Parenting Conflict
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My DSD is 15 years old. My husband lets her get away with things and honestly I think he covers for her. Even goes as far to lie for her. She has no chores and when she does anything its half assed. And he says, well at least she's doing something. She only does it to go somewhere and I am TIRED of doing everything. He doesn't hold her accountable at all.
How do I handle this? Anytime there is an issue I am blamed.
Seems like your DH will
Seems like your DH will always back SD and not you.
Time to have a nice long chat with DH and tell him something needs to change and if hes not willing to change and you cannot continue to live like this then leave.
How often is she over?
Ha! Over? Her mother moved
Ha! Over? Her mother moved out of state and we have her 24/7. Well her mom comes back every other weekend so there is 4 days out of the month we don't have her. The issue isn't her, he just caters to her every need. I think he is trying to make up for his divorce but geez its killing me. She has no respect for either of us. He allows it so I blame her. She is a decent kid, gets good grades, but has no responsibility and he just lets it slide. She barely speaks to us and when she does its because she wants something. Super mom comes back 2-4 days a month and plays best friend which makes it worse.
I'd agree w/DH that SD is
I'd agree w/DH that SD is doing as much as she can and to her full potential. What an amazing help she is around the house..gush, gush, gush. Although she does soooooo much there is still tons to do and it's too much for work for just one person to finish. You are such an understanding wife and SM and don't want to burden them, that's why you're going to hire someone to come in and assist you w/the housework a few times a week...on DH's dime of course }:)
*You should see DH jump to finish a project when I suggest that he's too overburdened and we should hire someone to do it. Works every time!
Nope, I did hire a
Nope, I did hire a housekeeper to keep the fighting down. He doesn't care if I pay for it as long as precious peanut isn't doing it. That's my point she has ZERO damn responsibility. I was going to find a babysitter for my little ones, he said, not DSD can do it. I thought great. Little did I know she asked how much she was going to get paid for this. I paid her prior to know about this and she said oh dad was going to pay for me doing it.
Way to act like you support me just to go behind my back and bribe her.
I don't think I can live like
I don't think I can live like this any longer. Anytime she makes a tiny effort he's over the moon about it but me, I have to go above and beyond 24/7/365 to even get noticed. And he says she's trying, you need to reciprocate. Oh you mean but doing house work, paying bills, making dinner, driving her places
This is all exactly what the
This is all exactly what the issues were almost two years ago when you posted.
It's every obvious that her father does not hold the same parenting standards that you hold. It's also obvious you do not hold DH responsible for parenting her or for making you their doormat. Both your SD and your DH are as guilty as the other one.
Yes, it would drive me nuts to have a teen and a full grown man living in my household that don't hold the same values that I have for myself and my other two children. However, this SD isn't going anywhere for at least 2-3 more years and your DH has no intentions of finally stepping up and playing active father, parent, role model or teacher. All of which happens to be his 'job' and duty as the actual parent.
Your DH is fine with how things are. It's you who is not ok with his parenting and his attitude towards it. I mean thnk about it. Why would the teen knock herself out doing and behaving the way you desire her to be and act when her dad makes it perfectly clear she doesn't have to?
I agree so do I just leave? I
I agree so do I just leave? I really hate that to be my option. And yes, not much has changed. It got better than back to the norm.
Only you can know the answer
Only you can know the answer to that. Have DH and you tried marriage counseling together? Are the younger two children also the children of your DH?
When things did start to improve, what prompted the improvement and what prompted the decline into the old ways again?
If DH is only promising to have things improve but then as soon as he gets you over thoughts of leaving rapidly lets it all drop again, I would think he is not serious in real improvement. IMO, he would continued trying and have lasting improvements in parenting and dealing with his daughter that he could see and be pleased with and want to continue on the path of taking his role seriously. But instead it seems as son as you settled down over fussing about things, he went right back to being the non-parent. SD's friend instead of father.
We are I counseling now. The
We are I counseling now. The two younger ones are mine and he has no problem holding them to a standard.
I think things improved because I started letting things go. Her responsibility from then just went down hill. Counselor says just let it go, but that's very hard to do when she lives with us full time. He thinks I should be fine with 75% of things getting done. Its been 5 years I think she should have expectations and she should be able to meet them. It's not like I am asking her to do anything above and beyond. Seriously, she is supposed to mow once a week and keep her room clean. If her room/laundry isn't done then she isn't allowed to go somewhere. He says, its 75% done or maybe he said 80% who the hell cares, and he thinks half assed is fine.
All that teaches her is to half ass it in life and someone will take care of the rest.
Let your DH do her chores. I
Let your DH do her chores. I told my SSons months ago moving forward please wash any dishes you use. They wash when they feel like. One night I came home and there were a few dishes in the sink. I asked who's dishes are these. DH got right off his rusty dusty and washed the dishes. He didn't want to bother them. When they were here on Saturday and used dishes, guess who washed them? Yup DH.
Clean her room? and mow the
Clean her room? and mow the grass? he won' do it, he will say leave it, she will get to it. But I will sure try again with this.
Close the door to her room.
Close the door to her room. Send DH in for dishes and trash as needed. Hire exterminator. No friends allowed over if room not clean.
Or take door off the room...room kept clean or no door.
Yard mowed once a week on same day ( give or take a day if raining). or she stays home until the next week. No friends over if yard not mowed. No internet or phone for week if scheduled mowing date missed.
Or hire yard service.
Let princess grow up spoiled and entitled. Hopefully she will marry young and be off your hands. Let DH know that you will not tolerate grown lazy kid living with you. Start saving for your exit plan now.
Tell him to leave your kids alone and parent his own.
I've tried to enforcer these
I've tried to enforcer these rules of her not being able to do something if her chores aren't done. He makes excuses for her and he ultimately has the say. Shit hit the fan last night and he said I honestly just don't think you like her. I said at times, I don't, but its not her, its you. We are trying to raise an adult for the world and you just coddle her
Disengage, let her do what
Disengage, let her do what ever she wants, you are not her parent.
If she leaves a mess in the living room, simply tidy after her and trash everything, you told her enough times she has to clean and take her stuff to the room, she ignores you... if DH gets pissy about it laugh and say... why do I have to live like a pig, either she takes her shit to her room or I will trash it, end of it...
Stay out of her room, nothing to do with you, if it starts to stink - close the door and put air freshener on the outside... if you share a bathroom, lock all your stuff up and what ever she leaves, you simply trash it...
dirty dishes, you don't touch it, you leave it and tell DH to clean it, you are not the maid.
Once a month hire a cleaning company and let them come and clean everything... use DH's credit card to pay for it..
in short simply disengage, she's never going to listen to you, stop wasting your breath
Its so hard to disengage when
Its so hard to disengage when she's with us full time. It's hard for me to feel disrespected, I told him I was tired of being a doormat. He just makes excuses for her. He said she always asks if you need help. I said, yes, she does AFTER I AM DONE DOING EVERTHING!
I get it, she's his #1, but she will be gone soon and it irritates me he doesn't put emphasis on our marriage.
PS- I love the pirate thing, that's dead on
No hon - not hard to
No hon - not hard to disengage at all.... it's easy, I've done it lol...
simply ignore her... pretend she's a house mate all on her own.
You are doing this all to yourself. Chores for SD is doing dishes, vacuuming, why are you doing it cause she is to lazy - you simply leave it and ignore it and tell DH - SD did not vacuum today do you mind doing it...
SD wants a lift to the shops - you reply with No I'm busy ask your Dad....
To DH you say, seeing you have no authority in the house and SD has no respect for you, you are disengaging, you will not be doing anything for her or her chores, you are not the maid, either he step up and sorts it out or he will stand in for her.... and then keep your word.
find things for yourself to do, gardening what ever to keep you busy... and simply ignore SD..
you simply cook once a day, food you like, not what she likes, either she eats it or Daddy sort her out, you do not even do her laundry and that includes towels and bedding, she's old enough to do it herself.
It's not going to be easy, it's going to take time, but you will feel allot better...
I struggle with ignoring her,
I struggle with ignoring her, she already doesn't have a mother, but its sad to say I see why she left. I'm sure they did the same thing to her. DH expects me to be present during her events, cheer/homecoming, etc. I did go to the gym yesterday and picked myself up some Subway. It was funny to come home and see them looking for dinner ideas. Cereal won!
Disengagement can mean a lot
Disengagement can mean a lot of things. It doesn't necessarily mean you are SHUNNING the girl.
What it can mean is that you step back and let dad do the heavy lifting when it comes to his daughter. If you are cooking dinner.. sure... cook enough for 3 but if she doesn't show up or doesn't like what you made, let her/him deal with that. Simply pack up her uneaten portion and take it to lunch tomorrow.
Chores, well, certainly, her room is her responsibility. Her laundry is also her responsibility. No undies honey? Did you do your laundry this week? Post instructions in the laundry room, have dad show her and be done with that.
Don't pick up after her. If she leaves stuff about, ask her dad to clean the stuff up. Yes, it means, you may have to look at it longer but it won't change if you keep fixing it before he can.
If she is gone a lot with friends and activities.. so much the better... less time you have to deal with her right?
You go to events for him.. not for her. Now that is a fine line... but sometimes you may attend something with him because he likes it... not because you are being there for her.
Who knows, your relationship may improve with her over time without the stress of you feeling like you have to ride herd on her.. and as she matures. 15 is a pretty self centered age.
Thanks, I appreciate the
Thanks, I appreciate the insight. She does do her laundry. The only request I have was she needs to get her stuff done prior to going out with friends. From what I am reading I guess it shouldn't matter what she does and let her father deal with it.
It's tearing us apart. DSD and I used to have a very good relationship, until I gave her responsibility now I'm the devil.
Hon... she does have a
Hon... she does have a mother.... and it's not you, get that fact in your head and you will have won 50% of the battle,
you are not responsible for this child,
you are not responsible for the sort of adult she will become one day,
you have no obligation towards this child...
Treat her like you would treat the neighbors children, greet friendly and be on your way, nothing more and nothing less, if she asks you are you ok, smile and say yeah thanks for asking I'm great and go on your way...
if she asks you for a lift and you did not plan to drive anywhere then say, Sorry you will have to ask Dad I do not have any plans driving in that direction...
It's not totally ignoring her, you are still friendly if she's friendly towards you, but you do not help her with anything, she's not your responsibility..
nothing wrong with you going to the gym in the evenings, joining a book club, a walking club on week-ends, nothing wrong with you declining to go to her cheer, or any other event. You are an adult, you are not a child, DH can't tell you what to do... you decide your own faith and destiny.
Think about it this way - DH is quick to give you dinner instructions and telling you how to spend your week-ends.. he treats you like his child and his daughter like the adult and you are allowing it... once you see this, you will say puck this, I'm an adult I can decide for myself...
The neighbor thing makes
The neighbor thing makes sense. I'm just not going to go out of my way anymore because its not reciprocated. And you are right, if she's not around then I don't have to deal with her. Its on him if she turns out entitled and spoiled....already is.
What should I say when he asks my opinion? God knows he won't listen so why does he even ask?
2nd- how do I address the you don't even like her. Really? I do a lot of shit for her and that I guess isn't enough. I'm just pretty tapped out right now. Hindsight I would never engage in this again.
all easy things here.. When
all easy things here..
When he asks your help
reply: You don't need my help Hon, you are a great Dad.
(Eventually this will come to the real answer - Excuse me why do you think I will do this if you as her father is not willing to do this?)
When he asks your opinion
Hon, I'm not her parent and you would know best what to do...
MY fav: You don't even like her, You hate my daughter
Answer - Yes I do, but it's not only her, it's all disrespectful people who acts entitled, so it's not personal
You do not have to do anything her own father does not want to do, it's not your problem Hon
You don't spend any money on SD, it's all up to her daddy
Then DH will kick up dust, he will get very nasty and try emotional black mail like... I do not know why we are still marriage, maybe we should separate, (don't panic, look him in the eye and say, Well if that's your stance on it then yes I agree, I will not force any one to love me... then leave)
Make sure you have a place to go, or the finances for a night or 2,
Those are great. I think it
Those are great. I think it will take practice for me. I'm typically a control freak so I need to just step back and let go. It did feel pretty good last night when he was shitty and then asked what the dinner plan was. I simply said, I already ate, you are on your own. That was nice.
I will try these all out this week. My time with them is minimal this week. Which I am grateful for.
The whole trick to it all
The whole trick to it all is...
Disengage from brats, and remain engaged to your husband... do not disengage from him, it's more tricky then what it sounds, remember the guy you fell in love with and simply go with it, do not recent him for the shitty father he is ,
keep on doing little things for him... personal things lol, like doing his laundry, rub his back...., message his feet infront of the SD, oh that will drive her bonkers, she will try and get him away from you.. he will stay
Now that one will be hard.
Now that one will be hard. Because they are like peas in a pod. Almost gross sometimes. But I see where you are coming from. I'm struggling how to make amends to this argument we are in right now. We typically do lunch but I don't want to roll over like I normally do. I would like to get my point across rather than just try to make amends.
The marriage ended at the
The marriage ended at the part where your DH lies IMHO. Not something that I believe anyone should tolerate in a marriage.