her any personal information so she can 'fix your problem' and make judgements about you", is exactly what I am going through. It feels like I am purging everything and everyone around me. I also no longer visit my mother much or share information like I once used to. I had also decided to do this with my friend, and she invited me to dinner party at her house, and I have declined. I have done the same thing with our mutual friend that was rude to me.

The effect is that again, I am alone and feeling the loneliness. When will this end? I make friends and once they start with controlling tactics and insults I am out the door. It seems like such a waste of time and energy. Where are all the nice people? I am still attracting persons like ex and other family members. How do I change this. I no longer want to live in that world.

I decided to have an aha moment, and up one on the friend who is a narcissist. Yesterday out of the blue she told me my eyebrows are too narrow. A few minutes later is waving her had over herself saying how beautiful she is, and who wouldn't want a piece of her. Who does that???

Anyway, I tell very few people about my education and I use very simple language when communicating with others. I finished my resume and decided to send it to her, asking her to look for any typos. A short recap of my resume: finished Doctoral exams, Masters, 2 Bachelor degrees. Apart from that, an internship at Phillips Academy at Andover, a graduate fellowship and a graduate assistantship in Political Science, also awarded at the same time a graduate assistantship from The Institute of Latino Studies, letter from President of the University commending my class project, "Best Thesis" award by the United University Professors, teaching award from Political Science department, Dean's List and scholarship from undergraduate school. Not to mention classes I have taught and I was also on the advisory board for about 5 years at the Institute. Most of this time I was a single parent.

I am sure she was surprised, and I wonder if she will tell me that my eyebrows are too narrow again! Lets see what she tells other people about me. I just love aha moments like this!

You know writing what I just did about my achievements and resume, I now realize that I had shoved all of it aside and forgotten who I was. Instead, I focused on my dh and let his slug of a ds, who stopped as a freshman of high school, treat me the way he did. I also let dh drum everything out of me, so much so, that I became an empty shell just absorbing what he threw at me. You are right, by letting them occupy the space in my head there was no room for me!

After writing what I did about my achievements, realizing that I did it all under incredible odds, with two children in tow. I now have absolutely no one now to hold me back or work against me. I just realized that, what an opportunity!

Thank you so much for allowing me to expose the layers I have inside of me and to remember. I feel really good!