Do not try and talk to DH right now - it will get you no where. I get why you are upset, especially about SS disrespecting DH, but there is nothing you are going to do that is going to change that dynamic. SS is 17 and DH has been treating him this way for too long for anything to change now unless DH really wants it to.

In one of your previous blogs you talked about disengaging - that is what you need to do now to save your sanity. Unless SS does something that directly affects you, ignore it. If SS disrespects DH, then it is up to DH to deal with it. If he doesn't, then the behavior must not bother him much.

Any way you can leave for a day or two - just to get some distance and get the emotions calmed down?

I went through what you are. My ssons would come and go as they wished. I would get angry and rage. And where did it get me? Digestive upsets, the forming of an ulcer and stress eating I am trying to resolve. So what did I do?
I gave up. I just gave up. I became 2 different people. To DH I was the sweet lady he married and loved. The ssons? Totally ignored them. I did not speak to them, The only thing I insisted on was knowing of they were in or out of the house for safety reasons. If there was a house fire I wanted to know how many people were in the house.
They came in late and DH fumed and did nothing "I 'm sorry." They mouthed off at their father? "I'm sorry." Blew him off? "I'm sorry."
DH had to learn how much he was accepting and I was not in that equation. This was his battle.

See, being nice and calm and ignoring (oh how hard that was!) ssons shitfest behavior I actually defeated them. I won my husband. They were not awful kids and did not want to upset their father as much as they didn't care if they upset me. But teen boys are like this. My YSS knew the door was locked at 10pm. So he just didn't come home. Yeah, dick move.

Eventually they found out I am not the enemy. I was not the mum replacement. I am their fathers wife and I can pick and choose what to do and not do for them without a blink of an eye.

I kept to myself. Stayed happy and calm. DH LOVED it and still does. Ssons know their limit with me and have found that keeping me happy makes their father a LOT more happy about helping them.

I'm not sure what all that bedding grabbing, mumbling "I've had it" and stomping to the sofa was suppose to accomplish.

Just what does your SS17 care if you're p*ssed and threatening to sleep apart from DH? How were these tantrums and actions the solution or helpful to what was immediately happening. Disobedient SS17 came home 20mins late, second evening in a row, but somehow you raging at DH and refusing to sleep in the same room was the answer?

And what consequences at 11:44pm do you think your DH could dish out? I've never found it beneficial to scream and punish in the heat of the moment. In fact doing so can escalate the confrontation....which it obviously did in your case.

This is a rebellious teenager who is sliding into drugs and per your previous blogs, making terrible decisions. So again, what consequences can your DH hand out at 11:44pm at night that is going to make a difference between then and perhaps early this morning? Ground him? Take electronics away? Physically fight? Open the door and pitch the kid to the curb? Would any of that made everything 'all better' , changed the kid around, and then Dad and you would have been able to go off to bed together and everything would be sunshine and roses this morning?

Your DH and you need a real game plan. Or if you're 'done', then your DH. What the plan will be, the expectations of following it. Whether that is drug counseling rehab along with family counseling (with someone that is trained in stepfamilies also). Perhaps the plan will instead be zero tolerance and out the door the kid goes. Maybe the plan will be to simply drop kid off at BM's and be done with him (however it's BM who you seem to blame for t=all the kid's faults). Maybe it will be a combination of different approaches including removing the kid from the current environment (yes, moving to another school district and therefore omitting the current friends and temptations). Maybe a military type boy's school. IDK.

But I do know what happened last evening solved nothing. Not for you, not for DH and certainly not the teen.

Been there, done this. It is miserable to raise Step-teens. Just walk away, out of ear shot, when this all begins. If you cannot, like late at night, tell DH to take it up with his son the next day, away from your ears and presence.

Turn the entire situation over to your DH, never engage with SS17. Do not get involved, it will only destroy your marriage.

When DH and I met, YSS was age 15; same issues, only SS15 would run to BM, if he didn't get his way with DH. Therefore, it only became a more difficult situation. Finally with BM and DH enabling YSS15 he got into serious trouble with the law.

Long story short, he was in and out of the Justice system since age 16, until 3 years ago. YSS is now age 53. He spent the last 15 years in State prison, many years in Juvenile system, then County jails, then State Prison. With all of this said, I was the mean SM that cut the purse strings and booted him out at age 20. He wrecked our vehicles, run up our phone bill, destroyed and sold our personal properties.

The day I put my foot down, not a word from DH, and it was the first time I had put my two cents in. SD56 hates me and says I hate YSS53. OSS58 says I did the right thing, because nobody else would take the action to stop the turmoil in our home.

You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Leave it up to your DH until your SS17 is emancipated. I did this. YSS lived with us, until he joined the Air Force at age 18. I left DH in charge until then, I would just make sure they took their problems away from me. YSS also received a dishonorable discharge from the Air Force. YSS53 has not had any connection with our life for 30+ years, only because I put my foot down. He has been out of prison 3 years, we have had lunch with him once, and he stopped by for 45 minutes to visit his Dad once; total twice in 3 years. I say nothing and never discuss it with anyone. I was never engaged with this SS anyway; therefore, it was easy; I can't even tell you what he is doing or for sure where he lives. DH knows, I'm sure, but it's not my problem as long as SS53 stays away from our home.

Good Luck
If you want your marriage, let DH handle this for now. Obtain your own space and insist they take it out of your home.

Unfortunately SS won because your DH said that "he is ruining your marriage;" that is exactly what SS wants.

Time to disengage and ignore SS--let your DH deal with him as hard as that may be. It immediately takes you out of ogre status. DH is trying to please two people; which will never happen. DH needs to realize that you are right and SS is wrong but he will never come to that realization if you try to parent SS. Sounds counter intuitive but that's the way it works in the mixed up world of step families.

I am trying to wrap my brain around the fact that you are this "disgusted" over a kid, THAT IS NOT YOURS, being 20 minutes late on a curfew his FATHER does not care about.

Totally honest... you are causing all the drama. YOU are the one that is probably making your DH "not want to live like this anymore."

You need to chill. I mean really chill. Stop talking to your DH about his son. Stop talking to SS unless it is to say hi and bye. Just be married. You marriage has to be worth more than a SS that was 20 minutes late.

Next time SS is late, just say Hi SS how was your night. And say it with a smile. If DH wants to discipline him, he will. But it should not matter to you one iota if he does or not.

Girl,,,disengage yesterday.

Kids should never be tolerated in jeopardizing a marriage. Particularly a 17 yo toxic spawn.That DH has not jerked a knot in his toxic spawn's tail is sad. We would have rued the day that we put our father in that position with his bride and at 17 would have been on the curb after getting our asses kicked.

When I was 16 I made the mistake of getting lippy with my parents when they informed me that I was going to Military School. My father gave me the look, opened his brief case, wrote out a check for $500 and told me to do what I was told or GTFO and write my mom when I found a place to live but that $500 was the last support I would receive from my parents. Fortunately we were in an airport waiting to put my dad on a plane because if we had been at home I would have been in a world of hurt. I held that check with my mouth agape for a significant amount of time until the flight was called for boarding. At which point I handed the check back to my dad, apologized to he and my mom, and agreed to comply with their instructions. So.... off to Military School I went. My parents and I have always been very close and remain so nearly 40 years after that incident. I was fortunate to survive that bout of teen boy Cranio-Rectitis.

That your DH tolerates his toxic spawns behavior makes me nauseous and makes me hurt for you. DH's tolerance of this little asshole jeopardizing your marriage is just wrong.

Take care of you.

Good luck.

I’m so sorry. I can definitely relate. I’m with the father to an almost 16 year old who also ignores the rules, is disrespectful, entitled, lazy, etc. He’s caused quite a bit of trouble between his father and I quite a few times. I’ve gotten so upset that I’ve left before. My fiancé babies this teen and sometimes does nothing to avoid more of a fit from the kid. I’m more one to get the kid to realize life involves structure, responsibility and respect.