This sounds so painful for you.

But honestly? Why isn't your husband taking her to task for this?

You don't have to do anything for this kid, and if he didnt have a come to Jesus meeting about her behavior, and she didn't improve, I would ship her back.

You are not her parent, and if her father can't do the minimum and discipline her, then that would be it for me. What if she starts really acting out and does something illegal? Would you be on the hook for that?

Is this the life you want?

I've learned the hard way not everyone can, nor wants to be saved. She might be one of those that prefers misery.

Don't be a martyr. It never ends well even for kind people like you who have the best of intentions.

You need to have a come to Jesus, how the cow ate the cabbage, it's now time for brutal honestly talk with this SD.

If she wants your help she has to act like a decent human being.

What does DH do when SD is treating you so badly?
Does he see it or does she only do it when he his not there?If so you need to record what is happening somehow. She needs to feel reassured that she has a place there. It sounds like she is testing things out big time and using you to do so. She probably feels very vulnerable in a new country with a new mum and life and not speaking the language.
If you and your DH can sit down together, just the two of you, and come up with the house rules and boundaries around her behavior and then present that to her together and show a united front while also reassuring her that you both want her there and do not want her to leave, it might help. He has to give you full authority to discipline her and tell her that in front of you.
No matter what they say, kids like structure and rules as long as they make sense and are basically fair.

So lastly, what do you have to do for her? Absolutely nothing baby. She is not your BD. You have no responsibility for her whatsoever. If she disrespects you, which you didn't give any examples of, you can simply chose not to do anything for her. At 15 she can cook, clean and walk to whereever she needs to go. As long as she is not giving you basic respect, you do not have to do anything for her. She needs to learn you have boundaries and she is crossing them and that there are consequences for that. Taken to it's nth degree this means you don't even have to provide a space for her in your home. Her father can start paying rent for her, doing her grocery shopping, her clothes shopping, and cooking for her. Everything actually.
You are not being mean. You are setting commonsense boundaries for respect in your home. And if she cannot comply and he won't enforce it, especially after everything you have done for her and him, then they probably both need to find a place to live close by.

Sounds like SD didn't want to come and doesn't want your help. Back off and tell her that if she wants help and all the things you've offered then you're here for her, otherwise it's all on her and her father. Regardless of her circumstance she can still be respectful in your home. What a brat shooting herself in the foot.

You are the woman of the house, take back your power!

What is the procedure to take back your sponsorship? Did they give you options in case it did not work out? Is there a time limit or a requirement of her to do something? Why does your DH get to be not supportive to you but supportive to SD?

So...I hear you on the sensitivity thing. It can be horrible for empaths to live with tension. I am the same. I find it draining.

Now the dirty dishes, and texting. Teens seem to like hoarding dishes. This is her father's job. He can either tell her to get them and wash them herself, or do it himself but you should not.
Texting: pick your battles. At the dinner table maybe not but why try to stop that most of the time. Who is she texting?
Holding the phone in your face? Unacceptable. Cut the phone off. Same is she refuses to follow texting boundaries at meal times.
Doing things differently to her mum? Own it. Say yes I do. And? If you want to eat...and let her know how she needs to act. If she chooses not to eat, that's on her and is just more emotional teen blackmail.
Honestly you could not have picked a worse age for her to come. I have done 4 15 year old step daughters now and they all go through a very difficult and not very nice stage of being really bitchy.

Dance class: why force her to go to something she doesn't want to do? I mean you meant well obviously but she didn't want to do it. So let that one go.

I feel like she may have PTSD. She has lived in a warzone basically and is likely in fight or flight mode. She needs a counselor to help her sort that out.

Lastly, does she really not want to be with you guys? Did she really think it was a vacation? Maybe she feels like she's in a prison and so is in anxiety mode again from possible PTSD.

My sense is that if you both sit down with her and explain that she is free to go back any time she wants, she may relax. Say that you feel she has an opportunity for a better life with you and you want to make that happen for her, but she can go if she feels strongly about it.

Also if her dad just owns that he loves you dearly and will not allow her to hold him emotionally hostage for loving you she will stop with that too. The easiest deflection of that type of emotional blackmail is to own it. He can also ignore the whole more than me thing. Just repeat that he loves you dearly and doesn't feel bad about it. and then tell her I love you dearly. And walk away.

I do think that if she actually wants to be there, then things will improve. I don't think it will be easy necessarily she is quite damaged by life but yes, you need a slightly thicker skin. NONE OF THIS IS PERSONAL. She would treat any woman in your position the same. Try to be somewhat of an observer as much as possible and don't allow emotional blackmail. You have done so much for her already. You have nothing to feel guilty about even if she does go back, at 15, she can make that decision. She would like go back and then change her mind and want to come back. in fact, how about you two offer her a vacation back there at the end of the school year or Christmas or whenever?
Hugs,
Hoping it gets better.
Zahra

Your heart was in the right place and one would think that this teenager would be grateful. She is acting like a real brat. I guess she's never heard the expression "don't bite the hand that feeds you".
I guess you could all sit down and have a family meeting, just like a business meeting. Have an agenda of everything that you would like to discuss. Have it at the dinner table. All quiet, no cell phones allowed. Tell her what your expectations are. Ask her what she would like to see change. Maybe do some fun team things...like bowling. Sounds odd I am sure but when I had battles with my kids as teens it kind of worked. Take her places as a family and do things that she has never done. Horseback riding is another one. Not only is she trying to fit in she is also a teenager trying to fit in to another family and another country. Yikes!
She sounds angry and she is directing her anger at you.
Don't be weak, stay strong. This is either going to work out or it is not. At this point it is really her choice. You deserve to be treated with respect.
All kids even teens need rules and limits. They need to know what you expect of them and they need to know that there are consequences for their actions.
Sounds like her cell phone and computer are important to her. That's what I would hold over her head. My son loved video games. So if he did something my punishment would be to take all electronics from him and he would have to earn them back. That is what worked for him. For the girls it was their phones. I wish you all of the best. Keep us posted on how you are making out.

You are a reasonable and caring person.
Your stepdaughter does not want to be reasonable, she wants to go home and have a baby with her boyfriend.
She doesn't want your care either so nothing you do will be right.
She knows what she wants and until she sees that this is better you are the handy target for all her woes.

Helping people is difficult especially if they don't want to be helped.
Maybe when or if she finds a cute boy where you are she might change her mind.
Back off on the trying so hard.
This is not a quick fix.
If and when she finally figures it out, then you may choose to try again.

Take time away she doesn't see you as a person but as an obstacle to getting back home.

I read all that and then realised she has only been there for a month! Cut this girl some slack please- she has been uprooted from a country that has a different culture and way of doing things and all the people she ever had any close contact with are gone. How traumatic must that be?
I know that you have done what you thought was right- but try swapping the situation around and think how you may have felt as a young woman being taken almost to another planet even with all the teenage hormones swimming around and causing havoc with your mind and body.
I think your expectations of what life would be like for her were slightly rose tinted. Did you get any support (I mean apart from the language and the academic side) from the agency? Are they supporting you all now? I would get in touch with people who ave experience in these matters and look at it from an objective instead of subjective viewpoint.
I agree with others on here that this girl is testing your commitment but she is also probably wondering about what a useless man her father seems to be.
You have done all the planning it seems to me and that comes with expectations of how things will be- it didn't work out how you thought. In the end she has to start to make some decisions for herself- but only when she is ready.
You are far from being a monster- you are a good person who tried something which didn't go like you thought it would. This girl needs space and security- she also needs her father. I suggest you back off a little, seek good advice from people who know about emotional trauma and not just about classes and courses, and take off your badge of goodness for a while. We all make mistakes- this is a steep learning curve for you too.

This sounds like some progress! It sounds like DH is trying now- and you are right to stop bashing your head! (Although there is a lot of head bashing goes on around here!)
On the discipline side I'm with you- corporal punishment is ineffective with young women- she sounds like a tough cookie anyway and is probably trying to suss you out- giving her a few alternatives to what she has previously experienced may throw up some surprising results.
Your last paragraph shows common sense- I wouldn't ask her to do anything- but if she does, make a comment- 'that was great' etc but I wouldn't thank her- not for doing something she ought to do anyway. It sounds as if this girl wasn't praised for much in her life, so finding something to praise may surprise her!
Yep- hand over as much as you can to DH- and if you are more relaxed then maybe everyone else may be.
I don't know why, but I'm really hoping this works out for you all. Please keep us in the loop!

i feel sorry for your sd, but it does not give her the right to lash out at your or project the negative feelings in her life on you.

you have been kind and generous, but you are in no way obligated to take care of your sd. no way at all.

you have overstepped in your generosity and have been abused for it. sadly you became her legal sponsor and that may be hard to get out of.

your husband needs to grow a set of balls and get your sd in line.

you dont need this.

I've been known to record my stepsons' behaviors on my phone and show to their father. You should not need proof of what she is doing, but this may be a way to stop her bs. She's playing you and her dad off of each other.

I think that counseling would be so good for her as she transitions from one environment to the next. Have you looked into phone or video counseling with someone who speaks her native language? She needs someone who she can speak to and who has the skills to help her navigate this time in her life. What about counseling for yourself? A therapist might be able to help you (and your husband?) work through this. You need all the help and understanding that you can get. Having someone to talk with, just for yourself, can really help.

**disclaimer: I'm a psychotherapist***

I think she said the chance of finding someone who speaks the language are zero, but she speaks the language herself. I suppose DH speaks both, so he's obviously best placed to be the mediator here, he just needs to do it.

There are many factors to consider here

First, your SD is a teenager. And some of her behaviour may simply be just that. A very teenage thing to do - lash out at your parents/step-parents, those who do the most for you and care the most

Secondly, she sounds like she is in competition with you for your DH's love and affection. A very step-teenage girl thing to do. It's a drag, especially when you have tried to care for her and were genuinely excited about helping her and being a part of her life, and turns out she is nothing but jealous and insecure about your relationship with your DH, rather than wanting one with you

Thirdly, she has by the sounds of it a horrible upbringing which she has now been uprooted from, and trying to adjust to a new country, and probably homesick and feeling out of place in her new home

None of these things excuse her behavior, but at least it might give some insight on possibly where she's coming from

I say this to you because I've lived it (not the foreign country part) but the having an angry teenage girl suddenly move in to your life, and like you, I embraced it/tried really hard to have a good relationship with my OSD and to be the best I could for her

And like you, all she gave me was anger, jealousy, competitiveness and what I felt at the time was just downright evil behaviour

What I've learned is that she was angry about so many things that had nothing to do with me, and some that had everything to do with me - my relationship with DH that to this day she is resentful of and thinks replaced hers with DH

It's hard not to take these things personal, but they truly aren't. Her issues, her anger, none of it is anything you've done

She could well be angry for all the reasons mentioned above....just being a teenager is enough, let alone in a new country and feeling like your father - the one parent you have/the only family - loves his wife more than you

Don't expect her to like you, or thank you, or appreciate all you've done for her

She won't.

But don't accept abuse/disrespect from her or your husband either!

I spent years trying to bond with my OSD, I gave so much of myself, and in return received her abuse and disrespect. Not to mention, my DH's lack of support (again, common in these situations, no parent ever wants to admit his offspring is anything but perfect)

I don't regret giving so much, because when I finally decided it was time to disengage, I really felt no guilt at all

I suggest you stop trying to win her over, step up and call her out on her behavior - each and every, single, time.

And ya, I would say to her, and your DH, that the only reason you sponsored her was because you sincerely cared. You tried to step up and make a difference in her life. That she doesn't have to like you, but she needs to show both respect and appreciation. End of story.

Once she knows you won't take her crap, nor do you give a rats ass any longer whether she actually likes you or not, she won't know what to do

Stop wanting her to like you, stop expecting any sort of relationship, stop exhausting yourself trying.

Just remember you have been a good person who did an incredibly thoughtful thing. Her lack of appreciation or respect reflects on her, her issues, and not on you in any way!

Might I suggest that you leave this situation! If all the childless step parents met up we would not have to do any of this.

Please contact me if you think you can take no more?

lazyday

Hi there,

It is not law to accept step children! It is natural to disengage. The children also have the same feelings as step parents. Do you really want the children to feel these jealousy issues? It is incredibly painful.

Time to actually start telling the truth.

lazyday