The Approaching Holidays

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The time of year I used to LOVE is now what I dread the most. OSD40 usually informs us of our holiday plans, the when and where , most of the time either at YSD34 home or at a vacation property on the coast near MSD38, though we have never done the coast trip, mainly because #1) there's a no pet policy. my little buddy is WELL behaved and doesn't bark but when he needs to go out someone might see him. #2) It usually cost $200.00-300.00 per night per family plus fee's. #3) Since it's a gated area there is also a no RV parking policy, so....Not to mention the fear SOMEONE(OSD40) would try to assign us very near BM overnight. No telling how time SS36 will spend with the others if at all. On rare occasions ,OSD40 has the gathering at her home (3hrs away) but the coast is also 3 hrs drive IF there's no snow over the pass.
For the most, I adore the sgkids, and don't get to see them very often. OSD40 has a habit of changing plans at the last minute (after we have arrived ,sometimes) and everyone else just goes along with it, it seems, though, these changes never actually caused inconvenience for them.
DH has promised not to make any commitment until we have talked it over...ALONE. We haven't actually spent Christmas with any of the skids in 3 years ,and have not exchanged gifts with them either. Neither the skids or sgkids realized I'm The One that Bought and Wrapped ALL the Gifts! I'm actually not opposed to it (for the most part) but I am now at a different job and working a lot less hours, the days of getting everyone a portable dvd player, and the sgkids ( 10 of them 2mos.-18yrs) Vtech systems is gone.
DH and I do have separate accounts, he pays the utilities, home insurance,his car insurance, sattilite. I buy the groceries and household stuff, and my car insurance, and I have a cell phone. And we each have our own credit cards.
DH is not a shopping person, with him, a gift from him is when he walks up and hands you $ 10.00
but this hasn't happened at Christmas since we got together 15yrs ago. So if by some strange aligning of the planets we do spend Christmas with them, and the usual pile of gifts aren't there ,they ( with prompting from OSD40) will assume that I some how bullied Daaaddee into withholding their loot. Of course if I told them, daddy hadn't bought ANY Gifts in umpteen years, they'd (meaning OSD40) will say I'm lying.
The dread from approaching "joyous" occasions grows bigger by the day. DH and I are trying to decide which scenario we will "submit" to, and which we won't, and the when. OSD40 is known for changing holidays, like Christmas on New Years Eve, I could understand if someone had a CO visitation issue, but they don't, OR ,or if we could have separate celebrations from BM! but it's just her personal preference.
Short of total disengagement, I'd like to hear how everyone else deals with these obstacles.

Christmas isn't just about

Christmas isn't just about getting or receiving gifts. It is different things to different people. To me, Christmas is family but also celebrating the birth of a child who gives hope to the world. To DH, Christmas is giving his kids money and watching the, open far too many tacky presents. They are atheists who worship the God of spending.
I feel you and DH should spend Christmas exactly how you want to. I don't know what we'll do this year- I may go to spend it with my daughter and her children, I may stay home with DH. I hope I can be generous with my time and company.

I also dread the holidays.

I also dread the holidays. For years I have bought gifts, made gifts, made the big dinners and cleaned up the big messes.

The skids have NEVER appreciated anything we have done for them or anything we have bought for them.

The big dinners are at my home. OSD ALWAYS changes the date that she can come. In the past I would try to work it out so that everyone could come on the same day but have only be successful a couple times. OSD will change our plans at the last moment and tell us when they will be there.

A few years back I started sending group text message stating when we (dh & I) would be celebrating Thanksgiving or Christmas. I had gotten tired of dh trying to inform OSD and dh relaying to me that he still did not know. So I sent text messages and I asked for RSVP. AND informed dh how I handled. I heard from everyone but OSD. So about a week before the event my dh asks me if OSD is coming. I say, "I don't know, I sent a text to everyone and she was the only one not to reply." My dh then calls OSD who tells dh that they had decided to just stay home and relax. Fast forward, osd calls dh 2 days before we are to celebrate Thanksgiving and tells him they will come down on Monday (this is 2 days AFTER I plan to celebrate Thanksgiving). OSD was off the Saturday I planed to celebrate Thanksgiving but could not attend. DH is absolutely NO HELP and I ended up cooking two big meals.

Christmas was a wash, rinse and repeat! So OSD decides when they will come to our home to celebrate. OSD is passive aggressive and comes when she damn well pleases. I am left angry as I feel used and unsupported.

I no longer send OSD texts. I don't waste my time. When she sends her dad and me a group text, I don't reply to it either. I ignore it. I have decided she does not want to hear from me anyway so I give her what she wants. I did the same on social media after being ignored by OSD & her DH.

I have managed to take care of future Thanksgiving by playing her little game but when they show on the date of their choosing, I simply have a regular meal instead of the huge spread I normally do. DH knows I am angry about it so although he wants me to make a huge meal for the royal family, I don't. I did in the past but like I said, If they want to change the date, they can have a simple meal. It is still a nice meal but what I really would like to do is serve them frozen pizza.

I have not managed to take care of Christmas & OSD control and manipulation. So far in 13 years of marriage, OSD as only shown up on the date I selected twice. I am angry and have not figured how to get control of it. Christmas is the hardest for me as I am so sick of all the work and NO APPRECIATION. Although I have really toned down the gifts, I really just want to run away. I am thinking about making a donation in their name and handing them a card that states just that. Oh, and I would of course write "Merry Christmas" }:)

Christmas is not enjoyed because of the skids. I enjoy my family. They are appreciative.

I am also angry at myself as I have let these bullies steal my joy and the whole reason we celebrate Christmas in the first place. The birth of Jesus. Maybe doing the donation thing would help, although I know I will get push back from dh.

OP, Sorry, I know I am of no help to you. Seems we are in the same boat. I say we each take an oar and have a sd/sm smack down

Jam, you have some really

Jam, you have some really good ideas to help in your Holiday dilemma but the real problem is your DH. Your DH is expecting WAY too much from you. OSD acts like she thinks she's Queen. Her decisions and desires come first before anyone. Your DH is expecting you to be at her beck and call. Let DH take care of her visit. If he wants to cook a big meal let him do it at his expense and on his time. Smile like YOU are the Queen of your home, and don't lift a finger!

Another thing you could do is when you find out when OSD decides to grace you with her presence, arrange for 'something to come up' so that you have to leave.

I DO understand what you are going through. This same scenario happened for decades with my 'Queen' SD. DH's Holiday expectations of me and and my Holiday expectations of him were way unbalanced - a double standard. When SD chose to visit I did all of the work. When my family visited I did all of the work and DH would hide out somewhere. He got off the hook every time. That would never happen today.

Thanks Sandy You are so right

Thanks Sandy

You are so right and I like your advise. I think I will try to have something arranged to do ahead of time. OSD seems to always want to "grace us with her presence" a couple days after my get together. I am planning on doing something with my bd.

My dh IS the problem and most likely will always be the problem. He is afraid of his kids and since 2 of the 3 are estranged from us, I think he overcompensates osd trying to gain favor.

Yep, stroke, stroke, stroke.

Yep, stroke, stroke, stroke.
DH and I have been married almost 12 years. The situation wouldn't be so bad if not for the fact the rest of the skids (so that means the sgkids, too) go along with her date changes. I have one biobrother myself, an aunt & uncle 5 hrs away who can't travel themselves.DH loves them, but there's 10 of them living in a small 3 bdrm. But that a WHOLE other site. My BS is recently engaged and will probably be with new IL's (they all live 4 hrs away)and my BD is out of state. And some family half way across the country, so,yeah, OSD40 pretty much has all the control

We have had quite a bit of

We have had quite a bit of stress around here lately and decided to take a cruise the week of Thanksgiving. Not sure how Christmas will pan out.

I too used to love the holidays and the blended family aspect took a lot from it. When the SDs were in their 30's, they still expected presents in the $500+ range. Yes, DH could afford it, but the money grab was a spectacle, especially the one year we hadn't put all the presents under the tree yet and they could not find their money.

I used to make handmade reclaimed frames with photos I took, cross-stitched Christmas pictures, DH got all the thanks, one year I got a plastic toy. Dh has been in charge of presents for the last year.

"one year I got a plastic

"one year I got a plastic toy" OMG that is funny in a not so funny way. You should have re-gifted it back to her on her birthday }:)
I guess that trumps the smelly lotion I got, when I put it on SO gave this is gross face and stated "that smells way too strong, I've smelled that before".. Am I paranoid?? But I am sure this was just another PA trick from my oh so tricky SD. Fun and games

Me too. I never got a

Me too. I never got a birthday gift and rarely got a Christmas gift but what I DID get was pathetic at best. The last Christmas we spent with SD I received an outdated bottle of pancake syrup and a tiny jar of jam SD had made. It was presented to me in a gift bag SD had gotten out on my closet.

Oh my. Maybe your SD is

Oh my. Maybe your SD is environment friendly, that's why she used your gift bag from your closet.
Nothing says you are special like an outdated bottle of pancake syrup.

Pancake syrup and jam?

Pancake syrup and jam? HAHAHA! Amazing. And your DH probably said it was the thought that counts.

A plastic toy? Hope you sent

A plastic toy? Hope you sent a nice thank your card

Mostly we don't get anything from osd. One year osd & her dh gave us a book that's title insulted our political affiliation. Another year, like Sandye, we got a small jar (tablespoon size jar) of homemade jelly, which osd expects you to fall all over yourself giving her compliments.

Also, I never receive anything for mothers day but one year she sent me an unsigned mothers day card and then texted me that the sgkids had sealed it before they could sign it and that she did not have the heart to unseal it.

Once in awhile, my osd has the sgkids write thank you notes. They ALWAYS thank papa for everything and I don't even get an honorable mention. Somehow I think I can relate to Paul Revere horse

This is my second Christmas

This is my second Christmas married to DH. My SSs are still kids and because BM claims that her family only gets together on Christmas Eve, DH has them every Christmas Day. He can't pick them up until 10am on Christmas Day and now that the kids are entering adolescence and don't get up as early, BM always asks if he can come later.

Last year, I spent Christmas with DH's family, but this year, I intend to see my own family. I haven't gone to a family gathering with my family since last Thanksgiving, so I'm well overdue, but it stinks that I'll have to spend the holiday without my husband if I want to see my family.

I realize this is a different issue, but I'm also at the point where I realize that holidays are the worst time of the year for stepparents.

I'm hoping once the kids are older, that I can convince DH to just go away ourselves for the holidays and avoid the whole thing.

Also, my SSs don't even get anything for DH for Christmas (or Father's Day or his birthday), so I would fall over dead if they ever got me a present.

DHs family does Xmas eve too.

DHs family does Xmas eve too. However, it works out perfectly for us. My skids are adults but they've been doing this for years.
The skids and my kids spend the evening with DHs family. Then the skids go to their Moms and have Xmas day with her and her family.
We go to my Moms, visit and open presents, then my kids go to their Dads for dinner.

I'm not sure what your BM or skids are like but why not have the skids come to your place after the festivities at BMs?
Then no one would have to get up early or travel on Xmas day.

This is my second Christmas

I realize this is a different issue, but I'm also at the point where I realize that holidays are the worst time of the year for stepparents.

I'm hoping once the kids are older, that I can convince DH to just go away ourselves for the holidays and avoid the whole thing.

Also, my SSs don't even get anything for DH for Christmas (or Father's Day or his birthday), so I would fall over dead if they ever got me a present.

Pray for snow in that Pass.

Pray for snow in that Pass. }:)
Talk to DH. Suggest he hands you the money he wants to spend and with regards to the SKids donate it to a charity. S/gkids get gift cards and get DH to sign individual cards.
If OSD changes any plans tell her you will check and see if that works for you. If not, you will mail everything.
If they think you are lying, so what? How does their opinion of you affect your day to day life? Does DHs attitude towards you change based on their opinions?
I don't care if my ssons think I am evil or have some magical powers over their father. I know the truth and if other people find themselves in a difficult place well they can make their own minds up because it doesn't matter because NOTHING I do will change their minds.

You Called it! oneoffour!

DH's attitude definately changes based on OSD40 opinion, he likes to use the other skids opinions as an example, " No one else cares if they do it...." Which is true, but it still makes my blood boil. They have spent their whole lives being conditioned to jump to her whims. Unless it really didn't disrupt my life or it was a true emergency, (and :we decided <=,OSD, her DH, & 2 hellions, to go to my FIL first, is No emergency) I wouldn't bow down to anyone else, why should I do it for her?!!!
Unfortunately, I'm a " always be prepared type person, evacuation,accidents,stuck for days in the car, whatever. And if possible, have a plan B. And when I know I'm doing something, I'd like to know what it is, and We have no way of knowing the plan and may not know til a week before(with Christmas & Thanksgiving , that's last minute, at least to me) and we have no way to plan for all possible contingencies. Since I know her MO, I have to expect the unexpected.

My OSD42 sounds like your

My OSD42 sounds like your OSD40. People in the family know how she is; in fact, they say "that's just how she is." Well, I don't need to put up with how she is. Her sister and father have been conditioned to do what she wants or be punished.

I too am I a planner and need to have dates set. I have other things to do besides keep a range of dates open waiting for someone to decide what she is doing. Set the date for YOUR holiday. If she doesn't show, then your DH can cater to his spoiled kid on his own.

In the recent past most

In the recent past most gathering have been at the home of YSD34 since she now has the bigger house (with 2 of her, 2 of his and NOW 2 of their's! love it she'll get hers!) we haven't been invaded ( thank GOD!!!) in several years. And I have found that a Christmas for just the 2 of us= do nothing, I do cook us a christmas dinner but that's it. Maybe, if I'm REALLY GOOD , we'll get an invite from new DIL-TB! Who has been absolutely wonderful , I must say! I may have the Evil SM title but I'm determined NOT to have the Monster In Law title!

Same here, SO's opinion and

Same here, SO's opinion and decision always changes depending on SD35 whims. She calls the shots regarding family holiday dinners. We never know if the royal family will grace us, and god forbid it ever be at her palace. But for the last few years SO says its so much work and he will let princess host, yeah right. Once he talks to her of course its not at her place, etc. Now I just don't care I let him do all the work.

I understand being prepared

I understand being prepared and having a plan B but I don't understand jumping to their whims.

I would make my plans for the holidays and tell everyone what they are. If any of the skids want to change it, just say no. I'm sorry, those are my plans.
If DH wants to get into a car and drive for 3 hours in the snow ask him to call when he gets there so that you know he's safe.

I'd also tell him that it's great the other kids don't mind, but You do. Just because everyone elementary is ok with her plans doesn't mean you have to be as well. You are allowed to have your own feelings on the subject. DH doesn't have to understand.

Thank you for the thoughts

Thank you for the thoughts notsobad,

DH has affirmed,for the 3rd time, if OSD tries to lock him in to any plans or makes changes, he will tell her "I'll have to get back to you". And if she presses for a response at that moment,he'll tell her "If you want to know right now, it's a No, but if you wait for me to get back to you, theres the chance of it being a yes, but right now I'll have to say No"
I'm trying to see it as a compromise, and validation from him. It's hard to completely trust this will happen, but I can't over look the possibility. I say that mostly because I recently found (in joint therapy)that a lot of his tolerance for their (and I mean OSD) bad behavior is over compensation from guilt surrounding the death of his oldest son 20yrs ago. Which I had suspected for a while. So it might seem like a very small gesture from him, it'is a HUGH step,and I'll have faith in him til he proves otherwise.
Oh, and he can't drive his car in the snow, and the SUV is MY vehicle, and yes, the do actually have DOT people on the Hwy checking vehicles,So...
He may come around yet!

I would really like to finish

I would really like to finish up the process of Mentors, so we could have someone here for the holidays who would actually appreciate a tree, decorations, gifts, dinner, etc. Doesn't criticize or complain.
I have decided I will ignore any text from the skids for DH, they all know, the only way I get service is if I happen to take my cell out on the back deck,and yet they choose to text in stead of calling (we have a landline) I get them days later, (when I go into town)and they can't understand why they don't get a response.
OSD , during the summer, is always throwing out comments about how we never take any of the sgkids with us in our RV. #1, we have, several times in fact, but only one, because the rest don't listen very well (ESPECIALLY HERS!) and everyone else has been led to believe there is only the one bed. the dinette doesn't, the sofa does, but sgkid15 is the only who knows and he has been sworn to secrecy.
I just don't understand why a group of people can't get together, and use their "inside voices" to talk instead of all the chaos and yelling and all the last minute changes. I still have no idea what to do when we don't know about some changes til after we're already there? Taking both cars seems a bit impractical, minimum distance would be 20mi.

How about this ? DEAR ALL, WE

How about this ?

DEAR ALL,
WE have decided to invite everyone to our home the First Saturday in Dec from 4p-6pm There will be Hot and cold Hor'dorves, Christmas Cookies, punch, egg nog

No gift exchange please.

WE wanted to provide an early get together so each family can do as they please over Christmas and New Years.
"LOVE YOU", MISS YOU and we hope you can make it.

Please RSVP no later than Nov 1
Feel free to wear or bring an ugly Christmas Sweater because there will be a prize for the ugliest.
-----------------------
OP you have to nip it in the butt early, invite folks over and tell them this is your Christmas Celebration. "you don't do the running around for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day anymore".
Ask the kids to right down 2 items they want Santa to bring to Grannys house during this early Christmas cocktail party. Drop them off OR mail them to the parents.

Problem solved.
OR IF you feel you have to go to save face: offer to pop in at Christmas for "the day" when osd has the costal Christmas thing. JUST the day----drive 10miles down the road and stay at a hotel over night. Tell dh it will be a night to remember when your back at the hotel.

Creative thinking LOL

JMO

I LOVE IT! That is a GREAT

I LOVE IT! That is a GREAT Idea! I might try that, though we don't know if the coast thing has been enacted or not. New Years is a bit more tricky because of sgd B-day 12/31 (she'll be 8). But the whole idea is fabulous. See, and I can never get input from DH. I will run it by him, Naw, notify him in a week or two, I'm still praying BS's WTB will take pity on us. Not really, I've really tried to keep any opinion of the skids to myself to let her make her own judgement whenever she does meet them.98% of anything she has heard came from my son. Her and I do very well together! This will be there first Holidays in their new house, pretty sure we'll get an invite, just not sure which it might be.
I really do Love your idea, Thank You!

I think we would all like to

I think we would all like to run away for Xmas, even friends who don't have blended families find Xmas stressful with expectations from in laws etc so we are not alone on this one. Some people go on cruises at Xmas, brillant idea IMO. I personally think DH and I will definitely book a vacation one year in the future, unfortunately not this year.

An acquaintance lost her

An acquaintance lost her husband when her kids were very young.
Their first Xmas without him, they did a cruise. She didn't have family close by and didn't get along with his family.

She said it was the best thing they'd done since her DH had died. They healed and were able to celebrate Xmas without too much sadness. She wasn't stressed, no one was saying how sad they were that DH wasn't there and they were able to miss him but be happy still.

They continued to vacation over the holidays and now her grown children, their spouses and her new DH all go. Not sure what will happen once there are grandbabies but for now everyone is happy.

It's more expensive but worth it to her and her family.

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The Approaching Holidays